DAMN IT! One Week Down the Drain Yesterday was 1 week without taking any methadone. The withdrawals were making it difficult at first but by day 4 the Subutex started helping those terrible symptoms. My illicit source of methadone that had been cut off called me yesterday to say the she had some for me. Like a complete ******, I drove over to her house and bought some. At least a part of my brain was trying to stay sober as I only bought enough for a single dose. She gave me a kiss and then I went searching for this book that I wanted to read. I found it at used a used bookstore and then I scurried home. I set the methadone on the table and just looked at it. I evaluated how I was feeling as far as the withdrawals were going and realized that aside from the hot/cold flashes and runny nose I was doing great in comparison to a few days earlier. But that's never enough, is it? I was coming up with some half-assed plan to keep the methadone near me and not consume it to prove to myself that I had the will power to abstain. I read for 30 minutes and then my week long sleep debt finally caught up with me. I slept soundly for most of the day before waking up at 9 pm. At 11 I took the methadone. I didn't even think about it. It was completely and utterly an impulsive decision. So much for my will power plan. I stayed up until 4 am doing absolutely nothing productive. I didn't even care for the effects from the methadone. It didn't do much. So, today my heart is pounding, my is mind racing, and my anxiety level has sky rocketed. I am so disappointed with myself. I've spent this morning researching the pharmocokinetics of methadone, primarily trying to figure out how much methadone is in my bloodstream, how long it'll be there and how this will impact my overall withdrawal time. If I could effectively kick myself in the nuts I would. I just had to get that out, Thanks |
I am sorry to hear that, that sucks. Well, quitting takes practice at least for me it does. Try try again as they say! :a194: |
Welcome back, SD!!! ... That you're back and safe is the important thing... Notice something, though... *Who* made the choices yesterday? ... You, or the meth? It sounds to me like it was the meth... So now you've spent some money that you really didn't want to spend... You've wasted some time that you really didn't want to waste... You have some residual physical and mental issues to deal with that you really didn't want to have... You have a whole lot of bad emotions about yourself that you now have to deal with, and which you didn't want to have to deal with again... And you didn't even get the buzz that it "promised" you'd get... That meth sounds like a pretty bad enemy to me... If this were a person standing in front of you instead of some "impersonal drug", would you be able to recognize the abusiveness of the relationship? ... You were *used*, man... It wants to use you again... and again... and again until you are completely destroyed. Don't let it... Hang up on it when it calls... Erase the voicemails it leaves... Write a letter telling it to f#ck off and leave you alone... Tell it to find some other poor sap who likes to be abused... Tell it that YOU have moved on and don't want to so much as hear from it ever again, not even if it wants to say its "sorry"... The meth only wants to abuse you... Don't let it. I'm glad you're back! ... You are not alone! |
Originally Posted by GreenTea
(Post 1684829)
If this were a person standing in front of you instead of some "impersonal drug", would you be able to recognize the abusiveness of the relationship? ... You were *used*, man... It wants to use you again... and again... and again until you are completely destroyed. |
So, you can move forward and learn from this. Change your phone number or block her calls. Do whatever you need to do to stay sober. And, we have all made incredibly poor decisions as addicts, but as the brilliant Maya Angelou said "I did then, what I knew how to do. When I knew better, I did better". |
WOW, That sound almost like the same thing I have done time and time again. And the worst part is that I did not even like the drug or the high feeling I got and just wished it never happened the moment I did it and felt so bad and mad at my self all at the same time. I really think I relate. But please DO NOT beat yourself up for it. The book talks about insanity. Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That is what we do. The important part is that you are still here and you keep trying. Please do not give up. God already has forgiven you and so do we. Now give yourself a break and forgive your self, turn it over to god how powerless you really are and try again. We really only have today, So I need to remember just for today. Maybe that can help you too. I think it is how most of us survive this disease. JUST TODAY... I will not pick up a drink or use any drugs...at all. |
At 11 I took the methadone. I didn't even think about it. It was completely and utterly an impulsive decision. So much for my will power plan. But, it is what it is! Now...you know what to do to prevent a recurrence!!! BTW...had you been to any AA/NA meetings during the week you were clean? Might be a good source of support to look into for future prevention. |
Originally Posted by Jersey Nonny
(Post 1684907)
let's be honest here, OK!?! You accepted her call, drove over to her house, bought the meth, stared at it for a while, finally did what you had intended to do! No, I don't go to NA. I was forced to go when I was younger but it gave me the exact feeling I got from the two times that I have ever gone to church: freaked me out and gave me an incredible sense of being surrounded by evil. I don't have much in the way of support. Nothing at all actually except for this site. I'll be fine though. I'm relatively confident that I'll get this over with one way or another. |
No, I don't go to NA. I was forced to go when I was younger but it gave me the exact feeling I got from the two times that I have ever gone to church: freaked me out and gave me an incredible sense of being surrounded by evil. Just keep it open as a viable option...OK? |
I realize NA is a viable option for most but I prefer to fight this battle on my own. I feel uncomfortable asking for help but even more I want this experience to make me stronger. I want to look back and I say, "Yes. I conquered my addiction. I experienced the withdrawal and it was horrible. I wanted to end my life but I didn't. I am such a strong person for doing this." |
...but I prefer to fight this battle on my own..." ...I am such a strong person for doing this... Alone it will destroy you, SD, just as surely as a baby left naked out in the rain... But the baby cries, and it screams, and it asks for help, and someone comes and provides it warmth and shelter and helps it until its grown and is strong enough to stand in the rain alone and without fear. And then someday that person... maybe... will find a baby crying in the rain... |
I did it on my own for 20 yers and was completely insane was horrible to be around but in worldy terms was successful. I was unhappy and one day I picked up and another 11 years passed. Not using has nothing to do with strength and will power, I have no power over drugs. The strength and warmth of being in recovery with other adfdicts is as amazing and saves my life. "...one addict helping another is without parallel..." Kevin PS Welcome back |
Originally Posted by GreenTea
(Post 1685180)
Good heavens! WHY???? Ah! ... Ego... Greentea, I wasn't trying to be egotistical. The "I will be strong blah, blah, blah" is a future retrospective statement that I hope to make to myself. I don't think that's an oxymoron.... I appreciate your posts by the way. Thanks |
So whats the plan? What happened last time that will be different this time? How will you do this? |
The grand master-plan is as follows: I took redundant measures today that prevent me from getting any methadone. I am taking Subutex of which I have a finite supply and definitely can't get anymore. Fortunately the Subutex doesn't produce the slightest bit of euphori, it only releaves some of the withdrawal. I already have the remaining tablets divided up into an eight day tapering schedule. I shall go to work in the morning, come home in the afternoon, and post on this forum any misgivings I may have concerning how I am feeling at that moment. Continue the PM conversations that i've been having with a few people on here. I'm forcing myself to drink 3 liters of water a day, cut back on my sugar intake, eliminate red meat from my diet, and take various vitamins to improve my physical health. Take, at the very least, a 30 minute walk everyday. I've printed up the words "Preserver", "No", "Go Write", and "You're Strong" and taped them everywhere around my place. After the Subutex runs out I will reevaluate how I feel as far as the withdrawals go and if necessary, augment my plan. I'm unsure of the severity of the withdrawal that I will experience from the Subutex so I have that to look forward to. Even though today is day one all over again, I feel better now than I did this morning. As a last resort, should things become a bit much, I have a former coworker buddy of mine who's mother is a psychologist. I've seen her before and I like her. I can always give her a call. I guess that's it. |
Thats a plan, I wish you well and offer you my support. Kevin |
Why thank you Kevin. |
Friend SD Gotta side with the crowd on this one. Your last note reminds me very much of the 20 something bravado of one warrens. Self contained, smart, tough as nails. If I lived in a city, I would avail myself to every resource imaginable. You paint people with a very wide brush, bro. Experiences teaches different. You risk nothing and have everything to gain. Sounds like you have an intact bullsh*t detector. Just because you try it doesn't mean you have to buy it. You still have free will. Or do you? The right sponsor, therapist, mentor, can make a huge difference. Sounds like you could be one some day. I used to work with street gang members in Chicago. The ones still alive are sitting on the corner with a paper bag and a bottle. BTW, there is no undergraduate major in psychiatry. One must first become an MD, do a residence in psychiatry, and then earn a PhD in psychiatry. Watch the bravado and ego, it's not conducive to healing. Friend warrens |
SD I wrote before I saw your plan. Don't have a clue about the meds, but it sounds like a coherent approach. Good luck with it. I'll be following your progress. warrens |
Originally Posted by warrens
(Post 1685285)
BTW, there is no undergraduate major in psychiatry. I will be sending you long rambling PMs for next few days so be prepared for some mighty exciting reading. And warren, thank you. |
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:24 AM. |