Red Flags all over the place for me.

Absolutes and unrealistic promises are the empty expectations of the desperate. This is where my AH is right now. Everything will be PERFECT, ALL his anger is gone, he will NEVER do drugs again. When my AH talks like this while playing the nice guy but is violating my boundaries, it scares me more than when he is angry. Because I KNOW that once he gets what he wants, he will let his guard down and go back to his former nonsense. Because no matter how sincere he sounds, change takes time and nobody is perfect. also the self pity tactic, i have found that when my AH starts using pity to reel me in, it is an eventual gateway for bitterness and anger. That is why I will not go back to AH at this time, maybe ever, because he wants a quick fix by saying a lot of right sounding stuff but I know deep in my heart things arent right and eventually he will let out his anger at me for making him humble himself.

What I heard you saying in your post is that he came over even though he knew you didn't want him too, violating your boundaries. He used pity, unrealistic promises and gifts to make you feel conflicted.

As an aside, take it any way you want, I wish I was in a position to get out without the ties of children, marriage and joint financial obligations. There are too many people in the world to tie yourself to a person who puts a huge question mark in your heart.

My SR friends,
Attrition is a reality.Like the freshly hatched little turtles hauling ass to the
waters edge-----while seagulls gulp them down right and left. SR is not about
control or being angry when heartfelt advice is not acted upon.It is (and can only be) a
navigational advisory service. How to jink instead of making a beeline to the
shore (so you are harder to track),how to camouflage yourself with a little seaweed (and hope you are lucky enough not to be born in daylight or under a full moon)
In the end,you can take all the good advice,employ it,and STILL end up as a
seagull snack.
All SR can do is up the odds,and maybe get 12% of the little turtles to the waters edge
instead of 9%. And it is only natural for old sea turtles like us to wince when we see hatchlings making a beeline toward the waters edge, at noon,uncamoflaged.
We know this is a varsity game,and those seagulls are playing for keeps.
It is the farthest thing from disrespect imaginable,because old turtles got
that way being wily and clever and lucky---and knowing every step of the way
just how much is on the line.It's not a video game.......no reset!

He put on his best poor poor pitiful me act and came by and lied to your parents. He tells them that it is tearing him apart that they don't trust him. Sounds like they have good reason not to.

He tells them he will do anything they asked if they would just approve of the two of you being together. AND They Bought It!

Then he tells you that he will do anything you want if you would move back in with him and apparently YOU BOUGHT IT TOO!

He knows all the right things to say to your parents to get them to let their guard down with him and all the right buttons to push to make you weak and give in.

He has promised no more lies, but he lied to your parents. A lie by omition is still a lie. If he didn't tell the whole truth he lied. So if he would lie to them to get what he wants what makes you think he won't lie to you to get what he wants? You know he lied to your parents, yet you think he seems so sincere. I think he is sincere to the degree that he sincerely will say whatever he thinks you and your parents want to hear in order to get his way. I call BS.

As for not being so crazy about the things you read from the meeting. It is easier to reject the hard work and take the easy way out and return with your bf then it is to face the truth and see things for what they are. It is a lot of work to learn all this stuff, but you are young and he has already made up your mind for you. Don't let go of the literature from the meeting and be sure to bookmark SR cause one day your going to need the information.

For now he has you right where he wants you and you are delaying the inevitable.

I noticed in another post you said, "I was wrong about you guys", It is not 'us guys' that you are wrong about and in time I have a feeling you will learn that lesson the hard way.

For now I wish you all the best and know that there are people here that care enough not to lie to you or BS you. All we want is the best for you. Hopefully one day you will want that for yourself too.

Passion

Very well said, Vale. And no matter what we say to the hatchlings, we can't control the outcome. They will chart their own course. Participating in this thread is triggering my codie tendencies. I'd like to pick her up and carry her to the shore.

i think we would all want to do that for her SC, but my guess she would just crawl back out again anyway. she might need this to maybe grow up a bit. we all need to hit our own rock bottom sometimes to force us to grow. just sucks to be in the bleaches watching it unfold when you already can pick what the ending will probably be. just like one of those horror movies that we all scream at the girl to not go out there. she still does and we all know what happens next. hopefully in this movie the villain will bring her flowers and gifts and they live happily ever after.

be sure to come back and read this in a few months, and then ask yourself if everyone here is wrong.

beware if he starts wanting a child-which would tie you to him, and whatever he is, forever. putting yourself in a situation that you are not sure of is one thing, but putting a child, who has no say , in the mix , would be very frightening, imho.

if you are so sure of him, why do you ask about it at all?

Pink, I am so frightened for you. This man has not been cleared yet, totally.

I just see Manipulation, on his part, and to me that says he feels that he cannot trust in who he really is to draw you to him. He is not giving you time to think about it, for some reason.

I anticipate he will try to get you pregnant , to keep you with him. That will forever tie you to someone that you may sooner or later want to be far , far away from.

He has seen what addiction does to someone. The horrors of it, and the dangers. Yet he gave a dangerous and addictive drug to you, just to better the sex. There is a girl who died during drugged sex, and I would not ignore that fact. If you love someone, do you give them a drug that you know is dangerous? He cares more about the good sex than he cares about your safety.

Could that be what happened to the other girl? She did drugged sex, and ended up dead. It isn't like she overdosed on her own. she was abused, and maybe accidentally murdered, and maybe your guy was with her. Do you know 100% that he wasn't?
We care. I have daughters. If you were my daughter, I would be up in this, big time. I think I would lose my mind . I would not stop till i spoke with everyone involved in this. and then he would answer to me, about why he isnt in a recovery program. I mean, he did not respect anyone at your home enough to ask permission to come there. Why is he so frantic? Guess he is missing some bedroom time. and dont feel flattered sweetheart, about that, because it is easy to find a man who wants your body. not so easy to find real , honest love.

we're afraid for you. are your parents afraid?
hugs
chicory

And all of our lights are still shining for you Pink, and none of them are dimmed. If you read these posts with different eyes, you will surely see that it is all of us, who care for your happiness. And you are allowed to go back, or allowed to not go back, sometimes we just are not ready to give up. But if you need us, know that we are here.

love to you Katie

He said he will do ANYTHING to get you back. Ask him to take a lie detector test.

[QUOTE] Wait, I missed this.....he's still under suspicion for a death of a prior girlfriend? OMFG!
This sounds like a manipulator/control freak psycho movie.

Maybe I watch too much tv, but when you see it happen over and over again, it can't be made up.

Men (or women) who want to control every move and feeling of their partner, are disaster waiting to happen.

Please consider your choices.

um......I see a satisfied seagull and no more little hatchling.

I loved that analogy Vale. How very true.

I was in Mexico a few years ago walking the resort around midnight and talking with my daughter. We took her on that trip for her graduation from UW. A man walked up to us and said "Tortuga! Tortuga!" pointing toward the beach. Sure enough there were HUNDREDS of tiny hatchlings heading AWAY from the water toward the lights of the resort. We spent the next hour or so scouring the beach for hatchlings WITH FLASHLIGHTS (duh), picking them up and returning them to the sea.

Little did we know that the flashlights were simply adding to the problem.

Made me think that sometimes.....when we help.....we aren't really helping at all.

gentle hugs
ke

The caring voices of SR did not stand a chance against the sweet sound of lies being gently whispered..... very immature and very sad.

Pam

its a seductive velvet noose

You know its taken me this many days to not yell at all of you. You have all been very insulting in this post and not in regards to my boyfriend Im talking about me. First of all Im not an idiot as I have had to tell you all before. Im not sure what kind of perception you all have of me but I think most of you have made me into something I am not. Yes Im 26. Im very competent in a lot of areas and I graduated college with a degree not in basket weaving. I lived away from home and shared an apartment while I was in school. And yes my parents paid all my tuition, and my rent, and I worked part time to have extra money to spend as I chose. I moved home after I graduated and shared an apartment with one of my girlfriends. She got married, and when my lease was up I decided to move back home to my parents. They unlike most of you were glad to have me come home and my sisters also wanted me around.

I met my boyfriend over a year ago now. I met him through a mutual friend. A friend who is a good person, doesn’t do drugs, or have a problem drinking. My boyfriend works for the same company her boyfriend does. I said before I felt he had been vouched for. We dated for almost 2 months before we slept together and he made it really romantic. So no our love and relationship isn’t about sex like some of you have so crudely said. We moved in together after 6 months and I lived with him for 6 months. We were happy and had no problems.

Not until we planned a trip to visit his parents and found out he had to face his past and be questioned by the police. I was scared and I over reacted. But I am naïve to drugs and the police and all of that and Im not ashamed of that. You may all know all about those things but its not to your benefit. Id rather be naive.

From my first post I told you guys he had nothing to do with that what happened to that girl. Ill call her that to make you all happy. She lived a filthy life and who knows what happened to her, but my boyfriend had proof that he was not even in town or close by. And glad someone mentioned it, but yes his attorney had him take a lie detector test and they gave the results to the police. So let it go and stop coming up with all this crazy stuff about how he pretending to not be in town, and snuck back and killed her. And the reason I didn’t mention the test was because I know one of you will now say sociopaths can lie and it cant be detected. You guys always have a negative spin on whatever .

I knew exactly what was meant by the medical directive but I wasn’t going to justify that comment because it was again an insult saying we don’t believe you, and the proof he had, and the fact the police didn’t charge him with anything, he is still a psycho. You guys are all making that stuff up and running with this theory based on your sick addicts. My boyfriend had a bad past, but he has worked hard to overcome it. I have always said he treated me with respect and was sweet and kind.

And omg Im not some girl from the docks or the projects. My family is not poor and his family is not rich. I never said they were rich. All I said was they helped him with money, and paid for all the attorney stuff. Don’t have to be rich to do that, only have to be kind and loving parents who want to help their kid. So whoever you were that posted all that crap about has he ever dated anyone from his social class. Where the heck did you get that from ? And yes men do buy gifts and send flowers to women out of love and to make them smile. Whoever you are, if you’re a man you are not a romantic, and if you’re a woman Im sorry you have never experienced that kind of romantic love.

Also I do have a job but I don’t care about being 100% independent. Im only 26 and so what if my parents help me. All parents don’t follow your rules and they don’t mind helping their kids reach a better life. I mean yay for those of you that have taken care of yourselves since you were 18 or whatever but it doesn’t make a difference in the big picture. Happiness does.

That’s all Ive got to say. Yep I was wrong about a lot of you because you really have shown me no respect when I read your comments over . Its like we are telling you what to do, and you are not listening. We took time to tell you what to do, you are not listening. You are naïve, and immature or you would listen to us because we are wise and smart.

There was one more thing I forgot, my boyfriend and I are going to watch the fireworks over the lake tonight and he said romantically that it will be a celebration of our getting back together. See he is sweet.

I did not read all the replies, but would like to say, Nothing anyone is saying here is going to sink in. The only way to learn is not from opinions of others (though I agree with them all), but for her to fall down once again.
This is her journey, she obviously needs to learn the hard way.

This man is manipulating her, but she cannot see it. We've all been there, but see it clear as day because unlike her, we have fallen many times before we saw the light.

Go for it, move in with him. The school of hard knocks is the best education you will ever have.

You have a long road ahead of you......wishing you love along your journey. You're going to have some hard hits

Normally I would feel the need to rescue, but in this case, letting her fall is caring. The best way to hit rock bottom is to not have stops along the way.

My friend is like this, but she's 43 and has been doing what this young lady has since she was in her early 20;s

you can't save them all