Daisy, I did have to laugh at the image of you on these rides, white knuckled and terrified! Oh my, how you love your grandkids ♥️♥️♥️♥️

Just one other thing to share. My little girl is 6 now and I don't think (or at least hope) she has been affected by my drinking Thank God but shr does know that mummy doesn't drink wine anymore and she has been coming to my meetings with me in the holidays which I tell her are so I can be the best mummy for her so she has some awareness.
Anyway we went shopping yesterday and it is a friend of mine's birthday today so I thought I would pick her up a bottle of prosecco. I literally had no problem doing this, it didn't trigger me to drink at all. However, I put ot in the trolley and my daughter started crying and saying mummy no. And at first I thought she was just moaning cos we weren't in the toys or sweet aisle and I said what's wrong and she said no mummy please don't get that mummy! OMG!! Isaid oh darling you mean the wine? She said yes! I cuddled her and I said oh sweetie it isn't for me it is for Anna and it is her birthday. I said I promise mummy will never ever drink wine.
What a wake up call if ever I needed one!!

09.15

Good morning Aprils

I hope to find you all well, happy and sober, that goes without saying really.
I'm just home from dropping my oldest g.son off for his first day at high school. He looked so smart in his oversized blazer and long trousers, I had a lump in my throat as I waved him off. It's just my 9 yr old granddaughter and myself today, it's very rare that I get to spend time with just her so I think I will take her out for lunch later. At the moment she and the kitten are terrorising each other.
My mums gone away on holiday for until next Sunday, so I have no mum runs to do. All good.

Donny boy, we love you too and I can only reiterate what J.T, Dee & Suze have said. We just can't drink and it's that first one that does the damage.. every time.

I'm so happy you posted Quit, you're doing well, 9 days today and that's terrific.
Thank you, I love being a nana but I am never going on a roller coaster again, ever. I was checking my heart rate on my fit bit last night and the time I was on that ride it zoomed up from 72 to 98 :lmao.
Keep posting, don't leave it so long next time.

Thanks for posting Tony and thanks for your wise words.

How's your back doing Dee? I hope it's much better.

Good morning Suze, we cross posted again last night. I hope you are feeling much better in yourself today. The good thing is that you have really thought about what you did and you have learnt from it, I doubt very much that you will do that again. I am with you on smashing it will all my might too. Life is precious.
Yes I love my 3 grandchildren with all my heart, my family is my world. I'm a bit of a nutty nanny, I go on everything with them lol, but I'm not going on a roller coaster again.... erm have I already said that.
Gosh, yes, you won't get a more meaningful wake up call than what your daughter did yesterday. Don't ever forget it.

Well that's enough of my ramblings for now. I hope you all have a good Tuesday and I hope to catch up again later. Much love to all of you.

My thought for the day....

" I have decided to stop saying yes to people and situations that don’t support my well-being. Instead, I will say yes to my happiness, and yes to my growth, and yes to all the people and things that inspire me to be authentic and whole, while at the same time accepting me just as I am. My yes, from here on out, is my pledge to live honestly, my commitment to love myself fiercely, and my cry to create my best life possible. Yes."

Hi all the lurker is here xx thanks daisy x

Here reading everyones posts still and as usual i am just being quiet, as i am still fighting this crap.

wish u all a good day x and will check in later x

Hi everyone!
JT, you are just as much part of this class as any of us and always will be! Thanks for all the thoughts and encouragement. It’s why this place is so special, and why I am right back at it. I put myself in a situation that I shouldn’t have, and slipped because of it. I am one of the younger people at this church so they depend on me to be there in certain situations. The festival being one of them. Next year I am going to figure out a way to help, but not in the manner that I have been. My sobriety is too important, and has to be my top priority. Given the same situation with a year sober and I’m not sure i wouldn’t do the same thing, so I need to avoid it all together. Hot ovens, Hot chicken wings, and unlimited free cold beer is not ideal for the path I want to be on, that’s for sure! 💜

Suze, love this 💜💜💜💜

Evening all, I hope you've had a good day, I'm just popping in quickly before I go to bed, it's been a long day and I'm tired.

It's lovely to see you posting Erratic and I'd love for you to do it a bit more often, we need to keep this April class alive. No worries re being quiet, I'm very quiet too. Keep on fighting the good fight. xx

Donny boy, it's sounds like you've given a lot of thought to what happened on Sunday and I hope you follow your plans to do things differently next year. Your sobriety certainly does need to be top priority.

I'm off to bed now, see you all in the morning. Sleep well. xxx

Daisy thanks! Yes actually I bounced back today. My day was pretty good. I’m doing laundry. Glad to feel ok. I had my blood drawn for the Food Sensitvities, and it gets Fedexed off to the testing site. I don’t know how long it takes. Fingers crossed.

Donny, I would have run from that situation unless deep down I was planning on giving in at some point. Stay away. Good job on day 1. 👍💚

I’m still researching sunglasses, but I know why at this point. Everyone tells me I should have a consumer blog and I know a lot about how to buy sunglasses and about brands right now. I became an expert. I find it fun. That’s what a person should do, what is fun to them. A career as opposed to a job. Anywho I’d like to pull the trigger on pair of Costa in my prescription 🤪. Badass.

Research needs to move to a winter spot for me. Hot and beachy! Greece? Probably closer. Caribbean. We shall see if I actually do it.

7 Weeks done ✅.

Have a good one

V🐍

Hello all ! I’m sorry I haven’t posted as much as usual ! I’ve had some company with me and also been under the weather. Just starting to come out of it, I think the driving to San Diego (about 750 miles!) and back home proved to take a mental and physical toll on me :(.

Sending love to everyone! I will dedicate some time to post this week, I promise that! :)

155 sober days today.

Xoxoxo

07.05

Good morning Aprils, I hope you're all well.

Another good day Viper, it's getting better, the good days are beginning to outweigh the bad. Lets hope you don't have to wait too long before your bloods results are in. Get them shades sorted soon, you'll need them for that hot spot you've got in mind, you'll have fun then.

Kudos on 155 days Bluesey, :scoregood, I'm right behind you. I'm glad to hear you've had some company, I hope it's been erm good company ( I was looking for an emoji with a wink, but couldn't find one).
Sorry you've been under the weather, I hope you are feeling much better now. That is one heck of a drive though, I couldn't do it.
I'll look forward to reading your next post.

Got to dash, catch up later. Have a good 'top of the hill day' all of you. Much love.

Thought for the day....

"The key to being happy is knowing you have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go."

Morn everyone x

Just sitting here watching one of my black and white movies.

vipe and daisy and bluesy u are doing so well u defo kicking the drink to the kerb x well done also snitch and u also donny and also u tony x where is strawberry? quit also u are doing so well x i am sure i am forgetting a few others x

have a good day everyone if u can xx

Morning all
I am in a great mood today because the kids are back to school woohoo hoooo!!! Bad mummy hahaha!
But jeez... I need some me time! And hang on...what is that..??? Ahhhh peace and quiet hahahahaa
I have my washing machine beong delivered today. I have procrastinated around getting one for so long! So am really excited about putting a wash on!! Oh my....my life 🤣🤣
Went for lunch yest with friends and 2 of them got onto a row. There was alcohol involved! I Am so glad that isn't me anymore and I didn't mind going yest as my best friend was there and me and her both drove and we were eating so I felt comfortable enough to go but now that the holidays are over I have made my mind up to stay away from the 2 that were involved in the row. They are both nice women and I like them both but one is a really big drinker and the other is a breastfeeding mum who is hooked on pain relief tablets and consuming alcohol too, not all the time, but more than I feel she should and sometimes to excess (I am actually quite worried about her and her baby and I did voice my concerns but she is in complete denial) and I do not think that hanging round with them is conducive to my recovery. The trouble is they both seem to really like Me lol. Who would have thought it?? I didn't think anyone would like the sober me which is one reason I drank so much!
I just really want to concentrate on making a new life for myself. A new sober life away from all the people, places and things that remind me of my drinking life and are not good for me. Spend more time doing things I enjoy (which I am not really sure what O enjoy joy yet, but can't wait to find out) and with sober people. Get more involved with AA.
Off to do a spot of cleaning (aghhh no mum, mummy, muuuummmm, MUM!!!)

Have a great day all Thanks for being part of this journey with me.

Xx

Hi Peeps,
Checking in on a warm ,VERY 🙄 warm September morning. It would not be so bad if I didn’t have to be out in it all day, but gotta make money I suppose! Anyway day 3 and I have put a lot of thought into my Saturday and me drinking mum. Vipe, I think maybe you were spot on and I did know I was putting myself in a situation where I knew I may end up drinking, but went anyway. Either way I did, and learned from it that I can’t put myself in such a situation again. Peace and love to you all. :tyou

Hi all. I’m checking in for the morning. I feel decent.

Donny, yeah it’s an evil trick we play on ourselves. My psychiatrist has people on Antibuse. Some have been on it for decades. Sometimes people tell him they’ve stopped taking it, because they don’t need it anymore. He always wonders, does this person really just ‘not need’ the Antibuse to stay sober, or are they subcounciously giving themselves permission to relapse? His experience gives him good cause to ask that question. It goes to giving ourselves permission deep down inside. I’ve done it 1,000 times.

I’ll see you later today,

V

Hey
Very quiet today
How is every one doing??
Stawb, Rowlands, Nichole?? U guys all ok??
Am in bed. Busy busy have so much to do. All things I put off when drinking.
In bed now and so grateful to be going to sleep sober. Even though I still have mad dreams (last night I dreamt I saw a lion on the street and It started stalking me!!) I am sleeping well and through the night. No more waking at 3am, sweating, anxious, thirsty, heart racing, depressed, guilty and shameful. Tossing and turning till the sun comes up and just dreading the day ahead. Thank God I never have to experience that ever again.
Hope you all sleep well tonight Too.
😴😴😴😴

Hope every ones doing well :)

D

Hi Peeps, yes very quiet on here today! Just my bedtime check in and all good here! Finally supposed to cool down tomorrow so should be a good day at work. Sleep well all💜

Good evening Aprils!

Wow, I cannot believe it’s September already. In some ways in feels like a longer span of time from April until now and in other ways it seems like weeks ago.

There’s been a lot going on with me mentally and I’m doing my best to fight it everyday.

You see, I still have this voice inside my head that tells me I’m not good enough, that I’m not going to get another job/career outside the wine business, that I’m just getting old and it’s over for me and I will never be in love again and blah blah blah. It’s that old worn out tape that used to make me drink. The thing is, I don’t really believe ALL of those things. Some of them are scary, like aging (all over a sudden I’m looking up exercises online for how to get rid of signs of turkey neck omg 😮), and the trepidation of a new career etc. However, I can say with all my heart that I have learned to love myself. This has been the most profound love as it has changed the way I flow in the world, with people i cherish and even with strangers on the street.

I’m not saying I walk around singing Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love of All” (but dang what an amazing song!) or that I’m just skipping through the tulips like everything is gonna be amazing always because I love myself more than I used to. But it’s the little moments I find that I can say to that old tape “beat it, you’re a liar and I’m going to change the channel”. Those are the moments I find I’m in my authentic space, even if it lasts but a few minutes.

Also, abstinence from alcohol is LOVING ourselves...enough to *want* to not poison our minds, bodies and souls. Just wanting to stop even if you keep stumbling, is an act of love each and every time.

So, I know I mentioned I went through a depression around the time of the royal wedding whenever that was haha. I’ve since come out of that dark space and I hadn’t really ever felt so down like that. But I knew I couldn’t drink. I knew I would not make it out alive. I can’t possibly rack up anymore hospital bills without going bankrupt. I cannot possibly wake up another time in the middle of the night wondering how in the heck I ended up drinking AGAIN. Only to pause a moment or two before opening the fridge for some quick relief to delay the inevitable. What a torturous hell is it. I will take the stormy days being sober ANY day over the days I chose to absolutely wreak havoc on myself.

I’m reading ‘This Naked Mind’ by Annie Grace and I forget who in our class is reading this also (or you’re probably through the book already!) and though I’ve only had time to read a couple pages here and there, it’s helping me understand where this depression is coming from.

As a binge drinker for 20 years, the most sobriety I ever had was 19 months. Then 9 months, then 4 months...now I’m just past 5 months. My brain is still healing. My neurotransmitters hard wired to negative thinking haven’t yet had enough time to create the new pathways to replace the old ones. Each time I recognize these thoughts as just thoughts (as crappy as they feel) and keep fighting the old tape, old habits, old behaviors, I’m creating not only a new life - but physiologically changing brain chemistry. The very parts of the brain that make good or bad decisions as well. We build a defense against picking up a drink the more we light up the frontal cortex which helps us remember why we shouldn’t touch that hot stove - again!! We are only gonna get burned. We all certainly know that!! But often times thoughts become action sooooo fast because they bypass that part of the brain designed to literally protect us.

All I can say now is that I’m fighting through the rough parts and enjoying the brighter ones and understanding that the contrast will likely be more intense in the first year and should get easier as time goes by. I’m super thankful for all of you and proud of each and every one of you! We still have a good number of people in this class - how awesome!

So, to close this epically long post haha, I am literally ‘battling’ this post alcohol binge depression. I now understand why they use that word ! I am continuing to build a defense system — against my own mind, how crazy! Starving the bad wolf and feeding the good one. Each thought and action goes to one or the other.

The bad wolf has tried to steal my light and my life, time and time again.

My only chance of long term sobriety is to no longer serve it lamb chops on a platter. ;)

G’night all xoxo

10.30

153 days=21.8 weeks= 5/12 of a yr=5 months today. happyface:

Good morning fellow April reprobates
I hope you're all well, happy and sober. I did log on to post last night but I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open so I went to bed. Its a bit of a miserable, grey morning here, with that drizzly, wet rain.
I'm trying to type here with my kitten pouncing all over me, she's having a mad half hour charging round with a wild look in her eyes like something possessed.

Morning Erratic, hope you're okay. What you watching today? Come and share and tell us what's going on, you're missed.

Hiya Suze, it was a pleasure to read your positive and happy post, that's the Suze we've come to know and love. Isn't it a great feeling when the children go back to school? We love have them at home with us but by the end of the holidays I think they are ready to go back and we are more that ready for them to go. I have the dubious pleasure of taking 2 of my g.children to school every morning as my daughter starts work at 9. How many wash loads have you done lol? I bet you've washed everything in sight.
I think you're very wise to keep your 2 drinking friends at arms length, stay friends with them by all means, but from a distance. You know what I mean.
It's a real shame about the one who's a breast feeding mum, she probably knows deep down inside that she's drinking too much, but only she can turn her life round. Lets hope she sees the light sooner rather than later.
Wow, you dreamt about a lion, how strange, I used to have a recurring dream about taking a lion for a walk on a lead. I've not had it for a while, you just reminded me about it.

Donny boy, send some of that lovely sun over here please, ours seems to be disappearing rapidly. I'm so glad that you're back on track again. Peace and love right back at you, and a bit more too. xxx

I hope today is another good day for you Viper, I'll look forward to reading your post later.

Thanks Dee, all good with me and I hope it is with you too. x

Hi Bluesey, thank you for such a meaningful and interesting post, I can relate to so much of it. I have low self esteem too and from reading a lot of posts on S.R it seems that most of us alcoholics do. I've always had a tendency to put myself down. I'm naturally very quiet, a bit of an introvert and I drank to give me confidence, ha what a joke, it just made me look like an idiot. Like you I am beginning to like this sober me, I might be quiet but I'm quietly confident, I'm kind,I have a lot of empathy for others, I've got a good sense of humour and I'm very loyal and loving. I just need to keep telling myself these things.!!
Just like you, I was a binge drinker for 20 years and I have a few decent stretches of sobriety, the last one being 12 months, this is why I can't get too excited about where I am now, I feel like the challenge for me will be when I hit one year, It's hard to explain. All I know is that I feel different this time and I've never said that before, I don't just need to stay sober, I WANT to stay sober, I really want to. It's time to starve that bad wolf.
We will do this Bluesey. xxx

Okay that's me done for now. I just want to say thank you to each and every one of you for being part of my journey. Much love to all of you.

Thought for the day....

Life is a balance between what we can control and what we cannot. I am learning to live between effort and surrender.

Hi all. Day 145 here. I am doing well just very busy at work. I come home totally exhausted. Today is my Friday though as tomorrow we are traveling to Chicago for a Jiu Jitsu tournament my son is competing in. I already have butterflies in my tummy thinking about it. It's not the easiest thing in the world to watch your baby boy "fight" but he loves it and I hope he does well.

I am reading Naked Mind also and I highly recommend it for everyone. I also recommend the podcast Recovery Elevator. I know I have mentioned both of these before but honestly you need these tools to become strong in your sobriety. Sobriety does not come from "I'm not going to drink anymore". That will only last so long. At least for me "not drinking" only worked when I worked a program.

I probably won't be on again until Sunday. Sorry I have been MIA, just busy and tired. Hoping to get my energy back soon :)

Take care.