.. Already? Come on!
 

..... After completing rehab this week, sadly I think he's using already. I have no proof. Just a gut feeling. I don't know how to approach this, I have no idea. You hate to accuse if your wrong and even if you knew for sure..... It's just such an awful subject to approach. Like "okay I think you've relapsed, let's pick the pieces back up" that sounds like a reasonable approach but dealing with a heroin addicted person is never that easy. There is a lot of denial and manipulation before you get to the truth. I haven't found anything around the house, not a signal sign but he hasn't been sleeping since rehab and his whole personality has changed again. I can't explain it, but I'm sure you all know what I mean. When he's not using he's kind and gentile, soft spoken and very modest and humble. When he is using he becomes someone else, full of confidence, cocky, voice changes and suddenly the world is a joke, he can't stop talking and his whole face looks different. I can't explain it but I'm always dead on because the man he is when not using is so so so different from him on heroin. It's actually nuts to me that something can change you so much. His pupils look small to me, in rehab and the days after he was so bright eyes. His big gorgeous eyes were so bright, yesterday and today they are much different. I know what your thinking "if his eyes are pinned he must be high"! But he has every excuse. So are yours!! It's the sun!, it's the lighting, it's he's tired..... Everything other than the obvious. I can't even begin to express the dread I feel of approaching this subject to him. I know he will deny and it's infuriating because I want to scream how I know the truth and I want to help...... I feel like people are waiting for him To fail so they can say "see I told you they never get better" like he's not even a person at all, but he is to me. I'd do anything and everything to help him..... I just can't believe after the awful detox and all of the hope that a few days later he's right back at it! I don't think I'm wrong here.... I just need to figure out how to approach him. I feel so much pressure from his family.... I hate to break their hearts and tell them that I don't think he's okay but at the Same time I'm struggling too..... I am invested in this too and my heart is killing me. I feel so much pressure over dealing with them too.. Like they expect me to save him because I'm his fiancé. His family and I are super close but I'm always the bearer of bad news... The one who has to face them and tell them the truth because I can't look at them and lie. This drug is the devil on earth...:a043:

So sorry, Nelly.

Ironically, my very first post here on SR was titled "How Do I Approach AH?" I was in the same boat you are in. Here is the link. It helped spark the beginning of the shift in my mindset. I think it will help you to read.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...proach-ah.html

You don't have to approach him...just observe. More will be revealed. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Have you considered attending Al anon or nar anon? They can be great face-to-face support.

Sounds like you are likely correct. If you still have a doubt, you could wait just a bit, because as I am sure you know, it will soon be transparently apparent. I hate that you are going through this and he also. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him better. That is all up to him. You will just have to decide if you are going along for the ride. Again, sorry you both have to face either side of the issue.

I just checked out your linked post and it was a great read. Helpful and so relatable. I can see myself in that. I think I have come farther but that is also where I started. I wonder where you are now in your journey?

Thelyoness83 -- Glad it helped! Well, much has happened since then... More came to light, more active addiction, AH was told to leave, etc... But through it all I have learned to detach lovingly, refocus my focus where it needed to be all along, and learned much about myself in the process. I have learned that it is okay to say no, set boundaries, and take care of/love myself. I've learned it is not possible to control anyone else, and this detachment has brought me much more peace than I had back when writing that initial post.

To get into the technicalities, AH and I are slowly getting into the realm of living together again, but he is also rebuilding his life - getting a job, getting treatment while I am in counseling as well as active in small group at my church. This community that I have surrounded myself with has been very important. I am naturally introverted, so it took much effort to force myself into community, but I don't regret it one second.

I hope this helps.

Thanks for all of the kind words and advice. I think perhaps I should wait to see how things play out. As we know all too well, the truth comes out and when it comes crashing down on you so fast you would swear the walls were closing in on you. It's just so hard for me to "fake it" and act like I'm not thinking he's high.... It's an instant feeling of devastation every time you call and he sounds high, or you look over at him and his face is suddenly drooping. It's like a knife in you... Really it's the worse pain. Even worse when you've had a twinge of hope... Like seeing him in rehab and believing with all of your heart that he can overcome this and hearing all of the apologies you've been owed. I love him so much, I wish he could feel an ounce of that love towards himself. I think waiting is the best approach and observing. I don't have to solve the worlds problems tonight. I just am so scared of an overdose with his new lowered tolerance.... Scary scary

Sending you a hug.

Sending you a hug. I realized XAH relapsed after my son's cough syrup disappeared (mind you, XAH was the one who obtained said cough syrup from pediatrician, when DS had pneumonia and did not even need it). Once I thought of it - he was "off" right after rehab, weird behaviour, not looking for a job right away, not eating. I cannot describe the feeling, but I asked him not to come back (he was staying with the friend after rehab). He was in two rehabs back to back (eloped from the first one), I paid serious money down for each one, and here he was, two weeks later, chugging down DSs medicine because it had codeine in it.

Be strong - and don't tie your self worth to his being sober or not. Nothing you can do about it - time to detach.

I just can't believe after the awful detox and all of the hope that a few days later he's right back at it!

Addiction is:

Cunning
Baffling
Powerful

Recovery LOOKS like Recovery
Using LOOKS like Using

you don't NEED to approach him....if he is using, HE knows that. and it will be up to him to make choices to continue or to quit.

i'm sorry you feel pressure from his family. you are NOT his savior. that is not your job. you can't FIX this for him. NO ONE can......
nor must you be the spokesperson or the town crier alerting others to his situation. try to remove yourself from that position.....

you are invested and it DOES hurt. which is why you MUST take care of you with the same zeal as you have for him. more actually.

Wow thanks for that. I never really could grasp the fact that I don't have to face his family. I mean it's so much pressure. His mom is like a mom to me, and she would go to the end of the earth for her kids. She loves him with every ounce of her and I see the pain in her eyes and the heartache she feels. We have shared so much throughout his addiction, the worrying the pain and the trying to save him. She went through so much when he deployed overseas and only to have him return home and battle addiction, she's been through the ringer and I know she comes from a place of love but sometimes it's so hard on be to be there for everyone. I'm always trying to help, to mediate their fights and be a strong voice of reason, but I need help to Yano? I try to be everything to everyone and then when I'm alone I cry... Alone. It's almost like I feel if I weren't so strong things would fall apart. I need to make sure I study hard in school (I'm 8 months from my masters degree) I need to make sure I work hard Incase he blows all of his money we need to pay our bills! so I work double shifts through my already draining school schedule, and on top of that I have to do this all through worry and tears and anxiety. They day he went to rehab I couldn't go, I had to work a 12 hour shift that day and it killed me.... The whole drive to work I fought the tears because I knew I couldn't fall apart. I have to face the day and be strong. He helps, he pays the bills too almost entirely but I'm always afraid any day he can lose his amazing job and I'll need to pick up the pieces.

I just don't know how to remove myself from being the town crier because because we're such a close family.... They know everything and him mom is constantly asking me how he is, asking if I'm lying, or covering. Which I would never, trust me it's been the cause of many arguments between him and I... But I refuse to cover up bad behavior, if he was high I can't lie because I feel that isn't doing him any good and I want his mom to be aware of the situation too because I need help handling him sometimes. It's a tough call, but none the less immense pressure on my part

What a terrible feeling it can be to be the detective. The personality changes you explain are something I know well. The pupil checks were something I did on a nightly basis until he started catching on and getting defensive. The thing is, people who are not in his life in the way that you are (his friends, family, etc.) will not see the manifestation like you do. That was so frustrating to me until I realized his choices are not my responsibility and I have no control over them. The first time I could tell he had used I gave it a little time to collect my thoughts and be calm. When we were alone and he seemed calm as well I asked "Did you take something today?" He sat quiet a minute and responded "Yes, I got two pain killers from a guy at work" Instead of giving a lecture I asked him how he felt about it so I could get a feel of where he was at. Sometimes he would make it out to be not a be deal. This particular time he expressed shame (I believe it to be authentic) but the shame wasn't enough to stop him from spiraling. When I asked him about it this time (unlike times in the past) I was giving him all the room to talk and only gathering information for myself. Once I stopped obsessing over his using and taking care of myself while observing his actions I began to see things differently and the anxiety I had while being a 'detective' went away. I became stronger.

enmeshment can be mistaken for 'closeness' - everyone crosses over everyone else's boundaries and it starts to look like a demolition derby.

detachment is the key, but it is a difficult concept to fully grasp and to enact.

excerpt from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation:

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.

Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway. Most family members of an addicted person have been trying to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.

Understood this way, detachment with love plants the seeds of helping an addict with recovery. When we refuse to take responsibility for other people's alcohol or drug use, we allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why mommy missed the school play, we do not have to lie. Instead, we can say, "I don't know why she wasn't here. You'll have to ask her."

Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety. When we threaten to leave someone, we're usually tuned in to someone else's feelings. We operate on raw emotion. We say things for shock value. Our words arise from blind reaction, not thoughtful choice.

Detaching with love offers another option—responding to others based on thought rather than anxiety. For instance, as parents we set limits for our children even when this angers them. We choose what we think is best over the long term, looking past the children's immediate emotional reaction.

In this sense, detachment with love can apply whenever we have an emotional attachment to someone-family or friend, addicted or sober. The key is to stop being responsible for others and be responsible to them—and to ourselves.

To me it sound like you need to take care of yourself by going to alanon or naranon. A dysfunctional dance is being danced and for your well being it needs to end. You have no control over him and he is recovery is his recovery. He may be using or not but that is something only he can control