Class of June 2011 Part 10
 

continued from here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-9-a-21.html

D

Just reading The Art Of Happiness. In the book the Dalai Lama speaks of the difference between pleasure and happiness. How pleasure is a fleeting and impermanent thing whereas happiness is something much more substantial and lasting. Happiness and not pleasure is the holy grail that we all seek or should be seeking.

On the topic of pleasures such as alcohol he notes how most people have a hard time "just saying no" - because of that word "no". The implication is that we are denying ourselves something...missing out on something. This is a problem of perspective he says...we shouldn't look at it as self denial. We should reframe our perspective so that we see not having that drink as moving towards the single greatest thing that any of us can hope to achieve in this life...happiness.

How powerful a statement is that?

I really liked it so I thought I should share. Hopefully I have done it justice here. I'll maybe take the time to post the actual passage when I'm not on my iPad.

Sleep beckons. Good night all.

Awesome TP. I think that goes hand-in-hand with a lot of what Mariano has been telling us as well. Words to live by.

Time to work - one more late night this week, and hopefully back to normal (what is that?).

Hugs and love and sober dreams!

TP that is great. When we don't drink, we can be in battle with the AV. The AV commands our attention, we are still having a relationship with alcohol. It is a battle and the only question is who will win.............this time. We are explaining what is happening in our lives as the absence of something we once held dear.

The alternative is to embrace sobriety completely, but think about this. What is the difference between embracing a sober life and just embracing LIFE in all it's totality not just the parts we find pleasing to us. To do this we have to be willing to learn.

Unlike Streams hurdles I imagine this as jumping out the alcohol party plane without a parachute and not knowing what is going to happen. I am in freefall. I now know I will not hit the ground and I can learn how to fly.

Happy Friday classmates!! The weekend is upon us once again. I hope everyone stays safe out there! Today is Day #112.

Man, I just realized I have almost wrapped up my first sober summer in nearly a decade.
:)

Leo - good for you! Treat yourself to something you love! You deserve it!

Classical - I was reading about you being torn. That is where I think I keep finding myself. The idea of not drinking ever again, for special occasions and all....it almosts horrifies me. But, what's funny, is like yourself and many of us, as we "get through" these occasions, at the end of them, we find ourselves saying "what a wonderful time". Versus, "I love you Man". Or even if there are some tensions there for whatever reason, you are glad you were able to get over the trigger that tempted you to drink. We truly do not need alcohol to celebrate - at all! Seeing others drink doesn't seem to bother me, more than just my own mind saying "oh I love this song and I'm so happy, I'd love a drink". It's me that makes me want to drink. So, I have to get myself through those moments. And when I do, I'm thrilled I did it again. It's very liberating.

With the new Grandbaby, I've been wanting to celebrate by having cocktails. So many of our good friends have said "stop by Grandpa and Grandma and we'll buy you a drink". It's a nice offer, and they mean well, and I'd love to, but I will have a soda, thank you. I have to.

We are truly struggling with that same concept of not ever drinking again. But, we have to keep reminding each other, it's okay. Life is beautiful without it!!!

We have a major pig roast bash tomorrow we are going to. We will see lots of people that my hubby went to school with, worked with, and just knows from living in a small town his whole life. In fact, over 30 years ago, this is the guy he used to milk cows for. Any way....so there will be lots of people that want to celebrate his latest event of becoming a Grandpa. And we will be abstaining from alcohol. This type of event is one I would drink at to loosen up more than anything. I'm a social person, but I still get uncomfortable to a certain degree. Alcohol would so-call help. But, tomorrow, I am who I am. Buelah!!!!! Sober Buelah! And I have to remember, I'm okay with this. Classical - you will be, too!

Instant - wonderful post - embracing life in its entirety. It does take effort and you are right - a willingness to learn. Great post. Is one I will put in my memory permanently.

Well, no canning today! Hooray!

The weekend is upon us again - enjoy sobriety to the fullest.

Hugs and love!

TP, Instant, Classical and Leo - Thanks for those posts. Individually and collectively you have brought my spirits up and managed to stiffen my resolve for the week end. I have been feeling exceptionally weak and will need that resolve, I'm sure.

I have been ask to display my boat at the end of season celebration at the yacht club tommorrow. A lot of historical vessels from the Great lakes will be there. I have been mulling it over all week and finally committed yesterday. My wife and I have discussed it at length. I am going to set up an hour before the festivities start and then leave my boat in the capable hands of my boat building mentor and good friend. I have not been sailing or out to the club (OK, twice I drove by) this summer and know a lot of well meaning folk will want to buy me a drink. I have poured a summers worth of Wednesday's (and a considerable amount of Saturdays and Sundays) into the project and, although not 100% completed, Day Tripper has developed into a real beauty. I would really like to be there but it just isn't a very good idea for me right now.

Buelah - Just read your post and am adding you to the "Thanks for helping my resolve" list. I certainly admire your strength.

Streamwader - would you mind posting a picture of your vessel? We'd love to see your hard work! Glad your spirits are up, and glad the gang was able to do it for you. It just shows how much we need to be here.

You know I do believe it doesn't matter if we've led sober lives or the ones we have, but these moods are always there. Whether, anxiety, depression, frustration, sadness....they all surface no matter what. But, with being alcoholics, it seems to intensify those feelings at times. It seems like an added burden at the time. But, it's not, it actually is what makes us stronger in the long run.

I will take a photo tomorrow and post. Currently there are a few photos in my photo album of the work as it was in progress.

I've found that hiding myself from all these events will only make me more irritable and annoyed. I have to face these events one at a time. Just like the sober days. One at a time. Each one I go to, and have a great time sober, I leave saying "I'm so glad I went". You almost feel like you made this great achievement by not drinking, and honesly you have. It can be difficult - but it's finding pride in the fact that you are not drinking. Not holding it against those that are (if we did, we would have no friends, and we truly have some wonderful friends that love to drink). And letting yourself enjoy the time being around friends and family that fortunately, do not suffer the same addiction. And if they do, you hope they can find in themselves the need to change. But you have to go into it thinking that way. You can't think "Uggghhhh...every one will want to buy me a drink or get me a drink." Yep, they will, and you will politely decline, and if they give you sh*t as guys can do...you will deal with it. Trust me...you will. My hubby has had to deal with that more with not drinking than me, because people honestly did not realize how badly I was drinking. Whereas if you saw my hubby, there was a beer in his hand. Most of his buddies are cool with it, but the non-true friends are the ones giving him chin music. So, honestly, who cares - they aren't his true friends, just acquaintances. I too am a little apprehensive about this pig roast....but I'm thinking as positive as I can!!

Enjoy displaying your boat -you should be proud!!!

I will take a peek in your album.

Well. Depressed doesn't even really cover it with me right now. TP. I want to achieve that kind of happiness so badly. I'm still sober after my last slip. Have no withdrawl feelings. I just want to hide under a rock. B is being pissy because I don't want to be his friend and all chummy with him right now. Telling me how I was the screw up in the relationship. I don't even want to talk about the damn relationship anymore. Its exhausting. Whatever I say holds no ground with him. I just keep my mouth shut. He knows I'm feeling sh*tty yet insists on cutting me down anyway. I just don't get it.

So. I'm feeling low. I've started walking. I think I went about 7 miles last night. I just want to hide under the covers. Had to fight with the AV last night. prob will have to again tonight.


Oh and stream looked at your boat! nice paint job!

Hey Blackbird - hang in there. Being in a rough relationship is just that exhausting - wears you down and beats you up mentally. Remember I told you my ex- threatened to kill himself if I divorced him? I still had to make that move. I thought, yep that sums you up right there. You are going to hold a knife to my neck to the very end. I wouldn't allow it. I knew if he did do something so extreme than I had to remind myself it was not because of me. But, I knew it was his scare tactic. And it didn't work. I continued my move. And have never looked back since. Low and behold...he didn't kill himself. And if I stayed in that relationship with a threat like that, I would be living in hell right now.

Don't allow his negative words bring you down - it's what he's after. Shame on him. Rise above it. It will make you stronger. Trust me.

I've been thinking about you and hoping you were okay. I wish I could give you a big hug as it sounds like that is what you need.

Oh my gosh, Streamwader - YOUR SAILBOAT IS MAGNIFICENT!!! I'm going to ask lots of questions. What year is it? How long have you had it? How long have you been sailing? And as you finish this, will you plan on brining it into the local harbors around Michigan when they have their antique boat shows (I'm assuming it's an antique)? You have to stand back and be proud of what you've done. And yes....I believe it was Bratnik sometime back made a comment about your smile. I love it! Your smile says it all. You are genuine, have a lot to offer others, and love with all your heart.

Sorry, I just wanted to stress how tricky the mind can be.

Melatonin has worked very well for me, and it is very, very safe (no side effects).

Congratulations, Leo on day 112. How are you doing in the tobacco department?
This has been my first sober summer in all my adult life.

Strength comes from weakness, just like as an adult comes from a child.
Your boat is magnificent and your daughters look very, very nice.

Buelah, I would encourage you to learn spanish if you are interested in it. In Spain the language is virtually the same as in Mexico. It is like british english and american english: they are very similar. Learning is very rewarding and may be very useful in maintaining sobriety. I am learning now Economics and find it very rewarding. As I don't drink now, I have much more time to do interesting things, instead of being drunk.

Sorry for being such a bore… I keep repeating the same thing. For an alcoholic, sobriety is not a loss, but a gain. And viceversa, alcohol is not something valuable that you lose, but a prison that limits your liberty. When was the last time that you woke up and thought: “Oh, how happy I am for having drunk yesterday. It was wonderful”.

The addictive brain is tricky and deceptive. This is related with the addiction mechanism and our primary or limbic brain. This limbic brain is responsible of regulating the basic instincts and drives: food, water, sleep… Alcohol and other drugs interfere in the functioning of the limbic brain, estimulating overflows of dopamine. So the limbic brain is deceived into considering that alcohol, as it liberates dopamine, is as important for life as food, water and rest. So it claims for alcohol (craving) with the same power and strength as it claims for food. Have you ever thought why it is so difficult to starve yourself deliberately? The limbic brain would not allow this, craving for food with all his energy.

This very same mechanism is implied in alcohol craving, as the brain has been deceived by a sustance (alcohol) that mimics the behaviour of the reward systems (dopamine). But the good news are that this is false. If you don’t drink, nothing happens. So if you don´t give up to a craving, the brain begins to learn something: alcohol is not necessary for living.

Moreover, our primary brain claims and whines with such strenght that forces the “rational” brain to fabricate a justification. This is called “rationalization”, that is, fabricating an idea that may seem acceptable and may justify drinking. That is why our rational mind elaborates weird justifications to drinking, despite the resolve to abstain from alcohol: “One won’t hurt”; “This is a very special celebration”; “everybody drinks”; “it is not such a big deal”….

Our brain also tries to allocate “magical” qualities to alcohol. We tend to think that not drinking will be a huge loss, that there will be no fun, that a bash without drinking is a nonsense… Obviously, all this is false, but it doesn’t matter. It pursues the goal to induce drinking, to convince ourselves that drinking is very important. This is also a “rationalization” of a basic drive: craving of alcohol. This rationalization makes alcohol consumption more acceptable to our rational brain: “Well, one will not hurt; this is a very special occassion”. Ha, ha, ha… The same lie lives forever. And, surprisingly, we keep believing this lie.

The way to escape of this vicious circle is teaching repeteadly to our brain that alcohol craving is not important, unlike food craving. It is very useful also to repeat to ourselves the resolution to abstain from alcohol, the reasons for it and the mechanism that the limbic brain uses to try to deceive us and lead us to drink. So this is the stupid mechanism that we have to dismantle.

Blackbirdfly, I am sorry you are having a hard time. All of us deserve happiness. I don’t know where is the secret of your happiness, but I do know that if you drink, you will never achieve it. I am sorry, but I have no further advice for you: only not drink, please. I think you are one of the younger of this group. If you stop now, you will spare many years of misery. You will be able to begin to search your happiness. Take care.

Mariano - repeating yourself in different ways does not require an apology, it's beating up our alcoholic brain and that is good. I agree whoeheartedly. It does get better. And you are right. When I was throwing up and my sister-in-law was holding back my hair, I would sarcastically say "boy is this fun". The next day I would want to crawl in a hole. I don't miss it at all. My repetitive voice of I CAN DO THIS will have to continue to get stronger. And with your words ane every body's words here, it is that much easier.

Amazing how alcohol can control such a large portion of our brain....and we have no idea that it's happening along the way.

Well, have to go pick up dog poop - jealous aren't you?? 4 dogs...need I say more?

@mariano~~ i stopped the cigs the same time i stopped drinking. figured I would just kill two birds with one stone. Soooo 112 days nicotine AND booze free!! I feel so fresh and clean!! hahaha!! :wild

I miss four persons: Sweetnovember, Violet , Chimp and DTracy. Where are you ? Come back, please.

Leo - you just make me smile!!!! What a great accomplishment!!

A friend of mine said "you make it look so easy". Yeah, well don't judge a book by the cover! I told her it was what's inside that tortured me, what people can't see. :)

Stream I love your boat. I am sure it will inspire others at the club. Your comments about not going got me thinking about what alcohol has cost me. Yes I have had fun, it has helped me relax etc. I have got to a stage where being in a social situations with alcohol can be a difficulty because alcohol can start calling the shots. To me this all comes back to the first three of the 12 steps.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him

I have spent, I was going to say most but in truth all of my adult life in an ambivalent relationship with alcohol. For the majority of that time it was great fun but that ended a long time ago. I have to thank Neil Sedaka for informing me that Breaking up is Hard to do. He is right.

My wife drinks, she is normal. For her this means a glass or two of wine once or twice a week, at most. We have been married over 20 years..........get this...............I have never seen her intoxicated. This happens because she stops when when the buzz hits. She does not like the feeling of the buzz....... that is normal.

I have always liked the buzz. I have always wanted to keep it going, or push it up a notch. I would still like the buzz if I drank.

As you all know I do not go to AA however I have come to the realisation that for me there is something important in what those three steps are about. I think they lead to a place where Mariano is.

Instant - you have such kind words to say to all of us. I have to start looking into the 12 steps, because even though my outlook is positive, I'm still having my moments where I just want to scream. I know it can be normal, but I would love for that to go away for good. I hope it does some day!

And your wife....oh how all of us wish we could be like that. I've always felt wine is meant to be enjoyed and appreciated (I'm not a wine drinker). I know if I got into wine, I'd get into the whole bottle to find that buzz and keep it. Maybe when I'm a little old lady I will love a glass of wine and laugh about these days, and think "what the hell was I thinking?". 20 years - that's super. Many more to come.

Hugs to you!

Beulah shouldn't you be in bed? It' s 8am here on Saturday morning. I am sitting on the deck with a cup of tea !!

Regarding my wife I do not think people like us can ever be people like them. It's biological. I think it is like believing that if we wanted it enough or tried hard enough or were "good" enough we could change the shape of our eyes. Most of us here have tried to alter our behaviour and not been satisfied with the results (unmanageable).

I believe that I am hard wired to enjoy the buzz (powerlessness). This capacity is linked to the tendency to develop cravings once drinking has started (powerlessness). The cravings have "mindsets" associated with them that promote drinking and undermine abstinence. These things are beyond my control. I can fight the AV but I cannot shut him up at will.

I honestly do not want to be like my wife with regard to drinking. This is what is wrong with me, that has led me to my life being unmanageable. The thing is still there but hasn't been fed for so long either by me fantasising or using he has grown weak.

He is however stalking me like a tiger in the jungle. Hand me my pith helmet, and I will shoot the beast onsight !!

Hi friends. More great posts thank you all so much.

Im feeling sort of quiet and peaceful. Happy to say that I felt ok all day today - its such a relief to feel "normal" or, well, just not ill or wierd. If this continues I feel I will be very very happy soon. Just to wake up having a decent amount of energy and feel able to tackle whatever comes along will do me fine. Im almost reluctant to say it in case its not happening but I am feeling that the depression is lifting at last.

Whilst I was feeling really rotten with the depression, my life seemed as unmanageable as it was when I was drinking, however I still did not drink nor, amazingly, did I want to. Now (hopefully) im through it I cant imagine wanting to drink again and go back through choice to being in that state. I am under no illusion that I can have one or two drinks and get away with it, nor would there be any point in that. I can only put this down to the fact that I spent a number of weeks working on the first 3 steps which Instant listed above - the acceptance steps. I wouldnt have been able to do this as thoroughly without the guidance of my sponsor. Its all in the big book but its not stuff I would have got by just reading it.

Pumpkin, I am so happy to hear this good news. I was confident Prozac will eventually lift your depression. I hope and think that in the next few days you will be improving further and begin to feel great. At least, that was what happened to me. Congratulations for your patience.

I think Instant made a good point about "Buzz". Yes, we alcoholics like that buzz. That makes the difference with normal drinkers, who don't seek that buzz.

I am 155 days sober now and 75 days without tobacco. I believe that eventually the withdrawal syndrom of tobacco is going away, so I feel wonderful.

I have drunk during all my adult life (and now I am 46). Previously, the longest period I have had was 10-15 days without alcohol. During the last five or six years I attempted weekly to quit drinking, without success. I was not a daily drinker. I am shocked of how I have improved physically, psychologically, mentally, emotionally… Really shocked, believe me. Sobriety is now the most precious gift I have, my most prized jewel. I cannot describe with words this wonderful gift, and even less in English.

An amazing new world, full of luminous beauty, is appearing before my astonished eyes.

I know that nobody learns from the experience of others, but I would wish to shout to everybody –in particular to those suffering difficulties—that this journey is worthwhile. In only a few months, life will change dramatically. Depression will be replaced by happiness, fear by peace, anger by love, darkness by light… At least, that is my experience.

Living sober, can you imagine? No more hangovers, no more remorse and guilt, no more cravings. Freedom.

This new life is awaiting for everybody, only a few months ahead. I am thinking in particular in those who are suffering a hard time, and in those who no longer post here: Chimp, Sweetnovember, DTracy, Violet… Are you OK? If you are suffering, let us know.

In only a few months, the miracle can happen… It is worthwhile, believe me. And I will tell a secret: I found that being sober is easier than I imagined. If I’d know that 15 years ago…

Please, don’t yearn drinking: for alcoholics the true gift is sobriety. Don’t be deceived by the false promises of alcohol. We know alcohol is a liar, and a killer as well.

I "should" be getting on with my day. I am going to paint the bathroom and room that is attached to my workshop. I have it all cleared and prepped up. I am thinking about this discussion, and wanted to chime in again. The big book refers to the "obsession" with drinking, which at times I have equated with craving and at other times what I think of as "the struggle". The struggle is worse than the direct effects of drinking. It is the times we are wresting with Dee's bear, or me plotting and planning to trap and tame the tiger. It used to take up a large part of my day and consisted of thinking to get the best out of my drinking experience, and plan my survival and getting it right..............eg like

should I or shouldn't I
Can I or can't I
what if I only
what if
what else can I try
why can't I just

All associated with the soothing licks of the tiger- you're not like the others, You're not that bad, we can make it work, remember the good times, you like it, it's OK etc etc

Once I accepted that this torment will never change (not next week, not next year, not in 20 years ie never , no matter what I do (unmanageable), and no matter how much I want it to, or how clever or intelligent or high functioning I am.........then the path to freedom is in front of me and I find I am relieved of suffering.

Instant....ha, ha...no, not in bed. It's only 8:34 p.m. here in Michigan.

Have a wonderful night every one.

I know I sound like a broken record. I'm sad. I drank. I'm sorry. I'm sad. I drank. I'm sorry. I'm sad. I drank. I'm sorry. :explode