Hi Bunkie thank you for such wise words. What you say makes absolute sense. Everything you wrote resonates strongly with me. Just for the record - H is not my husband. It is the initial for his first name. But we have been in each others' lives for over 10 years...
Yes, this is it - finally getting my head and heart on the same page. I have finally reached that point of 'enough' ' I cant take this anymore'. That so much emotion was embroiled in mess, lies, confusion. I finally had enough where I accepted that every interaction with H over the past few months (well 99%) left me feeling either on a total high (completely false and unhealthy) or left me feeling bewildered, hurt, sad, confused - and always, always a nigging feeling in my gut. So for my own self preservation I have gone no contact.
I use to dwell on a future with H. I do pray for his recovery and I wish him well. But right now - as I sit here - I don't believe there is a chance for a healthy future. So I focus on MY future. And my son's future. I also finally got up the courage to go no contact - when it no longer took 'courage'. It was no longer a concept that made me uncomfortable. It is medicine for me - to heal. I have so many issues and can so easily be drawn back into H' world. I realised with an awful jolt that I use to spend so many hours thinking about H - and not getting on with my own life. I don't want to waste anymore precious hours. I THINK I am in that space too - that whatever happens to H - after rehab - that it is not my story anymore.
God bless you too!

Laura,

I was not married to my ex either. I too spent hours hopung, wishing and projecting outcomes! I have to be very mindful of where iam? Mentally emotionally spiritually, examination of my motives. Gods will vs my will, what's best for the greater number? Healing from the chaos and hurt from my childhood and the tools I had to "survive"and how that all tied into today? I don't want to just survive anymore, I want to live! Live a life that is not dictated by manipulation, fear, confusion, dispear, sadness, anger, rage, resentments, guilt. Feeling sorry for myself because of the shity hand I was dealt. I want to live in peace, feel joy, share joy, kindness, strength, courageous, balanced, grounded and surround myself with people that strive for the same!

It certainly is and has been a journey to get to where I am today from where I was. I know im on the right road and im changing into someone I know and like. And im learning to take care of me, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I have a different set of tools to live my life they way I want to. I have to keep working at it and pratice what I have learned and be open to grow and learn more!

One day at a time! And remember its progress not perfection! Allowing and asking God to show me, heal me and guide me and then be willing, even if its uncomfortable at first, have been the keys to unlock the doors of my understanding. He always provides for me and is always there to lead me, I have to makee the choice to take his hand or the keys he gives me and be willing to trust he knows best!

God bless you too laura and your son, I think you have just the one!? I will say a prayer for you "H", you and your son! Stay strong and true to yourself!