Two weeks ago:

Originally Posted by DoubleDragons
I think you seem to be like me in regards of trying to be all things to all people and that is impossible. We set ourselves up for failure and resentment and exhaustion with those expectations of ourselves. Failure and resentment and utter fatigue are the perfect recipe for the desire to drink. I am really trying to keep it simple this year. I plan to avoid all drama that does not involve me.

It is true that I am a born people pleaser. But I realize I do this as much for me as for others. I try to keep that in mind when setting expectations. It (mostly) reduces the resentment piece anyway.

Above was two weeks ago, here is full disclosure. Written today but months in the making (literally). I’ll jump right in:

So my response to “all things to all people” is true, but limited. I do like to please people in that sense that most of us do. But my reasons are far more internally motivated and, I realize, unhealthy.

As a card caring member of the Generalized Anxiety Club, I used to think that anxiety was the answer to my "issues", but that never felt quite right. Too broad. What exactly caused the anxiety? Unfortunately, I never took the opportunity to explore the issue with a psychologist. Instead, I just took the Xanax prescribed by the psychiatrist and went on my way. That was disaster. I only took the Xanax occasionally (read: when I drank so much the night before it was used to quell next day’s anxiety/hangover). That was awesome I tell you. Now I was back to rockin it out big time every night cause had super-effective band-aid next morning. Uhhhg!

Anyway, fast forward a few years with a bit more self-exploration (some of it sober). I am certain my anxiety could more likely be narrowed down to a classic case of an inferiority complex (an oldie from a DSM erspective, but a goodie nonetheless). I can very easily identify with concomitant problems centering on self-doubt, inadequacy (and associated overcompensation).
I am forever trying to be viewed by others as someone who has value. “Please see me as strong, competent, interesting…I stack up, I am good enough”.

I think know why I do this. I don’t see a lot of value in me. And I certainly don’t love me. Can someone who has been there explain this concept to me? The concept of “you must love yourself before you can be loved by others” conaequently also is unknown to me.

Quite frankly, I have always wondered why people would possibly love me. I’m not particularly outstanding at anything (although I do liken myself t be good at a lot of things). There is nothing that really separates me from anybody else in this world. I spend an inordinate amount of time looping on confidence issues (to no avail). What’s to love?

Now let me state that I know plenty of people do love and like me. I just get stuck on why. Since I don’t know why, I don’t always believe it (you see the constant loop here?). Since I don’t know why, I must make the love true…give people a reason if you will. In my mind I can do this by engaging in activities that I think may please people and show them how I am strong, stack up, interesting (whatever). But this is a foolish game I have long played because as hard as I impose my will on circumstances, it never really works (meaning, it never changes my warped cognitions even if I do in fact please people or accomplish something “big” - more loop). So in the end, I am just this walking emotional Gieger counter reacting to my perceptions of how people see me and how I want them to see me. I often err and make misattributions and faulty conclusions. What a mess.

As an aside, it’s more than fair to say that I am also a classic overrachiever (attemtpting to compensate for perceived inadequacies??).

What I can’t figure out is what this is born of. My childhood was perfectly fine (so far as I can remember). I have many great siblings who were mostly terrific companions. My parents were not pushers in any sense of the word. In fact, they were always kind and caring. Pretty normal stuff. I also don’t have a single shred of evidence to suggest that I don’t stack up. I’ve always done at least a pretty good job of accomplishing whatever goals I’ve set out for myself. Some of them were/are quite lofty. After spending a lifetime overachieving or at least attempting to do so, you’d think I’d be over it. Nope.

There could be an innate root tied to temperament style. I’m introverted (concept well studied, I wrote many papers on this topic). I also fall very close to center on the Thinking/Feeling paradigm which is a bit unusual comparatively speaking for men. Add a few healthy pinches of anxiety and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a simmering overthinker who is unsure of himself.

So there you have it. I’ve been wanting to share this for quite some time, but have been reluctant to do so because, get this, I am a paid Psychologist. Please allow me to emphasize that I am a School Psychologist not a Clinical Psychologist. I am a very good School Psychologist…. but I couldn’t counsel anyone out of a wet paper bag. If you want to know about learning disabilities, autism, gifted, emotional/behavioral disorder, developmental delays and how they relate to educational programming, I’m your man. Therapy is a whole different story. Still it is a bit embarrassing that a psychologist couldn’t work this out on own (but I guess a medical doctor doesn’t perform her own surgery).

Why share? Please know that in no stretch of the imagination is this a “woe is me” tale with subtle solicitation for your pity. Truth is I find self-pity to be among the most unattractive of human qualities. I have no desire for yours.

My hopes are two-fold:
1.To give you all a better understanding of me, and hence, the place from which I write. That just makes to whole shebang more solid/pure.
2.Take a step in the right direction. I do not want to continue further into my adulthood incessantly looping on feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, and poor self-esteem when there is no legitimate need or basis for it. The looping seems like such a monumental waste of precious time. I am after all a good person who is valuable. I just need to really feel it without having to regularly remind myself (think Al Franken from SNL looking in mirror…”I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!” – pathetic).

My first post (i.e., dissertation) on this site worked well for pushing me over the hump on something so long desired (sobriety). And at least I don’t hate myself anymore (as I so eloquently put it months ago). My thought is that by throwing this out there I may grease wheels again. Further to this end, I also will be seeking counseling for this condition. I don’t think I can accomplish the cognitive restructuring alone on this one. That’s like 36 years of foundation I’ve got to blow up (perhaps taking this post to the Doc is a good way to start the stretching).

At any rate, please know that while this loop is constant, it is not debilitating. And I’m certainly in no crisis. There was and is much that brings me happiness in life. I’m just tired of the undercurrent…I’ve felt like a like a dog chasing its tail for a long, long time.

From a public perspective, I think I’ve mostly managed to pull this complex off in a way that may look pretty normal to most people. We addicts get pretty good at behaving in ways that mask true intentions/feelings. But from here on out, I hope to make public perception less of my concern anyway. It just takes too much energy. My resources can be better spent.

I’m sure these insecurities are a huge reason why I started drinking in the first place…liquid courage, right? For me, I believe WhoDey (and others among you) are right regarding underlying issues as contributor to the disease. This often bothered me when that topic was brought up because I felt I was hiding something important (i.e., the insecurity) from you all. I mean, who wants to post that one has a self-perception that they are weak? I’m over it now. I feel that if I throw it out there, maybe my whole SR experience can be even more potent from a growth perspective…part of the journey toward healing. (Still, it’s funny how foundational this disorder is to my being. Even now I get concerned/fear that I may be taking too much of your time on me, how will I be perceived? Will they see me as weak?…loop, loop, loopy).

I know this may seem small compared to others battles, but it is my battle. It is significant where I live.

Tobers, I also know there is much much much to learn as we travel, but if I could figure this one out, it would be a thick layer of icing on my sobriety cake. (I’m putting this as my number one for 2014; Spanish will come later).

I sure would hate to see my children struggle with something like this.

My signature line by Holmes is relevant here. I hope to stretch the mind to get to a new and better place.

Thanks guys.

You're right Driver, I'm not going to give up this fight, no matter what. Still, each time I fail it's a bigger kick in the gut and it becomes that much tougher to get back up again. I'm hoping that fact is sufficient to keep me on my toes and from relapsing again. I really don't want to go down this painful road again and I don't think I can afford to...simply too much at stake.

Driver ... Thank you for being open and sharing. Don't be surprised if many of us can relate to your struggle.

A while back, I shared my issues with adoption. The resulting root condition for me is similar to what you stated ... not feeling worthy of being loved. I look for, and collect, experiences that reinforce that mindset. Maybe I should write a thesis or two!

Again, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing.

"Drinking man listens to the voice he hears,
In a crowded room full of covered up mirrors,
Lookin' into the lost forgotten years,
For Dignity

"So many roads, so much at stake
So many dead ends, I'm at the edge of the lake
Sometimes I wonder what it's gonna take
To find Dignity"

SM ... I'm very happy that you returned to SR. You don't need to be alone in your struggle. I have come close a couple of times to just throwing in the towel and giving up ... accepting a life as an addict. It was reading stories of success on SR, however, that gave me the faith to give sobriety a chance.

Stay with us Brother. We need each other.

Driver,

"Why would people love me"?

That is the age old question isn't it? Good at a lot of things, great at nothing. That would describe most people, and a lot of people wish they were good at a lot of things. I used to ask myself what my wife sees in me, but then I realized everyone has insecurities. No matter how confident some people appear, they also have a vulnerable/weak side.

Hope everyone has a decent day, SM, keep gettin better sir ! I think it's not gonna take a whole, whole lot of tweaking things to get to where it won't be so bad on you. You got it licked, man Goin all that time between lapses. I haven't made it that long even once yet ! Oh, but I will, I'm hoping. You can do it. Keep running. If I chuck this job next week like I hope, I can get off the treadmill and out into the world again. Trying to live on a nightshift is like having a constant mild hangover, for me, now that I'm in my 40s. Been biting the bullet, but I'm done one way or the other, next week.
You hold on man, it'll get better. We're with you !

Didn't read the last few posts- sorry
- DRIVER : awesome opening up, man. I'll do it one day. Be a head scratching entertaining read, If I can make it make sense !
I think your personal things help you in your work. What it seems to me is that people lack the feeling that they are "loved", either through family or maybe just social interaction in general. You show empathy in your work, and that, I am certain- counsels more people,kids, whatever, out of wet paper bags than you might think. Just my thoughts.

Wow, Driver...interesting post....As Bill mentioned, I think that many of us can relate. As for being a school psych...sounds like you are in the same field as I was....assessing students with special needs....I was the teacher...then the administrator...private practice as an advocate. I do think that there is a bit of "not good enough" in all of us. Trying to figure out what the world sees in us and trying to be "better than" or "make a name for ourselves". Funny, though, once retired....I have been able to really look at that and say, "Why?". So much of myself was wrapped up in who I was professionally, and in how I was viewed by others. Now, it doesn't really matter. In a way, I think my 3 year relapse might have been tied to that in some way. Leaving the States, having no "reputation", so to speak, to "live up to"....definitely did a "what the he!!" attitude thing. I actually did have to get to the point of "loving myself first" in order to get sober. There was no one else who really cared. Sure, my husband cared, in his own way....but, it wasn't up to him to stop me....and....I knew he wasn't "going anywhere" if I should continue to drink. So, I had to do it for me. I had to care. Personally, I think that you have some very "normal" perceptions that, in some way, society ascribes to all....climbing the proverbial ladder.....but, what happens when you reach the top? For me, ultimately, it turned into a "so what?" or a "now what?" And again...who cares? I guess I did. Something I had to do for myself...until I didn't anymore. Then the realization that I had spent my whole life struggling to "make it" professionally and personally. Good mom, good job, nice house, etc. etc. For what? Now, I am satisfied, and pretty content with the simple things....and I am just learning to enjoy each day as it comes. It has definitely been a learning experience, and a real change in perception. I hope you can resolve some of your questions through some therapy....if you so choose. Gotta say, I used to love going to therapy....a whole hour just to talk about ME...lol...SM...been there (at the "what the he!!" point....). It's a tricky place to be...Glad you are back!

I echo that, we all need each other. In past, lame attempts at sobriety I caved to drinking, and never lasted 50-60 days. Usually after about a week or so I found myself at the liquor store. This time I plan on making it stick. I make it a habit to read the Newcomers To Recovery section because of all the early struggles there. I have no intention on going back there because it sounds too painful to relive.

SM, is it possible to see a doctor about your travel/job related sobriety. There is more here at work than mere peer pressure. As WhoDey said a while ago maybe it is the freedom from the restrictions you have on drinking while at home. Are you tempted to drink at all while you are at home?

Not tempted at home or when alone. Only while in company while on the road, if that makes any sense?

Thanks WD...I'm not going anywhere, don't worry!

I can see where this could be a major trigger to drinking. Maybe you can change up your routine next time you go. Think about how good you felt the two times you went and didn't drink. I know it is much easier said than done but just try to get by the first day as your goal.

I am beginning to realize that I just can't hang out with certain people anymore. These colleagues and people in my work community are essentially drinking buddies. I have continued to try and socialize with them while I'm on the road and alway end up drinking. My sobriety is more important now. I'm going to have to sit with the non-drinkers and avoid 'drinks in the lobby bar' at all costs. These events are turning into suicide missions for me and my career. Gonna shake things up and just avoid any dangerous environments.

Driver - I have been able to sense your insecurity in your posts from time to time. Most recently, your disclaimer to talking about the babies on SR. (Side note: OMG - I have baby fever now. They are so cute!) As I was reading that post I was actually shaking my head 'no' thinking "but I want to hear about them!"

Here is the thing. Those babies are going to love you unconditionally, and you them. It is a wonderful feeling and you don't have to question it. I can tell you are going to be a great dad and you will do things for them because it's the right thing to do. You will learn what each cry means in regards to their needs and you will become an expert on soothing and comforting them before you know it. Learning to love yourself is much like loving a baby. Once you recognize the signs and what they mean you can act on them. "Love" is a verb. An action word. If you are having feelings of inadequacy or inferiority maybe that is a sign that you are putting others' needs before your own. Time to reprioritize.

I know for me the tie in this to my drinking is that I have always, always put others needs before my own. And I rewarded myself handsomely in wine/beer for those sacrifices. I hated myself at the end of my drinking. Like, look in the mirror and cringe kind of hate. It's hard to undo that kind of damage. Years and years of thinking I am the biggest piece of **** around.

So in this last 106 days I have been trying to identify what makes me happy and what makes me feel good. I love helping others. The more anonymous the better. I love going to meetings and hearing other people share their struggles and the idea that maybe something I say will be helpful or at least let them know they are not alone in this. I like exercising and eating right. My clothes fit better so I feel better. This my friend, is self care. As we sat around every night guzzling our drinks of choice we were most certainly not caring for ourselves. And when we were not drinking we were making up for our "bad behavior" by trying to put others' needs ahead of our own. It's almost annoying how clear it is for me to see in my sober hindsight. I must take care of myself. When I am at my best I do good things and I attract that kind of attention.

I hope through all of this you can find some peace in your journey of self discovery. And sorry if I strayed too far away from what you shared. I really liked what you had to say!

Thanks so much for sharing everyone! Driver and Cynderino, your posts were so insightful and comforting for me. Thank you. I don't have much to write. I have not been sleeping well at night again for a little over a week. My husband has had the flu and we are looking for houses to buy which is a real trigger for both of us. We have been renting for the last 2.5 years after losing tons of money on our last house. We had turned our last house into the dream house that our grandkids would come home to, but then the economy turned and we had to move for my husband's job and our house lost half of its value in what seemed like a matter of weeks. You all know the story . . . Anyway, we have come to terms that we are staying here and it makes more financial sense for us to buy instead of rent but my heart is just not in it and I am not finding anything that makes my heart flutter. I feel really exhausted and depleted. Luckily, no cravings to drink though! Even when looking at all of the houses with wine cellars, wine coolers and wine bars. :P I really do think that the more sobriety time you have under your belt, the easier it really does get to be. And the idea of drinking does seem too costly in a lot of ways to make it all that tempting. Hugs to all of you. It is so nice to know you all are always here for me and for each other. We are kind of like Cheers, but sans the alcohol. A Place Where Everyone Knows Your Name . . . . kind of.

WD, your recent posts regarding both your adoption history and those that you've brought up for some time now centering on underlying causes for our drinking were very meaningful to me. They certainly had my wheels turning.

I believe you have helped me make some break throughs. Thank you.

Great strategy SM...makes a lot of sense.

Question: do you think you run (i.e., do something really healthy) as a means for justifying something really unhealthy (drinking)? Just curious; I know I did.

Thanks for the Bob Dylan bilr. Hadn't thought about that song in a long time.

Cindy,

Thanks for the very thoughtful response Cyndy. It means a lot. It is a comfort to know there are others who struggle with similar issues. You’ve given me quite a lot to think about…and your success is super super inspirational to me (like, hmm, it can be done – the restructuring).

BTW, I know I mentioned this last week, but worth mentioning again: I am thrilled for you! I remember way back when (mid-October; seems like a lifetime ago, right?) you were so hesitant re: attending meetings (and especially speaking while at meeting). Now look at what you are doing! That is fantastic!!

So here is a bit on babies. I do recognize the unconditional love of these little guys and the unique opportunity they present. There will be no reason to question why these children love me. They will do so because I tell ‘em to (kidding!)….because it’s unblemished by my history. How wonderful is that? A chance to hit the re-set button!!!!

Milk Drunk!: