Sure!! Let's have a Codie Getaway. :)

:yup::yup::yup::yup:

I have to share something. Over the last year or so, I recorded on my phone several "talks" between my husband and I. I am really not sure why I did this, probably for several reasons....self doubt being one. Sometimes, he even knew I was doing it.

With the exception of one or two, I never listened to any of them until last night. All I can say is WOW, I am glad it's over.

There were many times, I was so frustrated after we talked. I remember telling a friend once "he is the only one that I talk to, that I feel crazy and confused afterwards. " Now I know why. He was using, he was insane and I was still in denial. I still had so much self doubt or I just wanted to because I couldn't face the truth at the moment in time.

Note to self - if you ever have to record another conversation with someone so you don't feel crazy after, don't have the conversation. Better yet, distance yourself as far as possible.

Healthy or not, I am thankful I have these recordings. They are a great reminder of the insanity I am leaving and will never have to endure again.

I've been gone a few days and missed so much!

(((LMN)))

What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing it. It's such an eloquent summary and speaks to so many truths. It really helped me after a rough week.


"I'm through the hardest time."
"Okay, now I'm through the hardest time."
"Alright, NOW I'm through the hardest time."

And guess what...each time, you are! You've done so much for yourself, I'm so, so happy for this next step in your life. And it's uplifting to hear your assessment of his continued attempts...you see so clearly. It's still NOT easy, but as you keep trusting in yourself you'll find yourself on the other side, sitting in the sun having fun with your sister.

I believe your guardian angel played REO in that moment on purpose...

And in regards to your ongoing texts...I almost laughed when you talked about your anger at yourself and your friends knowing you already knew. I do the same thing. Adrenalin, self-anger, distraction, then finally smiling... that I did it again. But it does get shorter each time. Even that jerk in my gut when he sends an email or a text. Still there, but I get through the whole process faster each time. Someday it might not happen at all?

I like your new rule...if you have to record a conversation to make sure you're not crazy...eliminate that relationship. Sounds so simple, really, but you could package that and plenty of people like me would probably buy the advice! I did a few similar things. I wish I'd have reviewed mine earlier, because I so clearly see through it all now, I wonder if it would've helped cut through the denial more quickly.

Hug yourself this week! Sending more your way.

This is what I get for disappearing too long- sorry for two posts, but I totally agree with your "pills vs alcohol" comment. Like it's harder to believe it's real or something. I share that problem.

"Luckily" for me he does it all, so he IS usually drunk while on the drugs...

Feels wrong to lol that, but hey...

Today has been difficult. There is no way around it....this HURTS A LOT!!! I haven't done a lot of self care and feel a little depressed. Due to my friends illness, we pushed the move until next Wednesday because I still have so much to do.

I received a "matter of fact" text today from him....telling me he did XYZ (got his own car insurance policy, etc). He will put money in my account tomorrow....I'll believe it when I see it. His last words were "he didn't want me to think he wasn't a man of his word." Really???? Yeah, that's important now. Hey honey, your word means nothing to me anymore!! Someday soon, I pray YOU don't either!!

I simply replied "thank you" because I am still hoping he puts money in my account and I know I need to play nice.

Sorry but I need to vent and I am doing it here!!!

A man of your word?? Really??

If you were a man of your word, you would be clean.
If you were a man of your word, we wouldn't be in this mess.
If you were a man of your word, we wouldn't be divorcing.
If you were a man of your word, you would have loved and honored me.

Suddenly NOW, you care about being a man of your word?? WOW!!

Sorry doesn't cut it any more. You choose drugs because you are an addict....doing what addicts not in recovery do. You had the tools, you had the support.....you choose not to use them.


:thanks

"Well, I like how it sounds."

Or maybe "I like that it makes me feel like I'm doing something noble."

Or "I'm hanging on to who I want to think I am."

Or "I'm doing this for you."

But really....really..."I just like how it sounds." I really do.

Here's mine. If you decide on contact you could try this one. ;)

"I'm the sexiest woman on the planet. I really wish I could contain it. I'm sorry I tried so hard to make you think I was just an average woman."

Ah, the truth. It shall set you free. All that matters is if you like the way it sounds. Say that one out loud tonight. Maybe even imagine texting it. How can it not make you smile?

Apologies for the cynicism this evening. You know it's meant well, I hope. Hugs.

Aw, sorry about the quacking. I know how frustrating it is. (((LMN)))

:lmao

Thank you for the laugh!!

Mr. "man of his word" never put money in my account today as agreed on. No excuse, no explanation - not a word. I am not surprised but I am mad. But I will not contact him about it which he probably expects me too. 1) I already told him that I would not be doing so. 2) I cannot get sucked into the games, the price is too high,

I haven't had any "I miss you" texts since Sunday and I did ask him not to send anymore, that I wasn't interested. But for some strange reason, I feel like he has already moved on and I am bothered by that.

I guess now that the house of cards has collapsed, he is finding his new enabler. I just can't believe he has turned into such a jackass or was he always?? That's the question that really haunts me, I think.

He is showing me who he is NOW, and yet I still find it so hard to comprehend.

LMN, he may be a turd, but you are handling all this with such grace and courage and strength....even though the wounds are still raw and get ripped open now and then.

You will be okay, you just need to get through this last hurdle and the world will be your.

Big Hugs :hug:

You know I am so sad for you both.
And yet so excited for you and this new chapter in your life.

I have been playing catch up with your recent threads….

How do I say this, sometimes you don’t see the whole truth until you disengage from it. He seems to be making this so easy for you to see, maybe a blessing in disguise?

This is your time now … no future tripping ok. Give yourself the time you deserve and things will work out. How could they not if you take care of you. You have learned so much and are willing to learn more so I wouldn’t be worried about repeating the cycle or what the future holds. You are not the same woman as you were when you first landed here, not even close.

(((hugs)))

Thank you (((inciting))). I really appreciate your support. This has to be the hardest decision I have ever made but most of the time, I know it is right decision and I am looking forward to this new chapter.

Today, he put money in my account and we communicated a little via text. I admit, I can't speak to him right now and although texting is pretty lame, it's all I have in me.

In a nutshell, he basically has surrendered to active addiction. How very sad for him. I had to keep reminding myself that I am powerless, he is God's hands and I must save myself. After a long cry and a bad headache, I am still struggling to find my center and my serenity.

:(

Even leaving is a roller coaster of emotions LMN. :hug:

This is hard.

Surely somewhere inside you cared, so it will hurt. I mean really even with the damage and pain I would bet big that you still hope that one day ... for him ... that he finds recovery and life again. It is so normal to mourn, to be sad, hell even to hope...

And the good stuff in it all is being able to separate the above and know also how important it is to save your own life ... To give yourself the best chance for all the endless possibilities that are out there waiting. And so you know just in case you have any doubt, they are.

Be gentle with yourself.

Sending you prayers for continued strength and grace LMN. You have been incredibly strong and realistic through all of this. I know your heart is broken. It takes great courage to do the work necessary to reach the spot where you just know YOUR wants, desires, dreams, happiness, self respect etc have to come first. I have no doubt you have been an inspiration to many of the other partners here. Do something extra special for yourself today!! Big hug!!

Two more packing days to go and my things will be moved to another state. Today was difficult and painful but I kept moving forward. I feel thankful I don't need to run out and numb myself. I can deal with life on life's term not matter how hard it may be at times.

I have had a lot of love and support from some wonderful people, which has helped.

My STBXAH continues to contact me, wanting me to move in with him. For the most part, I do not engage. I have not told him my plans, I don't think it's any of his business any more. But I don't mind saying.......I kind of wish I was a fly on the wall when he does learn the truth. I know he thinks "she will give in." Why wouldn't he?? I always have. This time is different and although I know I shouldn't care about his reaction........I still do in some ways. ;)

...and I totally understand that! Two more days. You've come such a long way and you're almost there. I'm so glad for your support system!

Sending you hugs!