Yeah that sucks BF. My memory of how horrible quitting was is yet another reason that I am NEVER going back.... Oh yeah, THAT, and the fact that it was RUINING my LIFE and HIDING that fact from me!

Luckily you know the one way out and iT bRings freedom to you and protects you from going through it all again FOREVER.

Do you know what kind of thinking got you starting down the drinking road for the last week.or so? Did something distract you? Were you bored with school out? I only ask so.that whatever it was you can take steps to close that route down next time. And do something different.

I can't get over how sick I felt as a divided self when drinking. I lived in constant disappointment and shame. I can't get over how spiritually whole I feel.now,.not.having two.masters inside me. I cannot serve two masters anymore. it really almost severed me. It makes me sad to think about it. I have tears in my eyes just writing about it. Living.in shame and secret, and thinking there was no choice in the matter.. That was no existence at all.

I feel so happy that I complete my 60th day on Easter. Plus.i get to start using the Easter Smilies as of now!!!
:egg21:

Hey BoozeFree, about time you turned up! Don't beat yourself up, it's not worth it! The MAIN thing is that you've stopped and that you're back on SR. Once you finish detoxing you might want to think about how you went astray, and what you're going to do differently this time. You've been missed!

Welcome meonthemend! Glad you're here. Only peice of advice I can offer is to Relax. It's still early days for all of us. Are you currently in any recovery programs? I find AA works for me. Again , welcome.

Have to get ready for my big first date with Frankie the EmCo...will post later.

Stay strong fellow Febbers!

BF- I agree with JD, don't beat yourself up, you are back on track and that is all that is important. You will feel better, when I had my last relapse, last week I didn't have much of a hangover phsically, because I didn't go off to a whole binge, but emotionally and my self confidence went to a collapse, I didn't want to go to work, I wanted to isolate big time. After a good cry I made it through the day and am now feeling alot better. I didn't even want to continue on SR, I was so embarassed and disappointed in myself. But that is what this is for unconditional support.

EQ- I agree on looking back on how I was feeling every day when I was in full blown drinking mode, I can not go back to that way of living, and my Allen Carr book arrived today!!

JD- Have a great day.

Everyone have a great sober day!!:You_Rock_

Oh, good, Faustina, hope you like the book. He's not the best writer, kind of circumstantial and repetitive but I think that is used as part of what draws you into his thinking.

Since reading that book, I still have not craved alcohol once. It is painful to be near it still, (but that is because it reminds me of the pain and sadness I had when drinking) and, I often struggle with how to deal, or I avoid or use my timeworn tactics, but picking up is never even an option for me no matter how scared I get. And I get scared. I am scared today.

But somehow I finished that book, and that battle of "Can I, will I, no you can't, well maybe after a few months, but I am deprived" vanished.

When you dont want the stuff near you, the battle of wills is gone. It is still uphill after that, but at least all of me climbs together.

Oh, good, Faustina, hope you like the book. He's not the best writer, kind of circumstantial and repetitive but I think that is used as part of what draws you into his thinking.

Since reading that book, I still have not craved alcohol once. It is painful to be near it still, (but that is because it reminds me of the pain and sadness I had when drinking) and, I often struggle with how to deal, or I avoid or use my timeworn tactics, but picking up is never even an option for me no matter how scared I get. And I get scared. I am scared today.

But somehow I finished that book, and that battle of "Can I, will I, no you can't, well maybe after a few months, but I am deprived" vanished.

When you dont want the stuff near you, the battle of wills is gone. It is still uphill after that, but at least all of me climbs together.

congrats on your two months Johnny - and your imminent 60 days EQ :)
D

Thanks, Dee, and now I get to use another Easter Smiley: :bunny6:

Congratulations indeed on 60 days, Johnny and EQ! Two months!

MeOnTheMend- Congrats to you too. And it sounds like some support for you is in order- as I've found, willpower can only take you so far. AA might be worth a shot. And maybe finding something to take your mind off alcohol. That's something I've been working on myself.

Booze Free- Congratulations on giving sobriety another go! Hang in there. It WILL get better.

faustina- Step 4 seems to be a real hurdle for a lot of people! Maybe just go into it telling yourself you'll do what you can- if it gets too hard you can back off a little. One step at a time!

I went to the dr. today for some bloodwork and general work up. I'm actually (whatever this says about me) hoping they'll find a clear-cut reason for my symptoms- something that can be treated that is! But, while what I have does feel like there's a physical reason behind it, I know there's a possibility they'll find nothing. I know working on my mental health would be very worthwhile, and that treating my brain could help relieve my physical symptoms. We'll see. I'm going for test results on Friday.

best of luck olympia :)

D

Good Morning All,
Back to work after being off sick. Been pretty emotional this week. It has got to be because it is first Easter with Mom gone. I was emotional week of Valentines day, and week of her birthday, (and i don't cry about her with great frequency otherwise anymore, at least not daily except for these holiday weeks) so Easter is all i can guess it is. That and being sick. Everyone says the first year is like this but it is pretty weird how our body knows to grieve at holidays before it even registers with our heads as to why.

Well, it is a shame, too, because I love holidays and so did she. We both liked to make them special for others. I made home made ice cream.last night for the first time. (Odd as it seems, this is on my bucket list). It turned out yummy. I am going to make a variety of flavors/ colors to serve in egg shapes for Easter dessert. Which leads nicely into another.....
Easter Smiley!
:egg13::egg13:

EQ...you truly are a 'smiley face freak" which is one of MANY reasons why I like you so much.

Olympia...hang in there. I know what you mean by wanting a physical malady. It's more tangable. Currently I'm going through a sort of trial and error stage with my own doc...so far, so good. Do you have a good, open relationship with your doc as I do with mine? Hope so...all the best.

Had my meeting with Frankie yesterday (Employment Placement Manager). it went well. As it turns out, he owned his own biz (woodworking) and still knows people in the industry. He's also in recovery. With any luck, suitable employment will 'fall into my lap'. I see him again next tuesday. Was really tempted yesterday to drink, but didn't. Gave it enough thought and played it through till the end, which would have been pig drinking 24/7. The fun of 'just one night' was outweighed by reality. Feeling good today.

Stay strong everyone, JD.

Olympia: Good work getting checked out. I admire that. I am awful at following through with that stuff. Let us know the word.


JD: :bunny8:



Everyone else: Hope you are hanging in there!

Dee: that avatar is hilarious!! Thanks for the laugh!

:c031:

D

Hey all! Thanks for the kind words.

Johnny- I saw someone I've never seen before, and liked her a lot. I was able to be a lot more open with her than I'd been with my previous provider- another positive step. I feel like I'm less interested in putting on a face, like it's now or never. I guess, I just feel less infallible now; I am turning 40 this year and have been taking crappy care of myself for a long, long time. I just need to get things done.

Had kind of an interesting dilemma this evening. Was plating my dinner: salmon patty, greens, and grilled sweet potatoes, all of it served alongside barbecue sauce for dipping. After I had everything plated up, my SO pointed out that the barbecue sauce was made with Guinness beer. At that point, I hesitated, wondering if I shouldn't eat the sauce. Seems silly? I ate that same barbecue sauce a few days ago, not knowing it was made with Guinness, not tasting any alcohol, not feeling any, which makes perfect sense, being that even if there was any alcohol left in the sauce after the cooking process, it would be incredibly miniscule in the couple tablespoons I ate. I decided to eat the sauce tonight. The way I see it, I don't need to be obsessively nitpicky about tiny amounts of alcohol- it gives me too much of a perfection mindset to think I should, say, avoid using the vanilla extract I have on hand for cooking. And I'm still using my alcohol-based mouthwash. Any thoughts on this?

Hope everyone's having/has had a good Wednesday!

It's an individual thing I think and we all have to work out where we stand, Olympia :)

I was pretty nonchalant in my early days with food too - but once I really started to value my sobriety, I changed my opinion and I try hard not to knowingly eat anything made with alcohol, or with alcohol in it etc. these days.

I know from experience, I'm very good at playing mind games with myself - I just prefer to take the grey areas out of the picture as much as possible :)

D

Dee- Yeah, I'm wary of the mind games- I'm quite the genius at playing those with myself too!

It may seem seriously stupid, but I hate to waste stuff, and not eating/throwing out things because they contain miniscule amounts of alcohol (or, in the case of the mouthwash, that I don't swallow) bothers me perhaps more than it should. I don't intend to buy any more products containing alcohol, though.

Oh I hate waste too - I've been known to keep things I hate in the fridge or pantry rather than throw them out...then I met my wife LOL

<re-educated lol

D

O - I've tried sugar coating stuff with my Dr in the past and I only wind up delaying the inevitable. I'm glad your comfortable with your new provider. As for Alcohol in food stuffs, if I know something contains it, I won't purchase. If I find out after...oh well. As you said with all the processing, minute amounts left in product. I am however very conscience about over-the-counter meds. An AA friend of mine had an ugly, prolonged relapse that started with liquid cold medicine. That's definatly not for me!

Later, Gators...

Hi All,

Im off to a spa day with my daughter. Its a Christmas gift from.me that we planned months ago. But it is two hours from me so.gotta.hustle.

I worked on something last.night that has been hanging over my head for a year. It was more from my self sabotage list. I forced myself to face it. Shame is such a powerless monster. I have to keep reminding myself that it is the Emperor.s new clothes.

Ive avoided food in restaurants so far that might remind me of alcohol by taste, ( like steak with a wine sauce) out of fear that the taste would trigger me. Also Johnny you reminded me that six or seven years ago i once chugged some cough stuff ( to help me sleep and for the taste ) when i was out of alcohol in the house. I wasnt even sick!!! I conveniently repressed that little piece of degeneracy. I will have to be careful.

Well good luck everyone. So glad i have you to turn to!

In parting, JD, this one is for you: :egg25: