The truth is.....
 

Wow, the truth can be so confusing for me as I continue to sort out my feelings.

The truth is I want my marriage to be over.....but do I really?
I want him to move away......yet....it is making me sad and mad.
I know I deserve better......but I still struggle to let go.
Do I really want him or am I just scared of the unknown?
I want him to work a recovery but it would it really change how I feel?
If I truly trusted God would I have this fear of change??
Is him moving away....God's way of doing what I can't do for myself?
I think it is......but I HATE it yet I am thankful too.

Ugh......I can't even be honest with myself anymore because I have no idea how I truly feel about anything anymore. Well, I guess that is being honest. One thing I know for sure is the pain of staying is getting lost in this confusion. I thought time would make stronger but it seems to be clouding my judgement.

LoveMeNow-
More will be revealed.
Just remember you don't need to know all the answers to every issue TODAY!
Find peace of mind in something relaxing today. Decide, just for today, that all is well and unfolding as it should and you'll have the answers when you really need them.

Sometimes I know when I am stressing and forcing myself to "know what to do" or make some stressful decision - what I really need is more data - and usually data comes in over time - I can't rush it!

Peace,
B

I agree with Bernadette. When I start to get overwhelmed I have to stop a minute. I always just say life is. Things happen for a reason we just need to figure out that reason.

I want him to work a recovery but it would it really change how I feel?

maybe there's something to that....do you still him "working a recovery" as equating with coming back and being the husband you want him to be? see how tied up all that is in your expectations? still looking to see what HE is going to do and how you FEEL about that........and what it changes for YOU.

your life is going to go on no matter what HE does. you will need a place to live, some type of transportation, and income from somewhere to support yourself. (we all do, not just you!) and most importantly a happy heart. he can't do that for you. whether he stays or goes, you still got you to deal with. :)

Oh Anvil, I could kiss you or kick you right now. Lol. ( See how "split" I have become? I think I have become a "professional splitter" now. :D ).

Yes, I am still outsourcing. I am still the problem and the barrier to my own happiness. I get that. I am just so confused on how to change it. I was doing better at it but this whole move thing has sent me into a tailspin.......which I did not expect!!

I thought I was happy about it and I am but I am not!!

I think I need a life coach Anvil. Are you for hire? :)


ETA - maybe there's something to that....do you still him "working a recovery" as equating with coming back and being the husband you want him to be?

That's the thing, I didn't think I did but now I am unsure. Denial can a powerful thing,

Are you paying rent in my brain? You are definitely my cerebral roommate. I am sorry. (Mostly because I am codie)...
C

I gotta say I think confusion is NORMAL - I was so isolated with my xRAH and now I'm back out here in the world! And hey the world is an exciting place (oh yes) but scary at the same time....for me most of the time I'm very happy separated from the XRAH but when I think of telling him no one last time (which is where I think it needs to go but I'm not ready) I get sad...and I think that's normal.

For me the only way to handle it is to keep on moving...keep on living. So I may feel down and crap but if someone asks me out I GO...and once I do it it's almost always fun and exciting...and that's LIFE, what it's supposed to be. It's not supposed to be all the time stressful and serious. It's in the quiet moments that I feel sad and yeah that's ok...then I write or something. So I dunno I guess I say it's ok to feel confused...as long as you're still moving. Just my two cents and it sounds advicey so I want to slap myself LOL (I hate advice and this is my second thread of the night where I mentioned it)...so if it's lame and advicey ignore it!

Wise words here. Looking back and wishing things were different is not much different than looking forward and wishing things were different. Life is what it is today and that's enough for anyone to handle.

If your future was planned would you feel better? If you had a place to go and a job you liked, would you be at peace with this?

Fear can eat us alive. It can leave us frozen in place afraid to move forward when staying the same isn't an option anymore.

You don't have to decide anything today, but maybe "play" with possibilities. If you had to relocate within a week or a month...where would you go and what would you do? Once the fear of actually doing it is gone, we are free to let our mind consider our options and maybe even like some of them.

It's been a long road, LMN, no wonder you're tired and confused. The answers will come when they come. It's okay to be confused in the meantime.

Hugs

It really is a process and I am not sure if it the confusion ever really goes away. I think it is more there are questions we stop needing answer too, because there really aren’t any in the moment. And can there even be any if they are so hinged on something outside of us?

And you know him going back into recovery will change things. How could it not?
But that doesn’t mean that you would go back to him, or that he even would even come knocking at your door.

Why does it seem as if you have some future tripping going on?

I was the queen of overanalyzing everything, even stuff that wasn’t mine, ;o
I could play the endless questions out all day long, and ask the same thing over and over yet so rephrased that surely it would change the answer, wouldn‘t it? It did become that definition of insanity. It was the day I realized I don’t know a damn thing unless it is mine that helped me to allow myself to just be, to not need the answers, or some clue as to what would be or what I needed to do or not do … Kinda allowing life to unfold as it was going to, being open to the promise and yet very aware of where there wouldn’t be any because it didn’t work within my wants and needs from this life.

Enjoy today, let life show all its promise. And don’t miss anything!

It's ok not to have all the answers today. As I always say, this is no marathon, it's your life. I know my family thinks I am so nuts that I stayed w/my XAH for so long. That being said, I had to come to terms in my own time, and I feel good that I did so. There was no confusion for me on if it was right to separate or not. Had there been, I likely would have waited, wrong or right. It took a very long time of CR and therapy to come to where I am mentally, it was no rush!

Just make sure your time is focusing on YOU, your wants, your needs, etc.

XXX

LMN,

Uncertain times, especially when established life patterns
are disrupted......are scary. It is at those times when we are
most vulnerable-----but they are also the times of greatest possibility.

"Catastrophizing" is above all things......comfortable and
familiar. And history teaches us time and time again people
prefer known bads to unknown goods.

Imagine better things, better times. Not as some feelgood
touchy feely psychobabble bullcrap----but rather, do it in a
disciplined way.....sort of like a job.

Like getting up at 6am for a run.......you are not always
in the damned mood to run.

(Run anyway!)

my sponsor tells me to check my motives. I expressed similar feelings yet agin this week, and she said "Lilly if you knew that the only way for him to find recovery was to never speak to you again and that's what he needed to do for him... would you still wan him to find recovery as bad as you do right now? do you want his recovery for you or for him?"

o_O ya... that kinda hit a nerve for me...

Well, he is back from his weekend. He had a great time....going to the track, smoking pot, and drinking way too much with the guys. His words. Surprisingly, these guys all make very, very good money!! All I could think was.....who is this man? He sounded like an immature teenager after an unfortunate weekend visit to his big brother's college.

So.....lol! Of course, I couldn't just think it. I had to say it. Then, I HAD to say you need rehab, not just a little stint either, 90 days minimum. It was like my tongue had a mind of its own and I just hate when that happens. ;)

Oh no, I didn't stop there.....I went on to say much more, even acknowledging to him that I knew he couldn't hear me but I was still going to speak my truth. He didn't say a word and I know all he heard was blah, blah blah. He finally said "ok, you are giving me a massive headache." LOL I thought but didn't say .... boy, I am be such a buzz killer, huh?

Still deciding about the condo! It will make going no contact harder. He admits that it lessens his guilt. I said "I bet it does but just remember where ever you go, there you will be. In moments of clarity, you still know the truth and you will still have to look in the mirror." He agreed...I am sure to just shut me up.

Well, it's official......my recovery stinks and I feel like I haven't learned a thing. Ouch!!

Geez, after writing it for all to read....I feel even dumber now then after I hung up with him. Geez, maybe I will just move away and pretend it never happened. Oh wait, how stupid would THAT be?

Ok, it's almost over so please bare with me!! I am "one of the those" who have a deep bottom, a bit of a slow learner, obviously struggling with surrendering and letting go.

On a more positive note, at least no one can say I am a born quitter. lol. Yeah, because that's important. :whoop

LoveMeNow,

I can relate so well. I am one of those who people who don't give up easily. Sometimes that is very good, and sometimes I guess it isn't... I never thought of it as having a deep bottom, but that's true for me too, I see.

Each of us has to do things in our own time. Drinkers, codies-it has to make sense to us.

Today is a new day. trust yourself, and dont be hard on yourself. you will do what is right for you, and those you care about.

hugs
chicory

What if you planned some quality time just for yourself. Go visit family again or do something you love doing. I think that would help fill your heart with joy and from that would come clarity.

Why not try it?

I love what Vale said, and agree. Sometimes we have to make ourselves enjoy life, even when we don't feel like it....especially when we don't feel like it.

Hugs

LMN....Sometimes our brain has to catch up with our mouths LOL!

You have learned lots. If not you would not be here typing it out. You REALIZE what is going on. It just hurts. I get it.

XXX

Then, I HAD to say you need rehab, not just a little stint either, 90 days minimum. It was like my tongue had a mind of its own and I just hate when that happens.

Oh no, I didn't stop there.....I went on to say much more, even acknowledging to him that I knew he couldn't hear me but I was still going to speak my truth.

let's pretend for a moment that you were "projecting" on to him, his faults, his shortcomings were actually just a mirror.....what would the above look like if you started with:

I NEED.......................

You pointed out his obvious, you gotta keep present that he is aware of it.

Your thread title, the truth is … well he showed his truth in this moment, didn‘t he? I tend to think you showed yourself some as well.

And I love Anvil’s advice … what would be if you stood at the mirror and went off on yourself?

Hang in there!

Hard things are hard.
But you are up to it.
Before you can win the game, you have to know the
name of the game.You do.That gives you a 99%
advantage over the rest of the pack----and a hell
of a running start.

You we all are 100% in your corner!

Hmmmm I see absolutely no compassion here for you or him.

For me learning compassion was the key to my freedom.

Its so much easier when you don't have to blame anyone,

I accept that I am powerless over addiction of any kind, and I accept that my xaddicit is too, and sadly he will continue to suffer without even knowing, but I wont because I have chosen to let him live his life in the style he sees fit, and I am allowed to do the same.

Compassion for him and "his disease" has kept me hooked. Forgiveness and compassion are necessary but at the right time during my journey. Right now, I feel mad and I am OK with that.

compassion...

ugh... here we go! -_-
whatever...

addiction is a choice. Here let me go and ruin everyone's life and be emotionally abusive and have compassion on me!!!???

Pshhh!!! PALEEEZE!!!

so called "compassion" is often times more about having a "savior complex" than about real compassion >=[

PS: I am an RA and letting a person use and still be in your life is BS. LMN has already shared that her AH is in active addiction. It's not like she's here being a crybaby about his recovery putting her
on the back burner (which true recovery always does) sure we should have compassion when it comes to PAWS... NOT active addiction. nope. never.
:ban:

Lily, I agree with what you are saying. Good for you.

LMN...there is a fine line between forgiveness because someone is sorry for their behavior and is actually seeking forgiveness, which means not repeating that same behavior over and over. (The definition of INSANITY BTW is repeating the same actions over and over and expecting a different result...hmmmm). There is something you can do for YOU. Not live with the resentments and weight of it all on your shoulders. Set up boundaries that you can stick with, work toward goals of what brings you happiness in life.

Letting go of resentments is certainly a positive, but if we don't change anything and just pile them back up over and over it becomes to look a lot like Insanity, just mentioning!

I think you are diving deep into your feelings and that is a great thing my friend!

XXX

I have read this thread and just thought I would throw in my 2 cents.

I have been where you are. I feel your pain and confusion. My RAH has acted just like I should accept what he was doing and has even told me he continued to use because of me...seeing how much he has hurt me, blah blah blah. I know you are hurting, he has given you glimps of what he can be or what life can be. Those are reasons why we stay and try to help. Why some of us stay until we hit rock bottom ourselves. Trust me, I was no quitter until my mind broke. Yet, I am still here with him for one reason. He is trying to recover, dealing with his demons, but that is today. I cannot future trip, or my mind will break again.

LMN, let your higher power drive this one and steer you. Lay it down at his feet, because if it is meant to be, it will. You don't need to sort out your feelings today. Deal with what is in front of you today, which sounds like someone, the addict, not ready to deal with their demons, so take care of YOU.

I hear what you are saying lily, and I respectfully disagree, just because I am developing compassion doesn't mean abuse is okay, or any of the behavior is okay, not at all. I have compassion for active addicts as well as those in recovery. My x never was in recovery, I still have tons of compassion for him because now I can see how his addiction is and will kill him, people in active addiction suffer just as much as we do, they are tortured. The chances of me finding happiness is far greater than my x doing so. My brain is not directed by addiction. His always will be. He got drunk at 14, his parents supplied him the booze, it made him feel better, he drank to drunkenness with his father from the age of 14, he never had a chance.

LMN I never to cause you any distress, I know that your feelings are so real and its very painful, sending lots of love your way. Katie

From Merriam Webster Dictionary:

Compassion -- sympathetic to others' distress, along with a desire to alleviate it."

This compassion, or desire to try to alleviate my partner's distress, is exactly what caused my own life to derail. And it didn't do him much good either.

I am very careful about my tendencies toward compassion now.

Oh Katie, thank you and I know that. I always value your ESH. (and missed it and you). I am so glad that you are know in a compassionate place. I look forward to being there as well but for now, compassion about addiction is just too confusing for me. With more time and clarity, I will get back there again in a healthier and a more self care kind of way.

I don't have a desire to alleviate my x's distress, I can't.

I meant no harm here, I retract my posts.

Wow, LMN, I can relate to your situation. Every bit of it. I'm currently in the process of home and job searching, all while struggling with my decisions and getting emails, texts and ims from ah begging for me to take him back. (I did kick him out, he been staying with his parents for a week now). I know exactly what you feel when you question, even when you can feel so confident one minute.
I've been slowly working through the 12 step for Co dependants that Ann has posted. It's been extremely helpful to not down notes and journal the activities. It is nice to be able to look back and remember the strength and confidence that I have. It's also helpful to look back and remember all that I've gone through-and don't want to go through again. In my 15 year relationship, I've notice that I blocked out a whole lot of pain that recently resurfaced. It can suck to reminisce that kind of memory, but in this circumstance its helpful to move on. Many prayers for you in your journey, we can do this :)