Kylie, I think you are making more of going to NarAnon than you need to...No one expects anything of you there--no speaking, no returning, nothing. But something quite amazing happens, regardless. You find yourself in a room of caring people who have walked the road you are walking--some right beside you, some ahead, some behind. I was shocked to hear one couple say that they'd been coming for 10 years: 5 while their daughter was still using, and the last 5 while she's been clean & sober. Before I or the other new person could ask why they still came, they said they keep coming to give the rest of us hope for the futures of our loved ones. That's the caliber of people you will find, and there is no judgement. You will hear things that you may judge initially, but that is part of the journey. One mother said she came because she could not stop yelling and screaming at her son when she learned he was addicted to meth. No one judged her screaming. They completely understood and they offered loving advice for her own self-care and emotional well-being.

Here's what I have learned in a few short and awful months: When I most resist going and go anyway, something really powerful is shared that relates perfectly to exactly what I needed to know that very day I was struggling. HP? I think so.

p.s. I have a hunch that the word "program" is getting in your way, too. I tend to over-think things myself, and ask lots of questions in the privacy of my own head, sometimes to a point where it's detrimental to my well-being! Just let go of your worries a bit and treat yourself to a few NarAnon or AlAnon meetings. And once you've gone, we will quit pestering you like a brood of hens. :)

Well, I tend to be shy and I think I have anxiety. I sort of get nervous just walking into a store, so that's one reason I might seem like I'm making a big deal out of it. Just walking into a building scares me half the time, regardless of the reason. So, just walking in the door is an obstacle for me.

It's amazing what happens in these rooms of ours. I've seen the most distraught, panic-ridden, sobbing, anxious, hopeless, regretful, angry, fearful and resentful people become their best, confident and unique selves when they work it. [P.s., I saw me walking in the first time in the so-called mirror on the wall :c021:].

You are getting a glimpse of and feel for what these rooms will be like by chatting here - as you have been doing so well. Working our recovery is way different than merely thinking about it though.

I trust you will walk in the door whenever the time is right and you are ready. :)

Can you imagine how hard walking in the door and staying with a recovery program must be for the A, who is chronically compelled to do just the opposite? Both you and I wish the very best will happen for the A, but we know that won't happen if the A doesn't open the door into rehab, the door into after-care and the door into the rest of their recovery program. Just a few doors, eh?!

No sane one of us will judge you for walking in your door only when you are ready. In the meantime, we keep the doors open and do our best to follow our own sayings. By the grace of all we've been granted, we accept the things we cannot change and change those we can! :)

Yeah, I know it's much harder than what I have to do. It's why I am starting to feel really guilty not doing "my part." I know that's not really what it's about, and I should go for myself regardless of whether he continues with his recovery or not. But I do feel especially guilty that so far he is working his program and putting forth an effort while I can't even go to one little meeting.

He isn't working it perfectly. Neither am I. Neither are you. Doing our best whenever we can is all any human can aspire to here.

And, I'm not so sure about his program being much harder. The A has gotta keep sober. Those around gotta untangle all the crazy criss-crossed wiring and many misconnections in our brain-behaviors resulting from this family disease!

Yes, but I only have a little over 3 months until the baby is here...

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster that anyone would be when someone they care about is an addict. I don't necessarily feel it's because I'm this crazy co-dependent. To be honest, him being an addict doesn't really affect my life that badly. My life doesn't revolve around him. Why is it that anyone in a relationship with an addict is automatically considered a co-dependent. I feel a lot is assumed and read into as far as what is actually said by some of us. What change in my life needs to be made, really? I don't feel I want to stay with him because I'm an "addicted" co-dependent. I want to be with him because I love him and loved him before this addiction came into play. As long as I'm with him, I'll have to deal with his addiction, whatever that might mean. I know I can't control it. I know I'm not enough for him to stop. I know I can't fix it and I'm not trying to. I don't judge my self-worth based on my relationship or by him. I'm sorry, everyone probably just thinks I'm sounding really naive now. I just think a lot of assumptions are made, but everyone's relationship is not the same. I'm not denying that I have some signs of co-dependency, but at the same time, I don't feel my brain has been completed re-wired by it. I honestly don't think I need to recovery from anything at this point. Maybe it's because we still live separate lives. We're close, but at the same time we're so young and it's not like we're married or living together. My life doesn't revolve around him or his addiction. Yet, I do think it's fine for me to worry about his recovery, wonder about his program, etc. I don't think it's unhealthy for me to think about it. I get the impression from so many people that it is. Someone told me to not project when I said, "I hope he continues to go to his out-patient program regularly." What's so bad about saying or hoping such a thing? Yes, we can all live for today, but I have a baby coming and I think it does concern me whether or not he continues with this program and stays clean. It doesn't mean I'm basing my whole life around it. I'm sorry for the rant, but this has really been bothering me.

Also, the previous comments about whether or not I am keeping my baby for healthy reasons have stayed with me and really bothered me. I realize people are trying to help and offer support/advice, but that is a HUGE assumption to make. I don't know how saying that I want him to be involved with his child can lead someone to question if I'm keeping the baby simply as a wedge to keep my bf in my life. I love him very much, but I'm not that "addicted" that I would keep a baby at 17 simply to keep my bf in my life. I may be young, but I realize that in the majority of cases, a kid is never enough to make that happen, especially when you're dealing with someone with an addiction. I'm keeping it because it's my baby and I feel that even if my bf can't be involved, the baby will be loved and well provided and cared for by me, my family and my bf's family. It may be selfish, but I'm just not strong enough or selfless enough to give my baby up for adoption. I couldn't emotionally deal with that.I want my bf involved not so that he's in my life, but because it's his child. Even if we weren't together anymore, I'd hope he was healthy and could be involved in his child's life because every kid deserves that.

Again, I'm sorry, but I had to let all of this out before it made me explode!

You are on course in two ways.

First: You are thinking this through much better than 90% of adults faced with similar or less problematic situations. :) Even many of your rebuttals to "criticism" I understand!

Second: You are connected to an addict by not merely some type of relationship but also by a child. Families of all kinds ARE affected/infected by this progressive disease. You also have the beginnings of the slide down into "Anonic" or "codie" thinking (as you wisely have spotted here & there). That slide continues to progress down a slippery slope. It's happened to all of the "normies" here! An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure! Like i I say in my avatar, "Iceberg Ahead!" Because you're very smart, you will figure out THAT is why you need Nar-Anon and Al-Anon or at least one. A lot of value in prevention, plus a little bit of correction from the beginning slide off-course (towards the iceberg & iceberg-affected family's thinking)! Think of it as an Advanced Placement course.

You can do it! :)

One Day at a Time.

Your a smart girl. I'll sure you'll figure out what you need to do. For now, just focus on having a healthy baby by eating right, going for walks and reading all you can about taking care of an infant. First things first.

I am in the same situation. My fiancee to whom I have a 7 month child with is also a herion addict. Its hard. Its scarey. I am new to this forum, but everyone seems helpful.

I'm coming at this from a slightly different perspective, but I hope I can help.

My bf is a recovering drug addict of 4 years, and we do not have a child together. But I know the fear and frustration you are facing. It is not easy, and will not be easy once he completes treatment. Recovery will be difficult because he won't have his usual coping mechanism (drugs) and will have new life stresses to deal with (baby), but that does not mean it cannot be done. With regular meetings, a sponsor, and counseling he could lead a very healthy, successful life. If HE chooses to.

But let's not focus on him for a minute. What about you?

You're young (I mean that in a good way :)), seem very smart and sweet, and are going to be a new mama soon. This will change your life forever. Focus on you right now. I know that's easier said than done, but you need to try. Just one day at a time. Keep posting here, work up the courage to go to a meeting (something I'm trying to do as well), stay in school, and stay healthy for you and your baby. Set up strict boundaries with him and stick to them (don't give him money, don't give in to his bad moods, he's only allowed around the baby if he's clean, etc. Whatever you feel necessary). Figure out all the other stuff as it happens. You both seem to have a loving and supportive family. Turn to them and don't lose sight of yourself. Stay strong & positive. You cannot control his life but you can control yours; just because he may be making poor choices does not mean you have to as well (not saying you are by any means, just reminding you to stay healthy for you and the baby, both physically and mentally/emotionally, even if he chooses not to.) Whatever he chooses to do is not your fault.


One thing I am trying to teach myself right now is that I cannot fix someone else. His problems (even though he is clean he is still dealing with regret, anger, inability to communicate feelings, mood swings, etc.) are his own and cannot become mine. I can love him and be supportive and patient, but that's about it. I refuse to let this dictate my life and I cannot lose myself in the process of helping him. I also will not allow myself to determine my self-worth based on his actions ("I must not be good enough because he is not willing to fix XYZ") I read all I can and talk to people here, but I have other things in my life too. We need to remind ourselves that we can walk away if we want. Fear, guilt and regret are powerful emotions. Let's not let them get the best of us. That's why the info on co-dependency is so helpful- it really describes what a lot of us go through, even though it's difficult to admit. Just like the addicts themselves, we need to embrace a new way of thinking and living in order to be happy and healthy. If we are not active in doing so the cycle will continue.

Like someone else said, hope for the best but plan for the worse. That's not trying to be negative, just realistic. If you do end up being a single mom, there are plenty of groups for that as well. You will meet awesome, supportive people that don't judge and know exactly what you're going through.

Best of luck to you and your little one :)

Thanks. You are right. I'm not trying to deny that co-dependency exists or that this disease affects the entire family. I just don't feel I'm really a major co-dependent at this point. I do not think I'm "special" or that it won't happen to me or get worse. Having a child with this person will change our entire relationship anyway, and I know it could possibly increase co-dependent behaviors on my part in ways I can't really know right now. I think prevention is more important in my case than is recovery from all of the supposed weird connections and thought processes in my head. Sure, I have some and can and should work on them. At this point though, I don't think my recovery or co-dependence is anything compared to the effort he has to put in to staying clean. I guess it just bothered me that it's automatically assumed that everyone in a relationship like this feels their loved one is "different," wants to fix them, thinks all these other co-dependent things.


You're right. I don't expect anyone to support me or my child forever. In fact, I'm very ashamed that I'm having a child before I can even support myself. When I was deciding what to do with the baby, my parents agreed to support me and the baby as long as I graduated high school and went to/finished college as was planned before all of this stuff happened. I'm in my last year of high school now and intend to go to college next year. It'll be much harder to do that now. I just need to go to college and get out and get a good job. Everything won't go perfectly, but I will work through it and plan to graduate college in 4 years, possibly earlier if I take classes through the summer. I plan to get my teaching license, but I'm not sure exactly what age I want to teach yet. My parents will in no way be parenting my child though. They'll babysit like any grandparents would do, but I will be providing all the care for the baby. I do hope my bf can care for the baby too. That he can have the baby during the day when he's not working or in class. I hope it can get to that point. I know there is a big chance that won't happen, so I'm no longer planning like it will. I did in the beginning, which probably just set me up for disappointment. I have a car and my parents will pay for it, as well as my insurance, as long as I'm in school full-time. I'm really blessed to have parents who are able and willing to help me out financially, but I don't feel good about myself that they have to do it. Obviously my hopes and dreams are being adjusted a little bit now and I haven't completely figured out what they are now that this has happened. I'm not going to wait around forever on my bf, even if part of me would like to. I won't deny that right now I just wish he'd stay clean forever and we could all be a happy, successful family together.

Hailey13, thanks. You've given me a lot of important things to think about and remember.
While I mostly talk about my bf and his issues here, I promise that it's not the only thing I think or worry about. I don't feel I focus on him more than I focus on myself. Sure, at times I probably do, but overall, no. Luckily, I've never blamed myself for his addiction or been made to feel guilty about it, either by him or myself. I've never felt like I could fix him or felt badly about myself because me or now my baby are not enough to make him stop using. Yes, there are a lot of other negative emotions his addiction causes me to have. I don't deal with it perfectly at all, I know. But, reading your post somehow made me realize that it is important for me to learn more about and stop any co-dependent tendencies I have because my child will pick up on them and I don't want him/her to develop those habits or those feelings. It's also why the boundaries you mentioned are really important. I've always felt I couldn't actually stick to boundaries. I haven't been able to up until this point. I'm weak when it comes to doing that. That is something I really have to work on. I have to stop feeling bad about sticking to boundaries.