I'm doing well, thanks, guys. Things did get a bit messy for a while there. I hate to admit it but I was considering going secret. Can you believe that? I convinced myself that if I only drank in secret I'd be able to moderate it. Some dumb thinking for you there.

Ouch. Yeah, it's scary the thoughts that go through our head sometimes. Have you ever looked into AVRT before? That really helped me with random thoughts like that x

Secret drinking.......ooh that's a slippery slope....

And there's no way you can hide it from those closest to you, they will always find out. So then you've broken a trust too.

Don't even think about it xx

Ha! Yeah the secret drinking didn't work out well for me either. It just turned into a constant paranoia almost about if they find out.

Yeah, my drinking was pretty much always secret, but then there wasn't really anyone to hide it from, just people in general. I can certainly relate to the paranoia thing though.

How's you INH? x

How are you doing INH? And James, keep checking in with us now. We care about you xxx

1 more day at work, then I'm off for a fortnight.....yay!!

:dance1a:

What's that thing you do to dogs, where you're not stroking it exactly, you're rubbing it beneath its chin?

Like is there a word for that? You're [blank] the dog?

Petting?

Tickling?

Annoying?

That's a strange question Mark??!!

Actually, 'petting'.

Thanks, Jeni!

Glad I could help!!

How are you doing Mark?x

All right, thanks. On the straight and narrow. When I was properly drinking, I used to love drinking alone best... Uh, what am I saying? I guess we were all like that, right? Well, anyway, like everybody else here, I used to love getting trashed by myself, and in fact got quite adept at maintaining a steady level of trashedness throughout the day, straightening out for early evening -- just enough to not arouse suspicion -- then diving back into a bottle for the rest of the evening. Rinse and repeat.

Today I could have done that. In fact, I told myself, I might. This was all part of my cunning plan. I was tricking myself, see, because I know the way my brain works. My brain hates being told no, it rebels against all that. So I told myself that I might at some point fetch in some booze and commence the wastedness.

But never did!

And the fact that I'm still (or 'am once again') fighting these battles, by the way, is why falling off the wagon is such a bad idea. Don't do it, people.

Actually I was never a secret drinker, I didn't need to be. I live with another alcoholic, so if he came home from work at 6 p.m on a Friday evening to find I'd already finished half a bottle of vodka...no big deal!

The normalisation of that kind of drinking meant the denial carried on for years. There was no consequence with anyone getting upset. Well if we did upset each other, we often couldn't remember why in the mist of hangover land the next day. And if the memory did linger, we simply drank it away the next day. A perfect alcoholic life.....

We are both 10 months sober now. What a difference!x

Oh, wow, he gave up too. That's great news! Excuse my terrible memory but wasn't he/you in the wine business or something?

Nope. Think that's James.

If I was, I'd probably be dead by now......!!!x

I only drank by myself because I live alone. I did have relationships where I had to hide it but I usually avoided that situation. I couldn't imagine what I would have done if I lived with my partner who didn't drink alcoholically. I probably would have ended up drinking secretly too. I lived with another alcoholic for years though and that was really not fun. We were different types of drinkers though and very critical of one another. I drank everyday and he binged, pretty badly but justified his behaviour by being sober sometimes. Well we both managed to justify our behaviour by thinking we weren't as bad as the other. He's gone down the moderation route now, not sure how that's working out... It's amazing how all these different situations really amount to the same thing though. Does your wife drink Marks?

Well done to both of you on your 10 months Jeni, that's awesome!

Yeah, but she's a real normal drinker. Even when I was drinking in front of her like a regular person I used to have to go to great lengths to cover up how much I was drinking.

i think there was a part of me that used to quite enjoy the subterfuge aspect of it (I'm ashamed to say).

Hey all, just letting you know whats up.

I am going to be collecting my 60 day chip today. I got 60 days on Saturday, but they do the chip thing on Wednesday at the meeting I go to. I am there pretty much everyday, twice on Wednesday because they have an atheist and agnostic meeting. I like having people to talk to and getting outside the military has helped a lot with being able to speak my mind. I still don't share much unless they call on me but I like to listen.

I also passed a little bit of a test last weekend. My biological dad (didn't raise me) wanted to meet up in Las Vegas, as I only live three hours drive from there. He didn't know that I had quit drinking, and didn't really know about my situation. Anyhow, when we met up we went to dinner and while waiting for a table we went to the bar to "have a beer together". I let that comment slide as I had during a couple of phone conversations leading up to this meeting. He ordered a beer and I ordered a coffee. All I told him is that, "I gave up drinking". he seemed to accept that and didn't push me to bad, other than that I said "it had become a problem so I had to stop". Of course that is the AMAZINGLY shortened form lol but it worked for him.

Of course he is a daily drinker as well, so we picked up his wine for the night and he assumed that on a Saturday night in Vegas i was going to want to go out on the town and do whatever it is that single relativity young guys do in Vegas as night. I did entertain that idea for a while, I am sure I could have found myself some trouble to get into, but I caught myself and just stayed in for the night talking with him while he drank. It was fine till about 1200-0300 when he was officially drunk. it got a little tiring then. But I made it out unscathed by alcohol, I really did think about it a couple of times, and thought about going out on the town as well. But I figured that a night in Vegas alone is probably way too hazardous of a situation then i want to be in right now.

So yeah that is what is going on with me right now. Of course there is more but I don't want to write you all a book and if I did you wouldn't want to read it.

I am really glad to see everybody doing well, I do stop in and read the posts from time to time, even if I don't post myself.

Keep at it Mark!! You know I can't talk any smack, it took me more than a year to get 60 days, and I still struggle. I know exactly how hard it is to dredge up the gumption to give it another try. Persistence was one of my keys, so just keep on getting up and dusting off those walking shoes :)

Well done INH!! You sound in a totally different place. So happy to hear it xxx

Jo thanks for your kind words and well done INH

I think that's normal. You have to enjoy what you have to do. I enjoyed it when I was getting away with it.

Thanks for checking in James, and well done on 60 days INH! :) And passing the Vegas test is a massive achievement. I imagine it must have been emotional seeing your dad too. Glad you're doing so well x Please keep checking in x

I am having a weird transitional stage at the mo. I am coming to the end of my counselling thing which hasn't been very revelatory, and I am not sure what to do next. I feel kind of ungrounded seeing as I am not going to AA and although I feel pretty secure sober I am still not 100% and feel like I should be doing more recovery wise. I am supposed to go back to the docs to see how I feel now, maybe to try medication or I was thinking of asking for CBT counselling, the stuff they wouldn't let me do while I was drinking, but I had a bad experience at the docs again recently (for something unrelated) and I'm getting the sod you I'll look after myself response. Which in a way I feel like I should, just stop moaning and get on with it. I am aware I am getting pretty isolated but I am not sure if that matters either and maybe I'm just happier this way. **** knows.