How should I approach AH?
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How should I approach AH?
Hi, everyone. First poster here. I have read many posts already and am thankful that this forum exists for those of us who have loved ones with this disease. To give a brief background my AH has been snorting percs for the past year and also taking unprescribed adderal for ADHD symptoms. He has since began an outpatient suboxone rehab program (about 1.5 moths ago) that he is still participating in. However, without having to go into detail, I suspect he may be using again. I've decided to confront him this evening about it, and would really appreciate some advice on how to go about it. I would love to hear from an addict in recovery if possible to know what approach did or would have worked best for you from a loved one. He already knows I am here for him, he knows that I understand this disease and the grip of it that he is trying to escape, and I don't want to push him further backward through this initial recovery phase. But I do need to let him know that I pretty much know he is using again. Thank you so much for you guys' help with this!
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confrontation is a tricky thing.
IF he is using, he knows that and will most likely deny it. at least at first. he may even get hostile, as in HOW DARE you even THINK that? blah blah blah.
if he is NOT using and says he is not, HOW WILL YOU KNOW which is the truth?
that you suspect he's using again is really all you need.....it's ok to trust your gut now, your spidey senses. what would you hope to achieve in this confrontation?
IF he is using, he knows that and will most likely deny it. at least at first. he may even get hostile, as in HOW DARE you even THINK that? blah blah blah.
if he is NOT using and says he is not, HOW WILL YOU KNOW which is the truth?
that you suspect he's using again is really all you need.....it's ok to trust your gut now, your spidey senses. what would you hope to achieve in this confrontation?
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I think for too long I was naive about his drug use. My thought was to let him know I am not naive about this anymore, he is not going to pull the wool over my eyes anymore, I know what to look for, he can't hide his use from me anymore, that I'm "on to him" and it's not okay and I'm not going to accept it. Idk...This is his first attempt at sobriety, like any loved one my worst fear is relapse, although I know it's almost expected. If he has relapsed I want to bring it to light in *hopes* that it would get him back on track.
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Really tough spot to be in. I feel for you.
I was obsessed with the idea of "confronting" my fiance with all the "evidence" I had gathered just so he would know that I knew.
I wouldn't say that I found it beneficial for me to tell him that I knew he was using. It's worth a try, but I didn't get anything out of it.
..... Instead, I got sucked into many arguments, felt guilty, doubted my own experiences. It is no way to live!
I have learned to drop any expectations I have about him reacting in a positive way to a conversation involving the words Sober or Recovery. He knows what he is doing. Trust yourself, preserve yourself.
Writing him letters and not sending them is what works best for me. I can keep track of my emotions, keep a record of reality, without getting my thoughts interrupted by his manipulative garbage.
I was obsessed with the idea of "confronting" my fiance with all the "evidence" I had gathered just so he would know that I knew.
I wouldn't say that I found it beneficial for me to tell him that I knew he was using. It's worth a try, but I didn't get anything out of it.
..... Instead, I got sucked into many arguments, felt guilty, doubted my own experiences. It is no way to live!
I have learned to drop any expectations I have about him reacting in a positive way to a conversation involving the words Sober or Recovery. He knows what he is doing. Trust yourself, preserve yourself.
Writing him letters and not sending them is what works best for me. I can keep track of my emotions, keep a record of reality, without getting my thoughts interrupted by his manipulative garbage.
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do you have boundaries about what you will do if he keeps using?
certainly you can approach him and express concern and suspicion that he has been using drugs and that you hope/pray/want him to stop NOW and get back on the recovery bus.
and he can say no. he may still be at least 51% wanting to use, instead of at least 51% wanting to quit and stay quit. relapses are hard to come out of, you think oh man, i got this, just a little bit more and THEN i'll quit.
you have to decide how much of HIS stuff you are willing to put up with - active addiction and the insanity and insecurity it brings - repeated stops and starts trying to quit - or belief that is a one time only "slip" and he is solidly back on the road to recovery and doing EVERYTHING in his power to seek and find recovery support and staying quit.
Using looks like Using.
Recovery looks like Recovery.
certainly you can approach him and express concern and suspicion that he has been using drugs and that you hope/pray/want him to stop NOW and get back on the recovery bus.
and he can say no. he may still be at least 51% wanting to use, instead of at least 51% wanting to quit and stay quit. relapses are hard to come out of, you think oh man, i got this, just a little bit more and THEN i'll quit.
you have to decide how much of HIS stuff you are willing to put up with - active addiction and the insanity and insecurity it brings - repeated stops and starts trying to quit - or belief that is a one time only "slip" and he is solidly back on the road to recovery and doing EVERYTHING in his power to seek and find recovery support and staying quit.
Using looks like Using.
Recovery looks like Recovery.
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FCA - Thanks for the advice. Really helps to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation! This is all new to me (just found out about it about 2 months ago) and we all know how it can be very touch and go. Thanks for the guidance!
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Anvil - Thanks for all the advice. Honestly at this point I don't know what my plan of action would be. Sadly I found out about his addiction just after giving birth to our first baby which was very recently. The guilt I feel at the thought of my baby growing up with parents who aren't together is heartbreaking. I grew up in a stable household and was blessed with a great upbringing. I want nothing less for our child and feel guilty and truly heartbroken that he may not get that - which is what he deserves. That being said it is very hard right now for me to wrap my brain around leaving. I am still hopeful for his recovery, while also knowing not to get my hopes up.
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Hope, I really feel for you. When I found out my AH was using, I was a couple months pregnant with our first.. he was high when our baby was born nearly 2 yrs ago, and he's high right now. It's been a rollercoaster in between.
I too come from a very stable, loving home, and I want that SO MUCH for our child.
In the world I come from, words mean something. Rational conversation often sorts things out. And it was like that with my husband too, before the drug use began.
So for the first 18 months after his relapse, I thought that what I did, how I responded, what I said, and the way I said it, would mean something, or have some kind of influence.
Now I find myself in this place where words (mine and his) are meaningless. It's surreal.
It took me awhile to grasp that there is no recovery unless the addict really, truly wants it. But it's taken me waaaay longer to understand that NOTHING I do or say can MAKE him truly want it.
This is just my experience, and yours may be different. My husband is/was a lifelong addict with a couple years of sobriety when we met.. Sounds like your husband's addiction is relatively recent, which gives him a much better shot, according to stuff I've read.
Sending prayers and hugs your way! Snuggle that baby, they grow up too fast!!
I too come from a very stable, loving home, and I want that SO MUCH for our child.
In the world I come from, words mean something. Rational conversation often sorts things out. And it was like that with my husband too, before the drug use began.
So for the first 18 months after his relapse, I thought that what I did, how I responded, what I said, and the way I said it, would mean something, or have some kind of influence.
Now I find myself in this place where words (mine and his) are meaningless. It's surreal.
It took me awhile to grasp that there is no recovery unless the addict really, truly wants it. But it's taken me waaaay longer to understand that NOTHING I do or say can MAKE him truly want it.
This is just my experience, and yours may be different. My husband is/was a lifelong addict with a couple years of sobriety when we met.. Sounds like your husband's addiction is relatively recent, which gives him a much better shot, according to stuff I've read.
Sending prayers and hugs your way! Snuggle that baby, they grow up too fast!!
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Addict in recovery here (3+ years off opiates - mainly H at the end). When my wife used to confront me about using when I was supposedly clean I would do what Anvil mentioned - Deny, Lie, and Alibi. It was so ridiculous looking back on it now, but I was not going to quit until I wanted to quit. The lies became so outrageous, but I held to them. Even when she would find pills or a stamp bag or whatever I would say oh those are old - I must have forgotten about those. Failed pee test - oh that has to be wrong I am not using (I got wise to those and started to cheat the system). Maybe when I was finally dead to rights I would admit to it just to get her off my back. Shed a few tears and say I promise to do better. I promise to try harder. It is just so hard you don't understand.
I am not saying everyone is like that. I was in pretty bad shape by that point. It did get to the point where she stopped confronting me about it because she just knew it was going to be a lie anyway. Very sick cycle to be in. Ignoring the giant elephant in the room. Unhealthy way to live.
If he is on suboxone and truly taking it daily (which he could abuse as well) he shouldn't get much of anything out of the percs, but again you get put into detective mode. There is no easy way to approach it.
I guess the one thing that didn't work in the beginning was when she went into attack mode (which she had every right to do). If she was calmer and expressed her concern and how it was negatively affecting her / our relationship (that doesn't mean pussyfooting about the issue) a few words might get through or at least stick in my head a bit longer. Honestly though if I wanted to use I was going to use no matter what she said. Active addiction turned me into a selfish A-HOLE unfortunately. You eventually just have to start protecting yourself and your own sanity. Good Luck and take care of yourself!!!
I am not saying everyone is like that. I was in pretty bad shape by that point. It did get to the point where she stopped confronting me about it because she just knew it was going to be a lie anyway. Very sick cycle to be in. Ignoring the giant elephant in the room. Unhealthy way to live.
If he is on suboxone and truly taking it daily (which he could abuse as well) he shouldn't get much of anything out of the percs, but again you get put into detective mode. There is no easy way to approach it.
I guess the one thing that didn't work in the beginning was when she went into attack mode (which she had every right to do). If she was calmer and expressed her concern and how it was negatively affecting her / our relationship (that doesn't mean pussyfooting about the issue) a few words might get through or at least stick in my head a bit longer. Honestly though if I wanted to use I was going to use no matter what she said. Active addiction turned me into a selfish A-HOLE unfortunately. You eventually just have to start protecting yourself and your own sanity. Good Luck and take care of yourself!!!
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Thank you so much, Ella. I am really hoping he has a good shot at beating this. Like you've said, I can want it all day long, but he has to want it for it to really happen. Compared to much that I've read, he hasn't escalated near to what others have experienced with their addicted loved ones. But I do know an addict is an addict and that is always a possibility. I feel like if it were just him and I, I could somehow make it through the loss of us separating if it ever came to that. But now I am making decisions for two (myself and our baby) which as you know adds a huge other element. They sure do grow fast! And are such a blessing 
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Marcus -- This is exactly what I was looking for. Thank you for your honesty, and congratulations to you on your sobriety! That is awesome. It gives me hope hearing of your success. He is on suboxone treatment, I do see/watch him take the suboxone (not every time) and I have read that it's virtually impossible to get that high feeling from opiates while on suboxone. I do know he is getting the suboxone Rx (I pay for it and often pick it up from pharmacy) and is going to the appts (I call and check). But you hit the nail on the head with the "detective mode" comment. I have definitely been in detective mode and find myself going through his stuff (bathroom bags, pants pockets, wallet, etc) when he isn't around and every time end up shaking my head thinking "Is this going to be my life forever?" I do understand that what it comes down to is he is going to use if he wants to, point blank. That's a very hard concept to accept, but I get it. No matter what I find, what evidence I come across, it's up to him. He may feel guilty for a second (I assume?) but the craving will take him back over. I may wait for now. I did learn long ago, though, that explosive confrontation isn't the way to deal with anything, especially this! So if and when I do confront him it will be in a loving way while also letting him know what's I'm not willing to deal with anymore. Thanks, again!!
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I spent a long time searching for the "perfect" way to confront my ex about his drinking. I agonized over what perfect combination of words, tone of voice and logic would get him to see the light.
Needless to say, I never found it. I've come to see those kinds of confrontations as giving someone an engraved invitation to lie to me. Like Marcus said, the lies and excuses get bigger and more ridiculous. Every bottle was an old bottle, or left by someone else (or even planted by me to make him look bad), all the slurring and staggering was from tiredness or allergy medicine or pills from the VA. The smell of alcohol was mouthwash, strong tea or "something the neighbor gave him."
As the lies and excuses got crazier, his rage at being questioned grew as well.
I realize now that I always knew the truth, even when I asked. I was just so desperate for what I knew to be wrong that I kept asking anyway.
I didn't think he should get away with lying to my face. But now I see that he really didn't get away with anything. He's still damaging his body, mind and life. His lies to me were insignificant when compared to the lies he has to tell himself to continue with his addiction.
I wanted to keep our family together. Now I see that exposing children to an active alcoholic in denial means that they are already living in a broken home.
Whether he's using or sober, more will be revealed. The best way to help both of you is to get into a program yourself like Naranon or Alanon. Celebrate Recovery also has a program for families. Since you have a baby, they offer childcare, which I know can be an obstacle to attending meetings.
Hugs to you and your sweet baby. We are here for you.
Needless to say, I never found it. I've come to see those kinds of confrontations as giving someone an engraved invitation to lie to me. Like Marcus said, the lies and excuses get bigger and more ridiculous. Every bottle was an old bottle, or left by someone else (or even planted by me to make him look bad), all the slurring and staggering was from tiredness or allergy medicine or pills from the VA. The smell of alcohol was mouthwash, strong tea or "something the neighbor gave him."
As the lies and excuses got crazier, his rage at being questioned grew as well.
I realize now that I always knew the truth, even when I asked. I was just so desperate for what I knew to be wrong that I kept asking anyway.
I didn't think he should get away with lying to my face. But now I see that he really didn't get away with anything. He's still damaging his body, mind and life. His lies to me were insignificant when compared to the lies he has to tell himself to continue with his addiction.
I wanted to keep our family together. Now I see that exposing children to an active alcoholic in denial means that they are already living in a broken home.
Whether he's using or sober, more will be revealed. The best way to help both of you is to get into a program yourself like Naranon or Alanon. Celebrate Recovery also has a program for families. Since you have a baby, they offer childcare, which I know can be an obstacle to attending meetings.
Hugs to you and your sweet baby. We are here for you.
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Ladyscribbler - thanks for the response! It helps knowing I am not alone in going through this and feeling how I am. You're right, I want for him to be able to honestly tell me that anything I find or am suspicious about is not really due to him relapsing. But, let's be honest. What comes out of his mouth can't be trusted. So I think I've realized that if I'm asking him about these things it's really not doing any good. He may tell me he's not using, which will temporarily put me at ease, but I may never reeallyy know.
I am going to look into programs in our area. I hadn't yet heard of celebrate recovery - that might be the one for me! Thank you, again! It's nice to not feel so alone in all this
I am going to look into programs in our area. I hadn't yet heard of celebrate recovery - that might be the one for me! Thank you, again! It's nice to not feel so alone in all this
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
I spent a long time searching for the "perfect" way to confront my ex about his drinking. I agonized over what perfect combination of words, tone of voice and logic would get him to see the light.
Needless to say, I never found it. I've come to see those kinds of confrontations as giving someone an engraved invitation to lie to me. Like Marcus said, the lies and excuses get bigger and more ridiculous. Every bottle was an old bottle, or left by someone else (or even planted by me to make him look bad), all the slurring and staggering was from tiredness or allergy medicine or pills from the VA. The smell of alcohol was mouthwash, strong tea or "something the neighbor gave him."
As the lies and excuses got crazier, his rage at being questioned grew as well.
I realize now that I always knew the truth, even when I asked. I was just so desperate for what I knew to be wrong that I kept asking anyway.
I didn't think he should get away with lying to my face. But now I see that he really didn't get away with anything. He's still damaging his body, mind and life. His lies to me were insignificant when compared to the lies he has to tell himself to continue with his addiction.
I wanted to keep our family together. Now I see that exposing children to an active alcoholic in denial means that they are already living in a broken home.
Whether he's using or sober, more will be revealed. The best way to help both of you is to get into a program yourself like Naranon or Alanon. Celebrate Recovery also has a program for families. Since you have a baby, they offer childcare, which I know can be an obstacle to attending meetings.
Hugs to you and your sweet baby. We are here for you.
Needless to say, I never found it. I've come to see those kinds of confrontations as giving someone an engraved invitation to lie to me. Like Marcus said, the lies and excuses get bigger and more ridiculous. Every bottle was an old bottle, or left by someone else (or even planted by me to make him look bad), all the slurring and staggering was from tiredness or allergy medicine or pills from the VA. The smell of alcohol was mouthwash, strong tea or "something the neighbor gave him."
As the lies and excuses got crazier, his rage at being questioned grew as well.
I realize now that I always knew the truth, even when I asked. I was just so desperate for what I knew to be wrong that I kept asking anyway.
I didn't think he should get away with lying to my face. But now I see that he really didn't get away with anything. He's still damaging his body, mind and life. His lies to me were insignificant when compared to the lies he has to tell himself to continue with his addiction.
I wanted to keep our family together. Now I see that exposing children to an active alcoholic in denial means that they are already living in a broken home.
Whether he's using or sober, more will be revealed. The best way to help both of you is to get into a program yourself like Naranon or Alanon. Celebrate Recovery also has a program for families. Since you have a baby, they offer childcare, which I know can be an obstacle to attending meetings.
Hugs to you and your sweet baby. We are here for you.
I had to jump in on this one. So much of this post rings true for me.
No matter what I say or how I say it, it has the same ending. Never made a bit of difference. He always gets enraged at being questioned. I also didn't think he should get away with lying, in the end, it's not going to change anything.
A bottle of pills went missing from my aunts house the week before I found out he was using again in May. He had been there the previous week but denied it. I had found a burned spoon in my drawer during a relapse back in November. I then checked all of them and saw no others. Two weeks ago I found a second even more burned spoon. Two nights ago, he went on this little rampage about how he can't believe someone is doing this to him. Someone's setting him up with the pills and the spoons. Then it was that I must be doing it to him. I'm burning my spoons to make him look bad.
Which is completely insane. BUT, the big thing here is, it's makes me get on the defensive. I start defending myself and how ridiculous it is to say I would even do that, and now the focus is sort of off of him. That's a huge things with my addict, the deflecting and putting me on the defense. Which makes me more irate than words can say. Actually, it makes me hate him a little more each time. Which could be helpful for me.
I luckily was engaged but did not marry him. Although I tried very hard to get pregnant last year it wasn't possible. I wish I had a baby but I'm glad there's no baby involved in the situation. I hope you can find what works for you and for your baby. This is such a good place to be because people do understand, they've been where you are, so you feel less alone and insane and know that you can be open without feeling judged.
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Thanks, Melissa! Very helpful. Isn't it crazy what they come up with... I really think they believe their own stories. And I think they think WE believe their stories... Ugh! After hearing from you and others I feel like bringing it up may potentially push our progress back (him get mad/defensive/etc) so maybe I won't bring it up for now. Like everyone else says, he will either deny, be defensive, or admit he is using, but none of that will cause change until HE wants it. I think I get it now.
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I remember once when my ABF was set up in a hotel room that I paid for - the day before he was to go to detox....
I was to go out of town. Planned everything out to a T. Money for food, cab, numbers etc. My flight was delayed so I left the airport (had called but he did not answer). I stopped in to the hotel. I buzzed and knocked ... over and over. He finally came to the door. Looking not as I expected.
I pieced things together - and all was revealed before the end of his detox period.
He had called his 'cousin' as soon as I left that morning. She went to get H with the money that I had given him. He had no intention of going to detox. When I entered the room, he had gotten her out of there. But forgot to clean up quick. Sitting on the counter were two spoons, two sodas, some food his daughter brought to him. Seeing that he had spent everything that I gave him on drugs.
I asked who had been there and he said 'no one'. I asked why there were two spoons on opposite sides of the counter and one chair on each side too ... 'he said that the one that he had wasn't working so he tried another.
And since that is what I wanted to hear even tho I could see that most likely she had been there .... I dropped it.
Funny what the mind does when the heart wants to remain blind to the truth.
I wish no one had to have that feeling. Ever. It's heartbreaking.
I was to go out of town. Planned everything out to a T. Money for food, cab, numbers etc. My flight was delayed so I left the airport (had called but he did not answer). I stopped in to the hotel. I buzzed and knocked ... over and over. He finally came to the door. Looking not as I expected.
I pieced things together - and all was revealed before the end of his detox period.
He had called his 'cousin' as soon as I left that morning. She went to get H with the money that I had given him. He had no intention of going to detox. When I entered the room, he had gotten her out of there. But forgot to clean up quick. Sitting on the counter were two spoons, two sodas, some food his daughter brought to him. Seeing that he had spent everything that I gave him on drugs.
I asked who had been there and he said 'no one'. I asked why there were two spoons on opposite sides of the counter and one chair on each side too ... 'he said that the one that he had wasn't working so he tried another.
And since that is what I wanted to hear even tho I could see that most likely she had been there .... I dropped it.
Funny what the mind does when the heart wants to remain blind to the truth.
I wish no one had to have that feeling. Ever. It's heartbreaking.
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"Funny what the mind does when the heart wants to remain blind to the truth."
THIS. So true. So frustrating. Achieving the balance between trying to remain hopeful (heart) while remaining realistic (mind) is nearly impossible and will drive you crazy. That is this roller coaster we are on I guess when we have a life with an addicted loved one. For now I will remain supportive and focus on his accomplishments. I will TRY to let go of the "detective" in me because what will happen will happen regardless of how much I bring up or how much I may question him. Thank you, JOIE, for sharing your story and offering your advice. What a terrible thing for you to have to ever go through! It really feels awful to be hopeful and then have your good heart be taken for granted without a second thought... I hope you are doing well now!
THIS. So true. So frustrating. Achieving the balance between trying to remain hopeful (heart) while remaining realistic (mind) is nearly impossible and will drive you crazy. That is this roller coaster we are on I guess when we have a life with an addicted loved one. For now I will remain supportive and focus on his accomplishments. I will TRY to let go of the "detective" in me because what will happen will happen regardless of how much I bring up or how much I may question him. Thank you, JOIE, for sharing your story and offering your advice. What a terrible thing for you to have to ever go through! It really feels awful to be hopeful and then have your good heart be taken for granted without a second thought... I hope you are doing well now!
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I survived and found out that I was even stronger than I could have imagined and yet it was so nearly impossible to walk away.
He loved me as best he could given a horrible addiction. Ran the scale from a to z. Everything that you could think of.
The denial is great and yet sometimes I knew what was going on and chose to ignore it because it's just what they do. Trying not to take it personal but my heart felt every pain. Disappointment. Mistrust.
He's gone and I miss him. Passed away in March.
Wish no one ever felt this.
He loved me as best he could given a horrible addiction. Ran the scale from a to z. Everything that you could think of.
The denial is great and yet sometimes I knew what was going on and chose to ignore it because it's just what they do. Trying not to take it personal but my heart felt every pain. Disappointment. Mistrust.
He's gone and I miss him. Passed away in March.
Wish no one ever felt this.
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From my experience, trust your instinct. Mine has always been correct.
Confrontation has never been hard for me, however, what will you do if he is?
Keep reading the forums, we are all here for you. Sending big hugs your way.
Confrontation has never been hard for me, however, what will you do if he is?
Keep reading the forums, we are all here for you. Sending big hugs your way.
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