So guys, I’m up at 4am, crying. I’m ******* terrified. I’ve been drinking, too. But whatever, because, I can’t anyway with the fight I have ahead of me. I’m not wasted, but, I jest couldn’t handle it. I needed to feel normal. And sadly, normal, not cancer person, was a person drinking wine, and enjoying wine, while watching our regular Thursday shows. I’m grieving my life. I’m looking at 12 weeks of chemo, a surgery, then more chemo, all lasting a year, then radiation. I’m not sure I’m strong enough for this. This is the only place I have to bare my soul about how frightened I am about this. I hate bringing others down. I’m so sorry. I just needed to vent. I’m really so afraid.

That’s really cool Plenny! I have a couple of small tattoos. A sand dollar sounds lovely :)

Phoebe love.....here for you every step. :hug: s xx ❤️❤️

Hi Phoebe

looking at it all at once I'm sure it looks massive but you live things day by day the same as the rest of us.
We've already endured 18 months of COVID for example.

and the big thing is - you're not alone. You have your pals here and your family and friends in real life.
They can lift you up on the days when you can't manage to lift your spirit yourself.

and..don't fall for those lies from addiction.
That voice promises everything but delivers nothing.

seek out real support, real love, real meaning and comfort, Phoebe :)

D

Thank you Suze, and Dee. 💕

I am grateful Dee had the presence of mind and grace and experience to express all of that so well.
Sometimes I am tongue-tied, but you know I am always here for you. xx ❤️

Oh Phoebe :hug: I’m so sorry you’re feeling so scared. And I’m sorry I didn’t see your post until now, I missed it somehow. But Dee’s right, you can do this, one day at a time. When you look at it all together, it’s so scary, but break it down into little bits, and face those little bits, one day at a time.

I don’t know if this will help at all, but a book I’ve been reading has been really insightful for when life sucks, or things seem overwhelming. It’s by Russ Harris: “the reality slap”.

We’re here for you all the way. Lean on your support networks, us, your family, your friends, the doctors. And you know, alcohol promises release from our worries, but it makes our anxiety and fear worse, so if you can find some alternatives, it’s a much better idea for your own mental health. Cranberry juice is loaded with antioxidants and tastes soooo good.

Sending you loads of love and support ❤️ ❤️❤️

Phoebe, I know this is so scary, but alcohol doesn't solve anything, just makes you feel worse. Dee is so correct and I am so glad he is our wise administrator. Just like the heart break with son, which I can look back and see that it is not as much as a heart ache as a big stop sign for me to change directions. I said "f" it and opened that bottle of wine and it helped nothing. Like Dee said, I took the baseball bat and hit my self over the head and they got on their merry way.

You have us and we understand and we are there for you. I know it is scary. My mother, two aunts and a cousin all died with cancer and I had cervical cancer in 2012. I was the first of my adult cousins to get it and I thought it was my ticket to the great beyond. It wasn't. I had a complete hysterectomy, a couple of rounds of chemo and I have been great ever since. It was scary, but I made it and I am thankful that I did. I am a survivor and you are also.

Now it is the Covid that is kicking butt, but I will get through this also. For the most part my tests came back fine. Kidney creatinine levels were high and we are going to see if even more water will help that. I seem to get dehydrated very easily. My heart is good and some scarring of the lungs but no pneumonia. I need to loose some weight, I knew this, and keep walking. No going to sleep in the afternoon. My doc doesn't understand two things...a) monster cat and b) my love for cookies. I can get rid of the cookies 😞, but I can't do anything about my Petey. He is powerless over his need for food and it has made my life unmanageable. My diet is good otherwise and she is glad for that.

I have taken my walk for today and I have a new friend, Marley. He now waits for me in the morning with a ring for me to toss to him, so that is even more exercise. I forget what is to have a dog and at first he scared me to death, but I am glad I pushed through my fear of this big guy. I talked with his dad and he said I now have a friend for life.

Plenny, that is cool that you can tattoo! I don't have any myself, nor does husband but I did have my dog tattooed! I told you about my German Shepard, Billy and the vet chipped him and tattooed his license number on him all while he was under getting neutered. He was one insulted boy wearing that ridiculous collar while we waited for both to heal. I was glad that we had the tattooing done, he was not very happy about the other part. Boys...🤷‍♀️🤣

Dee, you bring tears. You are such a gift to all of us, and your words are always so measured and perfect. You are right about the lie of addiction. I just felt crappy yesterday, and it did nothing for my stomach, already in knots. I’m very grateful for you. Thanks for being so kind when I screw up my sobriety, but beyond that, just thanks for being you. 💕

Willow, you’re so very kind and thoughtful. Thank you for the kind words. 💕

Onething, I had no idea you’re a cancer survivor. I’m sorry you went through that, and hearing stories of survival and thriving is encouraging.

And you probably remember my story as well phoebes.....the bone tumors and surgeries.
It is now 23 years since I was told I had a malignant bone tumor. And I still have my index finger. :)
I can't use it for anything other than typing really as it is very fragile, but I have adjusted.

(LOL, had to re-write that a little as saying I still have the finger sounded just so rude :biggrin: )

Yes, Suze. You were facing some hard choices about some treatment in our last group together, where I met you, and I very much remember how frightening it was for you. 💕:grouphug:

Hugs to everyone :grouphug: ❤️

Thanks for sharing that OTAAT - and thanks for all the kind words everyone :)

D

Phoebe, I sure am thinking of you.

I have a parlem (one of my students used to raise his hand and always announce that he a problem that way) . I can no longer deal with monster cat! 3am this morning he was wailing at my bedroom door and no amount of yelling would get him to stop. Husband is totally without hearing so he never heard either one of us. Was he hungry, no...he just wanted my company!!! I am exhausted and this cat is going to be the life of me, truly!

My cat slept with me. :)
Have you tried that love? xx

Oh gosh yes, Venus! He used to sleep so nicely with us, either at my feet or the corner of bed by my husband and was a wonderful bed mate. He started his food obsession and would not stay still all night, waking me or my husband so we had to throw him out of the room. I tried just closing the door and he learned quickly how to open the lever door knob. Now he just hollers and cries that I can't get him to stop.

I swear I am so tired, I am over tired and just can't even get a nap in.

Kicker...Husband has a local job and he has to be at the plant at 6, leave here at 5 and up at 4 am. There is going to be no point in me yelling an hour before we have to wake. My little beast will win again tomorrow! I am so TIRED! :bigcry

I am sorry....I don't understand. :hug: s
I think I would have a chat to my vet and get some help. xx

Onething I agree with Suze, your Petey sounds like he needs retraining. There are behavioural specialists that could help you (although it may be quite expensive). Or you can look online for advice perhaps. I have an acquaintance who’s an animal behaviour person. I haven’t seen her in ages but have previously talked to her about problem behaviour in cats. She recommends environmental enrichment and making them work for their food. There are all sorts of feeders you can get. I have some “mice” that I put food in and my Petey has to roll it around and work the cover off to get the food. They’re plastic ovals with holes in and a cloth mouse shaped cover over the top. Plus he has ball rolling games that you can hide food in. Also you can get cat feeders where they have to push the lever to dispense the food. They’re basically hunters, so teaching them to “hunt” for food stimulates their mind.

The only thing that worked for me to stop him yowling at the door was a squirt bottle of water. It felt mean, but honestly, I was going insane with him waking me up, I was so sleep deprived. We had also tried him sleeping with us but he was so restless and would keep us awake. My partner banned him from the bedroom at night as he was keeping us awake. So I kept a squirt bottle on my bedside table and when he yowled at the door I opened it a crack, growled “NO” and squirted him. It’s only water and didn’t hurt him. He would run away. And then come back. Repeat. I had to do it a number of times for several nights, and then occasionally after that. Now he doesn’t wake me at all, but is lying quietly outside my door when I get up in the morning.
It might be worth a try?

Oof. I am just overwhelmed with what y’all have been through. And even more hopeful knowing you made it and can still be here with all of us.