So far, I have gone for one counselling session. I am supposed to go back next week. We only talked about my stress level, and she wanted me to go to the doc and get pills, or move out for a week. It seemed to be to be a standard routine though, since I didn't really get into much of my personal situation with her.

If I go to NA or another group meeting, they all seem to be in the evenigns, and how would I get there? What would I do witht he kids while I went? I figured the counselling would be better, since I can go while I am supposed to be at work, get there by using public transportation, and AH doesn'T need to know about it.

So what can I do when AH is flying off the handle at everything the kids do because he is out of weed, and can't get any for whatever reason at that moment?

This is good stuff. I appreciate you sharing your experience and knowledge :)

When AH is using every day, and going out every night and not getting any sleep, getting to work late and being threatened with is job, yeah, that's how I see him.

When he has some moments of clarity, backs off a bit on smoking, stays home a bit more, gets more sleep and gets to work on time. .... well then things are pretty good. He stays calm with the kids, he is patient and caring, he tells jokes and smiles and laughs all the time.

You are right that the way things are right now isn't ideal for the kids, or for me. Like most of the other people I read here, I am trying to find a way to work it out for me and the kids - to see if there are alternatives without kicking AH to the curb.

We just spent a year trying to sell our home, an entire year of not living in the house, only coming home to sleep, eating out all the time, frantic cleaning and getting out for showing after showing. The kids had most of their toys packed up for a year, Mommy was really stressed out because she didn't have much help getting the house ready for showings, and then we had to find somewhere to live in short order, once the house did sell.

We have been in the new house for a year, but it is much smaller and a lot of our stuff is still packed. I don't want to go through that again now. I cannot afford to keep the house if I move somewhere else. I would have to live in it until it was sold. There has to be another way. ..

On top of that, I keep seeing glimpses of the man I fell in love with. he is in there . . . . why can't I have him back?

I have absolutely shared that with him. Before we ever got married or lived together, I was living in the city in order to go to college. At that time we had a lot of long discussions about how life would be if we stayed together. We both agreed that we belong in a small town. We were both raised in small towns, and we both tried living in the city for a time, and both prefer the small town life.

We talked about the lack of public transportation, and how he'd be the only driver and therefore if I had somewhere I needed to go, he'd have to get me there. Even after he'd asked me to move in with him, I made him wait for months and months, thinking about it, talking about it. It's a job he signed up for.

Before we had kids we went through it all again. We agreed that we did not want to raise children in the city, it is not the kind of lifestyle we want for our children, the schools are not as safe. The cost of living is higher in the city also. We don't have to pay for city water, sewer, our property taxes are lower, daycare is $50 for all 3 of my children per day, compared to $35 - $45 per child per day in the city. There are a ton of reasons we chose to live where we do.

I had thought of hiring a nanny/housekeeper who could drive, and do the groceries and that would make things so much better, but I don't see how I can afford it. That would allow me to live where and how I want to live without him being in control, and being able to use his driving against me -- and he does.

I don't know how many times he has threatened to leve me behind because the kids aren't getting ready fast enough, or how many times he has actually refused to drive and we've missed our plans because he was angry. That to me is despicable, using my vision against me. DESPICABLE.

yea.....he's holding you hostage.

The only thing to do is start working the phones and seeing who has services available to you. There has to be someone who drives.

My dad has macular degeneration and can no longer drive. When my mom died suddenly in February...that left my dad with no driver. I was leaving my husband anyway....so I just stayed to help my dad.

I could NEVER imagine trying to yield power like that over my dad.....that is just wrong and not how you treat someone you love.

Does Ontario have a commission for the blind?

The meetings of particular good for you would be Alanon -- that is for the Friends and Families of A[lcoholic]s, but any more, we say any A (Addict, etc.) will do.

That is the side of things where you are now. I think I follow there are even online meetings, and there may be some in the larger cities that have daytime-lunch hour schedules. That is when you are in the city, correct? I recall one noon meeting I used to catch where folks would bring their lunch.

I am a little familiar with Ontario if you would like me/us to help you look for resources. Had friends in school in Guelph.

I would try to look into resources for this; even if you could find someone who was available only a couple days a week, or with a days notice. It would give you a margin of immediate freedom from relying on him. I know you said you live in a small town, but sometimes that can be a benefit when looking for help like this. If you check with local churches, or even if there is a senior center ( not saying your a senior ), but they might have resources, or people who volunteer services for driving. Our church has many retired folks, housewives who don't work, & they are always looking to help out other people; I think just because they enjoy it, or to give back. Just a thought.

Also, I was just catching up on your threads. It sounds like there is a lot of friction between you and your husband - actions and reactions. Totally understandable given the situation. I wanted to recommend a book for you. It was suggested to me by my therapist. It is based on the CRAFT theory (community reinforcement and family training). You can google that for info... but the book is a self help guide that teaches you how to observe patterns of behavior between you and your spouse. It teaches you to look at your actions and reactions & how to avoid conflict. The CRAFT method is also geared toward helping your loved one reach out for treatment. It has a proven success rate that is pretty impressive. Anyway, if your interested the book is called:
"Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening" by Robert J. Meyers You can look it up on amazon and read reviews and some from the first chapter. I have read it, and have used the techniques to help navigate early recovery with my husband. (I didn't know about it when he was actively using).

We have the Canadian National Institute for the Blind, but I find them pretty unhelpfull. THey are geared towards people on disability support income, seniors and war vets, and not towards active, working members of society who make their own living.

I am unmotivated today. I had another long heart to heart with my good friend last evening. He confessed that AH told him over the weekend that AH has had it, doesn't care about the marriage anymore, is tired of me "nagging and b*tching" and just wants out. He was not angry, we were not having a fight at the time, and as far as I know he was straight and sober at the time.

Now I am left wondering if there is any point in my trying to learn how to live with an active addict, how to help him to help himself etc. I had originally found the CRAFT method and was really tryign to find something like that in my area. The program I found offers family training, services for the addict, and then couples and marriage counselling once you get the A into recovery phase. The problem is the family part is in the evenings, and I have this transportation issue. I had even started to feel positive that I could somehow pull it off, but if AH feels the way he says he feels, then is there any point?

I'm going between sad and numb.

Let's steer the car baccckkk into (Y)OUR lane of the highway?

Tired of you "nagging and bitching."

yunno why? Chances are because . . . . well you know -- you may be nagging and bitching. Not saying there is not cause. And no doubt, Mrs. Hammer figured I was/am/have been nagging and bitching, too. Alanon helps me steer WAY Away from that -- because Alanon works on the only part of the equation I can work on -- ME. Same for you?

And again -- "how to help him to help himself etc." I would submit THAT is not your problem. His problem is HIS. Yours problems are YOURS. You follow how those pronouns work? Once you learn to watch the pronouns, you can start to track where and how to go. You follow that YOU cannot help him? And THAT is a wonderful thing. Leaves you free to help you.

Sounds like you may be feeling powerless and that life is becoming unmanagable? THAT is a most wonderful place to find yourself. It is Step 1.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over a_______ ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.

Um, yeah. And maybe making comments (not so) under my breath, and complaining about him to mutual friends, which he also hates 'cause then he feels like they have a lower opinion of him . .. . duh . ...

*sigh*

I just requested meeting info for a family meeting for al-anon. Maybe there are some close by during the day.

Keep hitting me over the head please Hammer ;)

Nothing but a thing. Just gives you some material for your 4th to 9th Step.

ALL things work together for Good . . . (you know the rest?).

Good. And there are likely some senior folks in other or further out groups that will help along as part of their Step 12 work.

Sorry. One of my character flaws.

You will find out about that stuff right about at Step 7.

Going home now, I only have a computer during the day, and my phone to read posts at night. I always try to check in at night after the kids are in bed, but find it too hard to post from my phone.

I haven't heard anything from Alanon. I have spent a good part of the day reading here, reading about divorce laws, checking out rent rates for houses and apartments in the city. Can't afford to live on my own with the kids. I hope he does not pull the pin.

Keep up the replies my friend, they bring clarity to my emotional thoughts. I am thinking of you and your three children, as I go home to my 3.

This is just the way I see it, but it sounds like your both are so very frustrated, both recognize something needs to change, and are reaching out to friends and others sharing your frustrations and feelings. It could actually be interpreted as being somewhat healthy; your both coming to the realization you deserve better. It could be a catalyst for change within the marriage, or it could be the beginning of the end of the marriage. That is something only you two can decide, and that takes communication.

I think your original plan sounded very good. The program I think would be very helpful to YOU. because CRAFT is about FAMILY and making YOUR life better regardless if the addicted person in your life seeks treatment or not. It just offers a two prong approach that can help both of you, and it has a strong focus on communication, and interpersonal relationships.

If logistics is an issue, a lot of it can be learned on your own initially and there is online support too. If I was in your shoes, I would probably try that, along with working with the current therapist, and then if it seems worthwhile see if there is a way to get to the evening family sessions, or maybe one of their therapists has 1:1 day appointments. Try out alanon also, see what works for you. You are the one that is important here, and finding resources that meet your specific needs. Anything you can do to add knowledge, or prepare for the future can benefit you; even consulting an attorney for a preliminary discussion on divorce is not a bad idea. It is also something that I did while separated from my husband because I felt it was necessary for me and my son. Take care of you and the kids first, and the rest will fall into place.

I have had a bad weekend. AH is out of weed and money. He was not interested in getting out of bed yesterday. Eventually he did and spent the day doing the avoid dance. He went outside for a smoke, went to buy more smokes, went to sit in the bathroom went back outside, back to the bathroom, cut the lawn because he doesn't have to deal with anyone... I made arrangements for us to go visit family last night. He waited until dinner was almost ready and then went to sleep on the couch. He was trying to avoid going. I managed to get him to take us, he spent about half an hour playing on their Internet and then went and slept in the van without telling anyone. Claimed to have a big headache. Today started off the sane. He had a headache and wasn't going to get out of bed. The kids have been at each others throats all weekend. I have been cleaning up the basement from a leaking pipe, and trying to get rid of stuff we never use anymore. When ds yelled at his sister that if she ever tried that again she was going to get the beating of her life I decided it was time to go and have another futile talk with ah of course that turned into a fight and fun him blowing a gasket. He said he wants a divorce, that our relationship isn't worth spending money on for counselling. He said he is angry with me for being stupid. Or acting stupid or something to that effect. He was angry I had tripped over the same thing three times yesterday while I had the house upside down. When I pointed out that I have been completely overwhelmed lately and have been doing everything with little to no help he just called me thick... Said I didn't understand anything. We had plans for today and couldn't go because of his big temper tantrum. Kids are upset that they didn't get to play at the beach. I'm upset that I had to tell them we weren't going anymore. I want my guardian angel to come and make it possible to get out of this situation right now. Make everything go away, let the kids and I be happy if ah can't see the light and get help.

Outta money + outta weed = unhappy stoner hubby.

I would totally leave him alone.

The more you drag this into your life, the more of this you are going to have in your life.

Yeah I have left him alone all day. All afternoon anyways. I have tried not to speak to him. Its hard to avoid him completely when he is out of weed every weekend and the weekends are the only time we, the kids and I, get to do anything fun. Weekdays are all about getting out of the house early to get to work, and then hurrying to eat dinner and get baths and bedtime done so I can get to bed on time since we can't get anywhere without him driving most weekends it's hard....

I hope you don't internalize his criticisms, because we all know you are doing the best you can without a lot of help from him! You are probably the glue holding the household together. When I logged in here I thought of you and wondered how you were doing. I'm sorry you had a rough weekend. It sounds like things are coming to a head, so to speak. Do you think he will really pursue divorce? I wondered this about my AH too, but honestly, it was too much trouble for him. I ended up leaving, but maybe your AH would consider moving out himself? Would you be able to stay at the house with the kids? Just a thought. Wishing you strength and clarity and opening doors to new possibilities.

If I am tracking this correctly, it seems his absolutely highest purpose at this point is to be a somewhat stoned chauffeur to drive (YOUR?) van around for you and the kids?

I would think a 17 year old neighbor kid could be hired to do that?

Am I missing something?

It's hard not to take things personally. He verbally goes for the throat when he is angry. Today he said he feels he is alone. His family and our friends are all telling him he needs help or he will lose his family. He said they are all wrong. That they are all getting their info from me and I am wrong. He says the problem is I am angry all the time and even though he has been trying to lay off the weed things don't change.

I don't see how I can stay here in the house if he leaves.

To be fair he does help but only when he feels like it or when I bitch loudly enough.

I don't like him very much when he is jonesing I don't see him very much when he has weed to smoke. Somewhere in the middle he is the guy I used to know.

It seems to me that the addict will always blame externally first. I am dealing with this right now. Everyone else is the problem. Everyone else is letting him down, not helping him etc. My husband never EVER acknowledges the pain I have gone through-- the stress, the financial destruction (my credit is ruined because of him), and so on. I'm a sucker for this and get snagged nearly every time. I'm working really hard on not taking it personally or internalizing it. Wishing you strength also.... We're in this together, though we may be very far apart...