So sick to my stomach

Old 01-16-2016, 02:16 PM
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So sick to my stomach

After last weekend my RAH has been showing me a lot of affection, sending me sweet text messages, telling me how much he loves me. He's been cuddling with me and I've been open to it but sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. I still have my guard up and I can't seem to relax and accept all his affection.
So today he sent me a text that he couldn't wait to be intimate with me. It made me uncomfortable so I didn't respond. He asked me later if I read the text and I told him yes I read it. He said... well? Why didn't you respond to my text? I was honest when normally I would have made up an excuse for not responding to a text. I told him I didn't respond because it made me uncomfortable. I told him...I'm just not there yet to be intimate. He got angry and said...I'm your husband, I'm tired of you saying the same ****. Normally I would have fought back and defend myself but I just didn't have it in me. My stomach is in knots. We haven't spoken since.
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Old 01-16-2016, 02:26 PM
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what an insensitive selfish jerk. i mean i get it, nobody likes to be turned down , but we are grown ups now and that's how it goes sometimes. i'm sorry, you have EVERY RIGHT to say no. even to your husband.
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Old 01-16-2016, 03:01 PM
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I agree with Anvil, that was insensitive, selfish and mean.

I think I would have replied "THAT's why I am not in the mood".

You not only have the right to say no, but you are doing the right thing to get yourself together and relaxed enough to take the next step. You get to choose when you will be ready. Duty sex doesn't do anyone any good and that seems to be what he is looking for.

Take your time, there is nothing wrong with needing to work things through. If counseling would help, then maybe try it, alone or with him if he agrees.

You are worthy of love and respect, until that comes in a genuine caring way, then take your time and don't feel forced into anything.

Hugs
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Old 01-16-2016, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
what an insensitive selfish jerk. i mean i get it, nobody likes to be turned down , but we are grown ups now and that's how it goes sometimes. i'm sorry, you have EVERY RIGHT to say no. even to your husband.
I told him I'm sorry because I know it's hard when we haven't been together for over a year. I told him a lot has happened over the past year and I'm having trouble letting it go. I don't want to blame his relapse but it is part of my disconnect. He just got angry and started yelling I haven't put it one effort to rebuild our marriage. That he is putting in every effort to work on himself and I'm doing nothing. He doesn't accept the fact I have my recovery from codependency I'm working on. He days it shouldn't matter and I should be trying to get close to him. But I just can't bring myself to be close to him again.
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Old 01-16-2016, 03:09 PM
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Mama, there is a lot of damage done in these situations, sometimes it can be repaired and sometimes it cannot. Each situation is different and it takes time to decide if and how you want to work on repairing it.

As I see it, he's working his recovery? and you're working yours, and that's a good start. But that's about each of you healing yourselves and learning a healthier way to live...only when you are both well, will the relationship become healthy again or the decision to end it will be more obvious.

I'm no marriage counselor, but I know the raw feelings and lack of trust, regardless of the relationship.

I hope you have better days ahead.

Hugs
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Old 01-16-2016, 03:52 PM
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Painful situation for both of you. I think you did good being honest. Feels to me like he's mighty frustrated. I do understand because if he has those feelings, in a marriage, a year is a long time. I hope you will consider marriage counseling. Maybe it would help him better unseratand you too? You did nothing wrong, its a difficult place your at.
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Old 01-16-2016, 04:52 PM
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Hi Mama, of course his relapse has affected your relationship. Most men seem to think that intimacy makes things better, whereas for women things have to get better before they feel like becoming intimate.

His anger won't be helping the situation. If you go into intimacy feeling forced or coerced it won't be enjoyable for you, and might make the situation worse.

The fact that he tells you your work on yourself 'shouldn't matter' isn't a good sign. He's dismissing what's important to you and your recovery because he wants his own needs met.

Frankly he seems to be putting his needs ahead of yours all the way and falling back on 'I'm your husband', meaning he feels he has rights over your body. If you get to the point where you dread physical contact, the future for your marriage isn't good, and you may want to think about a permanent separation.

I speak from personal experience because in my own marriage I realised it wasn't viable when I knew I would never enjoy sex with my husband again.
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Old 01-16-2016, 06:26 PM
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I think Ann and Anvil have knocked it out of the park.

FeelingGreat:

Frankly he seems to be putting his needs ahead of yours all the way and falling back on 'I'm your husband', meaning he feels he has rights over your body.
That sounds spot on to me, too. All I'll add is something my mentor taught me a long time ago:

Never give anyone a piece of you if you don't want them to have it.

Be safe.
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Old 01-16-2016, 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz View Post
He just got angry and started yelling I haven't put it one effort to rebuild our marriage. That he is putting in every effort to work on himself and I'm doing nothing. .
That is typical addict-speak and manipulation. Doesn't matter that he's not using; that's only the first step in recovery.

My disease is threefold: physical, emotional, and spiritual.

Once I started addressing all three areas, I began to really start changing and healing.

Gentle hugs to you from Kansas.
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Old 01-17-2016, 04:26 AM
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You know what never helped anyone get better, ever? Shame and judgment. Please stop feeling guilty for not recovering fast enough for your husband. Please stop telling yourself it is your fault. Please stop letting his frustration railroad you into feeling like it is anything but perfectly normal that you don't trust him enough for intimacy right now. You deserve a partner you can trust who wants you to be the best you possible.
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
You know what never helped anyone get better, ever? Shame and judgment. Please stop feeling guilty for not recovering fast enough for your husband. Please stop telling yourself it is your fault. Please stop letting his frustration railroad you into feeling like it is anything but perfectly normal that you don't trust him enough for intimacy right now. You deserve a partner you can trust who wants you to be the best you possible.
Cold shoulder this morning, no eye contact, one word answers. He is mad. Part of me wants to tell him I'm sorry and hug him but I'm feeling that's only encouraging his behavior??? If I do nothing he will tell me I don't even care. What am I suppose to do?
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:25 AM
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Well, they say if you want to see how "recovered" an addict is, tell him "No."

He's going to have to deal with his own emotions. Too bad so sad if he doesn't agree with you.
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:31 AM
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[QUOTE biminiblue;5745757]Well, they say if you want to see how "recovered" an addict is, tell him "No."

He's going to have to deal with his own emotions. Too bad so sad if he doesn't agree with you.[/QUOTE]

So you think he isn't recovered? He hasn't been to a meeting in 2 weeks. He dropped his sponsor 6 weeks ago and said he was seeking another "Old timer as his sponsor, but hasn't done so. He started a new job 2 weeks ago so maybe things are too chaotic to fit in a meeting? I would think you would want the extra support during this time. Idk
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:37 AM
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mo3b .... is your intuition telling you something ? idk, seems like something may not be quite right with him dropping sponsor and meetings.
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:45 AM
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Originally Posted by JOIE12 View Post
mo3b .... is your intuition telling you something ? idk, seems like something may not be quite right with him dropping sponsor and meetings.
yes...The 19 years he was clean only 2 of those years did he attend meetings and have a sponsor. I thought that was just "his program"
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:51 AM
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understood.

Is it possible that you need some sort of acknowledgement from him that what occurred ... hurt you ?

Is it possible that you could ask him to 'cuddle' with you and not expect anything more until you are ready ? that things will happen when you are able to handle more ?

I felt that way when things had happened with my ex husband ... I needed to be able to say when, where, how much ... it was part of the trust issue. He wouldn't comply but I tried. And felt peaceful afterwards. You have a right to your own destiny. I needed mine to understand that he hurt me, deeply. Tho he was never able to give me that.
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:53 AM
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Focus on you.

What are YOU feeling, what do YOU need, what is the best thing for YOU.

You will never be able to manage someone else's moods by doing or saying the "right" thing and you will destroy your own wellbeing if you try.

You are not responsible for his feelings. It is not your job to make him happy. You are responsible for YOU, and you alone, just like all other adults.
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by JOIE12 View Post
understood.

Is it possible that you need some sort of acknowledgement from him that what occurred ... hurt you ?

Is it possible that you could ask him to 'cuddle' with you and not expect anything more until you are ready ? that things will happen when you are able to handle more ?

I felt that way when things had happened with my ex husband ... I needed to be able to say when, where, how much ... it was part of the trust issue. He wouldn't comply but I tried. And felt peaceful afterwards. You have a right to your own destiny. I needed mine to understand that he hurt me, deeply. Tho he was never able to give me that.
Honestly I don't even know how to get close to him again. It feels like an aversion to me.
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Old 01-17-2016, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Focus on you.

What are YOU feeling, what do YOU need, what is the best thing for YOU.

You will never be able to manage someone else's moods by doing or saying the "right" thing and you will destroy your own wellbeing if you try.

You are not responsible for his feelings. It is not your job to make him happy. You are responsible for YOU, and you alone, just like all other adults.
Thank you for this. I'm understanding this more and more. I guess if he doesn't like it then he will start threatening divorce.
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Old 01-17-2016, 09:01 AM
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I've been there. Sometimes things are just broken. You cannot force healing. It has a way of taking and making it's own time.

I spent time talking about my feelings, fears, trust issues - it helped me realize what was at the root of my 'avoidance'. Are you able to write a letter to him (one that will not be given to him) ? or a note to the wounded part of you ?
You can private message me if you wish.
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