Not sure where to start
 

I'm really stuck as to what should do. I'm pretty unhappily married with two young children.
My husband has had drug problems in the past and has been abusive to me.
I really thought about 2 years ago he had stopped using and I gave him my trust.
But in the last 2 years I've caught him out using again. He flat out denies it, usually until the next day and then swears it's the last time.

This weekend, he didn't come home. So of course I jumped to conclusions and he is furious at me. He's threatening to leave me, because of my not trusting him. Which I find unfair as the last time I caught him using was a month ago.
I just feel like I've put up with so much over the last few years, and the abuse and lack of support is getting to me.
I'm not in the position to leave as I have two young children and don't want to put them in a situation where I'm struggling to put food on the table.

He's suggested we go to counselling. A) for his issues and B) for my nagging and trust issues.
I've agreed to go, but he just can't see my issues stem from his behaviour.

Lola...

Welcome to the Board. I'm really sorry for what has brought you here. But you've found a good place, and I'm happy you took that big step to post. Others will be by to greet you in due course, but until they do, I'd like to share with you my thoughts.

Spousal abuse, whether it is emotional or physical, is simply unacceptable. There is nothing you could ever do to warrant that kind of abuse. It is not your fault. It is his fault.

Sadly, Lola, we see this from time to time here at FFSA. When that kind of behavior is convolved with drug addiction, it's simply awful...for the loved one, and for any children who are caught in the middle of it.

We have a lot of women who've been through the wringer with abusive husbands. I will defer to them, their wisdom, and their strength. But I'll leave you with this: if you feel that you are physically at risk, do not hesitate to call 911.

I have also included a link that may be of interest to you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html

We're in your corner, and we'll support you in any way you believe to be helpful. Please be safe, and again, Welcome to the Board.

I've been physically and emotionally abused. I had a 10 month old when my husband began physically abusing me. He was a heroin addict in recovery, and on steroids. The abuse continued off and on for two years until an altercation took place outside where a neighbor called the cops. He was arrested, I went to my sisters for a week. Went back to him to which he had 100% changed, him going to jail that day was the best thing. Except I lived in fear daily that it was going to happen again and my daughter was then 3 and old enough to learn if witnessed it, if it did happen ever again. My fear of the past and guilt of holding it over his head ultimately won, I left him after a picture perfect year. We worked on things states apart and eventually a year later I felt my forgiveness set in and ready for the fresh start, was ready to go back to him. Drove my 4 year old back home to daddy. So excited I did that 24 hour drive straight. Got home to my husband dead on the bathroom floor. Od'd shooting heroin hours before we arrived. He had relapsed when I left him the year prior and fought sobriety, as he had subxs. in a shirt pocket in our closet. Crazy how things end up. Life I tell ya...

Addiction is tough, add abuse which sadly goes hand and hand with addicts being in altered minds. Do what's best for you. Hugs it's not easy. I'd struggle to keep food on the table if it meant keeping myself and my children safe. Children will respect and grow up better able to trust, knowing you were strong and kept them safe. Keep that in mind.

Lola- i wasnt physically abused but 100% emotionally. It hurts so deep inside and hurts even worse to know that my 2 daughters ( 11 and 3) were witnessing it all. 2 months ago i hit my limit and kicked him out. I suspected drug use but he ALWAYS denied it. For a month he stayed at his moms. When we did talk i could tell that he was using. I also struggled with " should i risk it". Eventually- i gave the ultimatum- get help or get out. Now a month into him being away in treatment- my house, my kids , myself is CALM! no screaming at 6:30 in the morning, no more punching holes in the walls- just PEACEFUL! And yes, i AM struggling to put food on the table, but i have a very supportive family- both his and mine that help us. But, even if i didnt have their help- i would still choose to struggle rather than live in fear and emitional hell any longer.

Dont give up. Take care of YOU and your babies. They need you. Big hugs

He's suggested we go to counselling. A) for his issues and B) for my nagging and trust issues.

We had a thread on this subject over in F&F of Alcoholics not too long ago. Good article and discussion on what "working on issues" really means in a situation like this.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ut-i-dont.html

There's also a really good book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft that explains the dynamic more in depth. I didn't read it until after I left my ex, but it was an eye-opener all the same.
Hugs to you and your kids. It sounds like your husband is still in active addiction and just looking for ways to deflect blame and distract from his behavior. I think that "counseling" is just another delay tactic because he's not ready to quit using. What you know about is probably just the tip of the iceberg.

Welcome Lola! I'm so glad you found us. I hope you will find this a useful website. There are many supportive people here and lots of information.

If you can get to an alanon meeting they can be super helpful. Of course they aren't for everyone but worth a try. You will find you have many similarities and differences with folks here. Take care of yourself and your kids. Post as much as you want!!

"Sure, dear. I'd be happy to go talk to a counselor about your drug issues and how it affects my trust levels when I've caught you lying and my anxiety about co-parenting two young children with a drug user. You go ahead and make the appointment. Tell me when. I'll be there. Good idea!"

I don't know how the users in our lives know with pinpoint accuracy what things to say that will hit us in our most vulnerable places - maybe they carry the info they learned from when they were not using and we used to have real conversations and shared hopes and fears. I guarantee if you call him on this and keep asking when your counseling appointment is, you'll hear that he's changed his mind or that he doesn't need it, only you do. In which case you can say, "Yep, maybe I do need to talk to someone about our issues - drugs and trust. Okay. I'll go. You pay for the babysitter."