Kylie. Seriously. Don't stress over that stuff. I understand why you want your bf to be involved with raising the baby - if he's clean, and why you wouldn't want him to be involved - if he's not. Unfortunately, those two things are out of your control. So base your actions on what he's doing right now - he's using heroin.

I'm going to share with you what someone told me when I was pregnant:

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. So hope that someday he will get clean and be an involved dad, but prepare for that not to happen.

Then, no matter what happens you and the baby are going to be fine.

:) And stop worrying. You are a smart girl. Just do what's best for you and the baby and everything is going to be ok.

I'm really upset right now. I was talking to women on another chat and one started insisting that social services will get involved and take my child. I told her that's not true and there is no reason for them to get involved if my bf's clean. She said they still will b/c he's an addict. I know that isn't true. She kept insisting on it. She also said if he's using and we're in a relationship, they will automatically come in. Even if he NEVER is physically around the baby, they'll get involved. She even said if he lives states away and never sees the baby they'll get involved. I know none of that is true, but it got me so wound up. I'm sure she was doing it on purpose, but why would people do that to someone? Then her and two other women started ganging up on me and said I didn't deserve to have a baby, that I was dumb, that all addicts should be shot, that it's a shame that so many people try for babies while dirty users can just pop them out. They also told me to kill myself. I'm so upset. I don't think I'm going to talk to anyone else about all my issues for a while now.

Actually, he's not using right now. I know it could change very easily though.

It's hard not to worry in my position. I'm always worrying about something or someone.

Kylie, try and make it to the meeting you found hon your pregnant and going through so much and that is not healthy start taking care of you now because taking care of you is also taking care of your unborn child your baby and you deserve that.

Also, he didn't go to the out-patient program today. I guess there's nothing more to say about that....

So, my bf met with the people at the out-patient program today, so hopefully he'll continue going like he's supposed to. He said they seem alright, but I didn't expect anything more since he just met them. It takes a while for him to open up to anyone, especially about his drug use. I'm still worried he's not doing it for all the "right" reasons (like for himself because he actually wants to quit). He said, "I don't want to disappoint you and I don't want to let you down. I'm going to be there for you and the baby." It's great that he's using these as reasons, but will that be enough in the long run when he's really tempted? Anyway, hopefully he'll get back into the mindset he appeared to be in back in rehab once he starts going to this program regularly.

I'm going to spend the day with him and his family tomorrow. We're not going to focus on his issues or recovery or anything. I just hope it can be a nice normal day.

I hate how this is such a rollercoaster ride all the time. One moment I'm upset, crying, thinking I should prepare to give up hope, then the next second he does something good and I'm happy again. I can't really detach and let it not affect me one way or the other, even though I really wish I could sometimes. I really wish what he did didn't affect my emotions so much.

You can learn how to detach if you want to. I suggest attending an al-anon or nar-anon meeting. It will help you get off the roller coaster. And you might learn some healthier ways of coping with problems that you can pass on to your child someday.

The problem is, I don't really want to detach. Yes, I'd love to not feel this way all the time. I can't explain it. I just don't see how I could learn to not care what decisions he makes. I'd have to turn off all my emotions. I'm deeply affected by others, especially those I care about. I cry at the drop of a hat, even when not pregnant. I just don't see how I could ever learn to detach to the point of not being deeply emotionally affected by what he does.

Don't think we don't understand or that you are the only person who has ever felt that way. What you are describing is called co-dependency and it is an addiction, just like heroin is your boyfriend's addiction.

It's a very unhealthy way to live that can make you sick and destroy your life. Of course it's a choice for you though. Just like heroin is a choice for him.

If you don't want to go to a meeting, you might at least want to read a book called "Co-dependent No More". That way you'll be educated about what you are setting yourself up for.

The ONLY things that have really helped, after years of hell on me & young kids:

1. The A detoxing in inpatient rehab, AND (after half-a$?$d-doing of the 90 meetings in 90 days thing post-rehab, part of outpatient after-care, relapsing, crashing & lying to me about what was going on throughout) getting serious about working the program EXACTLY like one is supposed to (instead of in the A's terminally unique, selfish way).

2. ME going to my meetings, several a week (some have babysitting, for future reference) AND working my program. Every concern & experience you've had tells me that the meetings are also YOUR answer. If you can't find a convenient women's only Nar Anon, you will find many just as good Al Anon women's only meetings!

If not, 1) the A's progressive disease will claim the A; and 2) we daily, even hourly become more habituated to and fall further down into the resulting, contagious family disease of Nar or An-"Anonism."

We feel & get you here at SR too!! Keep posting & reading!! ESH :)

I still don't understand how caring about what happens to him, getting sad, happy, upset, etc. will go away even if I stop being a co-dependent. I don't get how caring is an addiction. I know co-dependency is more than that, but just the part about caring, I don't get that. I can't stop caring about him, and as long as I care about him I'll have an emotional reaction to what happens to him.

Detaching doesn't mean not caring. It means not allowing the caring to consume you. It's a process- it doesn't happen over night. I started going to meetings, reading literature, working the steps with a sponsor, and just the way water wears down a rock, I began to change my feelings and attitudes.

You don't need to understand the endpoint to start the process - all it takes is an acknowledgement that you do not want to live the way you've been living.

Detachment is what MANY "Anonics" (or "codies" or "earth people") do for decades while living with an A, whether he or she is using or drinking or not.

Detaching with love IS hard to do but it is one of the many things the program teaches us!

I don't think I'm at that point yet. I'm not trying to be argumentative, just honest. Yes, I wish the whole situation would change overall. I wish he'd get better. I don't want to change the way I react to it though. That probably sounds so stupid. I just feel I'm reacting how anyone would in this situation, and I just have to deal with that unless he stays clean or I just have enough and leave him. Of course, I'm still tied to him forever, so I'll still care. I feel there's no escaping it, I guess.

The more I read about the "program," the more things I found that I don't really agree with. Is that just me being such a codie that I'm resistant? I don't know. I'm bad at following rules like this, especially when my heart tells me to do other things. Although, I just read a brief guide to detaching with love and I'm already doing a lot of those things. I guess I didn't realize those were part of detachment. I just started doing them, only in the few weeks before he left for rehab, because I knew they were the right things to do.

I get why you are a straight-A student. Everything you have written from the beginning is thoughtful even though some of it is only the begininng of the complete thinking-it-through; and that's only because you haven't been immersed in the readings, meetings, sponsorship, meditation, service and all that goes into the program. I can tell you this, that being where you're at in age, stage and situation, you're way ahead of many when they walk through the door into the program. Someday, after working the program (just like he hopefully works his), you'll be a fantastic sponsor because of that and all you've been through. A great teacher, whether in college or graduate school, would LOVE having a person as gifted as you in the classroom.

My experience is that it is essential to go to meetings (at least six times) and attend more than one group, especially in the beginning when one needs them the most.

As the biological father, your ABF will always have rights with respect to his child unless he gives them away or his addiction gives them away. But, at the meetings, one would learn that is a worry for the future that one can set aside living One Day at a Time. That is the only way to make it through this family disease without wasting the precious little time, energy & resources that addiction otherwise leaves us!

I applaud you for having the right instincts to keep him safely involved in the birth & other events of the baby's life yet to keep the baby's and your safety and well-being first and foremost! As they say in the meetings, even if counterintuitive at times, we must put our own oxygen mask on first so we can live and best help (to the extent we are allowed to) anyone else, whether that be the kids or the A.

There are a lot of things that are counterintuitive in the program even to highly educated or experienced adults. Why? Because addiction is a cunning, baffling and highly customizable or chameleon-like disease. Because addicts are chronically compelled, and their will power, morals, judgment, etc go right out the window certainly after they cross the generally invisible line from experimentation/abuse to addiction. Because addicts lie due to the compulsion. Because addiction is fatal if not arrested. They are not like "normies" so normal thinking and problem solving DOES NOT WORK. And when the "normies" around them are affected by the "isms" of the disease, their thinking becomes distorted (ususally by trying things common sense tells them "normally" ought to work). For example, reacting instead of acting, becoming codependent, begging, pleading, expecting (= a planned resentment), etc. So, the A's and the Anonic's solutions, unassisted by the special program tools, DO NOT WORK and, actually, MAKE MATTERS WORSE!

Meetings. That is the first door to open. :)

Yep. You can't change him. You can only change yourself.

9 months is a long time when you are 17. Many things can happen. I hope for your baby's sake, you get that happily ever after that you are looking for. But if you don't, you won't be the first person who's every been burned or hurt by an addict.

If you ever decide you want to make a change in your life, you now know where you can find the resources - al-anon, books about co-dependency, here...

Have fun on that rollercoaster!

Titanic, thank you for such a thoughtful response. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate what you said. It's made me feel a lot better.

I hope nobody is getting annoyed with me for not jumping right into meetings. I'm not trying to argue with anyone about it. I do understand the importance. I guess I'm just resistant. If being a co-dependent is an addiction, I guess it's not wonder why I'm hesitant to get help, even though the rational side of me thinks that's absolutely ridiculous - why wouldn't I want to stop this? I appreciate all advice given. I have located a local nar-anon group that meets close to me. I am scared. I'm worried to have to go along with what the program says because I know it will be really hard for me. And part of me just doesn't feel prepared to take on attending these meetings on top of everything else going on in my life. A huge part of me feels it's really unfair that I have to invest so much time and effort in something that's a result of a problem he created. It was only a few months ago that I was still lying and covering up for him, making excuses for all of his actions, lying to his closest friends and family when they'd ask me if I knew what he was doing and what was going on. I won't lie for him anymore. I won't let my whole world revolve around his use. I know the sooner I start going to meetings the better, but I am working to change and I feel I will go to a meeting, but I am not quite there yet.

No one at the meetings will ask you to commit to anything, or take any actions. The meetings are just a place to learn and meet others in similar circumstances. They are a place of support; no one will pressure you for anything.

I know I won't be pressured, and I don't ever have to go back if I don't want to. Yet, according to most of the people I've talk to, the best way to deal with all of this is to go to meetings regularly and to follow what the program says to do. It will be hard even if nobody is forcing me. People will get fed up of listening to my story if I don't try to follow the program and overcome my co-dependency. At least, that's how I feel.