faith260,

I lived with alcoholic xH for too many years trying to get him sober. As others have said once and addict, always and addict....even if they get sober or clean they still have to deal with the addiction every day in order to stay sober and clean.

I stayed b/c of children, for anyone without a family, my default setting will be to encourage the person to leave...it's one thing to deal with your own stuff, but to have to help your kids deal with addiction in a parent and all the stressors associated with that.....run far, run fast, and never look back.

listen to your gut.

qwer

IncitingSilence, thank you for that very powerful reminder to trust myself. It was one of the first things that I started to do in my own recovery.

quer1234, thank you for sharing your insight with me. What you have written has been one of my fears over the last few years.

I'm really glad I posted on SR instead of keeping this within me.

Glad you're here.
When I was growing up, my mom was a daily pot smoker. She held down a job and did all the responsible parenting stuff, but what I remember most about her was that every night she would shut herself in her room for hours getting high. She was my mom, and I loved her, but I also knew what she was doing was illegal and I was terrified she would go to jail and we would have to live full time with our dad (a violent alcoholic).
She could be nasty too, when she ran out or couldn't smoke at her usual time. And the paranoia was awful. She quit a few years ago, but now she suffers from chronic paranoid schizophrenia- not sure if she was self medicating all along or if the years of smoking made it worse.
That's the point of all my harping. A pothead is not good parent material. I'm 36, so I understand wanting a family (I have 2 boys), but having a family with an addict is not a good experience for anyone. You and your future kids deserve better.

I think time will give you the answers Faith. I think its good to look at your own rationale in the situation too. This happened over the phone, and it triggered past memories and feelings? I may have it wrong but you mentioned he didn’t understand how he hurt you in the past so Im thinking you were talking about the past and I don’t know it could have even triggered him? Unfortunately people say a lot of things, I may have missed something but Im not sure I see actual abuse here, just an argument?

I have no opinion on your staying with him or leaving but if your not happy, if you dont see the future you want with him then breaking up is the thing to do.

If I had suspicions about my husband using then I would first talk to him about it, and then I would address it with our counselor and if there was to be a drug test it would happen this way. People in recovery can still have a lapse. Some may not agree with me, but I think so according to what Ive learned from the doctors. I think you will see by his behavior quick enough if hes gone back to his old ways. If it was a lapse then here is the problem, you told him never again or your gone, so if he wants to keep you probably he will lie. You left no room, and its ok if you meant it.

I don’t think there is a flat our answer if someone would be happy to take a test or insulted. I think it would depend on the person and your relationship.

I think you will be ok however it goes down because your posting sounds very focused and rational. Fear is a bad one, I still have it too and sometimes out of the blue with no clear cut reason. Working on it !

"You and your future kids deserve better." This is very important to me. I know what I went through with him. How can I even think of bringing another being into this if there is a possibility of him using? Earlier, this year, it was one of the reasons I had made that conscious decision to move on with my life. If I ever want to have children, I need to give myself a chance to try and find a healthy relationship. I still believe this in my heart. And I'm glad that I can these words out - it is a good reminder of what I really want in life.

It was an argument Thursday night Bluechair. But I have dealt with his emotional abuse before in the past. The argument I had with him and the circular arguments we had that night reminded me very much of past arguments. In the last few months, he was much more patient, understanding, forthcoming and transparent. So when I began to feel humiliated on the phone, I hung up. This time around I am much more aware of my emotions and feelings and how/ why they arise. I didn't like how I was starting to feel again. I'm too scared to fall back into those feelings of worthlessness again.

Time will tell the truth if he reaches out. Other than that, 5 years is a long time and I need to keep moving forward with, or without him. I have to give myself a chance. It may be hard and heartbreaking again... but I want a drug-free life.

Trust your gut. Unfortunately for them and lucky for us, they have trained us to see and feel active addiction. Be easy on yourself. Take this quiet time and use it wisely. Think about what you need, not so much what you want. Sending you prayers.

Drug testing is not a way to live for anyone - the real question is whether you want a relationship with an addict for the rest of your life or not because once an addict always an addict. I'd rather concentrate on me than on wondering if the addict is using or not because that is always going to be a reality. That just does not change

Thank you Amysad, more and more I'm beginning to realize this. So far, I haven't done well when I knew for sure he was using and even now... when I'm not sure. I always had doubts about asking but in the last year, I've been practicing to be more assertive and to call things when I see them...whether right or wrong...rather than sitting and stewing/ wondering.

Yesterday afternoon, I had a good long weep, last night a bit too. Sometimes I feel a lot of hurt and pain. This morning I set out to do some exploring I've been wanting to do over the summer but kept waiting on him. It was good to be out in nature and by chance to meet up with some friends from 20 years ago. It was good to be around calm people, simple and friendly. I didn't tell them anything. But I felt so comfortable and at peace with myself. I hope one day to find someone who I can just 'be' with and do things of interest together. Within what seems like chaos in my life, there seems to be peace and beauty in this world.. I just have to choose to find it I guess.

But I felt so comfortable and at peace with myself. I hope one day to find someone who I can just 'be' with and do things of interest together.

Now you're talking, Faith260! You did something for yourself today and look what wisdom you found. It is good to cry, so I am glad you did that, but I am very happy that you took a walk, found old friends, and realized you can have a happy and addiction-free life if you so choose. Peace, and all good wishes for your recovery!

Gardenmama, it really was a lovely day. It took my mind off everything I have been going through over the last two days. The adventure of being in a different place (nature trail) distracted me from the burdening thoughts circling my mind. It was refreshing to take in new sights and be with people who were kind and gentle with each other.

It may have been just one day, but I'm grateful to have experienced it rather than wallowing at home constantly looking at my phone.

Thank you for the encouragement, peace and good wishes! The same to you on your journey.

Faith 260 - as they say.....one day becomes two days becomes three says and so forth. Live for you - we are with you in spirit!