stay strong, and safe. you have been taking awesome steps to hang onto yourself and make your home safe and peaceful. you and yours are in my prayers.

[QUOTE=hopeful4;4451917]He has proven that he lies. He has proven he is still lazy. He has proven he smokes behind your back. He has proven he is not in control of his anger. Tell me again why you would feel any guilt about not having him in your home??

Habbit?

We have been together for 13 years. You get used to things, even if they are not good for you. ...I guess. .....

AH is very good at making me feel guilty, second guessing myself. Sitting here, away from him at my desk, I know that I am happier when he is not around, dragging me down. I am not wondering if something I do or say, or that the kids do or say is going to start him yelling, handing out punishments that don't fit the 'crime' etc. But when he gets talking, he makes me second guess myself - maybe I am really wrong; maybe I have set my mind and am not giving him a fair chance; maybe my own behaviour did contribute significantly to the problems. ....



And so i want to make sure I am also looking inward. I just need to know that I have made every effort possible, and that I have also kept my kids best interest pririty #1.

I understand. We get into a comfort zone even when it not very comfortable for us. Change is scary, I get that too. I will say what I have heard and said on here over and over. Look at his behavior over the long term, ignore words, they mean nothing.

Blessings.

Until he can walk thru the door and maintain the same peace and calmness during his visit that existed prior to him walking thru the door.....

DONT LET HIM BACK IN

So far, so good. My SIL and BIL are back in town, and so I have at least one more person in my corner.

I agreed to couples counselling,with an addictions therapist. We will see where that goes. I want to know in my heart that I put forth every effort, if (when?) things don't work out.

I want my life to be about my kids and myself, and not about AH's addiction and behaviour! Right now we are in limbo. I hope this counselling will move things along, in whatever direction it needs to go.

AH made the weekend completely miserable. He would not let up, kept calling and texting me, having arguments and trying to push me into admitting it is my fault he isn't living at home.

He actually said that I am responsible for his behaviour. Then he reconsidered, and said I was at least partially responsible for his behaviour. Then he reconsidered that too and said that I am responsible for making him the monster that he is.

AH's father even showed up at my door to tell me I am a liar, and accuse me of abusing my children. AH threatened to call my Mommy on me, and tell her what a bad person I am. He also threatened to tell her about my previous drug use, and drag other members of my family through the mud.

At one point AH would not stop yelling at me over the phone, and I explained to him he was not staying calm, and he was making me upset, and I would not continue the conversation. i had to hang up on him. He started calling back over and over. After about 25 minutes straight of the phone ringing, I answered it and told him I was not going to have another argument, I gave him several minutes of telling me what a bad person I am, and then hung up on him again. He Continued calling, we went another round, and then I blocked his number, so he started calling from another number . .... he called for over 2 hours straight, and I was honestly afraid that he would come to the house, do something stupid, cause another sceen or try to take the kids.

I agreed to couples counselling,with an addictions therapist. We will see where that goes. I want to know in my heart that I put forth every effort, if (when?) things don't work out.

i'd suggest that things already are NOT working out!? this is more than something that can be fixed by a few anger management sessions and some counseling. this is a very hostile abusive man with deep seeded anger and resentment against YOU. the fact that he said after the complete verbal phone/text assualt berating, belitting, and debasing your person and character that was the only way he KNEW to get you back says really all there is to say.

do you have your own therapist? that would be a FAR better use of your money and your time. you need support to gain strength to not continue to be his victim. and to not keep giving him more chances to hurt you.

you don't need to answer the phone every time he calls, and then get into lengthy arguments. nor read or respond to every text. the sooner you take affirmative protective actions the better. take a factual look at exactly what you are dealing with here....do NOT let him come home. nothing has changed.

Most addiction specialists will say that the addiction is the primary diagnosis-anger management is nice, but until he gets treatment/help for managaing the addiction and getting to a place of recovery, I don't know that a lot will change.

In addiction treatment (or NA/steps) he will learn that he is responsible for his own behaviors-no more "you made me do it".

Boundaries and clarity would be good. If I may, in defense of your husband, if he is under the impression that if he "gets help" he can come home, then being told he is not welcome, when from his perspective he is really trying-quit smoking, quit MJ, saw doc for antidepressant, going to anger management, responsibly signed kids up for more activities so he can be more engaged with them and is showing up on schedule to get them there, etc. but despite all these efforts, he is still being told he is not welcome, I can see how that feels frustrating.

It sounds like you want to see a pattern of professional help and several behavior changes on his part, over a period of time, before you would want to have him back in the home. Is he clear on that? Are you guys on the same page?

If all of this could be discussed and clarified (and based on what you've said, probably best to do this with a therapist or mediator) maybe it would give each of you the space to work on your own recovery's so that you CAN get to a place where you can feel eachother are making progress, trust can be regained, etc. And there are no hard and fast rules about this stuff-from what you've said here, it seems like living apart for now may indeed be best-for how long, that's up to you if you want to give it a month, 3 months, 6 months or a year, or whatever-with the right to mutually re-evaluate at whatever parameters you lay out for yourselves. Some will go no contact/pre-scheduled visits with kids only-maybe that will be best for you, at least at first, or maybe something else-all stuff you'll have to figure out together and/or with a therapist/mediator.

Sounds like you are both having a hard time. The best thing you can do right now is gain clarity on your own boundaries and work on you, so he can be free to work on him (or not). One step at a time.

Yes, things are already not working out LOL Good point. I guess I meant in the long term -- will we ever be able to get to a good place again, or is the marriage over for good.

No, I don't have my own therapist at the moment. I do need support, and I am finding a great deal of it here on SR. The more I read, and the more I post, the more clear my thinking becomes.

Right now I can only keep asking him not to come home. Legally, I cannot stop him from coming home, since it is "the family home". We both have equal right to live there. I have not lost my resolve, and if he chose to move home, I might have to move out with the kids. That would be significantly more inconvenient than living there without a driver for the time being. I want to keep things as smooth as possible for the kids, let them finish their school year; I will have to move into the city this summer, something I never wanted, but I am an adult, and I can put my wants aside for the needs of the children.

I would strongly suggest YOU seek therapy on your own for you. We codies are addicted to relationships good or bad, that is our main focus. Fix them so the RELATIONSHIP works is our thinking.

He needs seperate recovery/therapy way beyond what a marriage counselor could offer. YOU need therapy to address your codependency issues and get yourself to a stronger place in life.............so see, each of you needs very seperate kinds of therapy long before any kind of marriage counseling could come into play.

Hmm, yes. Um. ... Oops? I suppose I need to appologize to him for that. ..
Darn it!

He chose to leave, and after 4 days he called to ask if he could come home. By then I had decided it was better that he was gone, for the time. So I probably did say he needed to get help for his anger, which was the major problem at the time. He had already taken steps to quit smoking, try to get help for his chronic pain, so he would not have any more excuses for smoking weed. ... So at the time the anger was the biggest problem. So he went and signed up for Anger Management. He is telling anyone who will listen that he has quit smoking weed, cold turkey, no help. I just can't see how that can be true, and because he lies about positively everything, why should I?

That being said, you are right. So I need to set some clear expectations, and set out measurement criteria for those expectations. (wow, I don't work for the gov't or anything! LOL) Now we get down to the hard part. ...how?

Right. This is exactly the sort of thing I need. I think I am stuck on being hurt, and not being able to trust him. He has been horrible to the kids and I, and then he is nice and then back to horrible. I hold onto the ideal of the loving family, living in the country, the yard, the pool, the kids in activities. .. gifts (of any sort, flowers, card, hug?) for birthdays and Christmas (particularly the sort that aren't what he wants instead of what I would want), being able to go out in public without anyone causing a scene. .. but realistically, will he ever be able to be any of those things?

What is best for the kids? Having a part-time father who might be able to keep it together for a few hours at a time, or a full time father who might be able to stay calm for a few hours at a time? How long should I continue to wait, hope, push, pull, drag . ... and who is that helping?

421....
Would you say you are just trying to work your way up to NORMAL?

Since when do any of us need to settle for "less than" ?

Normal is just a benchmark.

There is no one sitting on that bench!

LOL

Do you mean - i am just wishing that my life had been what most people in this culture would expect? Hmmm. ..... probably eh?

I think I have decided that my life is happier in the last 3 weeks, on the whole, than it has been in the last 4 years. What I can't get past is Can we get back to what we had before whatever happened to change him 4 years ago? Should I wait around for it? Is it reasonable to think that AH can work through his issues, and will that bring happiness into the household?

I'm sure no one can say, and no one can choose for me.

I love AH. I love my 3 beautiful children! None of us are happy. AH had to leave. The kids and I are falling into a new routine, and there is a lot less crying and fighting, and there is starting to be laughing and a lot of "I love you"'s even from one kid to another. There is a lot less door slamming, almost none actually. No one has broken anything out of anger, and the walls have no new dammage. I am not spending all my time looking out the window to see if AH is out there smoking, or if he has finally come home, or if he has snuck away without telling anyone.

Okay, bottom line, things are MUCH better now without AH there, the way he was. That is the easy part. The hard part is I can't stop asking: can he change? Should I wait? WHAT WILL HAPPEN???