Moving Back in with my Boyfriend
 

Do you guys remember how I was trying to stay away from my boyfriend for a little while so I could think things through. And how my parents were wanting him out of my life , and I moved back in with my mom and dad. I kind of got an attitude about my standing up to my boyfriend and giving him a hard time about everything that he said and did.

On Saturday he came over to my parents house without my asking and he wanted to talk to all of us. He was so sorry about everything he had ever done in his life. He told them most of the version on truth that he had given me after we got home from his being held by the police. He poured out the poor pitiful me and begged them to forgive him because my parents he said were like family to him and it was tearing him apart that they no longer trusted him and that they wanted us apart. He said he would do anything they asked if they would give him a second chance, and give me their approval to be with him again.

My parents bought it, they felt sorry for him because he sounded so sincere. My dad had tried to get information from the police department about my boyfriend and what happened when he got taken in, but our police wouldn’t get involved. He also talked to someone out there never even called him back. So I think he gave up on trying to get information, and he is just accepting what my boyfriend told him. It wasn’t all the truth but most of it was. And later he said that I was

He spent all Saturday with us even though I was now a little angry with him because he knew I wanted some time but I think because I had been playing games with him the past week and trying to show him that he didn’t control me well he jumped in and took over everything.

I mean I did enjoy being with him and having my parents being nice to him again. Later in the day he got hold of my parents again and thanked them for being here for him and how much they meant to him and he was so sorry for everything. I mean he seems so sincere and I don’t know what to think anymore.

He wants me to move home with him, and he has said he will do anything I want. He talks about how perfect everything was for us and how happy we were and we were ! I feel like Im the one who is going psycho now. And he know all the buttons to push and make we weak and want him. Yesterday I tried to talk to my mom about what should I do and she said it was up to me. She said maybe they were wrong about him. He is back at work and they know he has been working for weeks to make things up to me by sending me flowers and gifts, and never once did he lose his cool with my parents.

Last night I spent the night with him and it was so nice to wake up with him this morning, and we ate breakfast together and the off to work he went. And it was so normal. I think Im going to tell him tonight that I will move back in. It feels right.

What I wanted to ask you was that since he said he would do anything, I mean should I really tell him some things I want him to do if I move back in. I cant think of anything except no more lies and he already promised that.

oh and Im going to go to another meeting this week, I have been reading some of the things I got at the meeting. Some of it I dont know if Im crazy about, and it looks like a lot of work to learn all this stuff.

Why rush to move back in? Try taking it slow.

We'll still be here when you need us.

Love and hugs,

I dont know how that got cut off.
Later he said that I was the only one that he could tell all of it to because it was so personal to him.

I can't tell you what to do or what to tell him to do. It's really not anyone's place to tell someone else what they need to do. He is going to do what he wants to do anyway.

All I know is I have learned over the years and through way too many relationships, that once it has gone bad, I NEVER go back. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.

I agree with Learn to Live. They never change. Unless they WANT to and HAVE to. For THEM.

Learn2Live, well said.

I was trying and everything he was doing was ok I think. I mean I liked him buying me lots of stuff. Eve nif some of it was stupid, and I liked messing with him and acting all tough like I didnt care. And I know it was driving him crazy but I mean that is not very adult way to act I dont think.

Ok I dont even know what this means. We arent getting married yet, just going back like we were for the last 6 months. Nothing legal

Thats the thing I mean did it go bad ? His past stuff was awful but he told me abotu all of it now and I guess i accept it as long as he has changed.

Lots of times people lie abotu things in their past because they are ashamed and then the lie goes on and it gets found out or something and it has to be dealt with but usually its ok to fogive the person I think,

Dont you think you cant hold someones past against them when they have tried to change and arent doing bad things now?

I'm confused ..... you wanted time away from him. You were angry at him Saturday for showing up unannounced and talk about how your parents "fell for" what he was saying. The very next evening you're ready to move back in .... I'm not sure that's taking it slow. Is it your parents that fell for it or you?

Just please don't get pregnant and leave again if you feel unsafe.

Pam

Pink,

I understand your point about people changing and agree that that is definately possible. So....what work has your bf done to change. You should make a list so that you can clearly see the efforts he has made over the last three years - then you may have a more complete picture of the situation. Major life change takes work, effort and continued maintenance - particularly with such a short time (which 3 yrs is) he should still be working hard at it and you should be able to see those efforts.

I would think the list would include things like - 12 step meetings, therapy, sober living, change in friends, giving back, volunteering, supporting others in their recovery, making amends, taking 100% responsibility for himself......

Just a few ideas there for you....now go make your list.

In healthy, mature, relationships, the partners are honest and don't use manipulative techniques.

Although it may not seem like it, 26 is very young. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Why not take some time to ensure it's right? There is no harm in waiting, but lots of risk in moving too fast.

It IS a lot of work. It takes time and effort to relearn behaviors and change habits. But it is oh so worth it...

i think we're all talking against Pink here.
She has clearly made up her mind.
let the girl learn on her own. some life lessons cant be taught.


Pink you are 26?

Pink if you are 26, then I am only one year older than you at 27. Your thought process really blows my mind.

You ask for advice and help but then you argue against it.

I say that you have made up your mind and to let you learn your own life lessons because I think it's important to respect YOUR decisions too.

If you decide to be with your boyfriend who has this "PAST" that you're willing to accept, then who are we to say you should do otherwise other than offer and share our own experience... which doesnt seem to help you anyways.

Did he tell your parents that a year ago he fell off the sobriety wagon and persuaded you to use cocaine with him?

Pink...

One of the burdens of adulthood is taking responsibility for our choices, for good and for ill.

It is not my place to tell you what to do. What I will say is I hope that you understand what it is you're dealing with. Please do not live in denial in terms of what you want as opposed to what is best for you. I made that mistake and got my head handed to me after a month. If you haven't already, please re-read "What Addicts Do".

Be Safe.

ZoSo

Best of luck

IME, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Forgive him? Forgive him for what exactly? For some sin he committed against you? What a person does, he does to himSELF. And that is not my business. That is between HIM and his Higher Power. Not between him and me. Because I am not the Center of anyone else's Universe. It is MY job to keep MY side of the street clean and to put in place appropriate and healthy boundaries against hurtful, unhealthy people.

If a man makes an oath under God to marry his wife and be faithful, but then goes and cheats, who has he harmed? The wife. And by virtue of being married under God, he has hurt himSELF and his relationship with God. How can a man UNDO an affair in his wife's heart? HE CAN'T. What forgiveness is there that a human being can give to repair the damage done by the spouse? What forgiveness can you give to repair this BF's way of thinking, behaving, and acting? It accomplishes nothing but continuation and strengthening of his Denial.

Where there is one lie, there is no truth.

That's all I have to say about this.

I was so wrong about you guys.

Indeed. :)

Pink,

Whatever happens, whatever you decide. I wish you the best, and I'm certain everyone here does, even if they are being tough on you.

I just want to point out that the people on here are strangers who have taken time out of their busy lives and possible pain and sadness to offer their support by sharing with you their life experience and knowledge. These people took time out to read everything you've written.

Some people here are parents that have lost their children to drugs, wives that are pregnant by their addict abusive husbands, wives with young kids left by their addict husbands... fathers, siblings, friends suffering from the wrath of this disease called addiction.... nobody here wants you to experience the same type of trauma. Take all the advice here with a grain of salt.

And before you make any such comments have some compassion for the strangers who are only trying to support you.

The truth is not always pleasant to the ears but sometimes they are the most valuable advice.

Back when my father warned me to stay away from my addict exbf (who was very newly clean then), I did not take his advice. Flash forward several years I wish I had listened to him then. I would have been spared from shedding so much tears and living in fear and anxiety for so long.

but then again, like i've said earlier... some life lessons cant be taught. You might just need to fall a few more times to learn, on your own... and that is ok.

Wrong how, Pink?

Look, I don't know you. But, believe it or not, I care about what happens to you, and it's a fair bet that those of us on here who have been impacted by someone else's addiction cares about what happens to you, too.

Addiction is a dreadful, dreadful illness. And codependence isn't too far behind. Part of codependence is denial. We really, really want to believe what our addicts tell us. We really, really hope that somehow, someway, they see the light and start living a better sort of life. Unfortunately, a lot of times that simply doesn't happen. My AXGF was sooooo good at the talk, but when it came to the walk, she failed every single time. I bought into once too many times, and then she stuck it to me. I don't want to see that happen to you because it hurts like hell when it does happen.

But at the same time, you have to live your life. And if that means making mistakes, you make them. As I wrote before, please be aware of what it is you're dealing with.

All the Best...
ZoSo

If it were me, I would get independent: get a good job, get my own apartment, and let the BF get his recovery on track. You could still see him now and then and give him a year to get clean and go to therapy and AA. But I would still date other guys, guys who have to addiction/legal issues. See if you like any of them, see how things work out.

At the very least, don't move back in with him for at least six months. See how he acts over the next six months. He'll either act fine, or he will get angry at you for not moving in, which is a red flag.

You might consider hiring a private investigator to get to the truth on your BF's past. Maybe your parents will help pay for it.

I have daughters and if one of them was dating a man who had any sort of sinister criminal kind of stuff he was being questioned for, I would never let that man in my house, I would be hiring a PI, and I would question the sanity of my child. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but I am a mama bear when it comes to my girls.