how do i begin...
 

Hi there everone! I have been drinking myself into a stupor for twenty years now. Every morning I feel like crap and every morning I swear I will stop. Its killing me. I know this. Half of the time I cant even go out the front door for fear that I will have to face reality.
How do you not have that drink? How do you remember that drinking is only going to make you feel like poo? I can usually last a day or two and then it all seems ok. So I start again. What makes you remember?

Hi Australia,

Welcome!

There is lots of support here. What worked for me at the beginning was changing patterns and routines. I made myself do different things at different times and it worked for me.

Hi OZ! welcome, your in the right place to get that one answered.
The first thing I had to do was to addmit that I was beaten.That alcohol had taken me to hell and the only way back was for me to change.I first tried limiting the amount I drank but that was futile,within days I was back on the sauce trail drinking more & more.Eventualy I turned to AA for help,firstly I gained an insight as to why I drank as I did and why I couldnt stop.Then they gave me a programe of recovery. I'm 52 days sober now and I remember not to drink by using the tools they gave me.
Give AA a go its worked for this pomm!
chris

Thanks. Ive tried AA about four times over the years. I hate the meetings. I have a real problem talking to people. I dont like to be approached. Every time I have gone to the meetings strangers come up and talk to me and ask me personal questions that I feel are inappropriate. I know they are just trying to be nice and helpful and comforting. But I just want to sit and listen alone. I dont like touching strangers or strangers touching me. The hand holding at the end of the meetings really freaks me out. I dont want to say anything though because it would draw attention to me and make me look stupid. Maybe I am stupid.. I'm afraid of everything ...I can't answer the phone, I run up the hallway and hide if someone knocks at the door...
I dont want to face anything ever...think ill have a drink, that will make me feel better...ah there's the rub...you see it does make me feel better...but only until I wake up...wanting to die

Welcome to SR!

I suggest you begin with an honest talk with
your doctor.
As you have been drinking for awhile
de toxing alone is not wise.

You might also consider seeing a therapist
for while.

It's great to see a new member.

welcome to sr, australia.....carol is right....a doctor and a therapist can really help you, and it will be safer for you to detox under a doctor's care....

the good thing about doctors is you can tell them anything, and it's confidential......so if you have a hard time opening up, it may help to do it with someone you know will not judge you...

you have found a good place here....

hugs
ayla

Ive talked to my doctor before too...not really much help there...been in many types of therapy before...with and without medication...just cant seem to stick to anything...I'm not crazy or anything. To most of the outside world I am a together motivated mother who has brought up an amazing child...
How can I destroy that illusion? It's all I have...if people knew who I really was...I'd lose everything...
people would think that I was just another crappy single mother...

not that people dont see me drunk...thats one reason why Im afraid to go anywhere... because of embarrassment...and fear of judgement

Thankyou for your replies...it is nice to know that people will listen :)

What do you mean about detoxing danger? What could happen? How would I know if something bad was happening? What should I be looking out for or worried about? Could I possibly ask anymore questions in this stream? he he

Hey OZ, thats fine if you cant do AA theres other programes for you,but acceptance is the key in all.Once you accept that you have a problem with alcohol part of the guilt is lifted from you.Then if you accept that its a disease and not a weakness more guilt will leave you.Once we have reached those decissions,we can then attempt to rid ourselves of the cause of the problem by trying not to take the first drink,not easy but possible.

Hey Aussie,

You are right to describe it as an illusion. It's not the real you. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to keep up that illusion. You must be exhausted trying to be what you think everyone else wants you to be. Take a minute and imagine you had no one to please but you. What do you want to be and how do you want to see yourself?

I was raised by my Mom after my Dad dies when I was two. She had no skills whatsoever. I saw the struggle she went through on a daily basis trying to provide for my sister and me. She wasn't an alcoholic, but she still had many tough times because she was along. I can remember finding her curled up in a corner crying just because she felt so alone and scared.

Why don't you try this for now. Keep posting here and telling us how you're feeling. You don't have to go into intimate details. Although, since this place is completely anonymous, it would make any difference if you did. If you feel like you want to confide in one of us, send us a private message and we'll converse one on one. No one ever turned their life around in a day, a week, or a month. It usually take much longer to get to the root causes of what's going on inside. You've been very brave just by sharing what you have so far. We will love you as long as it takes for you to begin loving yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!

thankyou all xxx.
I've always thought of myself as a functioning alcoholic. Sometimes non-functioning, depending on the day. But I cant function any more. I find it hard to think of it as a disease though. It's a bloody lack of will power and stupid addiction...I think I'm giving myself a cop out if I dont think of it that way. I cant be forgiving to myself because then im saying its ok... that I have no control...so i'm not responsible for my actions. And I have to take responsibility because it is I who puts that damn drink in my mouth and I have to answer for it. Does that make sense?

Thankyou golfman. That text actually made me cry. you are right..it is exhausting and im so tired. Im so tired of being afraid that at any moment ill be found out. Im tired of having to continually go into damage control..Im so tired of creating a different person for every occasion. i have been creating personalities for so long that i dont know which one is really me. Im afraid that there is no real me. Im afraid of social occasions because my different lives might have to come together and all the work ive put into being what different people want, or think i should be, would be exposed for what it is...a big fat lie.. and then everone would know that I am nothing.
Im so tired...

Hi Ozzy,

I am a single Mother of 3 too. I started a thread called Newbie looking for friends.

I am too new to tell you how to do it. I just want you to know that there are people here who understand.

Good luck - just for today.

xxx

OZ, I was also a people pleaser,I to had a different role I played with many people.As an alcoholic myself as long as I kept up those pretences I convinced myself that drinking was ok! but at 52 days sober I now know that I cant pretend anymore,that yes I could drink and lie to people but realy I would only be lieing to myself.A stark realisation but the truth.
chris

Hey!

I know the first days are hard. It useually is a battle that you need plenty of ammo to fight. Once through the first weeks though your mind will start to clear, and you will begin to see the life you have been missing. I am not a touchy feely guy my self, and do not like to talk in groups. So it is ok for me not to talk there. There is so much love and support there though that personally I feel great when I leave. AA and this board are what helped me make it what is now 51 days. See I really do not know any more. There is just too much living to do to be in a drunk stuper. Good luck! I hope you find what you are looking for.

Repeat of question
 

If anyone knows? Ta

Hi australia,

Welcome to Sr :) glad you found us and good to have another Ozzie here.

Warm in Adelaide today?

Kevin

Here is a link with our personal experiences
Mine is on page 5

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-expect.html

Be safe

Karla,

There is a real you there. You're just scared like we all were at one time. Take a deep breath, remember how dedicated you are to your daughter. Then give that same level of dedication to yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!