Hi everyone...with all the support of SR these past three weeks (and the geographicaly separation of me and H) I feel I have come such a long way since that night he screamed at me to 'get the hell out of his life'. He phoned me yesterday evening. H has flown to my country! He spoke as though NOTHING had happened...and said he will call me today to meet up with me for lunch/ dinner?? My nerves are shot. In the past (before SR) I would have immediately jumped to meeting with him - knowing he would say all the right things, and running straight back into his arms....but now, armed with knowledge and a bit more confidence - I feel strangely anxious. I feel I need to see him - to at least discuss the behaviour - but a huge part of me doesn't want to see him at all (and I am talking about the man I love and have loved for what feels like ever)....I don't know what to do? I don't know what to say to him? I feel I need to protect myself and that I am not 'strong enough' yet to just walk away...that if I meet with him I will buckle. I feel if I don't see him - that it will give me more time to develop myself - to handle a meeting in weeks or months to come...but how to I tell H that this is it? I feel I am betraying him???????

When to let go...

"Someone continuously overlooks your worth. – Know your worth! When you give yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you, you surrender pieces of your soul that you’ll never get back. There comes a point when you have to let go and stop chasing some people. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll find a way to put you there. Sometimes you just need to let go and accept the fact that they don’t care for you the way you care for them. Let them leave your life quietly. Letting go is oftentimes easier than holding on. We think it’s too hard to let go, until we actually do. Then we ask ourselves, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”

Lara,
We sometimes fall into black and white thinking when we are under stress.

Three weeks ago this man (who has been your lover for 7 years, who has a history of cocaine addiction and relapse and has--while living in a different country--supposedly been clean for a year) suddenly--out of the blue, you say--did not show for an evening together, did not call to explain, avoided you altogether until you bumped into him, at which time he screamed at you that you are impeding his recovery, and demanded that you get the hell out of his life.

Since that time he has hidden away and has left messages to you via your sister.

He has now, without making any arrangements beforehand with you and with no remarks whatsoever to you about the crisis in your relationship two weeks ago, arrived in your city and wants to see you.

And you are afraid, and you are unsure whether he is really clean--given the sudden disappearance, the angry and abusive outburst, the withdrawal of communication the past two weeks, and the continuing erratic and unpredictable behavior.

You do not know the truth about his state of mind and whether he is using again. And because of his behavior the past three weeks, you no longer trust him.

However, you do know your state of mind. And based on that only--which is the only truth you can work with--you can make your choice whether to meet with him or not at this time.

If you are feeling still very shaken, needy, insecure, gullible, easily manipulated, unable to listen to your gut, desperate for his attention and affection, and terrified you will lose him if you do not play by his rules and do not please him....then it seems you are in poor shape to meet with him and be able to have any clarity.

If you wish to meet with him anyway, because of a desire not to hurt his feelings (please remember the events of the past three weeks) or because you want to get more information, you still do not have to make any decisions at all at that meeting or in the hours or days or weeks following that meeting until you are READY. Seeing him and speaking with him is not a COMMITMENT. It is a CONVERSATION.

Cocaine addicts operate in binges. If he's using again, the disappearance of the last couple weeks has been a run. He's been loaded for several days running, he has probably had sex with other users, and now he's gotten all of that out of his system and he is looking just fine. He will be confident and charming.

But you don't know the truth and it is very unlikely you will learn it at this meeting.

You are right now extremely codependent and you are not healthy enough to make any decisions about this relationship. Regardless of his state of mind, your state of mind is one of confusion and chaos.

I vote for what you write in the last part of your post.....delay, at least, any decision about the relationship for at least another month. You are completely justified in doing so, given that he told you to get the hell out of his life barely two weeks ago. You can meet with him or not, there are pros and cons to either option, but what is clear is that you are too vulnerable and shaken right now to assess him, or your own needs, and to think or make decisions with any clarity.

I don't know if you have a counselor, but you are going to need one, and starting up with someone as soon as possible will be the very best thing you can do for yourself and your little boy.

The middle way is to postpone any decision about a future with him, and get some treatment for yourself. If he does not support your need to get some help for yourself, then that is one more piece of vital information to file away.

Hi Englishgarden.... I keep thanking God or whom ever you believe is the 'Higher Power' every day for the outburst with H those weeks ago - as it was the first time he really reacted in such a painful, hurtful, selfish way - it shook me up and FORCED me to reassess my relationship - my life - as a result a counsellor suggested I join SR.... and through SR I am learning so so much. I honestly believed I understood addiction - and understood H - after reading your comments and advice I realise that I had NO CLUE!!!!!!!! SR forces me to look at the past few months with H- well the past few years since he started his cocaine addiction..... I suddenly realise now what it was all about..... and it fills me with horror that I exposed myself to such a dangerous world....

Whew!!!!!

Amen to you sister!

Yup Lara. You could have picked up HIV, your own addiction and who knows what!!! You may have escaped lightly! Have you had yourself checked out for any STD's? I strongly suggest you do! It may save your life and if there is nothing then you will have piece of mind! If you do then you can get treatment and if you have had other relationships (you said it was an on and off thing with H), and something is picked up then you need to sort that out as well. I know I went through all this with Lesley, but thank God I always used protection and nothing happened besides the one instance I became weak due to my own inner turmoils and tried "the stuff" once only - I thank God for making me and Lesley ill that night (it was poor qaulity with some poison of some sort in it) and we ended up at the hospital - she was worse than me as she had more - that was my lowest point with her and my eyes were opened wider than wide as to the hell I could have become! I will always thank the nurse at the hospital that gave me a lecture from hell as she probably saved my life from a path of destruction, and maybe allowed my daughters to have a father that is alive and well!

Phew. DANGER, DANGER, DANGER... there is a very, very, very, very fine line one walks when an addict emboils you in their lives!