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-   -   Finalizing divorce. I hate heroin. (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/389402-finalizing-divorce-i-hate-heroin.html)

ella213 04-12-2016 10:14 PM

Finalizing divorce. I hate heroin.
 
I feel like I'm going to throw up. He begged me not to complete the divorce because he wants there to still be a chance for our family, but I filed the final paperwork today.

I feel awful, I still love him, he's the father of my child and (truly) a victim in many ways.. maybe I should have waited???! But wait for what, exactly?? And I've already waited so long. Given so many chances, alternatives, ultimatums. I even deferred divorce proceedings for a 28-day inpatient, which drained the last of our financial resources.. He relapsed within a few days and refused to follow up with Vivitrol or IOP/meetings like he promised.

Since then, he's wired himself $ from my credit card, forged my signature on a check from a closed account, cashed his entire paycheck which was supposed to be used for a down payment on a new place (I've been begging him to move out for many months).

He recently switched from smoking heroin to shooting it, and he's taking the week off work because his bosses are suspicious of his bizarre behavior and random illnesses.. he doesn't want to get drug tested before his Suboxone appointment (that I forced him to make). He's a VERY good employee otherwise, so they put up with crap (or have so far).

Our 2 yr old says "Dada is sick, he needs to sleep." I can't even begin to list all the heartbreaking interactions between them.

His communication with me is a mix of apology and self pity. Example.. "I have to spend the rest of my life knowing I caused this divorce." "I don't think I can continue living with the knowledge of all the pain I've caused." His thinly veiled suicide threats are terrifying.. I don't think he'd follow through but I can't assume! And just being a heroin addict puts him on the verge of death every day. My poor daughter!!!! My ignorance of the true nature of addiction means she has to live with this insanity as long as her father is in her life.

I want him out of the house so badly but I think it may come down to eviction proceedings. Every day is a nightmare, and unpredictable/confusing for the baby. How can I detach with love when he's living in the guest bedroom? When I never know what new way he'll think of to rob me blind? I sleep with my laptop so he won't pawn it.

Even so, I'm tempted to idealize our marriage (??!) so I'm consciously trying to remember things as they really were. Constant worry on my part, anger and deception on his. Never knowing whether he was lying, even on good days. Covering for him. Praying for God to change his heart. Rejoicing when we had a nice time as a family, despite walking on eggshells.

Honestly, most of the good times were when he was high. He'd tell me I looked pretty, he'd play with the baby and even say she was "so cute"... I almost wanted him to use, so I wasn't in limbo trying to anticipate his mood. When he was high, I could relax and bask in my self-righteous bitterness. So much nicer than uncertainty and fear, but just as unhealthy.

I guess this was more of a rant than a question, but I want there to be a record of reality. Thanks for listening, and for just being there. SR has been a lifesaver for me.

Ann 04-13-2016 04:54 AM

I am sorry, Ella, this must be a painful time for you and your child. Also painful for him, but he has choices and keeps making bad ones.

When we have to sleep with our valuables, the time is right to make the thief leave our home.

It is painful to end any relationship, but that pain will lessen with time. Have you talked to your lawyer about getting him to leave your home? If he is on the lease or deed, he may be entitled to stay in which case you may want to cut your losses and find your peace by just leaving yourself with your child.

It's a terrible time for you right now but hopefully, better days are ahead.

Hugs

Ariesagain 04-13-2016 04:59 AM

I'm so sorry.

ladyboo 04-13-2016 05:12 AM

so very sorry, Ella.....very sad situation....

hopeful4 04-13-2016 07:21 AM

I am so sorry. I can only say that just because you realize that you cannot be with someone does not mean that the caring goes away. And that is totally fine. He is in a toxic place and all you can do at this point in my opinion is to move forward and turn him over to God.

Many hugs.

AnvilheadII 04-13-2016 09:59 AM

it's good you can so clearly speak to what you "miss" and what you really were dealing with. it's tough when our idols fall off their shelves, and smash into clay bits at our feet. but it is critical that we DO see things are they truly ARE and also as they truly WERE.

Honestly, most of the good times were when he was high. He'd tell me I looked pretty, he'd play with the baby and even say she was "so cute"... think about that, he was HIGH when he was playing with your child. and you almost wish he would GET high again.........that is how far we will go in our heads trying to negotiate a way to live with the unacceptable.

you did the right thing. rarely is that the easier softer way.

glitterdeva 04-13-2016 09:59 AM

I am sorry you are going through this. I understand this pain, as I took am going through divorce with my soon to be ex husband, heroin user as well. I am fortunate that he does not live in the house, its been over a month. Yes, it is very hard to detach and leave when he is in the house. Please maybe talk to your lawyer to see if he can evicted. I know you feel horrible doing it, but this is toxic. I didn't realize how toxic until my ex left (on his own accords for a binge run). Do everything in your power to remove him, he wont leave himself. Plus, if he is shooting, forget it, he is not a human right now, not someone you can agree and expect to follow through wtih.

ghost99 05-18-2016 01:17 PM

I understand what you are saying. Opiod abusers can be easier to be with when their high. Calm, easygoing, etc. However, like AnvilHead said, 'you are doing the right thing' and the right thing is not easy.

Firesong 05-24-2016 10:56 PM


Originally Posted by hopeful4 (Post 5902671)
I am so sorry. I can only say that just because you realize that you cannot be with someone does not mean that the caring goes away. And that is totally fine. He is in a toxic place and all you can do at this point in my opinion is to move forward and turn him over to God.

Many hugs.

I am glad you posted that, hopeful4, and I'm glad I came here tonight and read it. I haven't been here in weeks, and I don't want to hijack this thread. I am trying to move forward from my own situation (friendship with a recovering addict), so there has been no reason for me to come here since I'm no longer technically a friend.
We don't stop loving them when we stop living with them.
It's like they're addicted to their doc and we become addicted to them. Are we addicted to them, or to having someone to care for, or do we become addicted to the need to have someone to "take care of"? But we can't.
What we can do is what hopeful4 says, turn them over to God and pray for them (and for ourselves).


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