Should I ignore casual coke use from my husband?

Old 10-16-2016, 04:54 PM
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Should I ignore casual coke use from my husband?

Hi,
I've suspected my husband of using coke for the past 2 years. We've been married for only 3.5 years and have a small toddler together. He started golfing with a group that had many different guys, some of which did coke, drink, or smoke.
My husband started going out every Thursday after golf which was fine. But things escalated and fast forward to these past months... I've woken in the middle of the night to find him still out... I've found coke on him 3x now and he denies it.
All this is doing is pushing me away and making me uninterested in continuing this marriage because I feel like I lost my best friend but he thinks it's my fault because I'm always mad at him. But I have plenty of reason to be in my head... I've tried just moving on and letting it go in hopes he stops... But financially it's not going well and we both make good money.
What do I do and is it really casual... I think it may be every time he goes out which sometimes can be 3x a week... ?

Last edited by Private3; 10-16-2016 at 05:01 PM. Reason: Addition
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Old 10-16-2016, 05:21 PM
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Please check your joint bank account to see if there is an unusual amount of money missing and unaccountable. I wouldn't ignore it for two seconds. Start your own secret personal stash of cash, never give him any money, hide all your jewelry and valuable possessions and never ever let him use your car. Rootin for ya.
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Old 10-16-2016, 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by neferkamichael View Post
Please check your joint bank account to see if there is an unusual amount of money missing and unaccountable. I wouldn't ignore it for two seconds. Start your own secret personal stash of cash, never give him any money, hide all your jewelry and valuable possessions and never ever let him use your car. Rootin for ya.
I have my own account, he has one, and we have a joint. I know he's not been paying his student loans of a few hundred to pay a golf membership that he missed two months now...
So I'm Definitely doing so for instance the taxes, he didn't do ours so I ended up doing them and here he's been getting much more in his pay bc he's not paying enough taxes...
Is this because he's terrible with money or using it poorly?!?
I am the type to believe in the best of everyone... I'm crushed but I know the answer I just can't grasp the why.
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Old 10-16-2016, 05:32 PM
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Wait. Did you marry my ex-husband?

Probably not, he would be in his sixties now...but wow does all that sound familiar.

By the time I asked him to leave I had found out he was doing coke regularly, smoking pot and drinking daily, and God only knows what else I didn't know. He was never home. Golf was one of the big excuses: he would leave for the "golf course" and sometimes not come home for several days.

Oh, and that $100,000 debt to the IRS was a pretty big deal to me when I found out, too. I was lucky to get out relatively unscathed financially, considering.
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Old 10-16-2016, 05:37 PM
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I am going to share my personal experience with cocaine, and maybe it will help you with your decisions.

While alcohol has always been my drug of choice, I have never met a demon quite like Mr. Coke. I started out as a casual user, about 1 or 2x's per week, and that quickly led to 3,4,5,6...nights per week. One day I woke up and realized that it had grabbed me like a thief in the night, and I needed it NOW. I got so hooked that it led to a heavy two year addiction (eventually led to smoking it), until one day I found myself banging my head against the wall (literally), as I was needing a fix. That day was my last...and I was on the edge of getting into some serious trouble. I had become a coke addict much quicker than an alcoholic, which took several years to manifest. The addiction is swift and devastating, not to mention the legal ramifications.

Please listen to your instinct, this could possibly get out of control quickly.

Blessings to you....
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Old 10-16-2016, 05:51 PM
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Originally Posted by wildflower70 View Post
I am going to share my personal experience with cocaine, and maybe it will help you with your decisions.

While alcohol has always been my drug of choice, I have never met a demon quite like Mr. Coke. I started out as a casual user, about 1 or 2x's per week, and that quickly led to 3,4,5,6...nights per week. One day I woke up and realized that it had grabbed me like a thief in the night, and I needed it NOW. I got so hooked that it led to a heavy two year addiction (eventually led to smoking it), until one day I found myself banging my head against the wall (literally), as I was needing a fix. That day was my last...and I was on the edge of getting into some serious trouble. I had become a coke addict much quicker than an alcoholic, which took several years to manifest. The addiction is swift and devastating, not to mention the legal ramifications.

Please listen to your instinct, this could possibly get out of control quickly.

Blessings to you....

I'm actually just casually sitting in the living room with him... I found it on him Tuesday and Wednesday , he was out Thursday ... Today he seems fine but disconnected. Am I going crazy? I feel like it. I mean I found it, in his wallet... Twice this week. Once again a few months ago, and on his nose in conversation before... It's happening.
I appreciate all your feedback. I'm so unsure on what to do...
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Old 10-16-2016, 06:04 PM
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Private,

Please also consider the consequences of it being around your toddler. If you were ever pulled over and it was found on him, this could jeopardize your little one. You have to decide how you feel about him doing it, but are you willing to risk your child's safety? I am asking in a concerned, caring way...please consider all aspects of the problem.
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Old 10-16-2016, 06:34 PM
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Drugs around children are unacceptable in my book. Does he ever drive your child alone?
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Old 10-16-2016, 06:38 PM
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Thank you all for you posts. I'm hurt, upset and confused. I try to eat healthy, workout, work hard... I'm pretty straight and narrow but I did dabble in things during my early twenties so I'm no fool. I feel like at a certain age with children people need to do what's in the best I interest of the children however I can understand how life is stressful and that's hard... I get it. All this time thinking about his actions has me stressed and run down .... We will see. Thank you, I appreciate the feedback and being able to vent.
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Old 10-16-2016, 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Nata1980 View Post
Drugs around children are unacceptable in my book. Does he ever drive your child alone?
Barely. The child is my responsibility. He said he'll be more involved layer 😉
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Old 10-17-2016, 03:58 AM
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Addiction is a progressive disease and usually gets worse over time.

If he is still in denial...and making you think that you're the crazy one...it's unlikely that he will be willing to stop any time soon.

I agree with the others to protect your child, and protect your finances before they are all gone.

It's a sad and painful experience to watch someone we love self-destruct. It is sadder and even more painful when the entire family has to suffer because of it.

Please take very good care of yourself and your child.

Hugs
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Old 10-17-2016, 04:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Private3 View Post

financially it's not going well and we both make good money.
What do I do and is it really casual... I think it may be every time he goes out which sometimes can be 3x a week... ?
One thing for sure, cocaine can strip away most all of a families money. I remember back 30 years ago spending 500 dollars on many weekends and I sure didn't make much money back then.

My old coke dealer (who cared not about the families he was helping to destroy) told me about one of his customers who inherited two nice paid for homes in San Diego and blew most of his money on coke within a couple of years. I'm sure that he had a lot of fake friends hanging around helping him snort his life away.

M-Bob
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Old 10-17-2016, 05:24 AM
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My opinion? You won't actually be able to ignore it for long. My sister is a recovering alcoholic and powder cocaine addict. There is nothing casual about it.
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Old 10-17-2016, 05:40 AM
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This is a terrible situation.I think you already know the answer to your original question.

In addition to the practical advice people have given- all of which is sound- are you getting any help for codependency, your mental health?

This sounds like a dangerous and sad place. All best wishes for you to have strength to make the right, albeit tough, decisions for you and your child. Repeat- for you and your child, foremost.
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Old 10-17-2016, 06:08 AM
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Private....You are not going "crazy". You aren't confused...you are dealing with addiction.
This is what it is like.
I would say that you should prepare y ourself for the worst-case scenario....for the sake of yourself and your child.
start educating yourself about addiction. get yourself a support group...like, stat! Get ready to take care of yourself.....
Keep learning and posting, here....folks here, will help you.....
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Old 10-17-2016, 12:28 PM
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there is nothing casual about his drug use. casual is that one time you are at the bar with your buddies and somebody offers you a line, and that was three years ago.

when we are carrying the dope with us, we have a problem.
when we are bringing it into the home we share with our spouse and child, we have a problem.
when we don't come home at night, we have a problem.
when we have a child, and pretend like we can put them on pause, cuz life is just sooooo stressful, we have a problem.

the problem is worse than you know or wish to imagine. by the time we catch on, things have already progressed. you need to get a grip on the finances, make sure there are funds he cannot access. check your credit score for any recently opened credit cards or credit accounts that may be in both your names, of which you are unaware. take a closer look at the bank account, more frequent ATM withdrawals, other odd/large charges at bars, places he might be getting cash back.

sadly this isn't going to go away anytime soon. he won't just up and decide to quit for you or the kid, and poof all will be well. i doubt he's golfing much. he could be up to some other "no good" that involves other women. i only say this to help prepare you - once coke enters the picture, things go off the rails really quick.
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Old 10-17-2016, 05:52 PM
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Welcome to the Board.

Short answer to your question is "no", for reasons our members have helpful elucidated. Cocaine can kill, so there is no such thing as "casual use".

Keep your eyes open, and listen to your moral compass going forward. Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 10-17-2016, 07:47 PM
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Thank you again.
Keeping my eyes open and making sure I do what's in my and my child's best interest for sure. I'm too old for this b.s. Even though I'm only 37 but we realize life is too short not to be happy. I just want to make sure I don't regret decisions I make without trying to see if I can possibly help someone I love because I did take those vows for sickness and in health. 😑
I'm not afraid to leave because we got married later in life and I had been a single mom for years and I'm successful and I owed my own home, paid for my sons child care, he's now a few years older and in grade school than the toddler I have with my husband.
Has anyone ever used a PI to find out more information to really solidify the details of you AH behavior outside the home?
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Old 10-17-2016, 07:54 PM
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Private...you know what you know. At this point, you aren't sure you want to believe it, but you do know. There is no need to spend money on a PI to prove to you what you already know. (((HUGS)))
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Old 10-17-2016, 08:07 PM
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You are right. It's like I'm trying to convince myself more. It's like a nightmare. I wonder how we got here😓. Though for custody sake, in a divorce, do you need to have more evidence thus a PI would be needed?
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