wow CC, look at you !!
I'm so proud :D

:a194:

I enjoy reading your posts CC....
 

I lived in Amsterdam, NL for 4 years and my dreams of immigrating there came to an end after a falling out with my business partner. I so miss the attitude of the Dutch as liberal/non-judgemental people in general. I still battled my alcohol problems but miss living there. I pray for the best for you.

day 19

sober and happy.

I'm taking this truely one day, one bump, one thought, one action at a time. I know now that it is oke to feel bad sometimes, or extremely happy, or sad. Having emotions is okay, altough sometimes a bit scary. The last few years i've been very numb, and now everything is coming back, guild about stupid descisions and actions in the past, grief for friends lost, pure joy because i'm sober now and i've surrounded myself by mainly by good people. Intense love for my girlfriend etc. etc.

This is a good thing, i'll get the hang of it lol.

Today I bought cloverfield on dvd and a cd of pennywise. Lately i can buy so much more games and movies and stuff, just because i'm sober. It saves me loads of money. Been able to boost the savings account more then ever.

And my cold is almost gone :)

Tomorrow is going to be a rough day. They proberly are gonna bust one of my collegea's for theft. I'm struggling a bit with mixed emotions, cause i kinda turned that person in. But hey, I don't want anyone in my team that steales or makes a mess of things.

I keep on telling myself it's just business and the person should not have #@#$#-up in the first place. But still, the person doesn't now it and think of me as a good friend.

watever what will happen, it will be interesting.

Hi and welcome to your new life. It is an awesome journey. Have you thought of going to NA or AA??

heya tanyapmc, i thought about it, but so far it aint my thing. It does not feel right. So far i'am able to stay sober without, so i'll go with that for now :)

day 20

sober and content.

Exciting day at work, my (now ex)collega was interrogated by the internal-affairs section of my company. AFter a confession the collegea was taken to the police station. It's proberly theft of maximum ten grand (in euro's that is). I will leave the rest of the details out due to privacy, policy etc.

No new insights, no new revelations or clearing-ups today. that's just fine by me. I went to the gym this morning and after that I worked from 12:00-20:00 pm. Now I'm just tired, in a good way. I'm drinking my tea and eating my chocolate peanuts, reading story's and stuff on the forums.

I will go to bed soon, tomorrow i've got a long day ahead. Working from 9:30 am to 21:00 pm. So I need to keep my cool and focus on nothing else but work and recovery. And to be honest, that's just fine by me.

a big hug for everyone struggling,

day 23,

sober,alivce and kickin'

I can truely say it is ok for me now to stand next to people who smoke cigarettes, and to feel and accept the cravings, without giving in. I'm not ready to confront myself with peeps who smoke weed tough. I don't want to anyways, why should I?

The last two days have been all about getting up, working, eat, and going to bed again. I've allowed myself to think of nothing else and to want nothing else. Otherwise it would have been pretty stressfull.

A disadvantage of being sober is renewed interhuman-relationships, such as with my parents. We are still fighting over my girlfriend, even tough we've been togheter for almost five years now. My mother hates her, my dad is pretty cool about her luckely.

EVerybody here on this board seems to be very happy and grateful for their parents, but somehow I really can't be bothered with mine. My father is a work-a-holic who has never been there for me, and my mother is a over-obsessing, uber-controlling #@#$@#.
Yesterday, after another argument on the phone I realised that I don't want to see her again. She actually is trying to make me feel guilty over stuff I didn't do, or did as a teenager ten years ago, and that aint helping with my recovery.
She compares me with my sister, and tells me I got a ****** job (witch I love and i'm very good at) and I can't do things right.

Anyways,

I really fed up with my parents in general, who never really accepted me for who I am.

Now I gotta go to work.

My love for all of you that are struggeling.

ps. Not all interhuman relationships are bad, most of them are great!

day 24, lving sober contently

I somewhat avoided the drugs, but the drugs did not avoid me. Yesterday evening I had a barbeque at a friends place, and some peeps were smoking pot there next to drinking alcohol and smoking cigs.

I could not care. The pot smelled like wet-clothing. :)

Most of the guys there knew i'm completely sober since a few weeks, and all I got was respect. I told them that their comsumption just isn't mine, and that I can't seem the handle it. Told them also that I would never turn anti-drugs on them, and that they can do watever they want. Didn't tell them I am active-recovery tough, and about the forums, and all the effort I put into this. That's okay cause they wouldn't understand that I think.

The last time I saw some of the folks there was when I was still using, so it was the first time they saw me sober and healthy. I got a lot of remarks from both guys and girls, 'hey you look good' 'you got a healthy glow' 'you got a nice colour' etc. etc.

I must admid it made me feel really good, and it has strenghten my will to recover even more.

day 26,morning

Went yesterday to some friends, again there was pot-smoking, beer drinking, and cig smoking. So far I didn't have any major cravings, can't really care about the stuff other people do. The only thing I must keep in mind being with them is not to preach, and not to feel negative about them. I find this actually harder then fighting off an accidental minor craving. But hey, my recovery is mostly about acceptence I'm finding out, so accepting others must be important too I guess.

So far i'm very content with my sober life-style, and my improved health and awareness.

Can't seem to find time to meditate tough, I really want to pick it up again, but so far life has been enough of a challenge :). Maybe when i'm a bit more stabile and used to my new life.

I never thought working could give me such a purpose in life. I never thought I could enjoy work so much in the first place.

gratefull :)

day 28, living the sober life,

Yesterday I was content reading posts, and making a reply here and there. Didn't have much to tell.

I'm having a day off today. Tomorrow there's work again, and then sunday i'm off again. Excellent. I really needed to slow down a bit. After breakfast i'm going for a swim, and then i'm gonna spent the rest of the day listening to music and cleaning the house and stuff. Believe me, it's really time to do that lol.

Last monday I met one of my old stoner buddies, and we would going to meet today, just play guitar hero or some other stuff that's a complete waste of time:). I called him yesterday, just to check up about today, what time etc. But he completely forgot and already made other plans. I told him it was okay, and he should do what needed to be done. Inside I felt a bit angry tough, he proberly could hear it from my voice (or not,since he was proberly stoned). Now, I just distanced myself from him emotionally, he is a stoner, and even tough he talks a lot about his dreams and plans and future, I know it's just all bull$%#^. It's not the first time he blew appointments off, but then I couldn't care cause I was a stoner too, even tough I always used to live up to my appointments.

So, in conclusion, I should not expect too much from him (and other addicts in general perhaps).

On the evening of day 26 I confronted myself with an inner fear. This sounds silly, but I have a snake as a pet that I did not dare to hold in my hands. As a stoner the creature really frightened my. Not in it's terrarium, cause he's beautifull to watch. But cleaning and stuff was always a drama. What kind of a person buys a pet he's afraid of lol.
Anyways, this time I just confronted myself with my irrational fear (I could crush him anytime Í wanted to) and picked him up. The first few minutes I got really anxious, hart racing etc. But after a while I got my nerves back, and I could really enjoy the strenght beauty and touch of the creature. Anyways,I found this quite similar with facing sobriety,

Yesterday during the day I called my parents, and we talked a lot. I kept my cool, thought serene and peacefull thoughts, and the talk went quite well. Still I can't make conclusion out of this one talk. I'll just see what the future brings, I asked them to support me, that I needed their love and not always burn me down.

That's it for now, my love for all struggeling and facing their sobriety,

day 30, almost a month of sobriety!!! (my post of yesterday was day 29)

The longer i'm sober, the more I see people say one thing, but then completely do something else. Not just people that drink or do drugs, but everyone. In order for me to become sober, and to maintain it, i have to be completely honest with myself and the facts of life. Now I know that truth comes in fases, i don't have all the answers, but do people really 'lie' too themselves and others so much? Is life really such a burden?'

Do we all just try to cheat life?? Make things better, nicer, supremer, richer, happier, then it really sometimes is??

This disturbes me, but I keep on trying to accept that most people actually do this.

But not me, sobriety has opened my eyes, cause sobriety is more then just not drink, do drugs, lie and deceat. It's about honesty and spirituality.

i'm gratefull to be sober,

my love for all struggeling,

day 31, one month sober!!!

It's been a long journey allready, living from day to day, detoxing, getting sick, getting up again, facing life and facing inner and outer problems. It feels like i've been sober a lot longer. Still i musn't forget that i'm still a sober newbie, and that I need to keep my focus, cause i know from experience a relapse is always around the corner. So far, all the effort i put into this last month has been more then worth it.

I started this sunday morning pretty spiritual. I meditated for the first time in a year or so and then i watched a ed-young show on television. I'm not a christian, but I find nothing wrong with some of the believes the religion holds. I am seeing this one month milestone as a new spiritual start. The toxins are out of my system now, i can think pretty straight again, so it's time to move ahead in the next fase of recovery.

lol, while typing that last sentence I realised that i just finsished the first step, and now i'm ready to work on step two and three. Even while it never was my intention to follow the steps in the first place. Maybe there truely is not other way. Time will tell :)

For the rest this is gonna be a lazy sunday, my gf is sickish, so i'm taking care for her, further more some dvd-watching and maybe i'm going to the cinema to watch the new hulk movie. Only if it goes well with my girl.

Maybe I get often dissapointed by people cause I still surround myself with the wrong types. A lot of the people I hang with do drugs or drink a lot. They often did not finish college or making a mess of it right now. They often can't hold jobs for long etc. etc.

my love for those struggling,

congrats on a month!

day 33,

Had a very busy day today. Went buying new bed with my girl, had to remove old sleeping rubbish, did groceries, excersized, did some cleaning. Yesterday I worked and did nothing special.

Some things are shifting now in my recovery. Things that were special the first few weeks, the daily routine (cooking, cleaning, working, excersising etc. etc.), are starting to become normal. I always knew this would come one day. i'm enjoying the fact that sober life has a great deal of routine in it, but yet, every time and every day is different. I thought that routine would be a bad thing, so far, it work out quite well.

Now i don't have to invest so much energy in normal functioning throughout the day, I can invest it a bit more in spirituality, as I mentioned on day 31. It's a joy to meditate again, I can't do it anymore a long as I used to, but I do it with more care and love now, so it might be more effective then ever before :)

I'm investing some thinking into my personal and social life. What kind of man do I want to become one day, what are my true friends, and why, what can I give to the people I love, and what do I expect from them? How can I stay consious about my recovery, and how do I imply the lessons learned....and, last but proberly most importan, what does 'higher power' mean for me, and how can it help me to grow as a person.

Every day is a new surpise, and I feel stronger then I have ever done, even compared with longer sober periods from the past.

my love for all struggling,

Coming Clean, a big congratulations on your one month...you are doing just great...neat to see how far you have come...loverly, just loverly..:)
:a194:

Day 35, morning

I'm noticing that the urge to write here everyday on SR is slowly declining. I won't quit coming here and reflecting, at least not for a long time, but I think the periods between them will get less. Things are just good as they are.

Still meditating every single morning. Twelve or fifteen minutes at most, then it get's too hard, but I know in time I will be able to sit for longer periods in time.

day 39, sober

Life is going as it should I guess. I sometimes still have some problems going along with other people, but I kinda think that's okay. For almost half of my life I chose my friends on a mutual basis of dope-smoking or other self-destructive behaviour. It will proberly take more then a month to select them a bit more wisely then I used to.

I'm filling up my days with working, excersising, my girlfriend, videogames, books, movies etc. and so far it's still working out good. I'm reading a bit more on buddhism again, like I used to do years ago, and even went back to an old buddhist internetforum. Still meditating almost daily.

Sometimes it seems like i'm stuck in recovery, can't seem to go forward. However, if everything is wel for the time being (not even 40 days) why force it?

Hey comingclean glad its working out for you, might have to start my own diary on here, it helped last time.
Bit of a video game addict myself :)

hey mr H.

One of the great things of being sober is increased videogaming skills :) and the money to actaully buy them :)

Hi Coming Clean - I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your experience. This is a great thread.

And congratulations!!

day 41, yet another sober morning

I'm having a day off. I like that,,,,having day's off. This afternoon i'm going for a swim with my girlfriend who is working right now. In half an hour or so i'm going to do some chores around the house, gettinng groceries. Just the normal stuff that I often really enjoy.

Next to videogaming, i refound my joy for reading books again. As a kid and in my teens I used to eat books for breakfast, but the last six five years or so I could hardly focus enough to read three pages. But not anymore,and even better, nowadays when I read my mind forms images again, I 'see' faces of caracters, when things get rough I can feel along with the story. In other words, my imagination is back again.

how wonderfull....

One more thing about videogames, often when I was high I couldn't play them cause I find it too stressy. Especially with first-person shooters, I would get all anxious. That's gone now, I can just play and have fun. Like it's supposed too.

Yeah I know i'm just a big kid. But i'm a big healthy kid, who pays his own bills, and who takes his own responsibilties.....sober :)