Willow, I'm so so sorry to hear about your dad, that's so sad :( :hug: It's great that your relationship doesn't have to end in a bad way, you have such a good heart! My (half-) brother never met his dad. His dad first tried to get in contact when he was diagnosed with cancer too and only had a few weeks left. My brother was almost 40 by then and decided to not talk to him. I can see his point but it seemed very cold :(

I think, generally I forgive my mum for the past. But I have difficulties forgiving her made up BS about how she was super mum. It's like she's discrediting all my struggles as a child and teen. And I felt horrible then. It was the time when I started drinking cause I felt so detached and alone and not cared about. Most days she treated me like air or just gave me some money to buy her ciggs and some food for myself. I started buying vodka bottles instead to escape. I was so unhappy and I couldn't stand living with her. Sometimes, when she was especially frustrated she took it out on me and shouted at me all day, taking my phone, TV or computer away for no reason. I remember standing so often in front of the open window, thinking about jumping. It was a really horrible and dark time and I was still a child. It just hurts so much that she now pretends that she was someone she simply was not. It's not her not being there for me in the past that angers me but how she speaks about that time.
And for being so codependent now. She's not bossy at all, she's very immature herself and probably just not made for the mother's role. She just worries so much about every tiny thing and constantly seeks reassurance about everything. That I really have enough food, that I am really not lying about having enough food, that I am feeling okay, that my leg really is okay, .... And she constantly expects me to motivate and praise her and to be understanding. Like she wants me to be her mum in a way. It just feels all so odd and wrong and it tires me out. She's a lovely lady but being her daughter isn't easy.

When I hear others having that mum who makes them feel safe or is comforting them, having lovely memories of home cooked food or anything "home" related really, I feel so sad because I have nothing like that. When I think of home it's about my mum, dad and brother being stuck in their own heads or engaging in arguments. Our cats were the only reliable source of comfort and I loved them to pieces. My dad was wonderful and came up with such creative plays like building small houses for dwarfs in the forest. But most of the time he was too busy with his company or too drunk.

Ugh, this is turning into me just feeling sorry for myself. It's late and I tend to feel depressed around bed time.

Oh and congrats on 76 days!! :) :hug:

24

Oh Kevlar I’m so sorry to hear you had such a rough upbringing :hug:
As Venuscat said, it’s so awesome that you turned out to be so amazing and caring! You rock! Sending big hugs to you :hug: xxx

Signing in for another 24. Worried about tomorrow - I've got a long day out and about so I can't just hide from the liquor store. I'm going to think about you guys and check in when I get home safe.

23:04 EDT and another 24 for me!
Happy Friday!

:c012: 24 more please

May I please have another 24 hours with a side of gut instinct? Thank you.

Why certainly! I'll commit to stay sober the next 24 hours.

8:32 PM in the San Juan Islands.

24 more please.

These panicky feelings at work the past 2 days have me feeling insane. The unreality, disassociation and fainting feeling kept trying to rise above the surface anxiety. I was feeling so low today after work. But after a meeting, phone conversations with my mom and gram (who are visiting soon!!!) and a sunset hike, I am feeling so much better. I was feeling dreadful earlier not like I wanted to drink but like I wanted oblivion. I am grateful i am finding ways to cope that are not self destructive. I felt so positive a week ago, so I know it will get better. Tomorrow begins my own mediation bootcamp.

Today at the meeting a guy suggested the topic of pink clouds and when they burst. He said he picked up his 90 day chip and then felt like his pink cloud burst and is left feeling depressed. My favorite old timer said, "well young man, just find youself another pink cloud!". I'm going to do that.

Yes, I miss Deek not being here for this Big 400. This was her baby, so a BIG :a194: thank you Deek wherever you may be!! Maybe she'll come visit again, we're still here, right?!
:tyou
Bobbi

5.50 a.m in North West U.K

An early good morning to you all.

Happy to sign up for another 24 and I just have to share that I got myself a new little kitten yesterday, a tiny grey one with 4 white paws. Her name is Lulu.

Much love to all of you.

Keep checking in Lascaux, it really helps me when the sneaky AV is whispering at me, or sometimes yelling at me.. together we’re stronger :grouphug:


I like that Goodbyeevan, I’m going to remember it, just find yourself another pink cloud :) ❤️

Awwww Lulu sounds adorable Daisy ❤️

Yes, I too will sign in for my next 24 .....
:grouphug: Bobbi :grouphug:

My group suggests:

Stay in the middle of the heard.

Stick with the "winners" (those folks who you admire, they have-in sobriety- what you want).

Share that which was so freely given to me.

I'll do another 24 hours. Seems to be working pretty well. :)

24 more, thanks :)

24 more for me please at 2:56 am.

Have a good day all!

https://i.imgur.com/mBkvcQi.jpg?1

I have so much gratitude every day since I am sober,
It's more than I've ever asked!
24 more please https://www.surlatoile.com/smileys/r.../minikoala.gif

Thanks
____________
Merci la vie ☼

Another 24 please
Marmite lover :a143:

I'll take another 24 please & thanks.

Congrats to all our milestoners & wishing everyone a good day.
I am heading for my Saturday meeting today, exactly where I need to be.

Thank you everyone for your support, means the world.

Much Love to all, SP :Val004::a194: