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Fish & Kaneda, my app is failing also. UI, are you going to meetings/do you have a living sober book? I find that those two things help lift my spirit, allow me to reclaim boss status over my AV. I am much less interested in the newcomers thread also. Mostly because I feel like I'm posting the same thing over and over again. Renarde, how's school going? I'm really happy that I found this group! You guys are great and I hope you continue to post here even if you have a slip! Household chores: DONE! Clothes are being washed, bathroom and living room are spic and span, my room is cleaner as is my kitchen. Thanks again Rochele for setting a good example for me! :You_Rock_ My big task tomorrow is the dishes!! :a108: I cleaned just in time, as my baby sister (who is a sophomore in college) called and asked if she could stay the night at my apt tonight. She's an anxious girl and is really having a difficult time being away from home. My father is not well and I think has started popping pain pills again. I'm glad I can be there for her, and that she now has a sober example to look up to in me! No way I'm throwing that away. 26 days and going strong!!! I keep having weed smoking dreams tho. Like every night! :headbange Anyway that's all for now! Im about to watch New Girl in my nice clean living room! Take care everyone!! :ring |
Sleep well 1stepup! |
Originally Posted by Uninvited
(Post 4255432)
I was particularly sad when the Newcomers forum became something I can barely read anymore. At times I feel like this class is an army that has been in a war for a few months, seen a lot of awful battles, and know a lot of us are likely to get shot if we aren't careful. And the newcomers seem to me like the shiny new recruits getting off the newbie bus in their spiffy new uniforms and they don't know a damn thing, and are all likely to get shot in the next battle. It's almost like I don't want to invest any time in reading what they have to say because I know that lots of platitudes about how they are 5 days sober and never drinking again (with lots of !!!) don't really mean a damn thing in this war. Or maybe these thoughts are just me being angry and anti social. Lately I try to remember that sobriety is often a journey that takes several years to finally get there. At least it did me. I was here three years ago swearing this was it. Made it three months and then caved. Someone here quoted a Seinfeld episode where they said it sometimes takes several shoves to tip over a Pepsi machine. Most times we are watching the first or second shove of something that will probably take 10 or 20. It's a marathon not a sprint. I hope you reserve some energy for the 25th mile or so. Take care of you. |
Originally Posted by Uninvited
(Post 4255432)
I'm kind of angrier than normal too. Possibly because I'm not allowing the AV to win. I still want to be sober more than I want a couple hours of escape, but man that couple hours of escape sounds so good at times. I think I'm tired too of this constant focus on sobriety. I find myself still interested in reading this site the last few days, but far less interested in posting. When that happened I questioned myself if I was pulling away so that I could start drinking again and I don't think it's that. I think after 2 months of being so caught up in this whole sober thing I'm just exhausted by it. I was particularly sad when the Newcomers forum became something I can barely read anymore. At times I feel like this class is an army that has been in a war for a few months, seen a lot of awful battles, and know a lot of us are likely to get shot if we aren't careful. And the newcomers seem to me like the shiny new recruits getting off the newbie bus in their spiffy new uniforms and they don't know a damn thing, and are all likely to get shot in the next battle. It's almost like I don't want to invest any time in reading what they have to say because I know that lots of platitudes about how they are 5 days sober and never drinking again (with lots of !!!) don't really mean a damn thing in this war. I like the analogy of tipping the Pepsi machine. It will be interesting to see how our journeys play out. But we only can be responsible for just one day, today. And today we will eat ice cream. |
Thanks Lilian, im still up, been playing mini pool in the arcade section here- man its addictive!!!! 2am here now gonna be tired tomorrow!!! |
UI, I can really identify with your post, and I am glad you replied, and got it all out there. I also feel tired of it all sometimes, but try to stay engaged to be there for others because I know how much it has helped me in the past. But, I also find more often, I just do not have much say there. Your war analogy is so poignant. It is sad to see so many come and disappear. I am on my third run here in a month club myself. Hopefully my last. I find it helpful sometimes to try to reach out and comment or support if I can identify, or of it seems someone is in deep despair. I try to look at it as payback for the support I get when I need it. Not trying to be preachy, but saying I understand what you said, and I try to shift those feelings by thinking back to when I was new and hoping someone, somewhere gave a crap about my dilemma. I also feel like I sometimes use time here as a crutch, when I really need to get to making a better life for myself. I like to hope that when the month clubs slow down, it is because some folks move on because they succeeded. Angry. Oh I blew up today at my husband over a thermostat dispute! I know it was really built up stress from a rough day yesterday. The |
regarding newcomers - I used to feel that way too in my first year. To continue with the metaphor mostly I wanted to be the grizzled tough veteran platoon sergeant who bodily dragged them all to safety...didn't do much of that in the end. other times it seemed too painful to watch and I just wanted to be the former soldier who walked away from the war and never spoke about it again. In the end, I figured out the problem wasn't the newbies at all - it was me. People do relapse...that's a fact - and I saw my face reflected in every one of them. I was scared, I was scared of my own powerlessness to save others, and I was scared that that powerless would inevitably extend to me and my own recovery. It didn't. I worked hard, I gave it my all and I stayed sober :) Once I got over my fear of relapse my attitude towards newcomers changed - for the better. I think you guys will find that too :) D |
Hey guys. I relate to so many posts today. I just love you all so much. I do feel like you guys are my combat buddies. I'm so lucky to have ended up in the Sept class. No time to respond or write a lot. Just wanted to say two things. First, my day at work was awesome. Second, my first test for being infected from the exposure came back negative!!!! Thank goodness! I still have a long way to go with lots of tests, but it is nice to have this one done. I also received an email from my program admin that's makes me feel like maybe I am not just a PITA to them after all. |
glad you got another round of good results renarde :) D |
Originally Posted by Renarde
(Post 4255779)
Second, my first test for being infected from the exposure came back negative!!!! Thank goodness! I still have a long way to go with lots of tests, but it is nice to have this one done. I also received an email from my program admin that's makes me feel like maybe I am not just a PITA to them after all. |
Thank you!! It's been a relief! I actually had to take an anti-anxiety med last night. It was just too much. I am looking forward to moving on with my life. My phone app is also not working. How is everyone doing tonight? Regarding the discussion of feeling sad Or frustrated with the newcomers forum - I think it's easier to spot that blinding denial. It's hard not to be able to just shake someone out of it. it's strange looking on the outside in now that we have some sober time and experience. be careful, UI. You have seemed rather blue lately. I am worried about you! |
Renarde, I'm so glad your test came out well!!! Woo Hoo!! |
Glad about the tests Renarde. You were due some good news. I've just caught up on the recent posts and really relate to them. I too feel battle weary a lot of the time. I'm really trying to stay focussed but so many people in my life seem to be (unwittingly) trying to undermine me at the moment. It's making me feel very lonely. Thank god for you bunch of eloquent Septemberites. |
WOOP WOOP Renarde on tests and job |
Well, its coming to the end of another day. Actually, I have to admit it wasnt too bad today. Whilst I wasnt exactly bursting into song, at least I dont feel sad or depressed. Had my chat with my boss who took my recommendation and will discuss with legal counsel and his bosses. I've played my hand and now its beyond my control. So, I've stopped thinking about it. Was actually able to start thinking about the future and what will be my next steps. I had a good chat with my psychologist as well. She is gobsmacked that I have no desire to drink ! I just dont (well, at least for now). She gave me useful advice in that it is ok to feel the emotions of sadness and depression. It is only natural. But the key is to take decisive action and actively work around these feelings. They can reside in you but not lead you to giving up or not sticking to a program. That is self-pity which can spiral down and lead to the bottle. I know in the coming months it will become increasing more difficult to cope with joblessness. The financial pressures will rise. But all I can do is live for today, appreciate what has been gifted to me and face forward. Reading the past posts, I also can say that I dont feel very keen to post on most of the Newcomer's website. However, I will try to post on those where I feel they need to heard, are genuinely trying and the ones that are succeeding ! Being humble, honest, grateful and giving are important precepts for my recovery. I need to adhere to them to lead a sober, spiritual and happy life. |
Originally Posted by Kaneda8888
(Post 4255280)
Morning all, very crisp and fresh day here. I went to an AA meeting last night and just didnt want to leave. It was like a warm security blanket. I always feel better once I leave the office. Then did a workout this morning and deliberately pushed myself hard. Nothing beats a workout to clear the mind ! Lommey, sorry to hear about your situation. It must be a tense environment. Know that the future can only look better when you are sober. Back in the office now. Feels like a jail at times ;) I will find out when is my last day today I think as my boss should be back. Just need to steel myself and focus on the task at hand. To be honest, everyone keeps asking me what do I plan to do and I am have no idea right now. Just feel lost. So, I dont think too much about the future. Its painful but in an odd way, I want to feel this pain. In the past, I would have been locked up in a room with bottles of vodka to medicate myself. This time I want to experience it and develop a coping mechanism that doesnt involve alcohol. I am praying a lot, repeat the Serenity Prayer constantly and really focus on my emotions. Observing and letting them be. Rambling over, back to the grind.... Totally relate to your feelings about the AA meeting! I feel like that about most meetings I attend. I'm fortunate to be in a place where AA meetings are as ubiquitous as Starbucks, and I refuse to take it for granted! The truth is, life is LIFE, which can really suck sometimes. But the silver lining and beauty of recovery is that, no matter how sh**ty life gets, I am still happy to be sober! The qualifier at tonight's meeting started with a laundry list of his worries and ailments, saying that he had been to more meetings today than he ever had (in over 20 years of sobriety) before, because he was going through a difficult time and didn't trust himself in solitude. He then said that despite his woes, he was a "happy customer" in terms of sobriety. It is encouraging to know that even 20 something years down the road, I have the potential to appreciate sobriety in the face of life's challenges. AA helps me in that way. It helps me be happy on the face of tragedy because at the end of the day, at least I'm still sober! I refuse to let life's fuckedupness take that away from me, and I am grateful to have a place to go where I can learn and grow and share and be reminded of the gift that is sobriety. I need that on a daily basis, and I think I will be going to meetings and working the steps for the rest of my life, which makes me EXCITED about my future and what it holds. Uncertainty is tough, but it will pass! All you have to do is take care of yourself and keep living. And it seems to me like you're doing a damn good job of both! Goodnight (evening!)! Xoxo |
Originally Posted by Clemence
(Post 4255888)
G I'm really trying to stay focussed but so many people in my life seem to be (unwittingly) trying to undermine me at the moment. It's making me feel very lonely. Thank god for you bunch of eloquent Septemberites. Sorry to hear about that. I am starting to read up a little about loneliness as its one of my biggest triggers to drink. There was a recent article in an Oz newspaper describing loneliness as one of the major social issues for the modern age. Also I've been reading on how to combat loneliness. The key seems to be having a lot of social interaction (duh) including actively participating on online forums ! Also passive social interaction is also beneficial (eg, just sitting in a room with other people but not necessarily engaging in conversation). Anyway, will keep on reading up on this. |
Morning guys, Kaneda8888 I hope things really work out for you, keep praying, I agree that Uncertainty will pass but Jesus it seems like forever at time. I keep telling myself everyday I have to keep living regardless but feel depressed and very lonely and not sure where to turn. I have to friends from AA and although the are good and listen to me endlessly I still feel trapped or something, like a rat trying to get away! I have done 4 weeks, then 3 weeks sober but something always happens and I drink. I guess a lot of self pity going on here too. Ah, sigh! have scones in oven need to go. |
Originally Posted by Black
(Post 4255988)
Morning guys, Kaneda8888 I hope things really work out for you, keep praying, I agree that Uncertainty will pass but Jesus it seems like forever at time. I keep telling myself everyday I have to keep living regardless but feel depressed and very lonely and not sure where to turn. I have to friends from AA and although the are good and listen to me endlessly I still feel trapped or something, like a rat trying to get away! I have done 4 weeks, then 3 weeks sober but something always happens and I drink. I guess a lot of self pity going on here too. Ah, sigh! have scones in oven need to go. Just try not to wallow in it. Like Kaneda said, sobriety allows you to truly examine those feelings and where they are coming from- it allows you to be honest with yourself. You may not like what you discover, but I truly believe that the longer you are sober, the better you will feel about yourself and other good things will follow. That is happening in my case. I am also putting work into my sobriety- I'm working the steps, have a sponsor, etc. I think you mentioned having gone to AA? Have you gone back consistently? I have met some great people at meetings and am slowly coming out of my shell, calling people, etc. Maybe try getting the number of someone new after a meeting? Bottom line: you are NOT alone! You have children and a husband who love you and, at the very least you have SR and the Sobtemberites! Sending a big hug across the pond! :Val004: Enjoy your scones and your day! xx |
Thanks Kaneda. The lonely feeling is not from ever being physically alone; too many children and too much work for that to ever be the case. It's being sober amongs my still drinking friend who try and tell me I don't have a problem and should just be moderate. If I didn't keep coming onto SR I'm quite sure I'd be persuaded |
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