Asking for a drug test
 

I feel so angry.

I'm angry at myself.

I'm angry at him.

I'm angry at his friends/ fiends.

I'm angry at the lies.

I feel somewhat hopeless again.. that I might be back at the start line again.

I have no proof. Yet his behaviour last night says otherwise.

Is it right for me to ask him to do a drug test? I feel guilty asking especially after all the 'progress' and positive changes he has made over the last few months. Is it me? Is it my codependency acting up?

If he chooses not to, does this mean he's guilty? Does this mean I have been fooled again.. ? Does this mean I'm an idiot :-( ?

If he's innocent, when will this insecurity ever leave? :-(

What outcome are you hoping for here? What would you do with the information?

I'm hoping that the test would be negative. I/ We can then work through challenges to continue rebuilding the trust.

If the test is positive, I have to walk away and cannot be in a relationship with him/ cannot marry him.

The insecurity may never leave, and only you can decide what to do with that. An addict is an addict for life, and some can live with that and some cannot.

You are not a fool or an idiot. You have been hurt.

I agree with what lady said above, what would you do with the information if you had it? What if it is positive? What are your boundaries and are you willing to keep them. If so, how?

These are all things you need to think out. I encourage you to seek out help for YOU as it is obvious you are hurting and anxious. Do you attend any support groups or have face to face support??

Hugs to you. Breathe. We are here with you.

That kind of sets you up in a position of being his parole officer/ keeper. Is that the role you want to play in a relationship? How will you feel if he agrees to take the test and it is negative? What happens next time you suspect he is using? What will you do if he refuses the test?
Continue to watch his actions, if he is using more will be revealed. I know that my gut instincts about my ex drinking were always right on, even if I didn't see him do it, even if he lied to my face. We have those feelings for a reason.
How long have you been together? How long has he been using? Is this his first sobriety attempt? Are you or he working a recovery program?
Agree with Hopeful about the face to face support for you- naranon, Alanon, celebrate recovery. That will be a great asset for you whether he relapses or not.

Thank you Hopeful4. I cannot go through what I endured years ago with his use. It was truly painful. We were on/ off. Over the last few years, I sought counselling and worked on my esteem. I'm stronger to the point where I can walk away knowing that it will hurt, but also knowing that I CAN have a future which is drug free.

This is the first time I reacted angrily to him over the last few months. I haven't questioned where he is/ what he is doing. He has shown me differently and has been accountable for the most part. The 'other' part is where I trusted. I can't always police his time.. nor do I ever want to again (codependency).

I live in Ontario, Canada. Can anyone who lives here msg me where drug testing can be done aside from visiting a doctor?

I see very subtle signs and it has scared me. We have been together for about 5-6 years, but on and off. When I met him, he started smoking (weed) more. I never realized that weed could have such terrible effects, not only on him, but on me (our relationship). I am aware now and this is why it scares me. I'm not married to him but we have spoken about this in the future. His use is a deciding factor and I've made it clear to him.

I have been getting counseling over the last year on a steady basis. This has helped me tremendously. He said he quit and made other positive changes in his life including not spending time with his friends who smoke. For the most part, I could see positive changes in his daily life. During the last week, I saw some odd things.

I don't know what else to do except see for myself what a drug test would show.

here's the problem with drug testing another adult...

1) they can refuse which does not necessarily imply guilt
2) the test may give a false negative or a false positive, they are not fool proof
3) if it IS positive, he can deny deny deny which may or may not be true
4) if it is negative that does not mean he did not use but perhaps found a way to trick the test

in NONE of the above do you get an absolute verification of the TRUTH.

have you considered just sharing your concerns/doubts WITH him?

What I will say is that when your intuition tells you something is off, it usually is. Keep working on you. As many people say, more will be revealed. When my XAH would drink I usually knew, but once in a while there would be times I was not sure. It would drive me nuts until I realized it really did not matter, he would reveal where he was in his own recovery (or not in recovery) in due time, and I would know for a fact.

That did indeed happen. By the time it did I was strong enough through support here at SR, counseling, and Celebrate Recovery that I knew that no matter what I had to do for me and my kids, I would be ok and so would they.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

XXX

AnvilheadII, last night I got into an argument on the phone with him. In the last few months, when I can concerns, we were able to speak and resolve things. Last night, the cyclical responses were back, the evasiveness was there, the gaslighting was there. It felt like being back in time when he was using. I hated the feelings that were arising in me again - fear, anger, trapped, betrayed, naive, stupid. When the feelings of worthlessness arose, I hung up and went to sleep.

He seemed void of compassion or any understanding of where I was coming from, what I went through over the last 5 years and why I would feel this way. Haven't spoken to him as I'm at work and do not want to cry or get upset further.

Hopeful4: I feel confused. I want to trust my intuition but wondering if my fear has made me paranoid. If he is clean, maybe it must be frustrating with my insecurity.

I'm at a point in my life where I have to make some decisions which way to go... even if it is without him. I just have no proof. He offered none. I have nothing to go on.. but my intuition or my perception.

I guess time will tell............. :-(

Trust your instincts. They are usually right. You will be fine, no matter what he chooses because you are pretty damn important! You matter! Don't let your happiness rest in the hands of anyone else but you! Love, hugs and prayers your way...you got this, don't be afraid.

One thing that is always true no matter the situation, prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.

You don't deserve to have that sort of emoational abuse. One question for you, does it matter if he was using or not? You DO NOT deserve to be treated that way no matter the reason.

XXX

Thank you all Lonelynn and Hopeful4.

I don't know what will come out of this and yes, I am scared. It's hard to muster up the courage to face this. I could have taken the easy way out last night and overlooked the situation. But it happened the way it did. And now I have to face the consequences as they are.

Do you think if he truly loved me and wanted to be with me that he would do a test or try to give me proof? At this point, I really feel like a sucker who believed he wanted something different :-(

I have to say that I appreciate this forum. It has allowed me to voice some of the hurt that has accumulated within me in a safe space. Getting things out has always been difficult for me and releasing these fears has made me feel a bit better. I'm not happy to be back, but I'm glad that this forum exists.

I think when you love a person you treat them in a certain way which does not include emoational abuse. I also don't think drug use is an excuse for that sort of behavior. That is my opinion. I know I deserve more than that out of life, and that you do too.

It is hard to muster the courage to face it. For myself there came a time I just knew I could not let it go, not one more time. I literally put my hand on my XAH's chest and backed him out the door and told him not to come back. It was horrible and my children were there, but it was also an IMMEDIATE sense of relief. I knew I was done.

Tight Hugs XXX

I have no proof. Yet his behaviour last night says otherwise.



To me his behavior is your proof.

I hung around for five years waiting for my ex to sober up, change, get better so I could have the life I wanted. That was about four years and eleven months too long.
This past year since leaving him I have done more to achieve happiness on my own than I did the entire five years I spent obsessing about him and his addiction.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you asking him to take a drug test... It was your choice to stick with him when he relapsed and had a tough time before, so you deserve to know whether you're about to go through that same hell again.

I asked my ex to take one, and he said no because he was "proud" of how well he was doing, and that was good enough for him (only to find out later, he said no because he was using again..). I asked him again at a later date and he took it, then tried to make excuses for why it came up as positive, until he finally admitted it.

I don't think it's your codependency acting up, I think you reserved the right to know once you decided to give him another chance. What you do with the result (which is really only if he admits it) is up to you! Be true to you

Thank you Sungrl, Ladyscribbler and Bellanoviella.

Ladyscribbler, I'm in my late 30's. Reality hit me last year when I realized that my chances of having my own family were diminishing as the years go on. I had made a conscious decision to move on earlier this year, and like lightening he came out of nowhere with communications from every avenue. I shot down all so that his words would not influence my decision. He made changes and stuck to them. I slowly let him back into my life.

Things were going well. We dealt with doubts I had. He was reasonable. Last night though? Broke my heart as I could feel myself having an argument I've had many times before.

Bellanoviella, He has not contacted me since which is another sign. I have no intentions of each reaching out and apt to leave things as they are. With each day that passes without contact, I will know. I'm not sure he will do a drug test. He said he would at the beginning of the summer, but I let it slide as his actions showed me something different. When I asked him last night when he would do the drug test, he said he didn't know when. I asked if he was waiting for it to exit his system. He never replied.

I know my own cycles too. The first few days, I'm working on adrenaline and feel strong. Afterwards, immense sadness comes as I acknowledge I'm going through a break up. Then I started missing him. What a cycle...I've tried to break so many times only to find myself back here... again. And yes, I feel ashamed.

The only good thing is that I have tools to work with this time around. I learnt a lot about self-care and doing things on my own..........

You need to trust yourself. So can you?

Using is obvious, as is not using?

Drug testing is degrading. It is also unhealthy especially when you already know the truth.

As you post more in the thread it seems as if more and more red flags are flying.

You have no reason to be ashamed.

The best thing you can do to insure that no matter what you will be able to make good decisions for yourself is to keep working on you. You wrote you have the tools now, so don’t forget to use them. ;)

Take good care of yourself.