Lies we tell ourselves
 

Another thread about why an addict lies resulted in a post by Cynical One about the lies we tell ourselves and how very harmful they can be.

I'd like to take the focus off of the addict for this thread and put it back on to ourselves and challenge us to examine the lies we tell ourselves that can be so very harmful.

The very first lie that comes to my mind is:

Everything will be ok if/when he/she stops using.

gentle hugs
ke

I'm not sure it's always a lie, becasue in the beginning I really believed the stuff. Then, after a while I knew it was not as I wanted to believe, and then it was lies ( does that make sense?)

So for me, a biggie was/is: "He's not nearly as bad as he was."

Oh my - been there done that a million times!!! Growing up with my alcoholic dad, our entire childhood was based around 'it will get better when Dad stops drinking' and based around my relationship with H

The clue for me to the lie "everything will be ok if/when he/she stops using" is the word everything. That's the lie I tell myself (even now) that is very harmful. If I took the drugs out of it and the behaviors didn't change.....things still wouldn't be ok for me.

Another lie I told myself while married to AXH and as the mother of an addict:

My love is big enough to fix this.

It wasn't and still isn't. Not because I didnt love them enough......but because love just doesn't fix addiction.

Another lie I told myself while married to my XAH for a very long time.

Marriage is forever. I made my bed and now I have to lay in it.

That one had me stuck for a long time. Now I realize that sometimes I don't have a problem.....I have solutions that I don't like.

gentle hugs
ke

The A's in my life, and especially my sister, went through extremely difficult times, which justifies their drinking as a means to cope. They are not ordinary alcoholics.

My lie is "he must want help cuz he is saying he wants to get clean."
Hook, line and sinker.
Another one is, "If I just help out a little more, he will see the light". Bury head in sand.

Oh yeah, also just remembered this one
"I know I can fix this for him."

If I only knew whether he was telling the truth, it would be okay.

Does a lie include focusing our attention elsewhere--like on the people one's A associates with? I think so. I admit to stalking his FB to see if he admits to being in the area. Bad Mama? Is this enabling my worry-machine? Pretty sure I know the answer...

In that spirit, I'd like to add: If she'd just break up with him, cut off all contact, her life would be so much better. He's the one causing so much trouble in our lives.

"Maybe he's not an addict if he is only smoking MJ now and isn't using heroin anymore"

Or this one:

"Maybe this time if we let him come home things will be different" HA!

I can beat my daughter's addiction.

All it's going to take are the right words from my mouth, my love, my time, my energy, my money and my will power. Yeah...I am going to will addiction be gone cause I did not raise her to be addicted to drugs.

I probably told myself as many lies as my son ever told me.

"If we just love him enough and give him a clean, safe, loving home, he will get/stay clean"

"My son's not like those other people. He would never steal or lie or live a life of crime."

"This time it's different."

And the biggest of all was my response to the first addiction counselor who tried to explain that relapse was possible, even likely, before my son stayed clean..."You don't KNOW my son, he really wants to get clean and once he does, he'll never use drugs again. Just ask him."

Looking at this, and for most of us, it wasn't really a lie because we believed it to be the truth when we said it.

It makes me grateful for how very far I have come. I am wiser yet not cynical, I am more compassionate and less angry, and I am forgiving but not foolish. I'm grateful for the lessons, regardless of how painful the learning was.

Hugs

How about this one, a variation on a couple of earlier posts - "There is a way to fix this and I should be smart enough to figure it out. There is something(s) I can say or do that would "flip the switch" and make him want recovery. I am a COMPLETE LOSER because I can't find that right trigger/formula/whatever."

And then you really beat yourself up because this is IMPORTANT. This is someone's LIFE that turns on you finding the right trigger, someone you love. You try and try to find just the right thing to do, and you fail again and again. So hard to accept that there really isn't anything you can do. No trigger or formula that YOU can hit on. So hard to accept that we really aren't that powerful.

"the drugs make him cheat."
"he is different because he tells me and family that he wants to stop."
"he just has so much shame, embarrassment and feels bad for all the crap he did...that is why he bailed."
"weed/alcohol is okay...but he just needs to get off the coke, and he will be fine."
"the drugs made him hit me."

CO- I am putting this one on the fridge!:rotfxko

Wow. These are all hitting home with me!

I find it interesting that a couple of people have commented that it wasn't really a lie when we were telling ourselves that because we BELIEVED IT at the time we said it. That's exactly what the addict does, folks.....often.....they completely BELIEVE the lies they are telling us. It doesn't make it less of a lie simply because we believe it.

Here's a few more lies I've told myself:

"I must have been a really bad mother if my son turned to drugs."

"If he really loved me, he would stop."

"If he really loved his son, he would stop."

"I can handle this alone."

gentle hugs
ke

My alcoholic needs my support now more than ever. I'm a bad person for giving up on him.

"I'm a bad person if I leave him and he is clean now"

"I'm a bad person if I can't fully forgive him for all of his wrong doings while on drugs"

"If people would stop offering him drugs he would stop using"

This really mad me think! It's scary to write it out . . . I'm so use to just hearing it in my head : /