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OLL, cONGRATS on 180 days!!!!! That's huuuuuuge!! Jeni, thanks for sharing about your family. It has to be hard to watch all of that but you are handling it so well. 2mags, welcome home friend Hitrock, FP, loving your posts as always! Gearin up for thanksgiving here. Like so many I'm sure, the holidays are a freaky trigger for me. Working on playing the tape and looking at all he good that has happened in my life since sobering up |
I'm back. I haven't been sober but I'm not upset about it. By the end of semester I felt to much pressure to remain sober, work out, eat healthy and study that I just blew everything off and studied and partied instead. I made a promise to myself that I'm going to sober up after the semester is finished and now it is. I'm an alcoholic and I fully and completely recognise that now. Don't ask me what I'm going to do about treatment because I don't know yet. I know I need treatment but I can't afford a rehab or therapy and AA just seems so daunting and real. In good news I passed my subjects and I have the scores I need for entry into my undergrad for next year. |
I hope you find a way to get sober and stay that way Jane :) Congratulations on your success in your course. D |
Hi wehav-great to hear from you, I love your posts x SJD-I have often thought about you, and it's great that you are back and posting. As you can read you're not the only one who has struggled lately. I'm so pleased you're doing well with your studying and able to move forward at uni. I think while you are unsure of recovery methods maybe you should spend as much time as you can on SR. Not just on this thread, but in the newcomers section, on the 12 step and secular forums etc. Yes AA is real but this is a real problem and I just know I couldn't be doing it without every bit of support I can find. Just reading what is working for others can sometimes lead you away from old patterns of behaviour and give you inspiration for finding your own way. And it needn't cost a penny. Please hang around, we care about you lots and wish you well xxx |
Hey everyone, I was able to log in OK today, so maybe it was just a fluke. I'm hoping so. I do know I was using my correct passcode, though, so that is weird.... Doing well on day 39 of sobriety. 2Mags--You have no idea how happy I am to see you back. This is hard work, but it is worth it--I am a firm believer in that. Hope everyone has a great sober Sunday. It is cold and dreary here and the PERFECT weather for relaxing and being acceptably lazy. =) Lee |
Good morning, May boaters! WeHav, always good to hear from you. Jane, it's good to have you back! Congrats on doing well in your courses!! Jeni, great advice to Jane. I hope you're having a relaxing weekend. I hope all of you have a good day today. |
Good Morning All, Saskia - I can relate so well to trying to tackle too much at once and it is such a trigger situation for me. I start some cleaning project and then notice other things and start going off in tangents. I need to focus on one thing at a time. No wonder I can feel overwhelmed. I have to remind myself of "should" statements. Does this really need to be done right now? That helps me a good deal. Perhaps, you should focus on the exercise regime and let go of the dieting right now. For me, dieting and recovery are just too much. It puts me in a mindset of deprivation. I have every confidence that you will make it to 30 days:) 2Mags - Do you have a sober buddy that you can call if your tempted? An exit plan? I know for me at this point in my recovery - I don't want to be anywhere near alcohol. My husband's friend's girlfriend invited us to a pool hall. Apparently, she really wants to meet me. She lives in Florida and her boyfriend is moving to Florida. Their first date was in a pool hall. They both know I am in recovery. I told my husband there was no way I was going. I don't even like pool and there is no way I want to be around alcohol. I actually for a few seconds considered it (so as to not hurt her feelings), but recognized that was just madness. FP - I am so glad to hear that the tree situation resolved itself. We had a neighbor call us about a downed tree and help in removing it. Actually, it is his insurance company's responsibility. I'm always afraid to have bad relations with the neighbors because of my dogs. They bark a lot and the neighbors could get angry and call in a complaint! Jane - I think tackling sobriety, working out, eating healthy and studying is a tall order. Do you have reward mechanisms in place after studying hard? In 2004, I was off for a whole year and studying for my masters degree. I had to maintain a B or better average. I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself which was a huge trigger to drink to alleviate the stress. In hindsight, I could have set aside a number of hours to study, taken a break (warm bath, massage, shopping, yummy snack, good book, tv break, etc.) in an effort to relax. That would have made more sense that drinking myself silly and ending up sick and hungover the next day and being unable to study. I had a conversation with my sponsor on friday that really angered me. I had been unable to attend my thursday night service position because my husband had been working late. I suffer from panic attacks when driving which I now feel has turned into a phobia. My sponsor said that my husband couldn't always drive me nor could other people. She told me that attending one meeting a week would not keep me sober. I agreed with her. She told me to try and drive that evening. I was feeling exhausted and unwell due to the insomnia that I suffer from. I have told her before that my doctor told me not to drive when too tired. It is a huge factor in panic attacks. I told her that I was not about to drive when fatigued, with no cell phone and potentially being stranded on the side of road with no way to get back home in the cold and the dark. She told me I had to have greater faith. I told her that I prayed every day to God to help me please get to a meeting and to drive. She told me that wasn't good enough. I had to have faith and just drive. She told me that she only got four hours of sleep, had faith and went and took her nursing exam. Apparently, she needs very little sleep. I think she doesn't understand the nature of either insomnia or panic attacks. This conversation made me feel like dirt. The loss of my autonomy has been devastating and lowered my already low self esteem even further. I worked very hard on changing my thinking about this conversation. I do know that she cares very much about me and only wants the best for me. She is only human (aren't we all?) and cannot be expected to always say the perfect thing. I know she is coming from a place of love. Plus, I don't think she was having a really good day. This change in my thinking really helped me to let go of the anger and resentment. My plans for the day are to attend a meeting with my sponsor and then go out to dinner. Wishing everyone a relaxing sunday! |
Originally Posted by Soberjanedoe
(Post 3676080)
I'm back. I haven't been sober but I'm not upset about it. |
Tanja, that conversation with your sponsor would have upset me too. I realise how I can easily develop resentments that run deep. Even an 'off the cuff' comment that I know in my heart carries very little weight can lead to me turning it over for hours and over-analysing and building it up into something much greater and powerful than it was intended to be. So I feel your analysis of her coming from a place of love, not being perfect and perhaps having a bad day herself was so incredibly mature and inspiring to me. Thankyou xxx |
I am overwhelmed at the support y'all are showing me. Lee, you are the bomb and I so appreciate you. wehave, FP, Tanja, everyone, thank you so very much. Tanja--yes I do have a sober buddy I can call. I will call her today and tell her I'm back on the wagon and that she's back on duty. And Tanja--as a person who has suffered cripling panic attacks while driving, to the point where I had to pull over because I thought I was dying and had to call someone to come get me, please please please always put your personal safety first. Regardless of your faith, or anyone elses', we cannot predict how OTHER people drive (if they're drunk, drugged, tired, etc.), and if you're not feeling 100% confident in your ability to drive, then your reaction time/reaction may not be what it needs to be to keep you alive and in one piece. Have faith in yourself always, but know that there are plenty of turkeys on the road at all times who just don't care. |
Tanja, you are so wise! It sounds like, as you surmised, your sponsor is a good person but doesn't "get" panic attacks! There is no reason to feel bad about yourself when this happens. Although I think AA is a very good program and has helped many people, one of my issues with it is that, with the best of intentions, people who have been in AA sometimes think that what works for them is what is necessary for everyone. I've been told that one must attend meetings every day to become sober; that one isn't considered to be sober until they have worked through all 12 steps, etc. What a therapist told me is to "take what I want and leave the rest" with AA members opinions. I think that translates for me to "don't feel bad about myself when I don't agree with everything I hear". It doesn't do much good to try to explain a different point of view to someone who has strong, fixed opinions. Great that you were able to let go of the anger and resentment. That can be very hard to do! Btw, I'm not doing a strict diet - just doing what I need to in order to see where I can easily cut back. My motivation for doing this part of it now is to stay more aware of how alcohol calories and sugar add to the problem. I'm not overeating except for the alcohol and my egg-sized stomach really does limit the amount I can eat. The one way my gastric bypass limits alcohol is that with one or two glasses of wine, I'm asleep on the sofa. So it's fairly difficult for me to go too far overboard as far as quantity unless I really stretch it out over many hours. But I don't want to be craving that one glass of wine. I've been noticing that the cravings only seem to hit after I've spent time with people. It has become my way of destressing after that. My motivation problem stems from too many years spent fighting trauma aftermath and staying productive and very high functioning. With retirement, i suddenly don't need to keep fighting and that's such a relief. But fighting to stay sober is much harder now. I noticed that SMART has some stuff to help with motivation so I don't think it's hopeless! Sorry for the length of this!!! You all are so understanding, helpful, and most especially kind. I appreciate it more than I can express. |
Good morning, Mayans! I've not checked in since Friday morning...and I've missed a lot! Hope everyone is doing well. Victory last night: my husband drank a beer last night (he received a growler of local microbrew from his work on Friday) and I thought how nice it would be then just decided that no, I didn't want to drink. That was that. My mind was feeling pretty calm at the time, which helped. Friday night, we got into a big fight, which led to us sleeping in separate rooms. I was thinking about moving out. Yesterday morning, he woke up really early, came into my room and apologized for being so mean. There had been some things he was worried about but hadn't talked to me about. There has been some stuff on my mind that (as usual) I didn't want to tell him because I'm so conditioned to NOT share what I really think/feel/need. It was a great long talk. I told him that going into battle every day for work (I have worked as a prosecutor or civil litigator for the past 4 1/2 years) is killing me and I just don't care for the law as a whole and I'm pissed every day that I go to work and am pissed because I went to law school because that's what other people wanted me to do and I'm pissed because I;ve always been discouraged from following my heart. And a bunch more stuff (like one of the reasons people - ex bf and parents, specifically - wanted me to be a lawyer not a counselor was that I'd make more money which I really don't, as I've barely made more than a counselor would and I don't have benefits). The result is that I now feel confident about going back to school (part-time of course, because I need to work) to pursue what I have wanted to do all along (counseling). I haven't decided whether I will go for an MA in mental health/community counseling or an MSW, but I've been doing some research. At least I know that there is one person in my life who wants me to follow my heart and will support me in doing so. |
Lilac, so happy to hear you and your husband had a good long talk and are on the same page! And great that you decided to not have a drink Friday night :-) |
Sas- I can understand where you are coming from. From what you have shared with us all, I know you have worked long and hard to overcome some truly horrific experiences in your life. Your strength of character has helped you but it has taken time and energy. you are an inspiration to me. Your support to me both in your posts and in your private messages has also helped me more than you know. I realise that it is now doubly difficult to take on another challenge at this point. But this needs to be given as much priority as your previous ones. I will support you as much and as often as you need it. Staying sober is vital for us all. I'm thinking of you lots and here for you always my friend xxx Lilac-it sounds as though you have some really positive life changes coming up. I'm so happy for you that you can follow your dreams at last xxx |
Thanks, Jeni! You are right as you so often are! |
Heading off to bed shortly. Was hoping to hear from Em today, hoping things are ok with her. I would also like to hear from Deserto. I'm being very patient cowboy but there are limits to my tolerance. Roll call tomorrow! Goodnight all xxxx |
What a wonderful sober day 3! Been living in renovation h*ll for six years now, meaning we're living out of bedrooms only. No living room, dining room, skeletal (and cold) kitchen. Barely a bathroom. All non-bedrooms have been powertool/tablesaw/miter sawpaint/ladder/shopvac/etc. storage. Yes, we eat, socialize, watch tv, etc. in the bedroom. Today I decide it was ridiculous to have three rooms full of reno stuff, so I moved it ALL into one room and spent all day dragging furniture, rugs, lamps, plants, pillows, etc. into my brand new British Colonial living room. As we speak....I'm luxuriating on a COUCH piled high with silk/tasselled pillows, with my feet up on an OTTOMAN...there's an actual table I can put my coffee on that's also got a gigantic, fabulous faded old antique mirror propped up on it and two rockin' Rococo lamps. I feel so human! WOW!!! Man is it nice to have a room (somewhat) done!!!!! If anyone leaves ONE dirty sock in here...ONE bookbag....ONE McDonald's cup...ONE pile of camping gear...it's curtains for them. This feels SO good...and I never in a million years would have ever considered it if I had had "just one" drink last night! Sorry to go on and on about myself...I just had to check in. As always, thanks for listening. |
Not everything in my life is a drama and I do not need to be dramatic about it. |
Oh man SJD! Over half of the times I drank, I acted like I was in the climax of my own lifetime movie. Could have won an Oscar! I dunno why drinking always made me feel like everything was so dramatic and life changing and every time it was like I was at such a pivotal moment. I was really just an annoying mess. Life stops being so dramatic after being sober for awhile. I like the lack of drastic highs and lows now. It's not consistently like monotone one level but I have put my acting career behind me. Hope you are getting back on track. Big hugs. Feel free to talk more about what's going on with you. |
2mags I can appreciate your delight at sitting in a room with functional furniture!! And how the lack if it is enough to go batty. We bought a house a few months ago and have been project-crazy. I despise piles of tools every direction I look, dust on every horizontal surface, and screws and wires and twist ties in every nook and cranny. But still coming along. Good for you for taking the bull by the horns and setting up your little spot of serenity. Add it to your gratitude list. :) |
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