Here we go again
 

My son came home from school today and informed me that someone had stolen his phone from his gym locker. He looked so sad.of course I said I would fix it, I called our plan holers insurance, had his phone number stopped and reported it "missing" well with insurance it cost $175 to replace the phone. I have one credit card left that has money on it and payday isn't til Friday. So I ordered him a new phone, paid for it then I was required to call my husband to authorize the new phone cause it's in his name. There wasn't too much anxiety going on, but we had to be at a meeting by 5:30, this all happened at 4:15. My husband exploded and said he could have an old one, well what am I paying insurance for then if we don't use it. He has yelled at me for many years so this didn't bother me. So on the way to the meeting my AD starts telling me that dad and I yell too much and that's why all our kids are addicts, she was getting more and more angry with me, I drove in silence except that I told her that her AV was making her say all these things, she said there's no such thing as an AV and started to open the car door (to jump out) I slowed down and let her out, never crying but my heart was breaking, not again. I begged her to get in the car, I would take her home, calm her down and she refused. So I left and drove home. I was in no condition to be seen at a meeting. I got home and the son asked why I was home so early and where was his sister. I told him what happened. He got very angry and started throwing things at me and demanding I go get her. I don't know where she is, she won't answer the phone, he called me horrible names, I don't know how I kept my cool, I was broken. He kept throwing things at me, finally when a large couch pillow was thrown at my face, bending my glasses, I got up and went to my room and locked the door. I can here him destroying things downstairs, but I don't want to fuel the fire in him. I called my daughter one last time and her meth AXBF was coming to get her, I said ok, will she be ok and she said yes and hung up.. So now my husband is calling me I assume to scream at me for upsetting the AD and the boy. I'm tired of being in prison, walking around on eggshells, these kids put me through hell this summer, I will never be the same. I am damaged. So now I sit in my room, like a punished, grounded child. The tears are flowing again, they won't stop, I can't breathe right, I keep holding my breathe, please, let this be a nightmare, but it's not, it's real, and I don't know what to do. I'm so alone, I'm afraid. I fear this may make my daughter relasp back into the drug world. I can't believe this is happening again. All over a phone? I'm sorry, things were going so well for our little family, now it's shattered and the pieces are all over the place. This is so unfixable. What keeps going thru my head is why? TF

Twofish, my heart and prayers go out for you, I can feel the tension and pain that you have wrapped yourself in.

It's not okay to open the door of a moving car. It's not okay to throw anything at you...ever. It's not okay to yell at you or call you names. It's just not okay.

So...it may be time to take a time out, find some time and space just for you and make a plan. Maybe family counseling, maybe a family meeting where you can write down all the things that are NOT okay and find suggestions how to stop them.

I don't have your answers, they must come from your own heart when you are ready. But please know it's also not okay to allow others to treat you this way.

First think I'd do is cancel the new phone (he was irresponsible to lose it and not appreciative of your effort to replace it)...then take the rest from there.

Sending hugs because you sound like you need them.

I'm so sorry, twofish. You are being abused by the entire family and you do not deserve it. You have become their punching bag for everything that goes wrong. It isn't fair and you do not have to put up with it.

I agree with canceling the new phone. Your son doesn't deserve it. If his dad wants to buy him one, that's his business.

Have you considered seeing someone on your own, for your own benefit? A therapist or a counselor or someone like that? You deserve to have some face-to-face support because you are obviously getting nothing from your family. (((HUGS)))

TF, I have followed your posts for a long time, maybe because I have always thought how wonderful it would have been to have grown up with such a loving mother. I am sorry it feels like everything is imploding tonight.

I have a sense from what I have read tonight and in the past that you put everyone else first. I know a few amazing people like you and it always bothers me that often they seem to get relegated to the background. They seem to get assigned supporting roles while others always get the spotlight for good or bad behavior. It sounds like everyone was taking cheap and unnecessary shots at you tonight. It actually hurts my heart to hear how you were treated after I have read the love and concern you have shown for your family.

It sounds like there is some group think about how it's ok to trash mom. It's not..at all. I hope when the hurt subsides a bit you get angry, and I hope you start to draw some lines in the sand about what you expect and deserve, you are not even getting the bare minimum. I am sorry you are sad, but it shows that you know this is horrible. You sound like a very loving mother and wife, the treatment tonight sounds like maybe you give too much of yourself? I hope you see the same wonderful human being in the mirror that so many of us see here. Sending hugs...

I'm so sorry for you. Unfortunately, it seems like you've become the "punching bag" for the family. You don't need to take this. Cancel the phone and your daughter's while your at it and tell them to pay for it themselves if they want them back.

It's a wonder that you didn't just walk out the door and leave. I'm so sorry, it sounds so stressful dealing with all of that anger from your family. I hope you are doing something for yourself to reduce that stress.

I'm so sorry that they ALL think it's ok to hurt you and expect you to fix everything.

for your own sanity, I hope you can just say NO to them. just NO.

they should be ashamed of their behavior, but they don't see it. I too would cancel the phones and let your husband deal with the kids/ adults/addicts. it's killing your spirit and causing you physical stress.

Twofish, first big massive hug. Second...breathe. it is not your fault if your daughter chooses to use this as an excuse to relapse. Her recovery is up to her and if she needs excuses she will always be able to find one.

Next, your son's behavior is simply unacceptable. It is abusive and extremely childish. I agree with the others. Not only would I not give him a replacement phone I would restrict whatever "old" phone he manages to get...for a good while. Verizon you can restrict for 90 days.

I hope you know I am saying this with love and concern for you....we teach people how to treat us. If you let them smell blood in the water you are a goner. I would not barricade myself in the room. If he does one more unacceptable thing simply go somewhere, call 911, for an out of control teenager. They will come and they will talk with him. He will think again before his next temper tantrum. It is time to reclaim your power. I know respect isn't something you can demand but you don't have to settle for this treatment. Perhaps it's time to enroll your son in anger management. I've called the police on my son twice for being destructive. He didn't talk to me for days but trust me...I appreciated the quiet.

Ugh, I really dislike reading this. Any chance you could remove yourself for a couple of days and let your husband see how great it is to deal with this? Big hug, say a prayer, hand it over...I will ask for strength for you tonight.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this unacceptable behavior from the entire family. Love without boundaries......isn't really love.

The family is using you as a scapegoat. Just because they are yelling and blaming, doesn't make it true. This is abuse.

I also would highly suggest counseling for you (and perhaps the rest of the family including hubby). If they won't go, that's ok.......you'll get the support and guidance you need and deserve.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Thanks everyone, it does feel like I have damaged my spirit really bad this time. The AD keeps texting me to come and get her. Well, I begged her, with tears spilling down my face to get back in the car, she refused. Now, she thinks that nothing at all happened this evening. I haven't responded yet, it hurts too much yet, and besides the boy keeps pounding on my door to go get her, I just said "oh thanks for giving me the message" he just kicks the door, am I frightened of a 14 yr old?

I don't want to appear insensitive, but if your husband yells at you regularly, then your children have learned that it's OK to abuse their mother from him. It doesn't make their behavior acceptable by any means, but if you are going to start feeling better, you need to start dealing with the root problems. You should never be abused, period. But, in most cases, the only way to stop the abuse is to create very firm limits about what you will accept in regards to how people treat you. [I say "in most cases" because I guess there's a chance that an abuser can spontaneously change his or her behavior, but it's rather unlikely.] And usually, maintaining a firm limit means that WE have to change, because it is WE who permit the abuse to continue (no matter how much we'd like to blame the abuser).

I really feel for you, but all things point to YOU as being the one who must change in order for this abuse to stop. [And to some other posters, please don't react in a knee-jerk fashion to what I'm saying. The reality is that the people around Twofish aren't going to suddenly wake up and say, "My God, I'm an abuser."]

I think the person above who suggested that you seek a personal therapist is spot on -- you need to work on YOU, so that you can build the strength you need to free yourself from the tyranny of the disease that's all around you. There is no magic bullet, no secret formula that will make it all go away. It is hard work, but others have done it and have managed to find happiness in their lives. And once YOU begin to change, you will see that those around you will change, maybe even for the better.

TF- Im so sorry for how your night has gone, my heart goes out to you. sounds like you need some time to yourself to blow off some steam, girls weekend with friends? let your husband deal with the kids for a bit. Its not your job to hold the whole family together, its impossible for one person. Your daughter will hopefully make the right choice, and not relapse. Its not your job to make sure she doesn't relapse- you have done more then enough for her. As far as your son- can he be grounded? I would have been grounded for a month if I ever treated my parents the way he treated you. Your husband needs to help you handle your sons outbursts. ALso im so sorry that your husband yells at you a lot- I have been there, and it feels terrible. It makes one feel low, and disrespected. I think you need to have a long talk with your husband about how it makes you feel, and that now the kids are treating you with the same disrespect.

Try to do something for YOU tomorrow- something you enjoy.

I also just wanted to add, that possibly your daughters problem with addiction is affecting your son poorly- that may be one of the root causes of his anger. Maybe he needs some therapy for how to move through this difficult time, or maybe he could go to some Nar meetings with you to help him cope? Hes looking to blame someone for his sisters addiction and it seems hes blaming you.

Take care of you first and learn to set some boundaries.

They are all adults except the 14 year old and if they want to jump or scream or get ugly....then let them go somewhere else. Catering to them only reinforces their behavior. Its difficult not to as it's something learned over time by all parties but eventually after you say "no" many...many times they will get it. They don't have to like it but you deserve respect.

The 14 year old .....same thing. Allow him to find another way to get a phone. He disrespects you yet gets a phone anyway. He is learning how to treat you.

Your husband....well thats your marriage and I am not sure what to say about that....but I would hope that you gain strength over time to stand up for yourself.

Get some support and help. It's one step at a time for all of us. It won't happen overnight but if you start moving forward you will eventually get there.

After reading so many of your posts, I get a sense of what a warm, caring person you are. We all have a breaking point; what I don't want to happen is for you to sweep this under the rug after everyone calms down & most likely they will. I would try to talk with your husband first; I know husbands/wives don't always agree; but lots of yelling is not good for you, and in truth not good for the kids in the home. It creates tension, and being yelled at does erode something inside a person. Could this be why your son thinks it's ok to yell at mom? Because dad gets away with it? If so, that line of thinking needs to stop; dad needs to put a stop to it by setting an example, laying down the rules of respect towards you, and all women. Something needs to change in terms of communication - your house should be a home, not a prison.

My husband and I used marriage counseling to help us work out issues during early recovery. We also both did private therapy. It was sometimes difficult, but very beneficial. Parents go through so much when their child suffers from an addiction; all relationships are injured. Consider marriage counseling, individual counseling, or some type of family counseling with the kids involved. Many providers work on a sliding scale if it's not covered by insurance. A few mediated sessions might be a great benefit to everyone. If he won't go, the older girls won't go, then you go - start with yourself.

After I started working with a therapist myself; she explained I was suffering from a type of Post Traumatic Stress from the time where my life got turned upside down by my husbands addiction. I had never thought of it like that until she mentioned it, but then it did make sense to me. Therapy helped.

Your son may also be suffering his own emotional distress because of what's happened due to his sisters addiction issues. It can present in many unusual behaviors. His actions as you described do sound angry, but they also sound scared. He was wanting you to get his sister because he was worried about her, and the addiction. I really believe you have a caring family, but right now everyone is hurting in some way.

Thinking of you tonight; we are all here for you TwoFish just like your here for all of us. You offer such great support, compassion. Your a very special person.

TF, I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this right now. It makes me so sad to think about you hurting. You most certainly do not deserve this type of treatment. You did not cause your daughter's addiction, you didn't lose your son's phone and you didn't sign up to be anybody's punching bag. The fact that you were using your last credit card so soon before you had a meeting to go to is generous! Very generous! Your son lost his phone (one way or another) he should pay at least a portion of the cost to replace it and it will get done when you and/or your husband have time. I know it may be inconvenient for him but he won't die without a phone. The tantrum throwing would be enough to solidify my decision to ground him from the phone. No way is it ok for him to yell at you and break things! As for your daughter wanting you to be at her beck and call 24/7, I'm sure that's very difficult for you bc you want to help her but you have a life too and it extends beyond more than being her mother. As someone else stated, it's not ok to jump out of moving vehicles. It's just not. It's also not ok to abandon your own mother while she's crying so that you can put a guilt trip on her. You definitely need a break and maybe your family needs a reminder of all the things you do to help each of them. I hope that you stand up to them and show them that if they don't like what you're doing for them, then you can always start doing less! That's what my mom always tells my sister and I when we act bratty to her.

TwoFish, you are good person, but you are being stepped on. I can't say I haven't been there before. That being said, I would not allow my children to throw things no matter what age. My son once put his arm around my neck in a tight hug when he was a teenager and he was high on weed (he was mad about something), and I almost passed out. My husband went off. It was made very clear to him by my husband and I and the rest of the family that he would be put in jail or worse put in the hospital for laying a hand on his mother. I realized how strong a teenage boy can be and needed to set some strong boundaries quick! It was made so clear to him that that was not going to ever happen again and it hasn't. He is very gentle with me and very respectful of my husband.

Addiction is very sneaky and can make people cross lines they wouldn't think they would. If you son is that angry, I would keep an eye on that. Marijuana was my son's drug of choice in the teenage years. By the way, why is everyone yelling at you? You are sweet. It doesn't seem that you are getting the respect you deserve...I understand children, but not your husband. Children go through phases. Tell your family that you are not going to put up with the disrespect. Don't engage in the argument. Tell them when they want to have a rational and respectful conversation you will participate, other than that no.

When my AS starts going on and is mad about life or whatever, I tell him that there's no point in the conversation because we are both going to get upset and things will be worse. Now, he's the one that will say "let's just stop now before it gets out of control." I know you don't want your daughter to relapse, but she is going to do what she is going to do and you are going to fall apart in the process. Think of relapse as a learning process. I'm trying to do that. It's kind of worked for me. Lots of hugs to you and don't be too sad, nothing lasts forever.

Thanks everyone for supporting me last night when my world fell apart. I went to bed crying and I'm still crying. I tried to wake my son up for school at 6am he said come back at 6:30. He will never make the bus and I will take him to school and he will argue or give me the silent treatment all the way. I'm going to break today, I just feel it. Something is gonna happen, I'm not sure what, I have a bad feeling about today. It's gonna have something to do with my husband blaming me for last night...I wish I never woke up.

if your son misses the bus, he can walk. or be truant and tell them why. you cant keep taking responsibility for others bad behavior, including your husband.
really you are not their doormat.

When we reach the breaking point it's really important to just put on the brakes and let the world run without us for a while, until we regain our balance and set some firm boundaries that they won't like for one minute...but if we stick to them, they will learn that the days of treating us like a doormat are over.

It's not right to fear those who we love most. And those who love us should never purposely scare us. See the dysfunction here?

My heart goes out to you. I lived in dysfunction for years and years and when I finally said "enough, this stops now!" it stopped.

Hugs and hugs, please take good care of yourself today.

Twofish,
You have the power decide what type of day it will be. You do not have the power to decide what type of day it will be for others.
Put yourself first today...all day...you are worth it.

TF I'm so sorry for all of this. Sadly its up to us to change the situation (even though we would like to be taken care of just once!). Heal yourself, this is the most important thing, and if your family follows suit, you've won. If not then next steps need to happen. The question you have to ask is: if you have to lock yourself in a room from your son at 14, how bad will it be when he's 16/17 and bigger. And even worse, he will start to think its acceptable and do you want him doing this to his future partners?

Hello my friends, Last nights pain still lingers in my brain and heart. I'm still confused about why this happened, we were doing so well, or so I thought. I want so much to call my RAD therapist and tell her what happened and what I should do about it or not do about it. Just some more support from a person who knows more about her addiction than I do. So unusual for a recovering addict who has had sooo much therapy to NOT know what an addictive voice is or what it does to a persons thinking? I think that bothered and upset me more that her blaming me and her fathers arguing on her becoming an addict. My AD knows how serious I take this addiction and recover to sobriety, how helpful SR is to me and how supportive face to face meetings are to me. Is she just pushing my buttons? Being influenced by her AV? And yes I certainly do believe in something you can't see, an AV. Now for the 14 yr old...The boy missed the bus, sat in his room this morning playing video games. I said get outta your bed,,get dressed and get in the car. He got ready in S L O W motion got in the car and proceeded to tell me I have an anger problem. I ignored the bait and asked him how he has so many bruises on his body?(he plays the choking game and Tap out game with his friends, plus the eraser game and God only knows what else) he first said he didn't know...Hummm, I said do better than that, then he said he fell down. The bruises are on his arms as far as I can see.Very large ugly concerning bruises. I let it go and told him to take the bus home, I'm not a taxi service any longer. I said have a good day and that I loved him, he didn't say anything(do you blame him!) and got out of the car. Then I cried, again, and called the school nurse, I don't want him labeled but I don't want him to turn into a drug addict either. I'm a nurse so Bonnie, the school RN and I are friends, professionally. I asked her to look at the sons bruises, then it just came out of my mouth about the pot pipe. Oh gosh, what have I done? She was calm and told me this is serious and she will have a drug talk with him and said to RUN to a therapy place and get him some help. Professionally, I'm 100% with her, but the judgement, labeling and the yelling and screaming that will be directed at me as soon as my husband and daughters and son finds out about this will be loud, long and painful to me, you friends at SR might even hear the yelling, it will be that bad, thinking about it frightens this mom that the tears are starting again, how can one person cry sooo much? So there, it's out. Then I went to see my Dr. a regular appt, I barely contained my emotions when I checked in. He saw the RAW emotions and thought I was in pain, no not a physical pain I said then told him the story. He said, drug test the boy, if negative, then he can have the phone back, if positive, then no phone til all drug tests come back negative. Good advice, you mommas already said that though. Get him into therapy too. I feel better as far as myself goes, but my boy, my sweet 14 yr old, who I'm so in denial about, I don't want him harmed anymore by a drug label on him. He has so much anger and pain inside, this will help I think, but if this harms him, I will never forgive myself, did I jump to conclusions, will the school treat him differently now, so many questions...I HATE drugs and alcohol and what addiction is doing to my sweet little family and all the other families that addiction has invaded in to. Sorry this is so long, it needed to come out and I am forever grateful to you, SR, for the support last night and today, it has helped me beyond what any words can express. Love is what I feel in cyber land, thank you friends, TF

A couple questions. You said your husband is verbally abusive and clearly your children have picked this up from someone. Do you know for a fact that your son is not being physically abused? That would explain alot of his anger. Secondly, why worry about the labels? If he is a drug user he is not worried about branding himself with that label. It is more important to get help than to avoid a label.

I agree about the drug tests and about getting help for all of you. Even if your son tests negative, there are major issues and you are taking a huge brunt of it yourself.

I hope you all get help right away. You are in my thought and prayers. God Bless.

My heart goes out to you for what you are experiencing. Unfortunately I know I soon will be facing my own dilemmas.
We are nurses, we are moms, it is in our blood to care for others and most times we fail to take care of ourselves. Always leaving our needs until everyone else is taken care of. But in this process, I have learned I am no good to anyone if I can't take care of me. I have recently started counseling for myself. This disease affects everyone around us and in order to help others, I have to first help myself.
My prayers are with you and your family praying for peace and healing.
God Bless.

Hey mommas and dads of SR, I know what you're thinking...the label issue I'm concerned about. I have and my family have been judged and talked and gossiped about for the entire summer and then some. Words hurt, very much, I just didn't want to add a label onto my son. At high school, the one he goes to, has a high rate of children experimenting and addiction to illegal and legal drugs. I have found a pot pipe in his room and smelled pot odor in his room twice now. He demoralizes it, saying mom, it's only weed, everyone smokes weed...well I don't. His 2 sisters are recovering Heroin addicts, 19 and 22 yrs old, that's young to me. He hates school already and if they treat him differently, I fear he may rebel to the point that truancy is involved. I'm sure this test will turn up positive for pot, but I pray that it stops there, we have caught this one early enough that treatment or counseling may help. Support, he's not alone and some of the friends he has that don't get high on weed will still be his friend. Maybe I'm getting overboard on this or making a mountain outta a molehill. I just want to gently guide him in the sobriety direction, not have some uneducated person on substance abuse tell him he will be a loser if this continues. My personal Dr. recommended it, the school nurse recommended it, I have a call in to his pediatrician to have a confidential talk and ask him what is the best approach to this. So I hope that satisfies some of your questions as to why I'm thinking the way I'm thinking. I can't even see straight, I'm exhausted, scared, frightened and very worried that my youngest, and third child may have found the road to addiction, like the other two have. If I catch this in time, way before pills and heroin are involved, he will at least have a fighting chance to get off the highway of addiction, take the exit to sobriety and at least enjoy the youth that has been robbed from so many children. Please understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. Life is so short as it is, lets leave addiction outta this boys future. TF

TwoFish - I grew up in a verbally abusive household. I became a drug-addict to sooth a lot of pain and reality, my sister had an eating disorder for all of her years of high school and then married a physically abusive man (thankfully divorced) yet, she still suffers mentally, my brother has an un-diagnosed eating disorder (starves himself all day) then eats only certain foods at night and is unable to keep anytime of healthy relationship with any women and he's also verbally abusive, and my youngest sister married a drug addict with known psychiatric problems.
My mom is the sweetest, kindest most loving person anyone knows. She puts herself last all the time. She is the definition of martyr. I love my mom more than anything in this World. My dad wasn't a bad person, but he was very mean to my mom and she was very mean to him. We grew up with them arguing all the time and it did affect all of us. I'm the oldest. I wished they would get divorced.... all through high school. But that was their relationship. It was unique and their own, and they loved each other in their own dysfunctional way.
I NEVER blamed my parents. Yet, I think that we all lacked a certain amount of control of our environment. It was the chaos. I was able to heal the most out of the house, when I moved into my own place. I'm still healing today.
I think life is too short to deal with abuse in any way. I dealt with it my whole life, and now all I want is peace.
If you find peace and happiness, your kids will see it.
I love both my parents, but they were unable to provide a loving environment which I really needed. Yet, sometimes it was. Some days were wonderful!!! But, the days that it wasn't... did the damage.
With kindness and love. Don't read too much into this.. I just want you to understand that finding peace will heal damage.

Like all of our kids, if love cured addiction, the substance abuse facilities and therapists would be out of a job.
The choking game? Deadly. Scary.
That you locked yourself in the bedroom to be away and safe from his anger?
The pot? if he's using it in the home, then it would seem that it has gone beyond experimentation. And as much as you can guide and educate, like your daughters he will have to make his own decisions and have his own journey. We didn't cause addiction.
We can't control addiction. We can't cure addiction. Fight like hell, get him into counseling but ... those are 3 red flags I noted.
And agree with the others, help yourself. Nothing changes until we change ourself. No one deserves to be treated the way you were.

TF- If you feel as a mother that your son needs to be drug tested- Then don't feel bad about it. Hes only 14 so you still have a huge say in his life. Hes young and yes probably smokes pot, but you know that it can lead to more serious drugs. Do what you feel is right for your child- bc that's just what he is- a child. I don't know that the pot is the reason fro his anger outbursts though- Actually I doubt it is. Hes angry about the turmoil in the family due to his sisters addiction- something very scary for such a young man to see first hand. Hes learned from his father that yelling at his mother is an acceptable way to deal with his anger. I think he really needs a good grounding, and after he has calmed down from the grounding that you give him- then talk to him about boundries and respect.

I think your first step is to try having a calm talk with your husband about your sons ager towards you, and tell your husband to start setting a good example for his child. Make it your husbands responsibility and yes I know- much easier said then done. I think the second step is a drug test for your son- It will scare him into not smoking pot for the time being. And third step is to definitely get your son into therapy- hes having a hard time coping with the addiction in the family.

Please don't forget about yourself either. Do something that you enjoy for you! Even if its just a long walk by yourself to clear your head. You do not deserve to be crying and this upset- Do something that will make you laugh. Please take care of yourself.

Hi SR, Do you think I have along with my husband (who doesn't live with us) have done sooo much damage to our 3 kids that it can't be repaired? Is it too late for these innocent children that it sounds like I have damaged? I am getting nervous again, what can I do to help them? Please don't confirm that it's too late to help these kids, especially the 14 yr old? They grew up so happy...always holding my hand , wanting to sit by me, saying they loved me? Any storm that happened outside they all climbed into our bed to cuddle. I've damaged my children, now what? Is it too late? TF