What's the point? I guess I have to preface this by saying that I've been seeing a counselor for like 3 years now and I'm in the middle of seeing doctors, and I'm also not suicidal. I obviously don't want medical advice, I want to know what you guys do when you feel like this. I'm just losing sobriety steam like crazy. I spent the first month of sobriety eating healthy, working out every day, and doing everything I could to stay above water. Most of the month was spent in some pretty weird digestive pain, and at the exact 1-month-clean milestone I ended up in the ER getting abdominal surgery, which is probably my top phobia in the world (anxiety people can probably relate). What was even stranger was that I had predicted this would happen 2 years earlier and that was part of my reason for quitting drinking - I wanted to avoid having this happen at all costs and I still failed. Now my wife is dealing with a death in her family and I'm just getting existentially bummed, even though my anxiety and depression levels are probably at an all-time low since recovering from surgery and continuing to eat healthy, stay sober, etc. I just feel like we're on this planet now and we're going to die soon, which basically feels meaningless and stupid to me. That dark part of my mind would just rather have a few beers each day (I was never really a heavy drinker, just a six-pack before bed was my 'happy' place) and just dim down the fact that everything kind of sucks. People die, illness happens, and honestly I'd rather just numb myself a little bit before my time to die naturally shows up. Does anyone else feel like this? I'm trying to prevent relapsing but my mind does not give two dumplings about it anymore. :You_Rock_ |
I can only really comment on my own experience. I have quit many times, and then gone back thinking "What the hell". I have ALWAYS regretted it, and I ended up drinking more than before each time. The hardest part is done in my opinion. You're not a drinker anymore, so why would you want to drink? Don't let that inner voice win the fight, knock it back down. |
My wife got some life altering medical news a month ago. She could possibly have acute leukemia. She went for the blood work and we had been waiting for the results until finally yesterday they came. She does not have acute leukemia. I could have numbed for the past month but because i didn't, I was able to be there for my wife. Numbing myself, would have robbed both my wife and me. Instead our relationship deepened, even after 30+ years. Life has peaks and valleys. If it was all peaks, we would not appreciate the peaks and they would become blaise because that would be all we knew. I know night because of day. |
Hi xNOiSEx I'm sorry for all you have going on right now. I won't speak to the counselling or the medico thing - sounds like you feel you have that in hand. Let me share some experience tho. I know in the past I had an idealised idea of recovery - my life would be perfect...and when, of course, it was not - I went back to drinking. I think I missed the point there for a lot of years - it's not about life getting better (although in the long term it certainly does) it's about me getting better. By the end I'd be drinking for so many reasons that I lost all confidence in my capacity to deal with hard things. Staying sober gave me the realisation that I was far more capable and competent than I knew - and I was stronger too. Over the years I've come to love being responsible, being 'there' for loved ones and dealing with problems sober as much as I used to love numbing out and running away. The difference is this way nourishes me and helps me grow - running away simply depletes me. I may indeed die tomorrow - who knows? - but I'd rather have lived a life rather than waiting for the end to come? Stand your ground - its tough and new and uncomfortable I know...but you're heading in the right direction IMO. D |
Because if I continue to drink, things won't stay exactly the same- they'll get worse. It's an assumption, at least for me, that I can just drink indefinetly with zero consequences. |
Dee's post is pretty spot on. I lost my mom the day after Christmas, and saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I've ever done. My dad died almost nine years ago, and I don't know if this was harder because it was my second parent. Anyway, since then I have spent a lot more time than I would like thinking about death, however, it has also caused me to want to appreciate and savor every day. You mentioned you're losing your steam in sobriety, I wonder if you can flip your recovery to focus on gratitude, I find it really helpful. Each day I go for a walk, and I appreciate all of the beatiful things nature has to offer, I watch my kids participate in sports, and savor the craziness of trying to get from one acitivty to the next, because I know that won't last forever, I log into SR and look forward to catching up with the many friends I've met on here, and offering support for someone who may be struggling. I'm glad you're working with your counselor, I'm also glad you posted. |
Originally Posted by Dee74
(Post 7120212)
I think I missed the point there for a lot of years - it's not about life getting better (although in the long term it certainly does) it's about me getting better. :scoregood |
Originally Posted by xNOiSEx
(Post 7120097)
What was even stranger was that I had predicted this would happen 2 years earlier and that was part of my reason for quitting drinking - I wanted to avoid having this happen at all costs and I still failed.
Originally Posted by xNOiSEx
(Post 7120097)
I just feel like we're on this planet now and we're going to die soon, which basically feels meaningless and stupid to me. Humans get caught up in the meaning of life, and are influenced by the philosophers, who are thought to be deep thinkers, because they seek to understand the imponderable, which by definition, would be pointless (think about that). Don't expect to be handed the meaning of life by an outside source like a respected philosopher, and don't expect to find it hidden in the depths of your mind. You put your own meaning into your own life and it can be anything. It might be in attaining wealth, skiing, finding love, or serving a god, or combinations of things. You won't find this meaning. You create it.
Originally Posted by xNOiSEx
(Post 7120097)
That dark part of my mind would just rather have a few beers each day (I was never really a heavy drinker, just a six-pack before bed was my 'happy' place) and just dim down the fact that everything kind of sucks.
Originally Posted by xNOiSEx
(Post 7120097)
I'm trying to prevent relapsing but my mind does not give two dumplings about it anymore. |
Originally Posted by nez
(Post 7120171)
Life has peaks and valleys. If it was all peaks, we would not appreciate the peaks and they would become blaise because that would be all we knew.
Originally Posted by Dee74
(Post 7120212)
Over the years I've come to love being responsible, being 'there' for loved ones and dealing with problems sober as much as I used to love numbing out and running away.
Originally Posted by LaceyDallas
(Post 7120414)
Because if I continue to drink, things won't stay exactly the same- they'll get worse. It's an assumption, at least for me, that I can just drink indefinetly with zero consequences. My sobriety needs frequent recharging with meetings, church, readings, prayer, meditation, time with God, and time with family and friends that reminds me that I'm loved and valued, we all are. There are very few meaningless moments in my life nowadays, for the most part I cherish every second I'm alive. |
Originally Posted by xNOiSEx
(Post 7120097)
I guess I have to preface this by saying that I've been seeing a counselor for like 3 years now and I'm in the middle of seeing doctors, and I'm also not suicidal. I obviously don't want medical advice, I want to know what you guys do when you feel like this. I'm just losing sobriety steam like crazy. I spent the first month of sobriety eating healthy, working out every day, and doing everything I could to stay above water. Most of the month was spent in some pretty weird digestive pain, and at the exact 1-month-clean milestone I ended up in the ER getting abdominal surgery, which is probably my top phobia in the world (anxiety people can probably relate). What was even stranger was that I had predicted this would happen 2 years earlier and that was part of my reason for quitting drinking - I wanted to avoid having this happen at all costs and I still failed. Now my wife is dealing with a death in her family and I'm just getting existentially bummed, even though my anxiety and depression levels are probably at an all-time low since recovering from surgery and continuing to eat healthy, stay sober, etc. I just feel like we're on this planet now and we're going to die soon, which basically feels meaningless and stupid to me. That dark part of my mind would just rather have a few beers each day (I was never really a heavy drinker, just a six-pack before bed was my 'happy' place) and just dim down the fact that everything kind of sucks. People die, illness happens, and honestly I'd rather just numb myself a little bit before my time to die naturally shows up. Does anyone else feel like this? I'm trying to prevent relapsing but my mind does not give two dumplings about it anymore. :You_Rock_ |
Originally Posted by nez
(Post 7120171)
My wife got some life altering medical news a month ago. She could possibly have acute leukemia. She went for the blood work and we had been waiting for the results until finally yesterday they came. She does not have acute leukemia. I could have numbed for the past month but because i didn't, I was able to be there for my wife. Numbing myself, would have robbed both my wife and me. Instead our relationship deepened, even after 30+ years. Life has peaks and valleys. If it was all peaks, we would not appreciate the peaks and they would become blaise because that would be all we knew. I know night because of day. |
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