Hey Beth, I reread your message from earlier and thought it was great. In SMART recovery, they view relapses as opportunities to learn and change. Not that they promote them, but when they happen to make them meaningful. It sounds like your relapses provided some meaning for you in the process and you've become much stronger this go round. I feel the same about myself -- each time I have let go of alcohol it is with more conviction than the last. There is something now that is keeping me from drinking ever again -- aside from all the obvious benefits of not drinking -- I really don't think my body can handle it anymore. I really believe I was on the verge of doing serious damage to myself and feel I stopped just in time. THAT is what is keeping me from drinking. All of the other stuff is great, too, but my body not being able to handle it anymore, that is what makes me think I cannot drink. Almost like discovering you are a diabetic and can't eat sugar again.

The craving for wine that I had tonight, while pretty intense while it lasted, was one of the shortest cravings I have ever had. It went away as quickly as it came. I take that as a good sign that I'm able to knock down those cravings pretty effectively. I know it gets easier with practice and that is where I'm at. The SMART meetings are there for me when I need them and I'm starting to really benefit from them.

Thanks, Beth, for your kind words about losing my au pair. I was so sad and it hit me hard and out of nowhere. Kind of like that same feeling I had after dropping off my daughter at day care for the first time. After crying for a little bit (I think that was healthy -- so many bottled up emotions), I felt better and happier. My kids are also dealing with it (each one a little differently) and my daughter got sad a little later in the evening when I was feeling better. We will be fine. It's definitely time for her to move on with her life and we had a great year. I know she was sad, too, and was about to cry when she was saying bye to me. Okay, enough, I don't want to start crying again :)

Good night guys.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Your analysis about alcohol bringing up negative stuff from our past (hurt feelings, ex-boyfriends, etc.) was spot on! I couldn't agree with you more. When I'm sober, I move beyond all of that and just get on with my life. When I'm drinking, I'm stuck in all this muck from that past. This is another thing that keeps me sober.

Good morning! Can't believe it's Day 20!! Very cool!

I always wake up with the same feeling -- very glad to be sober, this is the right thing to do for myself (and my family), etc. So since we think most clearly in the morning, I'm thinking this is me thinking clearly!!!

I'm hoping for a good day. I don't have to work, but I do plan on doing a couple of hours at work at home. Lots of laundry, grocery shopping, etc. It will be a busy day.

Tonight I have a "Divorced Women's Support Group" kind of thing at a friend's house. She always serves wine, but I can do without it. If nothing else I'll remember that when she gives me a glass there's only a tiny amount in it and it never used to do much for me. There are other techniques to use -- that is just one. And it's true!

Have a great day everyone!

p.s. So my friend just emailed me that she can't wait to see me that she has lots of WINE. I wrote back and told her that I'm not drinking wine anymore, that is just wasn't agreeing with me, and that I was going to Trader Joe's today and would it be okay if I brought some fizzy fruit juice sodas for people to drink? She said sure and that would be really nice of me and that others would like that, too. I figured if I got that taken care of before I even went over it would be less awkward. So I must buy some non-alcoholic stuff to bring over!!!

You have lots of good thoughts Laura, I like the diabetic analogy you made for yourself. Whatever the reason you have for not drinking is a good one! For me it is because frankly there was zero fun left in for me. I use to feel free when I drank and be happy and smiley. The whole time I drank in Atl I just felt shame,powerless,angry,ugly,stupid,anxious,sadness, undeserving,almost suicidal, and most of all like a horrible mother. I can only imagine what my friends must've thought of me. I will never give my power away like that to anyone or anything again. Period.

I have many things I have to work on and I plan on not making any huge decisions in the next year. I am just going to try to heal all the damage I have done to myself over the past 20 years. I feel like someone who has to learn to walk again. Like everything else, I will put one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time:) I am excited to meet the real me. It's been a long time...

So you keep on doing what you're doing Laura.

I am proud of us both.

DAY 20

Good plan Laura. Always important to have a strategy before we go anywhere where alcohol is served. And although I would suggest you not go someplace like that while so early in recovery, I know you will anyways. :) Just remember that there is NOTHING more important than your sobriety. Enjoy your weekend.

Beth and Laura,
I just read the last 3 pages. Wow 20 days! Congratulations! I am so happy for both of you. Everything you get thru that doesn't make you drink is one more testiment to how we don't need it. Taking the kids to dave and buster's today (like an older chuckie cheese) little worried about the beer..but ill be ok. Just one more accomplishment. Again congrats to you both!!

Nice to hear from you HFA. Have fun at Dave and Busters with your kids. It's been a long time since I was there. I remember there being a lot of bars in them. Of course having your kids means you have to drive them home so I am sure that will help with any cravings. Enjoy!

I was just sitting here reading a book (dd is napping) and I realized that Atl was my bottom. I didn't drink liquor (wine) or drink everyday. I really did everything I was supposed to do hungover or not. I didn't even drink until after dd went to bed. The reason it was my bottom is the way I felt when I drank. I just felt completely worthless. I think I cried every time I drank. The despair I felt this last time was my bottom. Huh, interesting. I guess that is why I know I can't and won't ever have a drink again.

Hi HFA, Bdiddy, Beth... I'm good. Made it through "Divorced Women's Group Therapy Night" without a drop of alcohol. Almost everyone was sipping wine, but it really didn't tempt me. I came with a full stomach (full dinner of chicken, corn and even ice cream for dessert!) Wine on top of all that just didn't seem appealing. I tend to only want to drink on an empty stomach and at the bewitching time of day for me (4-6 pm ish). So I was completely fine.

Two things I noticed:

(1) My divorce situation is very, very good compared to most of the women there. My relationship with my ex is very unusual (unusually good, that is.) You would not believe some of the horror stories I heard tonight.

(2) About 4 or 5 women there had ex-husbands with alcohol addiction problems and they all talked about them. I knew all about what they were dealing with from personal experience, however I did not share any of my own personal addiction problems with them. We were there to discuss divorce, but I was so surprised at how often alcohol entered the discussion (in terms of the men having a problem). One of my friends says her husband is on antibuse (the kind you inject) and he's still drinking. She found a bottle of vodka in his freezer. Anyhow, it was interesting to hear about addiction/alcohol problems in this light.

Beth, it sounds like you're doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. Nice to know that you hit your bottom, and recognizing what it was. I also hit my bottom. It was trying to hide a hangover from my mother and sneaking off to the bathroom to vomit and looking in the mirror and seeing that my face looked yellow. That was my wake up call/bottom.

So I passed a little test tonight. Tomorrow should be easier. No social events to deal with. I'm doing yoga in the morning.

I have very mixed feelings about my new au pair and TRYING not to let it stress me out. It's not worth my health, my sanity and overall well being.

Good night.

Thats great news Laura, for some reason I didn't have any doubt you would be ok. I think you also sound stronger. You're not letting anything get in your way this time. You seem to be looking on the positive side of your life now. The au pair I guess you have to wait that out to see if anything changes. If not like you said you can get another one.

I know I keep rambling on, but bits and pieces of revelations our coming at me and I need to share. I know I am not the best typer, or use grammar correctly most of the time. I am a good writer with pen and paper, but for some reason I type horribly. Oh well, I am sure you can decipher most of what I am trying to say. lol

3 weeks tomorrow Laura!!

See ya in the morning:)

DAY 20

Day 21 -- That's 3 weeks! :)

3 weeks:) Congrats Laura!

I am taking the day off, X has dd for most the day. I am hoping to stay in bed and watch tv all day. I have not done that in forever! I really need to rest my mind and body. All good here:)

DAY 21

I'm trying to give myself permission to take it easy, today, too. I don't do enough relaxing. I'm always running here and there and seeing how much I can accomplish in one day.

I went to yoga this morning and feel very relaxed so decided to just lie down and watch the British Open for a bit with my dog next to me. Such a peaceful feeling. My life needs more of just "doing nothing."

Have a good, relaxing day Beth and congrats to you, too!

congratulations on the 3 weeks guys - you're both off to a relaxing start with the avatars :)

D

Ha! Good one Dee!

Well I got 1/2 day off. I asked the x where he was planning on taking dd for their first outing. I gave him about 100 suggestions. You know what he came up with? The GROCERY Store! He said he wasn't ready to go out to eat with her alone yet. The guy has never even taken her to the park and trust me he has more days off than he works. I told him he needed to stop being so afraid of his daughter. Of course he hasn't talked to me since I said it. And of course when he's mad at me he takes it out on dd by not interacting with her. Fun Times!
I ended up playing with dd outside in the baby pool for about 2 hours so she had a good day. I had a good day despite the X. I really don't let him get to me anymore because this is really a daily thing. If I let him get to me like I use to, I would be angry and anxious all day long. I am not letting him take my joy away from me anymore:) I am just going to live my life and take advantage of the fact that I don't have to 'work' yet. (Trust me being a stay at home mom is the hardest job I have ever done in my life combined!) The time will come when it is time to go and I will know when.

So, anyway I am not going to ask him to take her again. He knows where she is if he wants to take her somewhere FUN! lol. I will continue to take her on outings. It is sad because he really is missing out on so much. I am actually sad for him.

Glad you decided to take it easy today Laura, you deserve it!

Oh and HFA, Thank you for your kind word of encouragement yesterday. I forgot to thank you!! How are things going with you?

Anew, I hope you are having a great weekend!

Night all:)

DAY 21=3 weeks:)

Yay Beth for 3 weeks.

Beth and Laura...

Look at you both racking up the days!

I am relaxing a bit this weekend, it was a hectic, stressful week for me., I am glad it is the weekend.

Hey Lyddie!! Thank you! How is 1yr+ treating you?

Thanks Anew:)

Good Morning, It is a beautiful day today. DD and I are going to have some fun in the sun! Have a glorious day:)

DAY 22