Liveitwell

Hey yall-just wanted to pass on another great article/resource passed on to me via my divorce support group. It's another in regards to assessing change and what an abuser needs to do to change (if change is real, etc). I think this is such a valuable topic and so important as so many if us have dealt with the manipulations, games and downright lies of an addict that it's important to keep our eyes open and arm ourselves with knowledge!

Anyway, article is here-it's a great read!

He Wants To Try, But I Don?t | Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling

Peace to y'all today-one day closer to Friday!

honeypig

FoG, what a phenomenal article--I copied it and saved it in my recovery folder. It does such a great job of explaining why the "cart before the horse" approach that so many of us enter into ends up not working, and why that approach just leads to more of the same treatment down the road for us. We work harder and harder to placate THEM, continuing to ignore ourselves, our lives, our needs, and they continue to get a free ride, using our human imperfections as the excuse for abuse, control and other unacceptable behavior.

Thanks for that link!

Kboys

Thanks for that FoG
It was validating to me

I don't know how many times I heard from AH something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, and I'll try to change, BUT you have things you need to change too... I get so angry BECAUSE of your attitude, or BECAUSE I miss you when you fall asleep in the kids' room."

And I continually TRIED to be "better" and not have an "attitude" that he didn't like, etc. Happy happy, all the time... no matter how sh1tty I'm being treated. Yay! But it was never good enough for him, and no matter what I did, something I did... or somebody else did... would end up "forcing him" to drink and/or get mad.

There were times I thought he was showing true remorse, and had even verbalized that he knew he needed to be the one to change first... but that never lasted long.

ladyscribbler

Yes! Exactly what Honeypig said. They turn "working on the relationship" into a trap. "Trying" or "working on it" are just more sophisticated forms of manipulation. They bait the hook by saying they'll change, then keep you tied in knots striving for that unattainable ideal while they get to sit back and criticize YOUR progress, using your failure to be perfect as an excuse for continued bad behavior.
And kboys, I wasted so much time trying to be perfect so that my ex wouldn't "have to" drink. But something always set him off. A lot of times it was so ridiculous that it would have been laughable if it hadn't been so scary. Once he came home from work and I was up in the bedroom reading and shut off the light when I was finished. I had no idea he was outside, but he saw the light go off. He saved that resentment for like a week, stewing and brewing and grumbling and then finally tore into me about how I had "rejected" him by shutting off the bedroom light when he was right outside to see it. How he knew that it meant I didn't want him up there with me and all kinds of other random craziness. I was speechless from the sheer insanity of that one.
Really glad I escaped that trap. I didn't even have to chew off my own leg- though it was something I considered at several points. Especially after the "lights out" incident.

Liveitwell

KBoys-every.single.word. I get it-yep-same for me. Lady-yep-my ex got mad at me one night (for God knows what-he was drunk) and locked me out of the house in the backyard-stated at me through the door with evil eyes and laughed a menacing laugh. F'ing crazy. Seriously. All I got after his "oh I've changed by going to rehab for 8 days" was the "you're not perfect either, you're no angel, you need to make a decision, etc". So I did! I decided to see him as the monster he was, the liar, the con artist, the bully and walk away. Knowledge like this was crucial to me powering myself enought to know he was fill of ****-which he's only proven over and over and over that was absolutely the case! It's so very important we remember this-and the newbies or anyone questioning "should I give him another chance" truly understands this stuff.

ladyscribbler

And this is just me being silly, but I remember how thrilled I was that he got that job. (OK, I got him the job). I really thought that was going to be the answer to everything, lol. All it did was make it so that he had money to drink more often. Every payday became like a mini version of his big 1st of the month bender.
So my helping to improve his life really just progressed his alcoholism. Funny how that works.

Liveitwell

Lady-lol. You crack me up. Didn't you know YOU caused all this?!?

Kboys

Yes! here too. Mine was unemployed for two years, after an injury that left him unable to work for six months, so he milked it as long as he could.... and it was during that time I started to realize he had a real problem... but "if only he could get a job... he wouldn't need to drink so much!" I thought. Hahaha! The job only progressed it, like you said...

I brought him the flyer for the job he ended up getting, which he threw back in my face every time the "dumb asses" at work caused him to drink.
Because, ya know, if I just would have never pressured him to get a job and brought him that flyer... he wouldn't be so stressed by his job and be so angry about it!


"you're not perfect either, you're no angel,"

And FoG... Don't know how many times I heard those exact words^^^

Gaaaaahhhh!!!
I'm getting a little worked up now...

HoldOnLoosely

Interesting article.

The last paragraph summed up my life the past couple of months. So, I guess my husband still has a wayyys to go. It doesn't matter anyway. I finally decided on a physical separation. No more roller coaster ride.

Kboys

This makes me think of a similar incident...
I was upstairs putting the kids to sleep, and he was waiting downstairs for me. He heard me get up when the kids fell asleep and go into the bathroom to brush my teeth... so I hear him stomping up the stairs, then he says, "do you really hate me that much?! I'm waiting for you and you were just going to go to bed?!"
So I tried to explain to him that no, I wasn't going to go to bed, I was just brushing my teeth before I came down...
But of course that was "just an excuse!" and he went on and on with his drunk ridiculousness, woke up the kids, and then he decided he needed to go to the bar, since I hated him so much anyway...

You're right, these things would have been laughable if they weren't so scary.

ladyscribbler

I keep forgetting. It's been so long since someone blamed me for all of their problems.

mylifeismine

Thanks for sharing! Incredible insight.

Lilro

Omg For. Your headline scared the pants off of me!! I'm thinking " awwww, hell no!" Lol.
I will read the article now... Lol

Redheadsusie

Wow - brings back memories of my AH. I was feeling sad yesterday that I am alone but I'm grateful I can read these reminders to remember how it was when he lived here and how I was constantly walking on eggshells or being attacked for doing simple little things. Thank you

Kboys

Haha... I was thinking the same thing!

Liveitwell

Ro and Kboys-I did not think about that!! Yikes-sorry, ladies.

hopeful4

I so wish I had a divorce group like yours. So cool.

Great article!