Pumpkin i've never experienced the AA process. I think it's awesome that it's helped so many as much as it has. I've always seen you as someone with a strong sense of empathy for others. I always thought that to be a characteristic of a spiritual nature. And I know what you mean about not seeing another human being aside from through your window. That's every other weekend for me.

I'm not back to work full time yet, but when I am working my day is busy with people and tasks and surprises. It's non-stop. Then i have a breezy five minute ride home and walk into my apartment and proceed to spend the rest of the evening alone. Like SN, it is hard to unwind. But, now i'm wondering if i should just say 'ahhh, peace. ... Quiet'. The alternative has been hanging around after work and partying to avoid coming home alone. I think my time off work from surgery this summer has helped me to handle being alone better. But i will admit that i may have to psych myself up to battle the party monster. The other night when i was feeling that horrid regret, i was thinking 'i need a reminder. I need a reminder.' And i thought of pasting Marino's avatar to the face of a watch. I would say 99% of the time i am fine. But there are times i really need the !battle-cry!. I have also been in a safe little isolation here at home the last six weeks, and i may be in for a rude awaking when i return to work in the next couple of weeks.

Classical, it's no wonder you have a love for Beethovan. I didn't realize you had achieved such a level of musical ability inspite of a hearing disability. My old brother in law was diagnosed with that too. That's the disease that makes you dizzy too, isn't it? I remember he had to be careful with certain activities like riding.

Btw, i had to laugh about the cat sneeze PS. Yesterday i was at work dressed up a bit to accompany our new account manager on sales cold calls. I was waiting in the shop to head out when of my coworker's pups nuzzled up to my leg and peed on my sandled foot. :a122:

Wow - 3 pages of posts.

I have retreated, as did Stream - publicly relapsed - and not part of the sober party anymore. I love you all for celebrating!!! It wasn't fun for me - and I felt that the forum was all about celebration and joy - and while that is great, I couldn't contribute. Honestly, I am sad. I don't long to drink, I just don't celebrate that I don't anymore.

I love you guys and we are here together for the long haul. Guys, you can always PM me if you feel sad. xo

wow. I haven't logged on for 12 hours and there is 45 minutes worth of reading when I come back.

Please Stream, do not feel bad about posting less than positive thoughts. You do not come off as a jerk to me! I sometimes regret that I post the trials of my life... but then these are the types of things that send me running to alcohol. It is not easy for me either. Feel free to post the negative and we will be here for you, just as you have been here for us.

Pumpkin - lol @ your cat. Typical cat thing to do. I have no idea about the God question... This is something that holds me back from joining AA. I have never been religious. I don’t know If I want to start now... but then again... perhaps this is the "something more" that we have been longing for. It sounds dumb or crazy but does paganism count? crazy because for me its easier to believe in witchcraft than good 'ol JC. (No malice meant to Christians or Christianity)



The discussion above ...

Which came first the alcoholic or the alcohol?

Do we drink because we are unhappy? Or are we unhappy because we drink?

Irregardless there is one solution..... Find some happiness.

but where, how, when?

BB - I know how you feel! I can't keep up with our crazy wonderful posts! I am still super sober today but had an awful day yesterday. My nanny quit after almost 3 years with us and I feel like I'm going through a break up! Weird. I just wasn't ready for the change with everything else going on in my life right now. I wanted a drink last night but resisted. I thought about how bloated my face would look in the morning and how I would feel worse about the day. I'm so glad I went to bed although it has been tossing and turning all week. My hubby did have 1 shot last night of whiskey, but compared to the 3 in 30 minutes he used to do I think that was a step. He's had problems with the withdrawl process and I think got scared. I warned him of the side affects and again I think he poo pooed the fact that we have a problem.

I believe the more I don't drink, the more he won't either. I remember in our house we used to go months without even a beer in the house! Only to purchase it if we had company. I told him we need to get back there. I hope he will follow but I can't control anyone but myself.

I am going to try and catch up on everyone today - you guys are rock and roll stars!:grouphug:

Just a quick note to Stream and Bratnik - I hope you both are well today. Like you I have not posted my usual amount from retreating a bit. I'm thinking about all of you daily though which keeps my spirits high.

Instant - Day 80, I believe? Congrats to you on this tenacious achievement.

Congrats Instant - holy mackarel that's wonderful!

Squishy

Are you familear with the Don Maclean song "Starry, starry night"? The song is based upon your avatar, actually. Just wondering.

Stream - I am familiar with that song. I was hoping the stars would help me sleep lately! No such luck... I was thinking it may be soon time for a new avatar.

I need an avatar...

Blackbird for me i would say the alcoholic came first. It's just that in fourth grade i couldn't engage the alcohol. But my first depression came at that age when my parents split and lingured through my senior year in high school when i began to use alcohol to mask. All the years between, i had no contact with my father because my stepdad wouldn't allow it. When i was in fifth grade i sat on the front steps waiting with bag packed for weekend with dad but he didn't show up. The boy next door told me my father had shown up but my step dad had come outside and beat him up on the front lawn and sent my dad running in defeat. I ran in and told my mom what I'd heard and she said my friend next door was lying. So for years i believed my dad abandoned me. Later in high school when my abusive step dad left my mom because he'd impregnated his girlfriend wiith whom he shared a drug addiction, my brother and i found our dad and resumed our relationship with him. About five years ago my dad shared the story of my step dad beating him up all those years ago, confirming the boy next door. About two years ago my mom fessed about it during one of her drinking episodes. She cried and apologized. Anyway, my life has been a struggle with such things as abandonment issues and trust, etc. I feel like i've gotten over the 'hurts', but the thought patterns that developed with them still creep up, and that's some of what i deal with.

I don't want anyone here to feel that i don't appreciate the struggles. Often
times by the time i've read someone's troubles, many have already offered
positive support and many times i find i am kind of crippled as to what to say because it has taken me so many years to be able to function properly in day to day life. It's been years of baby steps and missteps. I think that's why i tend to inflate the little positives, because i appreciate them and focusing in on that has been the most effective thing for me, i think? I don't know.

Thank you Bee - that takes a lot to share you story. I hope you are now finding more peace and acceptance in your life. You are a wonderful person. :-)

That is true. I would draw the attention on my avatar. It is a warrior -yes- but in surrendering attitude (kneeling down). Maybe that is the point.

I will try to post later.

Bee2001, your story has impressed me. Be careful with solitude. I have the same problem. Solitude may be very dangerous for sobriety. I try to avoid it. I try to build a social network: old and new friends, clubs, gym, volunteering... Staying alone in home all the evening is not good for me. For me, one of the more importants tasks now is to build this social network. It is an important job.

Bee- Thanks for sharing that heartfelt post. I, too, have a lot of abandonment issues and have lost many close friends and family to untimely death. I think these issues hold me back a lot of the time. I have tried writing out "my story" on paper and find it sometimes helps. I do not remember a lot of my childhood and I used to think that it was a blessing. Now, I think that it still effects me even though I don't "remember" it.

Huh. I don't know much about battle-type stuff, But I always thought your avatar looked like he was saying "I challenge you to a duel!" ... I love your analogies. very appropriate.

Im back from work and have been ummming and arrring as to whether to go to the meeting tonight or just relax. After reading the posts I AM going to go otherwise I will just end up having spent another evening on my own and what some of you have said has helped me make that positive decision so thank you all.

Bee your story really touched me how awful for you and your brother and Dad. I hope you can get some peace from the hurt. I have issues to do with my Dad Ive had counselling and all sorts but now feel I am just accepting a situation I cant do anything about. I think when I have done all the steps maybe that will help me get some peace.

I would really recommend AA for anyone especially if you are lonely from time to time. I hope my comments earlier about struggling with the God bit didnt put anyone off. There are many non religious people who go and some never do the steps at all but still live happy sober lives its just something I feel I ought to do to stop me going back to drinking. For now I will stop deliberating on things so much and keep using my mojo's (AA chips) as my higher powers until I get that moment of clarity or spiritual awakening that I perhaps need.

Im really hungry I need to prepare diet friendly snacks to take to work so I dont get like this agian. I actually had a mini drink craving at work today that hasnt happened for a long time.

Off to cook my dinner now.

Bee, thanks for sharing such a personal story about your Dad. I can relate some to that. My parents divorced when I was 3.

Classical... thanks for that :) It's always nice to hear someone cheering you on... my grandmother was like your mother in that way... she impressed upon me and insisted that I believe I can do anything I set my mind to. My mother did also. It's something that has driven me and has always stayed with me, and spurred me on.

I've taken creative writing classes and I've always been encouraged to write by teachers & professors. I always kept it in the back of my mind, not really pursued it outright... just played around. Not sure why. Guess because my grandmother expected me to be a writer... LOL. And of course, I studied everything under the sun but that. My degrees are in philosophy & psychology... I also did some art history & music along the way... But I think I just let my writing skills atrophy along the way and then of course, drinking got in the way of everything.

I'm not sure what I'll end up doing. I thought it would be better to find a way to sell my house, maybe live in an RV while traveling around the country and working online... and writing. I just don't know if I can stomach academia at this point... I know I can do it, just not sure if I want the formalized setting anymore. I guess that's my hesitation... plus, maybe a bit of a chicken about competing with younger people ;)

Thank you for your kind words Squishy and Mariano. I hope i can find the balance between solitude and socializing. A couple years ago i moved to an area where i only knew my dad and my brother. I took a cleaning job a couple days into relocating and within a year was promoted to office manager for my company. I call my boss my fairy god boss. I love my job and am very grateful, but it is really all i have here. It is a very social and party oriented place. It's lots of fun and i love it. But want to be able to join in the socializing without partaking in the drinking. Because when i drink i feel like an idiot inside and i don't want to make anymore stupid choices that could possibly effect my position. Not after being jobless and homeless like i was a few years back. I hit a rock bottom due to the economy and poor financial choices. I had to make the decision to submit to letting my ex take our sons to live with him because he has financial stability. Now i was given the gift of stabily and a place of my own again. I don't want to risk another life altering loss over alcohol. It is tough because when i finally landed on my feet it was in a place an hour and a half away from my boys. I love summertime and school vacations because i can take them a week or more at a time. But here i am far from them and far from old friends and the bulk of my family. I love my newer work friends as well. They make me feel loved and very appreciated. They all know I'm not drinking and they all know why. They chuckle about it. They don't think it's as big a deal as i do. But they also don't know how sad i can feel inside if i'm not being true to myself. i just need to
spend my social time with them sans the booze for my own peace of mind. I totally understand the dangers of isolating too. I've spent time this summer checking in at work. I've had a couple lunches with my boss and a management dinner at his house last week. I've spent time with my dad and my sons have been here with me nearly all but two weeks so far this summer. I also spent 5 days up north at my mom's while i happened to be going through a minor oxycodone (surgical pain med) withdrawl. When the boys aren't here i've been passing time watching mindless hgtv and oil-painting and window shopping. I don't have okay from my doctor to lift over five pounds yet, so the exercizing is still on hold for now. But soon i may add walking to my day. I love walking. I do have a slight heart condition which resulted in being hospitalized with a mild heart attack about two and a half years ago. My heart is very healthy, the tests showed. But i have nerve that goes out of whack under certain conditions and sends my heart racing upwards of triple time. In the past it ceased within a couple hours, but that particular time i let it go for more than six hours before the guy i was seeing showed up fed me a dragged me to the emergency room where i had the heart attack. He said he was blown away watching my necklace bouncing rapidly off my chest, and when i felt the 'punch' he watched as the rapid bouncing began to subside. By the time they hooked me up my heart rate had subsided to about 160. ... another story to share with the group i guess. Suppose this is
partly where my concern for miss ducky came from. Sorry for the lack of indents in this rambling paragraph. One thought leading to another. Not so much sad though, just thinking through a post about the things that have brought me here.

Lol at my above long winded post! You guys, don't feel like you have to read it! This is why i try to filter :)

Jenny i total encourage you to write. Follow that dream. You may have some beautiful story inside you that brings peace to others.

Pumpkin i'm glad you are going to your meeting tonight. I hope you come home having gotten even some little special thing out of it.

Keep working on your relationships with your parents. Mine are both very good now. Over the years they have both shared the difficulties of their own childhoods with me i now i have seen that they truly did the best they could. And i wouldn't trade my childhood with either of them. I sent my dad a text earlier letting him know i feel for what he went thru when he couldn't see us all those years. It made me feel a little better too about my distance situation with my younger sons and puts it in a perspective that is much easier to bear.

Classical i am glad that your symptoms haven't been too too severe and that you may have even more improvements ahead :)

Tuesday i just saw your post. It can be a hard place to go, but it can help in healing. And then grab hold of the little blessings that come your way. Those little bits of light in the tough times. I try to look for those and latch on for dear life :)

Okay so hopefully i haven't dragged the group down too much but the was a calling out for some heartfelt blah stuff to counteract the carebears. I think i did my part. we're all pretty resiliant, so i have faith the good vibe will return.

Hey, who's sober today!? I am!