Enjoy the film. I think it is a fitting way to celebrate, rather than attending a bar event. I'm feeling the Les Miserables a little myself. I'm in that post Christmas slump, have a wretched cold and I want to rebel a little (the old Sazzle would have drunk on this feeling) so I'm going to order a pizza and that will be my rebellion instead.

How have you enjoyed the outpatient programme? It's so cool that you finish on the last day of 2012. I know some people don't celebrate the new year, but I love a new year (and a full moon- tonight) and its an excuse for me to get rid of the old.

S x

Warning: Rant ahead with many words in BLOCKED capitalization and sure to offend people in this thread. I apology ahead of time for that.

I'm an alcoholic. I have been sober for 48 days. That seems like a paltry amount considering that I'm about to come off as a sanctimonious blowhard, but a I suppose a blowhard is a blowhard no matter how many days sober.

My posts on this forum have generally been nondescript a usually pretty self-absorbed. That doesn't mean that I haven't been paying attention to everyone else on this thread and becoming emotionally attached to this group as a whole. Perhaps, that's why I'm burning a little hot under the collar right now.

I'm no expert on alcoholism, I'm just an expert on myself, and even then, I'm not sure how well I know that. However, there is one thing I am sure of: alcoholics cannot drink responsibly. Let me repeat that, alcoholics cannot drink responsibly. If we could we wouldn't be be here.

Over the past couple of days, a couple of our regular members have admitted they had a drink or two. Congrats on you guys for having the cajones to come on here and admit that. But I can't sit here anymore and say that it's ok, your path is your own, etc. One drink is a massive, massive blow to the sobriety you've tried so hard to build over the past month or so.

I really don't mean to kick anyone when they're down, but replace one drink with any other addiction. I've had a crack problem in the past, but I just had one hit today. I was a smoker for fifteen years, but I just had one cigarette today. This site is littered with alcoholics who were sober and then tried a drink or two. What comes out after you say Ive had a drink is just noise.

Now let me address each personally: Rochelle, I was SO impressed when you had a drink in November and then picked yourself up and got sober again. I think sobriety is like a damn against a raging river of alcoholism. That damn takes a lot of effort and capital to build and once a single crack appears, the whole thing collapses quickly. I hope to (I would say God, but I'm an atheist) that you're able to do it again. We need you here, you're such an important, positive contributor to this group.

FMFT, as others have mentioned you've been in this group longer than almost everyone else. I know you feel extremely guilty for your drink and I hope you can use that as motivation. We need you here too.

Amy, I don't have children so perhaps I can't fully relate to your situation, but I do know this. You need to be healthy for them and if you're drinking you're not going to be. We need you here.

Again sanctimonious, yes. I just want US, this group of November to be different from the others, from the statistics. And I guess that`s why I`m writing this. Because if people here start drinking, it feels like my odds of staying sober decrease (and that`s my fault). That makes me upset, confused, and yes....angry.

What this post is going to accomplish, I have no idea. I with the holidays over that we not see another single person on this thread drink every again.

Love and peace Novies,
Nomis

Sorry to hear about your slip Rochele, it sounds like you are really up against it with little support.

I had a similar experience with antidepressants. I weaned myself off citalopram (cipralex I think in US) as it made me more anxious, sweaty and heart palps. I did it under my GPs watch and I seem to be ok now. I'm supplementing with 5-htp which boosts seratonin levels (mustn't be taken with a SSSR). You can do this with food as hydro tryptophan is found in eggs, turkey and a bunch of other foods.

I know we can't offer medical advice and I'd see your DR but I have my depression and anxiety under control with 5-htp, exercise, no alcohol and getting daylight.

I wish you better, I'm cheering for you Rochele.

S x

Nomis, I do solemnly swear that I will not drink. I made a commitment to myself to quit in NOvemver and had a few days practice from Oct 25th, expecting to drink but l didn't.

I first joined in July, gave up for like 5 days before I slipped. By the time I came back in October I was so sick and tired if being sick and tired that I quit. For good.

I know that one drink for me is a drunk and I can't afford to lose all I have built for myself, property owner, good job etc

They say that there are not enough days in life to learn from your own mistakes and I read here and learn from others. I learn when friends here like Amy, Rochele & ForMeForThem slipped for whatever reasons. It suggests vigilance, constant vigilance is needed. My fringed bought us pink champagne for Christmas Day. She thought it would be nice. It is my favourite celebratory drink. I said no, sorry, I'm not drinking today. I can't make allowances for very expensive pink champagne. Alcohol is alcohol is poison to me.

I am excited about being sober. I'm excited about my new life. I'm excited that I have enough years ahead of me to benefit massively from this decision.

I hear your rant, Nomis. I wish people would post here before they drink and we can help them.

S x

Nomis - I think its a fine line and a good debate. Tough love or pure accepting support. My brother was also an alcoholic who committed suicide. No one ever kicked him in the butt. The warm fuzzy didn't save him. Pisses me off! We were so freaking patient it was stupid. I understand your frustration. Trying to have just one drink, just one more time, can be a life or death decision whether we like it or not.

Nomis, I do come here for support, advice and encouragement. That does not mean warm fuzzies for mistakes I know I have made. I chose to learn from my experience last night. I could wallow in guilt and self pity or I can examine what needs changing. I choose number two.

At home, I actually wish my husband would be mad at me for drinking. I might feel like he gave a $hit if he did.

welcome back Rochele :)

If you look back through my posts you'll probably find a few ranty posts too Nomis...lol.

it's hard to watch people we care about do things we know they shouldn't do...and I think it's scary too cos it's a reminder of the power of this addiction.

I've learned tho...it's not my job to get people sober.
It would be wonderful if I could, but it's not possible.

Just as I needed to get to the 'eureka' point, so does everyone else here.

That journey can mean a few slips, stumbles & falls ....

Relapses happen...they're not mandatory by any means....but they're common nonetheless. Drink and drugs is a hard addiction to break

I think people are probably better at beating themselves up than I'll ever be, so I try to offer support, not condemnation...

and straight talking - but delivered (I hope) in such a way that my care and concern is obvious and the dignity of whoever I'm talking to can remain intact.

That kind of care and concern was obvious to me in your post Nomis...:)

This is great group - you guys rock! :)

cheerleading's not my thing...but what the hell...

lets all stay sober today :)

D

Nomis,
I appreciate your honesty and I can't say I disagree with anything you said. You're right, it's not OK. I am an alcoholic and you are right - alcoholics can't drink responsibly. I want to be clear, I never said I only had one drink. Once I started I couldn't stop and I drank alot. That will always happen to me, because I can not control it, I am an alcoholic. Everything I say about why, really is just noise. I know why it happened, I need to learn from it, make changes and work harder so it doesn't happen again. No wiggle room. I've got a lot of reasons to make this happen. I thank you for that honest and heartfelt post.

checking in for another weekend. feeling better tonight, thanks to everyone. not much else going on. just nice reading what everyone else it up to.

Veryready - I'm sorry about your brother.

Thanks for being so understanding with my rant everyone. I guess it really is just reflective of my own struggles with sobriety. I need to work on myself more than worrying about others.

FMFT and Rochelle stay strong and keep working, both of you are HUGE parts of this group and if we lost you, we just wouldn't be the same.

Ok - so speaking of working on things...I did it. I got on the treadmill this morning. It was hard, but I felt good after. The part I loved was having my headphones in and for that half an hour I couldn't hear my kids calling "MOM", didn't have to listen or talk to anyone and didn't have to see or think about all the things I needed to do...heaven!

Now I remember why I signed up for a 5K after I had my 3rd child. It was my excuse to escape, I could go running because I had to train for my 5K! I need to get back to that. So I'm doing this couch to 5K program (basically just builds your stamina up in 9 weeks). I think I'll look for a 5K for the spring. I need good things to focus on and goals to work towards.

I worked out today FMFT too. I got on my elliptical for only the second time since I got sick after Thanksgiving.

Had another party tonight. Last minute at neighbors across the street. The husband in that family is sober for maybe 20 years and it is a supportive crowd. No troubles. No heavy drinking there.

I do find it is stressful for me to do parties sober when I do not know everyone intimately. That idle chit chat seems harder. Not sure if was doing much more chatting when I drank, or if I just drank to keep busy and not have to chat. But I got to know a neighbor a bit better and she has asked me to take walks with her. We shall see if it happens, but it was nice of her to ask me. I am shy, so I would never be the one to ask.

It is nice to go to a party and know you did not say anything stupid. At least, nor because I drank too much, lol. I still might have said something stupid, but odds are much lower!

Good luck to everybody this weekend. For the last few weeks I have dreaded the weekends because that AV would tug harder than ever, come Friday afternoon. That seems to be waning a bit & most days are the same as the other (craving-wise), that's a nice feeling that I hope remains. I have turned my focus from trying to avoid drinking to enjoying being sober.

Regardless of a relapse, or a slip-up I think we have a good group that helps all who post or visit here. Thanks for that.

Hey guys... been out of town for a few days with the in-laws in town so I'm just getting back and getting caught up. Even with the slip ups I'm really glad no one has LEFT the group. Please stay strong and stay with us!

FMFT and Rocele... I'm going to try to follow your lead and start working out. The family and I did zip-lining yesterday and I'm so sore today I can barely dress/undress myself. About halfway down the mountain I was almost looked at the guy and just said... "I'm too old for this $h!t!"... Of course I'm not, I'm just too out of shape! No one told me I'd be having to lift my entire body weight with my arms for them to get me from one line to the other....

Sorry everyone has had such a rough week. No making excuses for anyone, but we did pick the absolute hardest time of the year to quit. Not that there is ever an "easy" time, but there are months where the number of temptations/parties/triggers may be significantly less. So kudos to everyone for the good work you've done and a quick swift kick in the kiester (with all the love in the world) for those who slipped. Don't let it happen again!! You have not been alone in being tempted and so stressed out that you just want to get sloppy drunk and forget the stress.

So what did I learn this week (which is STILL not over).... I learned that having my Mother-in-Law staying with me for 2 weeks is a HUGE flippin trigger. I love her, but OH MY GOD!! After two days of her here I was ready to climb the walls. You would think that having my favorite drinking buddy here (my Father in Law) would be a worse trigger, but no. That being said I think I'm starting to realize one of the reasons he and I both drank so much when we were together. LOL! One small example: We are driving back to Panama City today from a small mountain village of Boquete, it's about a 6-7 hour drive. On the way we stop at a large grocery/hardware store (same store we stopped at on the way over) and as we pull in she says "Do they sell stuff here?" Understand that you can see INSIDE the store from where we are parked. My snarky response was a simple 'No... they don't.' My son pulls me aside and says, "Mom... you should have told her it was a museum and all she could do was look." (wonder where he gets that wicked sense of humor from)

Second thing I learned is that anger is a huge trigger with me. I am learning that I am one of those odd self destructive people. The type that when I get mad at someone I will try to hurt myself to get back at them. Sound psycho and stupid? I completely agree...but I never admitted to being normal, and transparency seems to be curse...er...gift..yeah a gift. During our trip this weekend I got in a huge argument with hubby.... My first thought was, "If someone but a bottle of anything in front of me right now I would down the entire thing ....Just to spite him..." The thought went through my head and I was like.... Oh my goodness... I am bat-$h!t crazy." Then I realized that I've always drank when I was angry. It's my natural reaction. Of course doing some self reflection, the hurting myself when I am mad thing goes back to childhood. I would be angry with my Mom and bite myself or pull my hair out. I'm sure I could research the psychosis on that one. Any way, it was just interesting to SEE it for once and realize that it's one more thing I have to deal with.

The second thing I learned is that in the past I have started drinking again because people I loved said it was okay. Couple of examples. During college I realized I had a problem and had quit for a several months. I was really involved with a guy who also did not drink and knew that I had stopped. One night, he cooked a special dinner (which was interesting because he did the entire thing in his dorm room) and bought a bottle of wine. I knew I shouldn't, but that AV in me used it as justification to fall off the horse. That was in 1989, and I didn't get back on it until 2003. Was married by then and my husband knew I had quit. Our anniversary came around and he got us a room at a B&B with a bottle of champagne. Fell off completely.

In looking back on this I have made a pledge that I will no longer let the AV in my head let others make it okay for me to drink. Even if it means telling someone I love to take their bottle of wine and stick it where the sun doesn't shine (I probably wouldn't be that mean... but I might).

Lastly, regarding some of ya'lls AV telling you, "It should be okay to have just one." What you may not realize about me is that I was one of the most disciplined alcoholics ever. Disciplined in the fact that I could stop at 2 drinks each night. I did it out of sheer stubbornness and self preservation. I think if most alcoholics could manage that, they may never quit. This is the deal .... just because I was disciplined did not make me any less of an alcoholic. I quit because I was tired of NEEDING it every night, and it controlling my life. I hated that it took every fiber of my being not to kill the rest of the bottle and that it was a fight to stop at two. I hated that when I was drinking was the only time I felt normal. I hated that if I went to a non-drinking event I would have to have a glass of something before I went and then leave early to come home to get more. Even though I never hid my actual drinking from people.... I put a really REALLY good mask over a beast that was clawing constantly to be completely un-caged. I'm in process of killing my beast!

Sorry this is so long. Missed you gals and guys!

awesome post Sisterella - great to have you back :)

D

Good morning! It’s a rainy morning here in the Southern US. I am still going to bed very early – it was 8:30 last night. I read for awhile but usually go to sleep quickly. Lately, I have not taken anything to help me sleep so that is progress in the right direction. Unfortunately, our dogs want to get up at 5 a.m. because that’s when I have to get up during the week and this morning it was 4:30! Yikes, can’t they tell it’s the weekend? I guess not.

There were a lot of posts that I missed yesterday and I won’t respond to each, but I went back and read this thread from the beginning of November and the truth is that there are not many of us left who post regularly. And I only joined half way through November. I understand when someone slips because it’s a very fine line for me and I can almost always relate to whatever emotion or event triggered someone to drink. I am proud of those that come back to admit it and then move forward. There are many that have not come back. Nomis, I also understand your point and most of all, I want all of us to make it long term too and to stick together. Like others have said, this is a great group!

Sisterrella, that was a great post. I wish I could be as articulate with things I have learned. It’s good to have you back!

Dee, I love your 2013 avatar!

My sister-in-law and her boyfriend are coming tomorrow for New Year’s. I’m sure she is relieved I am not drinking because I was always trying to force her to join me. She lived with us for a few months after my mother-in-law passed in 2009 and I look back and wish I had handled her time with us differently. I was drinking daily and was focused too much on the alcohol and not on helping her getting through the loss of her mother. She is 15 years younger than my husband and lived with my MIL so she gave up her home and the life that she knew. One of her dogs came with her from England when she came to stay with us. When she went back, we kept him and it’s always so cute to see how he reacts when he sees her. She lives in London now and is doing really well. At least this time, I won’t be focused on drinking but on having a great visit.

My best to all of you,
Charlee
:Xmasda

Hiya Charlee, Sisterella & Dee

Today I feel ashamed like I used to when I drank and it's all totally innocent. My neighbour is old and in care and he keeps getting locked out. This morning my doorbell rang and it was the family over the road. He had thought the lady was his daughter and tried to get in their car. I am ill so I'm in my pyjamas and dressing gown. I answered the door and had to go into the road to get my neighbour, see him home safe and explain that I would call someone for him. It was noon and I looked and felt rough.

When I got my neighbour in his flat and called his carer, to explain he may need assistance, I suddenly felt exposed. Like I'd been caught out being lazy/hungover as I was still in my PJs. I didn't get a chance to explain that I was ill and they probably thought I was hungover.

I know I'm making a massive issue out of this but i couldn't ignore that my neighbour needed help to get back in his flat.

It's left me with a wired feeling that I can't explain!

I probably have a temperature as I feel so ill it's not funny!

Day 65. That should cheer me up!

S x

Good Morning, everyone, and Happy Saturday. This is an active board and lots of new posts every day. Hard to respond to all of them.
Rochele - regarding the lady asking you to walk with her - its because she truly wants to be in your company. She wouldn't have asked if she didn't mean it. So if you feel like walking - go ahead and call her. She might be looking for a friend. You never know. Don't wait for her to call you.
One of the reasons that I jumped on the chance to temporarily relocate for my job is that I am extremely lonely. I've tried to meet people on the Meetup, at work, at golf, etc. but can't seem to make anything "stick" for lack of a better word. I have always been the one to ask people to do things, but then no one ever calls. I have always said to people "hey, I walk on Saturdays around 2pm, if you want to join me, here's my number", but never hear. Then I will see them walking and they try to hide. So I finally decided it must "be me". My mom said it was always like this for me, even growing up. Not sure what the issue is, perhaps this is a good topic for me to discuss with a therapist! :-) But people hardly ever ask me to do anything, but when they do, I be sure to call them.
Anyway, just wanted to say that you should give her a call, she might really need the friendship.
Today is the last day of my vacation - heading to the airport in a little while. I am very proud of myself in that this was my first vacation in a very, very long time, that I did not drink. I honestly didn't think I could do it, despite the DUI and the "random" drug and alcohol test that awaits on my last day of outpatient rehab.
Someone asked me what I thought of the rehab and I don't think I responded. Well, I was very upset at having to do it - it is part of the mandate for the DUI. But, I have to say, I have learned a lot. There is all kinds of information on BAC, the odds of getting a second DUI, patterns of thinking about drinking again, etc. So its been good.
Well, I had better go pack and get ready to go back to the snow and ice.
Everyone have a good weekend.

So many things said this morning that resonate with me!

Sisterella, OMG!!! The drinking when angry thing. You are not so weird or alone. I do think it is rather common for people to be self-destructive when they are down or angry. I mean, look at all the mental illness things that are born out of anger or being hurt, and then people turn on themselves. Let's start with drinking to the point of self-destruction, bulimia and anorexia, cutting, and the ultimate, suicide.

Maybe because we want others to notice our pain, when all else has failed, in some twisted way? I know I drank out of resentment toward my dh. I remember exactly when, the time of my life. It was after having my ds, at a time when my husband traveled a lot. I resented him so much for ignoring me. And I bet I had postpartum depression as well. I had weaned my son, and no longer needed to police my drinking, and literally felt like, "F him. I am just going to get drunk, and he can put the kids to bed, do the clean up, etc...." I was angry that he did not pay attention to me, and just checked out.

How inviting was I? Way to get someone to want me, huh? Be an angry, sulking, lazy drunken bitch. Yeah, that has worked wonders for me.

And, Sisterella, I am that controlled drunk, usually, as well. yeah, I have the times when I had too much and a hangover, but I more often had the 2-3 glasses, and then the internal dialogue about stopping, yet wishing I could have more, etc...

Great post, sister.

Marine. Thank you! I am shy, so every friend I can recall in life has approached me! I can think of the decisive moment with each and every one! The approach and the conversation, and then we became friends! With a few, it was literally that I resembled another friend, lol. In college, that was how two of my best friends approached me. "You look just like my friend from HS or my sister(two different friends)" We chatted, hung out and became friends.

I am likable, I think. I do have friends. But I am terrible about taking a risk, reaching out. And if I get rejected I do not ask much for awhile. I do have a friend, and she is very busy, so I stopped trying. I think that maybe she really does not want to do anything with me. I tried to pin her down for a movie and she was never able to go. But, she is that way when we try to make plans for our daughters, too. And they are truly best friends. SO, i think, she is just flaky, and makes to many conflicting plans. yet, i take these sort of things personally and get shy and stop asking.

Anyway, thanks for saying all that in your post. i should call her. i do know her. She is the other "best friend" to one of mine. But she and I have never really clicked, or spent time together. we are neighbors, and she is down the road a bit of a distance, kids a bit older, and drop-dead gorgeous, lol. I feel frumpy, geeky, lol. I just felt we had nothing in common, and when my friend would invite her along, if we went out, it was always awkward. But, it could also be she is just a bit awkward herself. The old myth the attractive people are snobby or something. She seems hard to get to know, but it likely just shy like me.

She actually works in the health industry, notices that I have lost 50+pounds, and it makes her very excited to support me, I think. I should not over think things, lol.

I had been picked on by girls I assume she might be like, when I was a kid. Those old wounds really do carry through life with us, huh?

I will walk with her.

Thank you both for very good posts that touched me today.

Ro