I guess if he doesn't like it then he will start threatening divorce.

THINK about that statement....if he doesn't "get any" than it's time to DIVORCE? bit extreme eh? but i think it shines a harsh light on how he SEES you......and how stunted his emotional development is.

even if you caved, gave him what he "wanted" it wouldn't be enough...it wouldn't make everything ok......he'd find something else to be dissatisfied about, some other fault or failing of yours. and continue to punish you for not meeting his every need and demand.

addictive thinking is all about MORE.....reaching and grasping for the next THING that will fill the void. like pouring water thru a sieve. and that attitude doesn't stop when the drugs do.

Since I'm the only guy on this thread, I want to comment on this:

This is not the behavior of a healthy adult male. It is the behavior of a petulant, immature teenager. That being said, it doesn't surprise me. Never mind the fact that his addiction has taken ginormous toll on your marriage and you. Never mind the fact that you feel vulnerable and not safe with him in an intimate situation. It's all about him and what he wants. SR decorum precludes me from saying what I really think. Suffice to say when men pull this act on women, they should be shown the door.

RAH is still not speaking to me. Last night I mentioned my temporary crown came off and I was in pain. He said "okay". Nothing else. I went to bed without saying good night. Then this morning he mentioned I went to bed without saying good night. He asked me why and I told him I don't want to talk about it in front of the boys. Then he sends me this text on my way to work.

"There has been 0 effort on your part again since we talked on Saturday. Not even a text, extra hug or anything. I can't be the only one to make an effort. So I can't act like it's not upsetting to me and talk to you about your day, etc. I told you I love you and miss you but I'm human and I can't be the only one trying."

I don't even know how to respond to this. I understand his point of view but he still isn't accepting of my feelings. Why would I put an effort in when he isn't sensitive to my feelings and ignores me for 4 days? I'm confused
This is all because I told him I'm not ready to be intimate.

It goes deeper than that.

At the heart of any worthwhile sexual intimacy is trust and being emotionally safe with the person you're with. When addiction is present in a marriage, trust and emotional safety go out the window, and that's because the addict operates on one set of rules, while the non-addict operates on another. What his behavior should be telling you is at this time, he is not capable of empathizing with your needs. It doesn't matter how emotionally vulnerable you are. He expects you to meet his needs, and that's because he feels entitled. This tells me while he may be abstaining from using, he's not in recovery. Not by a long shot.

Sex needs to be more about the physical act. It needs to be about the connection with that person and the faith and trust we have in that person. Without connection, faith and trust, sex means nothing.

Hold firm on your boundaries. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with.

Sorry you have to go through this.

Listen to Zoso....he is spot on!

At this point, Mama, I think if you both want to learn to communicate effectively and sensitively, you need to investigate marriage counseling. A neutral third party to provide a safe environment for you both to express your feelings and listen to each other. I can't say it will save your marriage, but it's not getting better by itself, and it sounds like neither of you know what to try next.

From what you report, it sounds like he is singularly interested in sex and as long as you are not providing it he will continue to inform you that you are failing him. Your feelings, needs, wants -- they don't seem to be a factor here. A counselor may be able to help with that better than an internet forum. If that is what you want, of course.

"There has been 0 effort on your part again since we talked on Saturday. Not even a text, extra hug or anything. I can't be the only one to make an effort. So I can't act like it's not upsetting to me and talk to you about your day, etc. I told you I love you and miss you but I'm human and I can't be the only one trying."

TRANSLATION: I can't believe you turned me down when I wanted to have sex. I don't care what YOUR reasons are, I'm still waiting to be serviced. Until such time I will continue to punish/manipulate you with the Silent Treatment and refuse to engage in any other meaningful grown up interactions. And I REALLY don't give a sh!t about YOUR day, or YOUR pain, or how YOU feel, those are completely irrelevant to MY needs.

I agree about counseling. However I can't stand to be in the same room with him. It's awful....I feel terrible about it but it's true. We've been to therapy before once for 6 months right before we got married, then again 3 years ago for another 8 months. I don't think I have the energy to do it again. Our marriage won't fix itself and I'm not willing to go to therapy with him, so maybe it's time to end this.

Glad I'm not a wife. I would have told him to go f*** his dope.

I was going to suggest go listen to Pink's "U + Ur Hand"...

Have you told him this?

Just read through this thread. I just want to say, please, be true to yourself.....in the long run, you'll feel better.

Yes well sort of. I told him I was having a hard time letting go of the pain and it is hard for me to let my guard down and be close to him. He said I have to do something about it. Start showing him affection etc...I told him I can't fake it so I can't do it right now. I told him I am working on it in therapy.

Maybe it is.

He's right to say you need to do something about it. He's wrong to think of prescribing to you the steps you need to fix your hurts.

Seems very clear 1) he isn't in recovery 2) he doesn't seem to acknowledge or empathize with your feelings or needs at all. Zero.

Doesn't sound like a recipe for success mama.

I'm coming to realize this. And if it's not this it will be something else in the future. 3 years ago when we were having issues he forbid me to go to my friend's Bachelorette party. He said he would do something stupid or divorce me. I still went and of course he didn't speak to me for days...I really thought he would change, that people change but I guess at the core people don't really change. Someone told me past patterns predict the future. Do you think so?

He's always been controlling, jealous, insecure...so I guess it makes him feel better about himself when he can convince me to do things his,way

Your first responsibility is to be true to yourself. This does not come naturally to many of us codependent types.

Take your time, be honest, and ask for what you need. This might not be okay with your husband. Try to be okay with him not being okay (easier said than done.). And sadly many relationships can not be fixed.

... and the fact that he's still trying means he hasn't begun attacking the root problem, the absence of serenity.

I say that not in judgment, but because I know how difficult it has been, and sometimes still is, for me, a recent beginner on the road of recovery.

Don't cede control over to him. Do what is right for you.