yeahhh....i got a wonderful call from Liveweyered today!!! i was so happy to hear from her and that she is doing okay. i'm going to call her tomorrow when i have more time to talk and catch up more :))

I also heard back Wednesday from the landlord i applied to for a rental place. He finally gave me the okay and i'll start moving closer to my work starting this coming week!

The day after I posted my last post about the goofy boy....he was beeing an a-hole and i finally told him that I was going to ignore him from then out. He was mad, but I haven't spoken to him since...and I even deleted him from my site. I'm sort of proud of myself, but i still am WAY too aware of anytime he's in the same room or event i'm at....and still can't help think of him each time i walk past his desk every day.

i'm excited about the move, but also nerveous. My energy level is low and moving is always a stressor. And i'll be paying rent for the first time in several years...and it won't be to my parents. very scary. but i have faith this is what is right for me in my life right now.

getting sleepy, hugs, Jenna

oppss i'm a goober...just realized you were asking CinderellaWalks. Sorry Cinderella. Please let us know how you are doing when you get a chance. hugs.

new boy, different day.

oh gosh...i could fall hard for this one i think. lots in common and he's not playing games with me i don't think. Again, i'm going to feel stupid writing this to 4 the whole world to read, but he lives in the same town, but we have yet to meet in person. And that's got me running for the hills. Right now he's very interested in seeing where things might could go...and me too...but a meeting has a great likelyhood of ending it all. I had a run in with a similar situation before first finding this site, but I had gone to high school with the guy and we starting writing letters through the mail, e-mail, talking on the phone all the time and texting b/c he was deployed state-side in the military (about an 8 hour drive from our home town). I finally got the nerve to go see him for the weekend and things went wonderful...so i thought. After i got home...i maybe heard from him twice and never again. that hurt my soft shell a great deal. i don't want to risk that happening again, and yet if i never take any risks in life then what kind of life would that be?

Anyway this is what I wrote him and i'm pasting it here instead of actually sending it to him -- which would be pretty stupid of me to do i think : I'm falling asleep at my desk....

getting close to finishing all the stinking wedding pics, but I tell you i don't plan on agreeing to shoot another one for anything less than $1,000!! It's too much freak'n work (mainly b/c i'm a perfectionist about stuff like this). And for too many hours to count now i've been starring at 2 people in love and it's depressing i tell you!

I am more than happy with the results though! I think I must be channeling some other photographer/photoshop wiz this week b/c I'm totally shocked by the kind of quality that has come popping out of my screen!

And you...yes you....have been on my brain all night. Darn you. I don't like that one bit. Not one bit at all. The only thing i want to have my thoughts going back to over and over is my career or continuing to get all my ducks in a row in life......only real things.

Thinking this much about a boy i've never met is not only emotionally dangerous for me, but also stupid of me for that reason.

One more big photo to work completely in various forms and i'm done...well then i have to burn a DVD of it all and then still drive 40 minutes b4 finding my pillow.

i like u and i....

Well, my update for now is...Topomax was working so great!

Then I renewed my medi-cal and because I now get 1000.00

per month my share of costs per month for meds is 400.00!!!!

My doctor (bless her) was livid and is giving me free samples of

Depakote, Sero..(down to 100 mg.) I buy the Traz out of pocket

but it is cheap. Doctor is working with Topomax distributor

to try and get me free samples..in the mean time she

started me on Lamictal...I feel no effects yet, and am "down"

quite a bit. I hope this works...trying to stay positive...

My best to you Shutter...

Oh, anyone else out there on my particular meds regime?

Love,

:Flower111:

Sherry

Sherry, it seems like you've got a very caring doc there. Glad to hear it.

I won't be surprised if the Lamictal helps.
I know we are all different, but regardless...it was the only one that made me feel okay and not like the walking dead at the same time.

The only major side affect i had from it was bad acne outbreaks. I deal with that constantly as it is...as it's my target for how I've self-harmed since I was 10 or 11, so it being so much worse than even it usually is was a big thing for me. At first I thought it was stress until reading others complain of the same issue while on Lamictal and after my doc switched me (can't remember why now other than I was still in the major depressive episode and she wanted to try lithium i think) it cleared up.

But....the best part of it was that i was able to think so much more clearly when i was on it. I hope you have those postive affects w/o the neg ones.

----

As for me, I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay to be so boy crazy right now and wanting to be paired up after being alone for 2+ years and going thru all the struggles and emotional crap i've been thru during the maj dep.

I'm only human right?
Wanting to fall in love isn't wrong?
Wanting to have someone hold my hand or cuddle up and watch a movie with or talk on the phone to for hours....or just know they care and are thinking of me.....that's not wrong is it?

This one i've been talking to thru e-mails for about 3 weeks now. There are a few things that I haven't yet decided if they should be deal breakers or not, but the main being he considers himself an agnostic and not knowing what he believes.

He's shy and sweet and smart and funny and cute and ambitious (very ambitious like me which is a HUGE deal in my book)...looks at life like i do...and a whole bunch of other things i hold dear.

He's written me at least once a day every single day ....starting with the first one right after he gets up each morning. So it's been a good feeling, kind of surprise each morning for me to open his letter to me before I start the work day.

But, that's just it...his words say he is adoring of me and interested and all that, but after 3 weeks i can't understand why he says i'm so great and yet he hadn't asked for my phone number!

I threw the line out there and unlike a lot of men, he is perseptive enough that he understood what I was saying without me having to tell say it. Another big plus.

But over the weekend i started getting stressed out. See....i don't want to WASTE MY TIME for even another week talking to him and not "knowing" the him in 3-D which includes the sound of his voice and his manerisims and all that stuff. Mainly, I don't want to start developing stronger feelings for the 'him' i'm getting to know in writing and then find out i don't like the "real" him (or vice-versa).

So today i just told him that i was a fabulous catch and he'd better start trying to reel me in or else i wasn't going to keep biting any more. I flat out told him to either start adoring me (which includes asking for my number and then over a phone call asking me out!) or else he was getting thrown into my "friend's zone".

I'm pretty sure i freaked him out. He said he had thought I was to busy to want to move to that "next level."

(bull ****)

I told him if he wanted to persue me he'd just better hop on the wagon and start begging for my number. I didn't hear from him after the last message I sent telling him it was as simple as just asking me for my number.

So i increasingly became sad....thinking he was either stalling for time to think of what to say (instead of owning up to whatever the real reason is) or that he was in the process of writing me a lenghtly 'lovey-type' letter and that he hadn't read that last message yet.

After a little while more, i felt myself wanting to cry and tell him to go jump off a cliff if the decision was that hard to make. Intead i heated up my dinner and tending to a few things. And only then just simply writing him and saying "never mind"

His excuse that time?

(He was in class and didn't realize i was expecting a response message right thenbut had been thinking of calling me when he got out of class). Sorry, but the first time I talk to a guy I think I could have feelings for....i don't want to be on the verge of tears!

I didn't answer back.

15 min later he wrote again saying he had to jet and if I wanted to give him a call...here was his number and that he was sorry - that he's really shy)

(bull ****)

So i didn't aswer back and i'm going to wait until mid-day tomorrow to decide if I will write him back then.


....falling asleep...gotta go 4 now..................

so...i'm feeling sad.
The conversations with the guy have been wonderful since i last posted.
Until today, and i know....it's all my crazy head that is mostly to be the cause for this one to never get off the ground either.

Yesterday, I hadn't been able to write him all day and he said it was all he could think about (a good thing :) That I had basically 'forced' him to buck up and call me since he didn't get to hear from me all day. I asked him why it was so hard to call me for the first time and he said something about the adrenaline and everything. He also told me that his work buddies have figured out he's been talking to someone b/c they give him a little rousing about the fact that now...whenever he gets a break...he heads straight for the computer...and they have nick-named me from my photo :)

But then today....barely anything...except about 2 written lines saying they were being monitored on their computers all day....like a hawk.

(bull****)

so now i want to cry. i want to yell at him and tell him his not paying attention to me tells me he isn't as interested as he had seemed to be and that i don't want to waste my time or heart on someone like that. But he seems perfect in 95 percent of the things that matter to me in a companion. It's almost freaky.

so...paranoid, scared, thinking that i'm never going to get to have a relationship with a man again until i learn to settle for unmotivated, unintelligent low-lifes like my ex-fiance. He never abandoned me, which is why I stayed so committed to trying to make the relationship work with him for so many years. Of all my life, he was the ONLY person who i never felt abandoned by.

i just can't handle any more rejection in my life, even minor rejection like this...that is most likely not rejection, but rather him having a healthy and normal life - not dependant on the attentions of a member of the opposite sex.

anyway...i'm sadly convincing myself that i'm sabotaging any hopes of building a relationship with this awsome guy....all because of my neediness and insecurities.

....oh....and one of my cousins is headed to the state mental hospital for the first time in his life....for wanting to committ suicide. It's the same place I first went when this bipolar/depression began.

crap...i feel like crap and how does the world treat crap? They stay away from it and if they can't then they scrape it off the bottom of their shoes. Today....i am crap.

Urrrggg, urrrggghhhhhh and double URRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate boys! I wish i did give a flying fig about a single one of them.
I know, i know.....at 30 i'm still acting like I'm 13, i don't care. This is the real crap in my head. i want a boyfriend!!! what is so wrong with that I ask you?? It's been so long i can't even remember how long.

He goes from writing me everyday, several times a day and missed hearing from my Thursday so bad that he said he got brave enough to call.....then basically nothing heard from him Friday - and nothing at all yesterday or today so far. What gives!!!???? Oh, i want to scream! He's not even the kind of guy i'm really physically attracted to, but his personality and brain are two things i'm highly attracted to. And that's all that matters to me. I know that if i get a chance to grow emotionally closer to him then i will easily start finding him attractive in my eyes. stupid boys.

If I listen to the stupid relationship books like, "Men are from Mars...." then I can choose to believe that his little disappearing act is temporary and also typical of new relationships in the beginning stages. That for some alien reason, guys have to forget about us for a while and if the girl doesn't pursue him while he's pulled away...then they will eventually snap back to us. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I hate mars, men and maddening mind games. I want to write all this to him and tell him that he needs to realize how frustrating he is being and that he needs to shower me with his attentions. But of course i can't tell him how pathetically needy i am. but still...that's what i want to tell him. "Hey dude....love me!!! or get lost for good!!"

and i hate that part about myself....that all-or-nothing, if-it's-not-going my-way-then-it's-not-going-to-work part of who i am. i suck and so does he....i just don't know which one of us sucks more! humph!!!

---
on a positive note: i stayed the night in my new place last night for the first time. i couldn't sleep worth a flip, but it felt nice to be there just the same.

well...i finally found out Monday why he stopped talking to me... I knew he wasn't married, but what I didn't know was that he's got a girlfriend he's been fighting with. Doesn't matter to me...a dog, is a dog, is a dog. Done, over! Grrrrrrrr.

My new place is wonderful and peaceful and i can't wait to start staying there full time. It has a vintage feel to nearly every room as it's in a historic district and guidelines that keep many things about it in original states. It's PERFECT for me...i'm in love...not with a boy this time, but a place....my new place. It's such a wonderful place to breath and live and grow healthier.

Going to NY trip this month...can't wait.
Still fighting the depression daily. Still not looking forward to a med-change, but still trying to talk myself in to figuring out all the insurance stuff so i can continue working to keep myself as healthy as possible.

still tears on top of smiles and laughs, but doesn't everyone?

Amen sistah!

testing, testing, testing

okay...I have posted a few times and they would not go through.
I have a new laptop and it sits here in the lap of luxury....that means I can sit in the lounger and read and type. Call me spoiled. Well, soon as it stops dumping me.
Hey, never drop kick your laptop...it will never work again and cannot be repaired. LOL
From where come the roses? ooooo, I love them. I can see wearing them as a navel ring on the outside of my shirt. Lord knows I love glitz and the outrageous!
Anyway I am fine as frog hair.
I phoned Jenna last night when my post got dumped but I am really not the phone person......daughter called last week and was just full of fun yakkety-yak when there was a PAUSE, I said hey, that's great, well you have a great day. She says are you brushing me off? umm. Busted. My ear was a cauliflower and my head was echoing. LOL

I am the LEAST depressed I have been in ages.
I am back in Florida and have no interest in taking another oil and gas project. I am working part time at physical labor and it pays like crap but otherwise suits me better in every other aspect.

Let's see...I do have a book recommendation "In Praise of Slowness"...maybe later I will locate the book in that room that is like an overstuffed closet and find the author.

Yesterday I went to the chiropractor for the first time in a long time and got my neck very satisfyingly crunched. Then went to Hungry Howie's for spaghetti and salad as my wifely cooking and something easy to chew.

I told myself and Jenna last night that I wouldn't cruise around the boards...but dang I am curious how others are!
It's a woman's perogative to change her mind, right?

LOVE!
Tena

Tena,

How are you ? Haven't heard from you in ages. I'm busy as ever as my brother just bought a new house and will be moving in shortly. Other stuff is going on, but will have Jenna fill you in. Have to email her first. Might need your insight on something, but will have Jenna fill you in.

I have missed you and hope you will stop in again sometime.

Katierose

Hey, Katie Rose! Big hugs!

I had made an appmt to work today but decided that since my back just got readjusted I was going to hang out with my new computer...oooooLALALA...give my back a rest and reschedule. It's okay to do that. Depressed, I would have felt shame and failure about it, but I am alot more well and today I see it as a reasonable option and the lady will get her money's worth better on Tuesday. And I get to have fun, fun, fun. I haven't had a computer since October! I didn't really miss it oddly enough, but now that I have one again I can't keep my fingers out of it!

I haven't forgotten you at all, in fact I just re-read your journal. You haven't posted lately. So I will be happy and pleased to catch up with you.

I feel I had gotten into a habit of misusing SR, so I hope to have learned and be able to correct that now.

I hear the weather has been really nice in Indiana. I am back in Florida. I will always miss Spring in the heartland but I have started my own flower garden here and am trying to make it more like "home" than the typical Florida landscaping. Actually I am ate up with it...I could send us to the poor house just going to the nursery and digging holes.

Hugs!
Tena

Tena,

Big hugs for you as well. I haven't kept up with my journal as i should. Yoohoo, Jenna check your email when you can. I went back to docter last week.

I planted some flowers myself tuesday. I can't wait for them to bloom.

It's nice to know that you haven't forgotten me. Some people only talk to me at christmas. My christmas card list will be greatly reduced this year.

Sis in law and mom both have poison oak. I am doing the happy dance because i don't. I have so much to tell you. Let's catch up soon OK?

Hugs,

KatieRose

I'm here Katie. I set today aside to rest my back on my cold pack and hang on the computer...just because I can.

What did you plant????????????

I used quite a few impatiens, and my cosmos seedlings are starting to sprout. I also brought in alot of ferns from the woods. For the first time ever, I am going with pastels....fortunately I have a shady spot as far as Florida goes and hubby put in sprinklers so we can water every morning, otherwise they would have heat stroke by now.

Impatients and other flowers from grandmas garden. Won't know what they are til they come up. I water my flowers twice a day every day.


I should probably be doing housework, but this is more fun. I did learn how to make necklaces over the weekend. Turned out well i think.

Still no job, but i will just keep looking. I know the right job is out there somewhere.

How is your hubby doing?

My brother gave me Finding Nemo, Bambi, and Rescuers down under on dvd. I may go watch one later.

Did some yardwork this morning, as we are supposed to get rain on monday.

lol....hi guys!!!!
Katie, I just checked my e-mail and wrote you a response.
Tena, you make me smile :)
SooooooooSooooooooo glad to see you back here. And I LOVE your sparkling roses!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried planting things in the flower beds at my house last summer for the first time ever and they all died. But to my surprise...at least one of the creeping, tiny-flowering plants is growing this year!!!! I thought I had killed them all for good last year with too much plant food LOL.

Tena..."In Praise of Slowness"...what's that one about?

I'm rather happy about how i've got one little corner of my new place set up so far. For the first time I have all my books in one room and in some resemblance of a personal library. Of course, I need more bookcases still, but this is FAR better and I just love walking in there and seeing all my books lined up along the wall.

:) So glad to have you around again....i just can't even begin to express the joy of reading your words again and seeing your little green light on :)! I've still beem thinking over the previously mentioned dog-of-a-man (i mean boy).....and now i've completely forgotten my saddness and stupid thoughts about him. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oahhhhhhhhh.....SR feels like home again.....all is once again right in the world.

((((((((((((((((((((Huuugggggggggssssssss))))))))) ))))))))))))

Well, I was excited when I saw you log on!

I don't know who gave me the roses! But they go right to my heart and spirit and make my eyes twinkle. I have a guess, but I will keep it to myself. But I want that person to know that it feels like one of the nicest gifts I have ever received.

So...let's talk about me....LOL. After years of having longish hair, tho' I have been quite experimental in the past, I found a photo of a really kicky short cut that is assymetrical, something I have always wanted and went and got enough hair cut off to send a ponytail to locks of love (for cancer patients). If you took a profile photo of the left and then of the right, it looks like two different cuts. I like it and think it is cool. My only reservation was "Am I too old to be doing this stuff?" But here is my on-going theory about that....I was a child when Cher was lounging on the piano being a vamp and if she can still do it then so can I.

My NEW laptop has a wireless range of about 400 feet so that I can sit at the patio table with my flowers and hang on the computer.
I will never want to go to work again.

I have been working part-time with a friend well-established in the business cleaning private homes. This is a low pay, no prestige job. But for me it has great perks. I get physical excercise and no longer need sleep prescription. I get out and get to look at other's homes and decorating styles and learn alot about people's lifestyles. And get to meet some truly inspiring people.
My favorite is a man in his 80's who looks 30 years younger. He is vital, friendly, intelligent and wonderful to talk to. He has cancer. A year ago he had chemotherapy but this time he decided to forego that and keep his quality of life. He has been deciding which last things he wanted to do. One was to go up in a B-52 bomber (WWII vet) and he has decided he will make his last trip to upstate New York in July.
He and I hit it off and I have talked to him about my decision to drop out of my profession. He so encourages me to do what makes me happy and that it is not worth any money to waste life.
Another is a 91 year old man who flew a glider in WWII. He also is intelligent and a treasure to talk to. I tease him about such a risky choice being a glider pilot and tell him he must have been awfully frisky.
I guess I like the WW II vets the best. Another is a couple and he and I talk about the war and etc but he is suffering from early dementia and his wife is a great example to me of ladylike grace.
Another lady is an absolute dynamo. She inspired me to try my hand at knitting which I abandoned so many years ago with the divorce.
I have almost finished an afghan for my 6yr old grandson that it is a made up design that looks like an airial view of the midwest. He loves to fly and if I could name it, I would call it cropduster. I appliqued a couple of trees on it and used different stitches and colors to look like plowed fields and forests etc. I dropped a stitch in a difficult pattern which makes a hole in it. UGGGH. I told my daughter that I wasn't sure I could fix it and thought I would applique a crop circle over it. She thought that was damned funny...so that is what I will do. Oh I put his name on it too.
Now I need to get busy on the onesie outfit for Eli who is due July 9th, but need to have it shipped out in time for the baby shower June 2.
I may have a short work week this week. That would suit me fine and maybe I could start organizing my home too and get that knitting done.

Those injections into hubby's spine are working miracles. I haven't seen him move so easily and with so little pain in almost 2 years.

That book is a sociological review/critique that I really resonate to but it has been long enough since I read it to do it any justice right now.

I love hearing that you have found your home. I have a feeling that you will have it looking stellar. I will want to hear all about it....your artwork, furniture, etc...your style.

okay.....now.....time to hear about you!

I was about to post "Where are all the loonies?" This forum has been dead today.

LOVE YOU

yes it was a lovely thing...whoever gave you the roses!! So sparkly...lol...I like to see them sparkling in my journal! Thanks for sprucing the place up...it was so drab in here before. now my eyes just glitter :)

I'm glad to hear those injections are helping. That's great news.

And you go girl with the new hairdo!!! Someday I hope i'll be brave enough to do something so kewl! ;) And age is only a number. We are only as old as we act.

Heck, I started doning false eye-lashes a couple weeks ago and that's been super fun!

as far as the new place...i had wanted everything in the living room to be black and silver metals and then the fabrics in deep red and pinks. That was the plan....however most my furniture is wood and brown. I WAS going to paint/decoupage/whatever everything to match that color theme, but once we put the few pieces in...it matched perfectly and looked cozy....as the whole place is wood floors and the walls are a light yellow/beige color.

Other than that i'm trying to keep the kitchen in a vintage feel...as just about everything (except the fridge) is vintage or original. I like it. I like the feeling of old houses that have history to them. And there is lots of light coming in everywhere.

As for everything else...i'll just go with the flow of what i need to have in the room or things i like, but most of all i'm TRYING to keep everything NON-CLUTTERED and very minimalistic!! TRYING being the big, important word there. LOL!!

sounds like you are meeting some great people with great storieas and histories of their own. I've thought more than once about writing a book full of the stories of veitnam vets as most are getting where they are finally starting to talk about what really happened over there....and seeing that they aren't getting any younger and those untold stories then get lost forever.

I love that you are doing all that knitting! Man, all I can crochet are basic stitches and I'm even bad at that!!!! And with the job...i agree...do what makes you happiest for that's what matters at the end of the day and the end of our lives!!

I'm so glad to hear such great wonderful things from you!

love you too and welcome back,
Jenna