hard decisions
 

Hi everyone. I’ve been reading posts on here for a few weeks now and even though I’ve never actually posted, your insight and wisdom have been very helpful. It’s amazing how so many of us can go through such similar experiences and internal struggles—I seriously could mistake half of the posts to be written by myself.

I’m here because my ex boyfriend is addicted to oxycodone/heroin. Although he’s my ex, we never cut contact and still see each other sometimes. He really wants to get back together and wants to show me he’s trying to quit. He wants my support and to work through this as a team. I’ve been at war between my head and heart for over 6 months and know it’s time to make a decision. We can’t stay in this limbo phase any longer because it’s become very painful and confusing for both of us.

He was never verbally/physically abusive and has a lot of potential. He’s smart, has a good job, is talented, and handsome. However, the drugs turned him into a diminished version of himself and I wasn’t happy and fulfilled in the relationship. I couldn’t go through the roller coaster of lies and emotions and anymore. I also don’t know if I can ever trust him again and fear that if we get back together then the worst case scenarios will unfold. How can I envision a future with marriage and kids when I’m in constant fear that he’ll continuously relapse and lie? I’ve been very honest with him about these concerns and we've had countless conversations on the topic.

The addiction has left him depressed and he’s also supported financially by his parents. I’m financially secure and have started to resent how much his parents support/enable him. He also has other habits that he knows I don’t want to put up with anymore (cigarettes and weed). He says that the break up has made him realize all he has lost to drugs. He feels that if he gets the opiate addiction under control then everything else will fall into place--he can work on healthier habits and becoming more financially secure, etc. I just know it’s not that simple. There’s always the possibility of relapse and he may never quit his other habits. Drugs aside, what if the depression and enabling from his parents are also life-long?

Taking everything I’ve said into consideration and also knowing that he needs to seek help, he decided to tell one of his family members (addiction runs in the family). He started seeing a therapist but doesn’t want to go to rehab. He believes that showing me he’s trying through his actions and change in behavior are enough for now. Though he respects my point of view and sees where I’m coming from, he thinks I have a pessimistic view of this all. He says he's been clean for 3 months and has made some important steps. He thinks I should take a leap of faith because if we fight the early stages of quitting together then our love will only go stronger. He also believes that it will become easier to fight as time goes on. He swears that he will never be a husband/father that uses drugs, and that with patience we can work towards the kind of relationship we both want.

I know that deep down he wants to quit. We do have a real connection and some of the best moments of my life were with him. But aside from my concerns for the future, I'm also worried about how waiting for things to change will effect my present happiness. It's hard to be supportive and feel fulfilled from the relationship while having these pressing issues and thoughts on my mind. It's also hard to let love in when you feel somewhat detached and that you can't trust the person. He wants so badly for me to let this guard down.

I’m in my mid twenties and am currently pursing my masters degree. I'm a very goal oriented person and have a good head on my shoulders. While the rest of my life is together, this relationship is the one thing that leaves me feeling weak. I feel like an insane person because though I have realistic concerns and certain instincts, I still find it hard to let go. Some days I tell myself I need to snap out of this indecision- to just end it and avoid a life of pain and empty promises. Other days I fear losing him. If we end things completely now, then how will we ever know where all these conversations and realizations can lead us? What if he is the rare exception and come out of this on the other side? What if we really can have a bright future together? What's the harm in holding on a little longer, and if nothing changes I can just leave once and for all? It’s hard knowing what the logical decision is while also having human emotions at the same time. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to find here but believe it will give me good insight and strength. Thanks for listening

Welcome, Red, I'm glad you joined us.

This isn't a teamwork thing here, and "trying" may not be enough.

You sound like a bright lady who can see where this is heading and who has dreams of graduating and one day getting married and having children. Addiction has no place in those dreams.

If he really wants to get clean and stay clean, why not leave a lot of space between you while he works on that and you work on your career and future plans. His actions, over time, will tell you much more than his words ever could.

I hope you find your peace with all this and stay on your own good path.

Hugs

He unfortunaly has to face his demons and win. Addiction is a terrible demon that can only be beaten by the addict. Good luck

Like Ann wrote, you seem like you have it together. Addicts tend to attach themselves to certain kinds of people. Driven, responsible, dependable, intelligent, independent, financially responsible .... there is a reason for that. You have probably read enough to see that life with an addict is always about them. No matter how good they are or sweet, romantic and promising you exactly what you need to hear .... they are incapable. I always had hope for a future. It kept me going. Helping. Losing a piece of myself each day. I miss him but i miss 'me' more. Self preservation takes over at some point and there's no turning back. If he wanted to quit, he would have. You will know when you are ready but until then, please take care of yourself. Keep coming back to SR, read other forums - it helps a lot to know you are not alone. Hugs for you Red :)

If his parents support him, he isn't making it in the real world on his own.
Like Ann says, recovery is a solo thing and you can't do it with him or for him.

Three months is a drop in the bucket, and even that is without the pressure of making a living.


Trust your instinct on this. Seems like you already see the writing on the wall but are reluctant to say it.

Oh how I can relate to this.

You are smart, I can tell. You have your sh*t together. Follow your instincts on this, no matter how hard it is. Picture your life married to an addict, having a family with him. You know the danger in that. The potential disastrous results. You will likely always fear relapse, wonder if he is lying, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Do you really want to live like that?

Now picture yourself getting your Master's, building a good life for yourself, and meeting a guy you really like who isn't an addict. Doesn't that sound nice?

It's true, his recovery is NOT a team effort. Saying that is a manipulation tactic. Addicts talk a big talk but they rarely do what they say they're going to do. If you really want to hang on to the hope he will recover, give yourself some space and see what he accomplishes on his own. Focus on yourself, finishing school, coming here and whatever else you can do for support, and then see how you feel.

Joie, those words describe perfectly what could be the turning point for many here.

:tyou

Red

My girlfriend of 3 years is also a heroin/oxy addict (6 years). She's in recovery for the first time in her life, with 60 days clean, also by far the longest in her life.

She maintained for a long, long time (the entire time she had been actively using actually) that she could get clean without the help of rehab, 12 step programs and like. I'm afraid it never worked. Staying clean is different than being in recovery. If someone is not in recovery, I think their chances of staying clean long term are slim to none. You have not mentioned how long he's been an addict, but if it's many months or even years, and the drugs are heroin/oxy, this won't work without being in a program. Therapy's nice, but he needs more than that. I'm surprised the therapist doesn't tell him to go to meetings.

The problem is that you can't make him go in recovery. He has to want to do that.

I believe he's sincere about wanting to stay clean, but I don't think that's terribly meaningful. I most sincerely want to play guitar. The problem is that I'm unwilling to do the hard work of learning how to play, practicing for hours every day, taking lessons, etc., etc. So no matter how badly I want to play guitar, I never will until I'm willing to do the work. If your boyfriend is not willing to do the work to get into and stay in recovery, it will never work (long term).

None of the above posts mention anything about boundaries. I'm a big fan of boundaries. For example, I won't live with my girlfriend if she's using or failing to stay in recovery. That's my choice. I get to decide who to live with. She can do whatever she wants, obviously, but I also get to be in charge of my own life.

You can set boundaries too. Obviously, they have to be right for you. For example, you might feel (I'm not saying you should) that you don't want to get back together with your boyfriend unless he gets into a formal program, and stops trying to fly solo. That's making a decision about how you want to live your life. How he lives his life remains up to him. Again, it's just an example.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with staying in a relationship with an addict. I'm staying in a relationship with my girlfriend. But I'm allowed to set certain basic terms for the relationship and I do so. If they're not acceptable to her, she's free to go her own way. You're allowed to set basic terms for your relationship too. If he can't or won't live up to them, he's made his choice.

I'll just say what I really want to say and that is RUN. Check back with him in about a year if you want to and see if he has done any real work and then make a decision. I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. In my case it is my son.

Laurel

I set boundaries when I decided to stay with my AXBF. It is necessary. But really, I didn't mention that because I think you should save yourself and get out now. There, I said it.

Find my posts and read my story up until this point and you will prove all your own concerns. Your too smart for this. I think you see what he's doing here. He's trying to convince you and himself this is really your problem and it's not. Your only going to end up co-dependent like his parents are. He has to do the hard work and go into recovery and maintain first.

thank you all for your replies (tough love included).

joie- you're right and i need to focus on myself. over the past few months i've been focusing on school, trying to be healthier, etc. when we first broke up i was a wreck, but now i'm definitely focusing more on my needs and thinking more logically. a ton of research and reflecting has also brought me to this point. the longer i stay, the more burdened/inconvenienced i feel about the relationship having to focus on him. it's all about him! but in his eyes, it's always been about me because we're constantly addressing my emotions and how his issues effect me. he thinks its fine to express how i feel (and he cares about how i feel), but says that i never consider his feelings or what he's going through. he thinks i should also think about "him" and "us" and not just me.

andy-he's been using for a few years now (maybe 2-3 days a week at the most). he just started seeing the therapist about a month ago and he did tell him to go to meetings. he said he's only been to one. you make a good point with your guitar analogy... and also thank you for pointing out that trying to stay clean is different then recovery.

hawkeye- you hit the nail on the head because i know the reality of the situation and the possibility of where it's heading, but I still choose to see him and talk to him. it's hard to completely cut ties. and even knowing what i know, its tempting to try to give into certain feelings and hopes when i'm with him.

hope- no, i don't want to live in constant fear. and honestly i don't ever see my concerns going away...i think it will be very hard to throw them out the window.

waiting for hope- thank you and i will read up on your story. i know i'm too smart for this. and i think i knew a lot of you would pick up on the fact that i have my life together and that i really know where this whole situation can be heading if i stay. reading posts on here about painful stories with marriages and kids is mostly what lead me to my fears of the future and reluctance to start one with him.

i think i came here because i need to gather that extra bit of strength and motivation to allow myself to let go. i feel like i'm on the brink of doing it but then make myself take a step back. but i know what i need to do. your stories and advice are very helpful and giving me the encouragement i need so thank you.

You have way too much of a future ahead of you to be in a relationship like this. It will lead to a future of heartache and potentially financial ruin. Listen to your brain, not your heart. Look at actions, not words.

XXX

Your going to take steps forward and back. Your dealing with two things at once here: addiction and the loss of a valued relationship. Your strong then you feel weak then strong again. Let yourself grieve for all of it.

Hi Red0321.... I really don't know what to say to you. If you read my posts - I have been on this rollercoaster ride with my partner for years. I am always lulled into a false sense of security by his words - he professes undying love - can't live without me - this time it will be better.... but so far all pies in the sky. And my partner too is an extremely likeable, successful business man - my recent posts have resulted in members on boards - replying with some hard hitting 'stuff'. Leaves me reeling - as I have always believed that despite his addiction - he truly loves me - and we can make it work... but now I don't know.....

I think the advice from the others is spot on - take this time out - to work on yourself - don't get lost in his addiction.

God Bless you

Lara- that’s what makes the decision hard…the potential they have and how much they keep confessing their love. and also knowing that it may be very hard to feel that certain connection and attraction to someone again. he has chronic issues but we do have certain things that can't be so easily replaced.

he's been trying to win me over for many months now—trying to have nice hang outs/dates, giving me more affection (or other things he knows i felt were lacking before), telling me all the things he wants for our future. And all the ways he plans to quit. All this time he’s been just trying to get me to just take that leap of faith and give him “one more chance”. He says that if I’m not happy after some time and don’t see any changes, that I can leave him for good. He thinks what’s the point in ending it now? We’ve been hanging on for all these months now and he wants the chance to prove certain things to me… he thinks ending it before even trying again is a true shame because he's serious about everything he's saying. also it was playing with his hopes that we can be together again.

He’s started to resent that I haven’t just decided to be his gf already and support him through this. He said that if I truly love him like I say I do, then I wouldn’t be waiting on the sidelines and would be by his side. He thinks that right now is the hardest time in his addiction and I should be there for him. He’s also going through the worst low point in his life…not only because of his addiction and our relationship, but he’s also going through hard issues with a family member and at work. He expresses how depressed he is and how he just wants to get out of this hole that he fell into. He says that he wants a girl who will go through any hard times with him. He thinks that me staying by his side will not only show the love I have for him, but will also help him get through certain things to a certain extent. i'm sure you've all heard this all before and i wish it was that easy.

Red,

I'm late getting to this thread. Welcome to the Board.

As others like Ann have pointed out, a "team" approach to recovery isn't possible. I suspect that his idea of a "team" is you two getting back together, he gets to continue whatever it is he does, and you just deal with it

Well, it sounds to me like your head is screwed on straight here. But it's also worth pointing out that just because you've had countless conversations on the topic doesn't mean he's absorbed what you've told him. He probably hasn't.

Congratulations on pursuing graduate studies. I finished my Masters in the spring of 2013. I can tell you from personal experience that going to graduate school while dealing with an addict doesn't really work. There comes a point that you go to study or do homework and then you realize you don't have anything in the tank. And it kind of sneaks up on you, too. After my AXGF removed herself from the picture, I was able to finish graduate school strong.

I have nieces and nephews your age. If one of them were in your spot, I would tell them not to allow anything to derail them from pursuing their graduate studies. I can't tell you not to have anything to do with your AXBF. But at the same time, I think you already know that at this particular moment in time, he doesn't bring anything positive to the table.

My hope is he cleans up his act. But he needs to do that on his own and to learn how to become a responsible, accountable person. You can't help him do that. No one can.

Take care of you, and support him from a safe distance.

First paragraph makes me think, were we dating the same guy?? They figure the longer they can get us to stick around, the less likely we are to leave.

Second paragraph - sounds manipulative to me.

He SAYS an awful lot. But when it comes to DOING, seems like he is lacking there (based only on the bit of info you provided about his recovery plan so far).

The hardest battles we will ever fight are the ones between our head and our heart.
What we know is at war with what we feel.

"He says that he wants a girl who will go through any hard times with him".

Of course he does. We ALL want the big payout without putting a single
quarter into a slot machine. And if WE GET IT----- why the hell do ANY of the hard
work of life (Like grad school!) when a line of BS gets you the same thing?

Side with the heart and you will be happy tonight. Side with your head and you
will be happy for a LIFETIME.

thanks everyone for sharing your insight. i was thinking about the whole actions over words thing and these guys definitely do talk a big talk...

even though he knows my stance on this all and how i think rehab is necessary, he refuses to go. he also has only been to one meeting. he doesn't want to cut contact with one of his main connections because he's a childhood friend. again, i feel this is necessary. i also told him for a very long time during our relationship that he should see a doctor for all the problems it's caused, and he hasn't done that either. so really his words and actions haven't matched up...if he truly wanted to get better and to prove to me that he wants to save the relationship, wouldn't he have done those things? so far the only steps i've seen is telling a family member, seeing a therapist weekly (for the past month or two), and blocking his other connections.

thank you for pointing out that this isn't a "team" thing and him staying clean isn't a matter or whether or not he has my support. i guess he finds the idea of doing it alone scary and maybe he's manipulating me like you guys have said. he told me that there are many reasons for him wanting to quit, but one of the main driving factors for trying to stay clean was so we can have another shot. i know that he needs to want to do it for himself. so maybe his heart isn't in it 100%. if we end it for good then maybe he'll go right back to it, even though he knows how much it's already destroyed...

i think you're right that if i put more distance between us, then that will really show how he wants to go about getting better. after all, the great deal of distance i've already created has showed me a lot of things.

Thanks again for all your advice and support :)

He’s also going through the worst low point in his life…not only because of his addiction and our relationship, but he’s also going through hard issues with a family member and at work

The life of an addict (and of his girlfriend) is constant, constant low points...

I considered myself a lucky person, before being married to him. (I ascribed all our low points to bad luck because i thought he used drugs like three times a year, actually it was every day)

Big red flag, this thinking here...

He wants to take and take from you... has very little to give you...

He thinks you can save him... unfortunately it's not in your hands...

My ex worshipped and adored me like a princess for the first few years, coz he thought I could save him from his demons (which I didn't even know that he had, but anyway).

(Then reality set in, he realized I can't save him, and that I had become sick instead, and... he said adios, trying to save his own skin)

Hi Red,
After reading your thread up until this post, I have a different opinion than most other members have posted. I think you should give this relationship a try. He has showed you that he is changing, and this if things go downhill, that you can leave the relationship. I believe in taking risks in life, and I think this is a risk you should take. Being in a relationship with an addict is a challenge, but it can have a successful outcome. I have chosen to stick by my husband and take that risk, and he is even choosing to white knuckle his recovery. Everyone else may be right in telling me to leave, but I am a risk taker, and I take risks when it comes to love in my life. That is who I am.

There is also the chance that if you put more distance between him and you, he will self destruct like you have suggested, and then there definitely will be no chance of you two making it together. Why not give it a shot while he is getting better and things are going well? I believe it is good at times in life to listen to your heart and not your head. That is the romantic in me.

Hi Red, and welcome.

How would he react if you turned the question around on him-If he really loved you, he would go to rehab.

It does not sound like he is ready to quit.

Actions speak more than words. Trust your gut.

I think you have had really solid advice from the group. With your whole life ahead of you maybe stay away for 6 months and tell him that you want him to clean up. Rehab or not he needs to clean up. Tell him that you will just need to see where you are at at that stage but regardless he needs to dump the junk. This may seem a little harsh and he may try to make you feel bad about it but really it's not. Most of us here can see where this is headed and we don't want to see you dragged down. As handsome, charming and high potential as he may be it is all worth ZERO if he is an addict. Protect yourself sweetie. good luck.

Red, can you imagine going on a date, maybe with one of your classmates, and just spend the whole evening laughing and having a good conversation and enjoying yourself and your company?
Can you imagine being with someone who calls, when they say they will call, and be there when they say they will be there?
Someone who is, who they claim to be, and someone who has goals and dreams and goes after them?
Someone who lets you be part of their life, not just when it comes to cleaning up the messes and being a crutch...
I wish you lots of happiness.

He's telling you what deep in your heart he knows what you want to hear to manipulate you into feeling guilty and responsible for his problems. Don't bite. I don't believe in unconditional love relationships like that. There must be boundaries. You chose him originally because he met certain conditions you needed in you life the same as he chose you and he chose now to withhold from you what you need. If the situation were reversed, he can't say with any certainty that he'd be there for you honestly. It is not your responsibility now to wait endlessly for him to get his **** together. If you chose to, you explain to him that you are going to lovingly detach. That you love him but you need to give yourself the things he can't right now and that if he is willing to get treatment, you can assist with that but that there will be no relationship romantically until he has gone through treatment and committed and proven over time that commitment, to maintenance. However, if you chose not to wait for him, it is what it is right? It's another consequence he is just going to have to deal with since it's the bed he made, not yours. You have a right to a drug free life and not be affected by other people's addictions.

thanks everyone. good point chicory-i could just as easily tell him that if he goes to rehab then that will show his love for me...
i do think distance will really help my own sanity so i don't get dragged down by it all...if he chooses to resent me and fall deeper into this hole then that's his decision. but it's not realistic of him to expect me to be "supportive" and to stop being effected by this all. as much as i tell him how much it effects me, he feels it doesn't effect my present day that much because he "quit" and just has to do the maintenance now. that pissed me off. 1 because he's discounting my feelings and 2 because he thinks staying clean for three months means the hardest part is behind him.

he doesn't think this a permanent problem even though i've told him 100 times this is a chronic issue. i guess he forgets that a year ago he claimed to be clean for 6 months and then i found drugs in his wallet. he also claims this he only got the heroin once, but i think he's saying this because I only FOUND it once.

i'm wondering if i should have a talk with his dad because he said he now knows about the addiction. i have a feeling he doesn't know the extent of it though because even though he once had a drug problem too, he isn't making him go to rehab. he also continues to let his mom give him $$ (she doesn't know about it yet for reasons that are too long to explain). i don't know any of the conversations he and his dad have had, so i really don't know his dad's stance on it all. but if im going to leave him for good i would like to know that his family is aware and going to try to help him. at least then i can have some peace of mind because maybe his parents will stop enabling him and try to get him help.