How can I quit caring?
 

Honest question. I am still on the fence on whether AH is using again (percs) or not. Like I posted before if he is, it's a very small amount, due to the fact that I know our finances and what goes where, which again doesn't make much sense but who knows. I can't shake the feeling that something is up. Asking him questions just insites rage, either because he's tired of being accused (understandable) or he's lying. I layed awake last night for an hour in the middle of the night worrying and wondering.

I think for me, the hardest "part" of all this is and always was, being lied to. It hurts more to worry that I'm being lied to again than it would to deal with the actual addiction. I have always told him, along the way, and many times before when he was OBVIOUSLY using again, that it's so much easier if he's just honest. But as an addict he can't be honest.

Any tactics of how I can disconnect myself to quit caring so much if he IS lying? There's zero I can do about any of it, either way. I do think that AH may be suffering from a personality disorder (PD) as well which makes it harder, he's always had trouble processing emotions/things. In return he is VERY needy in regards to me and our relationship and all he expects me to do for him, so it's almost impossible to "disconnect" from him to get some distance from the worry because he expects me to be "right there" all the time.

sounds like you two got your balls of yarn all tangled up! enmeshment, where there is no boundary between where one ends and the other begins. so extricating ones self isn't quite as easy as taking two giant steps back.

he "needs" your constant presence and reassurance, you "need" to be constantly vigilant and worried about what he might be doing when he's out of eye sight. accepting that you can only change ONE of you.....and that would be you.....focus on what you said.....There's zero I can do about any of it, either way

your worry doesn't change anything. fretting, snooping, losing sleep....because it is what it is. he is who he is. you can't change him, but you CAN change how you ALLOW what he does to affect you. what can you do to shore up your own defenses so that WHAT he does has little impact on you...that means emotionally and financially.

even tho he claims to be bothered by your constant hovering, he also says he "needs' you close by. so be prepared that as you detach, unhitch, move away, HE is going to put up a fuss of some sort.

it's known as change back behavior. in unhealthy relationships, every one assumes a ROLE which allows the dysfunction to live....when anyone in the system changes the dynamics, it throws the rest off kilter, and they will go crazy trying to get you back in your place, in your role. that's why it is vital that if we are going to CHANGE we do so for us...and not in the hopes that what WE do will cause THEM to change.

Yea I no longer think I can help him change even when he claims at times he wants to, when he finally is able to admit a little defeat in this situation.
The best way to get some distance is quietly be agreeable but then at the same time beause I'm being quietly agreeable I'm feeding his delusion and keeping him "happy" which strips me of MY happiness basically. So you're right it's like there are no boundaries. I never wanted it to be this way. For 12 years I have given in more and more and more just to make life easier for the time being, to the point that it's all amess. At least I am acknowledging things now and wanting to change myself in the situation, or get out of it.

ironically PEACE AT ANY PRICE comes with a really high price tag.

Yea that's the problem. Years ago when I was younger I really went through a bad "day to day" "peace at any price" time with him when his neediness / narcissism escalated that has led to where we are today. Through in the addicition that has been on and off for 3 years and it's a "Great time." Ugh.

Hi KF85, have you decided what you'd do if he is using again?
It seems you're in a situation where you can't win. If he's using, that's bad; if he's not, you can't relax anyway.
Intuition is something we shouldn't ignore, but if he's not spending the money required for a habit, maybe your intuition really reflects your fears?
I'm not sure what you can do except work on yourself and your marriage until things become clearer. Some areas to look at might be his neediness, how you react to it, and your inability to relax (which is a natural response to your past, but isn't making your life any easier).

Honestly I worry more financially than anything else. His last bought of addicition almost broke us, we still struggle some, we can't afford to do it again. That's why I even said I have such a tight reign on our finances that if he's doing anything yet, it's small, but there's just something up - unless it truly is my mind, natural reactions to my past, etc. It's a hard situation and I know that logistically, emotionally, financially, I can't go through another true relapse.

I have to live and let go for now until something actually truly happens that I'm sure of. It's just easier said then done to let go.

How can I quit caring?

Why do you think you must stop caring?

I suppose better wording is "How can I stop constanting caring and worry about if he is or will be using again." I don't have to stop caring, I have to stop letting my nerves get the best of me.

I would suggest you get counseling for yourself to help you deal with all this. Do it for YOUR peace of mind.

Hugs, Kari

I never stopped caring.
I stopped DOING.

Counseling will help you look at whats going on behind the nerves. For me Ive found a lot of it has been fear. Its alright to be afraid, but like you said we have to learn to control the emotion so it doesnt get the BEST of us. Examining our fears, play our out fears and learning to be proactive in planning for what could happen, how we will handle it. Wont remove all the fear, but Im finding it takes away some of the power fear has over me. I never want to be emotionless and I believe also we were created to have feelings. Meditation is also helping me when I get hit with big nerves, relaxes the whole body and calms the mind.

if you find the answer, please,please,please let me know!! because i am exactly at where you are...

He shouts "im not using"... i see the signs, i physically stop myself from looking for the evidence now (i always find it anyway), i tell myself detach, detach, detach. For my own sanity i have now taken over ALL finances, at least i now know that he can't spend money needed to pay for the house. I tell myself that it isnt MY business where he gets his money from, he is NOT using mine and my children's money anymore.. but there is still that tiny, little, part of me that just cares way too much.

From what i have read here, elsewhere and in books, its unhealthy to care but .. these are people we love(d).. how can caring turn into something so bad, if you love someone you care about them right? no apparently thats wrong..

living with addiction is most definitely the MOST confusing thing i have ever encountered and i lived for nearly 18 years with severe domestic abuse and THAT was easier to navigate than this minefield, peppered with lies, deceit and mistrust. Addiction has done more damage than 18yrs of being beaten up on a daily basis, at least i knew what was coming, i knew what triggered it, how to shut myself off from it.

i realise that my post is in no way useful to you, but just thought id add that i can empathize with your situation, all the way down to lying awake at night, watching for the tiniest change in behaviour ..

My experience is that it's very hard to detach while still interacting with an addict on a regular basis. For me, it has always taken time and space to get perspective...

Caring doesn't have to be an action. And it doesn't have to be black or white, all or nothing caring or not caring.

Healthy caring can be done with detachment of your obsessive thoughts and trying to control what you cannot control, another person.

Detachment can free you to take care of yourself and your own mental health.

It's not detaching your love from the person, it's detaching from unhealthy reactions.

He sent me a text today. Said he had 10 dollars (all 1's) sitting at home by his keys. Now he only has 8. Did I take two dollars? I said "No I didn't, I saw you had money by your keys but I didn't touch it. Do you need some more money?" This pissed him off apparently. He said "Why would I need more money, did I say I need more money, why do you start a fight about everything, bla bla." See this erratic behavior is why I'm here and wondering.

You cannot make yourself stop caring because it is raw fear. You know what you went through before and it traumatized you, so now the fear of reliving that is ever vigillant in your life.

Unless he can vow to get on board and prove every penny he spends and not have an attitude about it your mind won't rest. I say this from experience.

I think the only things you can do for you is to build yourself a fund and work on how to relax and detatch from it as much as possible. I know the therapist has been working with me on some breathing to stop anxiety attacks and it is helping me.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Thanks Hopeful. When he first finally quit and started on the subs at the end of last summer, he was vigilant about proving himself and making sure I never had questions as to where money went or anything else etc. As time has gone on it almost feels like he's evasive just to be evasive but then the weird reaction like this morning makes me question more again "Why is he so worried about two dollars, why did he get so mad when I asked if he needed more spending money" etc. If he had never had a drug problem I wouldn't even question anything like what happened this morning, just assume he was in a pissy mood.

That's why I don't know if I can handle this dealing with him anymore.

I get it. My marriage finally blew up on Friday. Had I not been tracking his spending like some sort of PI I would not have realized he had drank and mixed it w/Xanax and in his little mind it was just "a beer" and he would have driven and picked up our daughter. It escallated from there and as a result he now has been kicked out of our house and we are getting a divorce. His "a beer" is one of those huge and very strong ones. He also takes 3mg of Xanax per day, so it is a big deal. I guess what I am trying to say is that I get it. Tracking that $2 that he spent protected my daughter and finally after his crazy behavior made me see that I am worth more than this.

I am sharing my situation because I just want you to know I am there with you and I feel for you. I know how crazy it can make you feel, it is not a good feeling.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Thanks Hopeful. And heck I'm not even trying to track that two dollars, I feel like by asking me if I took it then getting so mad about me asking if he "needed more money" he may have told on himself. Then again maybe he was just in a mood. Thanks for the support :)