A new level of heartbreak...AS isn't allowed home for Christmas :(
 

The last time he was in my home (in October, the day before entering rehab), before he left I asked him to empty his pockets and I patted him down. He had about $200 worth of sterling silver in his pockets ...heavy silver wire that I use for jewelry making. I was absolutely nauseous and told him then he will never be allowed to cross my threshold again. That means he won't be allowed to come for Christmas and I'm finding this to be extremely heartbreaking. I guess it's just another step along this path to hell.

I love him so much and I'm REALLY struggling with this one. I guess I'll just meet up with him and buy him a meal somewhere or invite him to go to church with us. How sad that it's come to this.

I'm sorry for your pain but if he's stealing from you it's for the best. Not being allowed to enter your house is a very logical consequence for theft. He's lucky you didn't turn him into the police. Nothing wrong with meeting for a meal and going to church.

I'm so sorry tjp.....I understand how you feel. It's so hard.......my fear was always that he wouldn't understand how much I love him. They do know how much we love them...even when they say they don't. They know that what we have to do is a consequence of their actions.

I won't be seeing my son on Christmas either. He is still in the 30 "no contact" time through Christmas at the SA-ARC. I have prayed long and hard to figure out if I should send him a card or anything.....and the "answer" I keep getting is "Let it be". So I'll get through it. I know in my heart that he knows in his heart that I love him dearly and Christmas (in the big scope of things) is just a day.

I hope that you can find acceptance in knowing that not being able to come to your house is a consequence of his actions......it is not a punishment.

much love and gentle hugs
ke

Hi tjp, I'm sooo sorry and understand the pain, too.

My stepson finished 30 days in patient rehab and is in a sober living facility now. Even if he were somewhere nearby and allowed to come, I would not feel comfortable inviting him to Christmas dinner. I'm not completely over his 'crack crazies' when he was quite dangerous--I don't trust him. I love him, but I don't trust him.

I hope that you will be able to find some peace and joy for Christmas. :hug:

I don't believe this is a step on the way to hell. Not by a long shot.

What I do believe, though, is there was a time not too long ago where you would have overlooked the actions of your AS and, despite them, allow him home from Christmas. And now, your boundaries have improved and you're allowing your innate sense of what's right and wrong to dictate those boundaries. He stole from you. Not cool.

Of course, you're going to feel awful that your son can't be with you for Christmas, and I get that. But the truth is he has to earn your trust again. Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean he gets a day pass from you. The good news is you can decide how good or how bad your Christmas is going to be. Pray for him, pray for yourself, and keep pushing forward. That's all you can do.

Hang in there...

ZoSo

My son is not quit 17 and I feel the same way as you. His last home visit, he stole a hidden and forgotten about RX of mine, stole 15 of them, taped them to his leg and snuck them into the program. This was all done under a watchful eye on him too. He was then kicked out but was given a "second" chance after a lot of pleading by me, only to get kicked out again in less then a month.

I have the choice to lock up everything, play warden with a lot anxiety or take him to dinner and a movie. (He refuses to go back to our church now because of something he did and doesn't want to own).

It breaks my heart that I feel this way but I have to think of my own sanity too.

P.S. To add to my guilt, the staff is "encouraging" me to allow him to come home for the day. ughhhhhhh

Wow. I often hear about parents becoming like the "sobriety police" buy you actually patted him down like narcotics cop. I bet he was surprised but that sent him a message loud & clear.
That you were not going to tolerate his behavior.

tjp, may I offer another thought? We and our Addicts are programmed by the past. His behavior under your roof most likely would continue because "do what you know". I speak entirely from experience here :). My son was kicked out of the house , then brought back, then he moved out, then he pleaded to come back. In each scenario, there were a few good weeks, then the normal behaviors of my codependency and his sneaking around, lying, stealing would begin. This relationship was so toxic, it nearly cost my family.
I also hurt that I won't see JJ for Christmas (he is still in jail), but if he was out, I would still not allow him in the home until I see an entirely different programmed response. That will come from his embracing his sobriety.
I should have asked earlier, aren't you allowed to see him at the SLE or the rehab ?
Hugs for you during this hard time.
Love
TT

He left the sle and is couch surfing.... You know what comes next

I am sorry for your pain over this, TJP. It is so painful to stick to our boundaries around holidays, birthdays, anniversaries...all those emotionally-laden times of year when we codies just want to love everyone regardless...

If I were in your shoes, I'd be sad, too, but comforted to have the chance to do something together that day. A movie and a meal sounds like a good option. I hope you can move past the sorrow--because it is really about him stealing and not about the holiday--hold your ground and enjoy some time that day.

Take care.

Another that the AS will not be visiting for the holidays! As I have no way of contacting him the only gift that I could send, and really the only one he wants, would be a money pack. NOPE! So gifts are out, this is the first year for that.

I struggled with it a for a few days and IMO (at least my family) has lost sight of what Christmas is really all about - it has turned so commercial. So this year hubby and I scaled back.

We had our family party last weekend and he hasn't made that trip in many, many years. I have druggie family his age I don't care to have him around, so that is for the best.

I watched 'Christmas With the Kranks', where the entire neighborhood turned on them for skipping Christmas lol!!!

If you can meet him for a meal, it may ease your heart. I plan on having a quiet day and dinner for hubby and I. My own religious service in my house.

So sorry tjp. :c020:

These damn drugs take hold and keep them hostages!! I will continue to pray that he breaks free from it for good.

It's so heartbreaking, I know!!

Tjp, my As is on his way here right now but will only be allowed in the house for a short visit (not overnight). He lives four hours away and drove back with his friend to help load some stuff for the house the friend is renting. He had been doing very well over the spring and summer and then relapsed early fall. Fortunately, he was arrested the day after the relapse and spent a month in jail. He then went to a 21 day rehab and is now out and attending a probation ordered IOP four nights a week for three hours (and loves it). He also has a very decent job that has a future and seems to be doing good...... Today. He is on a wait list for a SLE, living with a friend with five years of clean time (of a different DOC). He has presents for his sister, grandmother and me, and I bought him some jeans and a sweatshirt (which he needs).

So even though he is doing well, I have already locked anything of any value in my safe. Fool me once!

I am looking forward to seeing him even though it was a difficult decision to allow his visit. He has also quit smoking which makes me happy. One day at a time.

Hugs to all the mothers and fathers of AS's and D's during this difficult time of the year.

Whaty

tjp, I will be praying for you and thinking of you during this holiday season. You made a boundary for you and as you know you have to stick with it however painful it may be.
I so hate drugs

I echo craziebabie----I hate these drugs and what they
do to steal people's lives away from them!!!!
Pure,undistilled EVIL!

((TJP)) - Awww, sweetie, I can only imagine how much this hurts.

However, let me put this in perspective (maybe) from the A's view. When I was using, Christmas was "just another day". Though I did realize what day it was, my MO was "get drugs, get high, get numb".

Now, I will tell you...I had major twinges of remorse that I wasn't with family, but I drowned it with drugs. Even when I was new to recovery, I wasn't quite ready for the "family thing".

Your son knows you love him. Of that I have no doubt. He may not like the consequences, and I know they hurt YOU, but IMO, you are doing amazing! Remember...part of my bottom was realizing my family was going on with their lives, regardless of what I did.

I can also say that those times my dad hunted me down and took me to lunch at the park? Priceless:) I don't recommend that for people, but my dad is a codie and he only did it a few times a year. I HATED it at the time, as it ripped my heart out to see what I was putting him through, but now that I'm in recovery, I respect and appreciate it.

So, maybe have lunch with him? If he whines about not being allowed home, I would calmly remind him HIS actions led to that decision. You didn't kick him out, you let him deal with the consequences of his action.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

No he's not whining about it. He says he understands but he still would like to spend time with me....somehow.... So, like where do you go hang out on Christmas Day if not at home? Where do you eat if not at home? It's just so awkward :( I hate this.

As for gifts, I got him a new backpack. I figure he'll be needing it soon.

Many Chinese Restaurants are open. What about a movie?

((tjp)) - ((LMN)) is right - there are a few restaurants that are open on Christmas day, and there are always new movies that come out on that day.

If you would have told me Church's fried chicken eaten in a park would be "special", at one time, I would have told you you were crazy!! That's what dad and I did.

It wasn't what we ate or where we went, and I think your son is the same. I'm sure there are places that are open on Christmas day, and you will find something that works. It's not where you are, where you eat. You're still a mama, despite his addiction. He wants to spend time with you and no matter what you do, it will be just fine:)

Heck, pack a lunch and drive around looking at Christmas or something? I like the backpack - I definitely could have used that at one time.

You're going to be okay, sweetie. This has got to be hard, but you have come SO far, and I'm really proud of you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

You're right, Amy...as always.

Thanks everyone. You are all such a comfortable presence in my life. Don't know where I'd be without SR. (((hugs)))