If I had the money, I would have hired a PI in a heartbeat. Some would say that that can get you in more trouble than it's worth- but the thing is, there's this little loophole when it comes to child safety- if you feel they are at risk, you can away with it.

I begged and begged my dad to pay for a PI. He paid for my lawyer, but she was worthless. I know a PI would have helped me more. I've heard from multiple sources that my ex is an absolute wreck (and I've known this for quite a while), but haven't been able to prove it. I hope to soon.

Anyway, yeah, you're husband's a mess. And he's the worst kind- the kind that thinks they have no problem at all. Anvilhead hit the nail on the head- he is in active addiction and it's most likely much worse than what you've seen. Addicts don't get lazy like, letting you catch them with powder in their nose, etc. until things are seriously out of control.

Your kids are not safe in his care, even for a moment.

When someone in active addiction is living in your home, they should be dealt with as a stranger- an invader. First things first, get them out of there and change the locks. Get the law involved to make sure your children are protected. Then lock up all your valuables and change your banking info. Sounds extreme- it's reality. You don't know him anymore. You're playing with fire.

Think he can change? Maybe he will when he sees your serious. Right now? Nope. You're just a dang buzzkill. He doesn't even have a problem!

Anyway, that's what I think...

Hello Private. im an "ex" coke addict. I was spending about 1000€ a week. It went out of control so fast i nearly lost everthing. It was driving me mad, i mean it, mad. My wife told me clearly she was leaving and taking my daughter with her. And i knew she meant it.
He has to get all this dirt out of his life so forget about golf and the viral buddies. If there is something real between ye and he loves you and his child he will understand.... whatever it takes.
Don’t let your toddler grow up in a toxic environment. The first years of infant’s development are modelled on their parent’s behaviour and relationships. Infants/children are the most instinctively intelligent creatures on earth. They can look into your soul....

Private, If you have overdraft protection on that joint account I would see about getting that cancelled asap.

Good luck to you.

That can be a positive outlook to have on life, just not when it comes to an active addict. As a matter of fact it could be detrimental when dealing with confronting one about their drug use.

This is how the dance goes:

You: confront him about his drug use and how it makes you feel.

Him: denial, denial, deflection and ultimately blame you for feeling bad about him.

You: begin to question yourself on if his drug use is really a big deal or maybe thinking you might be making it out to be worse than it is.

Him: promises, promises, promises

You: believe the best in him because you love him.

Life moves on he’s more cautious with his drug use and spending money until he’s not then you begin the dance once again.

I hope you stick around, read the stickies and other threads of others who are going through the same thing you are or who have gone through it.

If I knew back then what I know today about addiction I would have left the dance a lot sooner then when I finally did. And boy, oh boy did all those dances exhaust me!!!!

T
I begged and begged my dad to pay for a PI. He paid for my lawyer, but she was worthless. I know a PI would have helped me more. I've heard from multiple sources that my ex is an absolute wreck (and I've known this for quite a while), but haven't been able to prove it. I hope to soon.[/QUOTE]

So do you have kids too with your ex? Do they spend time with him and you worry this you wish you had gotten the PI?

My positive outlook helps me get through anything... My depression and anxiety that I have is what is hindering this outlook slightly this has me on here...which may be a blessing in some aspects ....
But this story sounds a little familiar however hasn't been too long that I'd hope it changes... However posting on here, it seems it may not. I hope I'm not on here saying the same, if I am... I know what I need to do, sadly. No one gets married and has a beautiful baby expecting to than later have to divorce and go through these issues.... Especially when my parents have been together since teenagers and the only issues in their shoes were money issues... My mom likes to shop. Too much 🙄

So do you have kids too with your ex? Do they spend time with him and you worry this you wish you had gotten the PI?[/QUOTE]

I have six-year-old twin boys. They're with him right now. They're with him nearly half the time. It's terrible.

Private, if there's one thing I could do differently (and I say this on here all the time)- I would have had my X drug tested at an actual testing facility. I took drug testing into my own hands, and he failed several- but home drug tests aren't valid in court, and even if they were, I never kept the evidence- always believed that he would turn things around. I'm sure he'll fail a court drug test soon, but for now, I wait and pray. And my kids come home reeking of cigarette smoke, and tell me that "Daddy's friends" and my wicked mother in law all smoke in the house, but they do it in a different room, so all's well (child abuse, if you ask me... and who knows what all they're really smoking, anyway).

I really hate my situation. I hate that I feel like it's my fault- and maybe it is. I've always been so shy, a bit on the socially awkward side, while my ex is such a charmer. I remember my lawyer telling me there was no way the mediator wouldn't recommend full custody for me, and I also specifically remember thinking, "You underestimate my ability to make a bad impression."

Anyway, no matter how bad I am at first impressions, I know I'm a good person and a good mom, and I know my ex's schemes will catch up with him one way or another.

I just wish I knew then what I know now. I should have prepared for the worst, instead of only hoping for the best.

That is true -- kind of like kissing a poisonous snake.
M-Bob

Just chiming in about this - I am a CPA - you are entitled to file Married Filing Separately. Not saying you should but keep it in mind at tax time. I'd be leery about signing a tax return with him after what you described. If you file together and money is due, you are liable for it.

Just curious, was alcohol or drugs involved in any previous relationships?

There was no prior drug use that I'm even aware of in previous relationships.

I did file separately... I feel guilty however I need to protect myself for the sake of my kids... Hard decision.

It was a smart decision, good for you.

not in a billion years.. why because it will just get worse as his
body demands more of it. and you all and life will mean less.. take this as the truth from a wife of a morphine user that almost died when it was carefully removed from his system .... prayers to a complete family...

Please don't allow guilty to get in the way of making decisions about you and your childrens safety and future. Rootin for ya. :egypt:
https://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=OIP....9&rs=0&p=0&r=0

I am looking into getting a PI. I'm in a custody battle with my ex. I'm extremely financially strapped though and he's not helping at all with our two kids. However, I'll do whatever it takes. We have two small kids...I actually left him when our son was only a month old. You will get through it just keep focused on your kids.