Annoyed with "adult" child
 

Good morning all.

I hope everyone is well.

I need to vent so I am posting.

My daughter came home from school last night to pick up some business casual clothes for a function today at college. We had a nice family dinner at my parents house where we are living now and she left to go back to school. I received a text from her later asking if we will be moving back home before the summer because she would like to have her friends come over, be able to get ready when they go out at night with her and swim in our pool. Now, mind you when we lived at home she would always have girls sleeping over (annoyed me) and never would swim in our pool. As a matter of fact I was the only one who took care of the pool and I don't even swim!

I said to her if I had to answer this question today probably not. She went on a little selfish tyrant about how her life is just crappy now and it sucks and blah blah blah. I said to her the following:

No, your life is just beginning and you need to focus on school and getting a summer job. You are going to be 19 which means no hanging out with friends all night and sleeping all day this summer. What I don't understand is how noone addresses anything with your father (the addict). He is the one who chose to use again after the gift of rehab and sobriety. He is the one sick. Yet I hear all the grief and complaining. It is time to grow up. I live with his addiction everyday. Your brother lives with his addiction everyday. You however are at school living your life. It is your father who chose drugs over his family. But noone addresses it with him. We should be grateful we have my parents who live in the same town, same development, same school district. We should be grateful we all have our own bedrooms and space even at my parents house. Your father knew the consequences if he used and chose the drugs anyway. Sorry I didn't cause this and I cant control it. I can only provide a safe consistent home for my children.

I have to say I am a little annoyed with my daughter. She is going to be 19 this summer. Time to get a summer job, take summer courses, no hanging out all night long and sleeping all day. Sorry she can't have ten plus girls coming into my parents home slopping up her room. This was such a source of discontention for us last summer. No respect for my home. I saw last night how extremely selfish she really is. We had countless fights how she treated my home like a sorority last year. I feel time to grow up here. Enough!

Again, sorry but I had to vent. If anyone has any experience with selfish 18-19year olds (I hate to use the term adult because most can't take care of themselves) please share with me.

Hugs,
Marlene

:gaah

They do know how to punch our buttons. It sounds like you are establishing boundaries with her and that's good.

One day at a time......one problem at a time.

Gentle hugs
Ke

I agree with KE ~ sounds like you established some healthy boundaries with your daughter and are allowing her the dignity and self-respect to be an adult! That's a great gift!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Oh Marlene, you have every right to be angry and to vent! When my stepdaughter was 19 and went off to college her first year, oh boy. She felt like she didn't have to work, or do anything but party with her friends, and expected us to pay for her car, her insurance, plus pay for everything else. She went through a couple of years there where it was all about "me me me me me". Her dad had bought her a nice, safe, good on gas car. It was perfect for college, perfect for a first car. Oh and it was paid for, no car payments. Long story short, she found fault with all sorts of things about it. Main fault? Didn't have automatic windows!!! By then her sister was getting close to 16 and would be wanting a car, and no way could we (nor would we) buy her another car just for automatic windows. So she pitched a crying fit, wanting to trade it, and we told her that if you trade it, you'd better be prepared to make the payments. So she found a car dealership, traded it, and guess what? She thought daddy really would make the payments. When daddy didn't, she called her grandma who was living on a very measley social security pension, and told her grandma to get on the phone and just say "ok". She had given the bank her grandma's checking acct number to make her car payments from!!! (And this is the SHORT version). We found that out when grandma had a check bounce after never having one bounce for 40 years. 19 year old still wouldn't get a job, and this was back in early 2000's, when jobs were plentiful. So bottom line, we allowed her car to be repossessed, and she had to learn to live without a car. She hated us for a while, probably hated me more, the evil step mother as I'm sure she needed someone other than herself to blame, but that was ok.

I said all that to say this: Sounds like it's time for boundaries with your 19 year old adult child. Wake up call, reality check, 'Dorthy this isn't Kansas anymore'. You don't have to baby her or give into her emotional whims. It's time for her to be a big girl now. She won't like it one little bit, but she'll get over it.

Hugs and prayers for you!

Well, my daughter is 22, but when she was 18-19, she was very selfish and nothing has changed except that she no longer lives with me. When she and her fiance got their own apartment, they had one set of sheets. I was looking at the JC Penney site one day and they had some sheets on sale, so, I ordered a set for them. This is a portion of an email I got from her a few days later.

You didn't even ask me about the sheets before you went and bought them and that ticked me off, you buying a sheet set for us without even asking or asking about what color we'd like at the least. i can appreciate the gesture but i would have appreciated it more if you'd ASKED us since we're going to have to be the ones to sleep on them. IMO if you'd really cared you would have asked because you got a color without talking to us about it that now we have to decorate around and MAYBE we didn't want to use the color blue for our room. how would you like it if i got you sheets without asking you in some random color. i mean, it would have been nice if you'd talked to US about it, the ones who will be USING the sheets. yes i said thank you because it's expected, i wouldn't have picked that color but i didn't say anything negative i didn't want to be mean i just wanted to say thank you and have the issue over with.

I was GOBSMACKED!!! I've always know that she could be selfish, but this really shocked me. I walked around the house with my mouth hanging open for a good 30 minutes after reading what she wrote. I did not raise her to be so scornful about a GIFT, so I've decided there will be no more gifts.

I really think most kids today have it way too easy. They don't appreciate anything because they don't have to work hard and save up to get something they want. They expect to have things just as nice at their new place as what they had at home, without stopping to realize that it took years to accumulate those nice things. Well, my daughter doesn't have to worry about me buying the wrong color sheets again. They can sleep on a bare mattress as far as I'm concerned.

Thank you all for posting a reply.
I do blame myself because I did spoil my children which was not a good thing at all!!! I am a work in progress though. I am stronger now then I was before naranon and I will not be manipulated even by my children. What they can do for themselves they will do. If they are old enough to get a part-time job and work for spending money, they will. I will not live in active addiction period. I am rediscovering myself and who I am. I lost myself living with an active addict. I am peaceful and serene. My focus is my happiness and that of my children. My responsibility is to provide for them a safe, consistent, happy home. That is where we are and if it doesn't meet my daughter's let me have all my friends over to get ready to go out mentality then too bad. What is up with that anyway? I don't remember being a teenager and having everyone of my girlfriends over to get dressed and makeup on before we went out. I mean you should see her room afterwards like a war zone. I went to her dorm on Sunday when I dropped her off from being home for a week for spring break...OMG! it looked like a bomb went off. Literally food left on the dorm room floor for a WEEK!!! When she has the lacoocarachas crawling on her she won't appreciate that much now will she. Maybe then her and her sorority girlfriends will learn mommy isn't there to clean up after your messes!

suki44883,
I am GOBSMACKED! I would love for someone to buy me sheets. They are so freaking expensive. I don't care what color! LOL! You are so right...our youth is spoiled and selfish. They feel entitled. I fear for the future.

Sorry but what you said to her is extremely unhelpful in regards to her dad, IMO. She doesn't take up her grief with her dad because he's unavailable and has always been and it seems that you are available and there for her to talk to. That's a parent's job. I can understand about the complaining about not being able to sleep all day and party all night, I can see how that is selfish and would make anyone very annoyed because in that regard she does need to take responsibility. But please have a little compassion in regards to her dad for a child/adult who just had her life turned upside down and has never really had a consistent household till now. It's not just an adjustment for you, it is an adjustment for her too. Her life probably does suck right now--nothing is worse than family problems. Doesn't matter if you're away at school and not in the midst of it or not, you still think about it and grieve over it everyday. Lots of parents are really oblivious to how this affects their children...Does she know you're a safe person to talk to about the family issues? If you keep throwing "grow up" in her face she won't believe you are for very long. She can grow up but that doesn't take away the pain of losing a childhood and never having a real father.

Sorry if you disagree with me and find this offensive, but from my own experience that kind of reaction is less than helpful though I do agree with your stand on getting a job and being responsible and all that.

Thanks Jason.
I do value and respect your opinion.
I do understand and agree this is an adjustment for both of my children. I am fully aware how this affects my children as she is in Naranon with me and my son who is 13 is seeing a therapist since July. Grow up in regards to doing your own wash, cleaning up after yourself, getting a part-time job, etc.

Some of you might not like this or may have seen it-- but I thought it was funny and fitting. I am sure we have all felt like shooting the kids computer.
there is bad language in it- so if that bugs you don't watch.

Father Teaches Daughter Lesson About Facebook

Father Teaches Daughter Lesson About Facebook - YouTube

Whoops, here is the link

Father Teaches Daughter Lesson About Facebook - YouTube

Suki.

Ooopppsss....Miss Manners would agree if you don't know someones decorating colors, go neutral. However she would not approve of the outburst; just take them and say thanks mom.

Some are indeed spoiled, selfish and have a huge sense of entitlement.
They were not born this way. So what happened?

Well, Kelley, when Miss Manners buys a set of sheets for my daughter and her fiance, she can buy a neutral color. As far as I'm concerned, when someone gives you a gift, you accept it graciously, even if it doesn't meeting your exacting standards. Who sees the sheets on their bed other than the two of them and their cat? Do they not use the comforter to cover the sheets when they make the bed? How is having a blue set of sheets causing them a major decorating problem when this is their first apartment and they don't have a decorating style or specific colors since most of what they have is mix and match?

Sorry, but Miss Manner can just deal with it. :whoop

Suki


If my mom had given me bright yellow neon sheets I would have thanked her, and given her a huge hug. Because that is what you are supposed to do when given a sincere gift out of love.

My commentary by Miss Manners was just meant to be a joke to lighten the subject. Me bad.

I personally don't know why blue would matter, or why she felt the need to send you that note. It's really weird I think. I don't think I have one friend that would do anything like that; most are happy with hand-me-downs. I have one GF who I think told the whole world her parents gave her their used tempurpedic mattress. That seemed a bit of an overkill to me; had lots of guys wanting to see it after that story. Haha

Wow, I am with you! Its a gift for goodness sakes, say thank you! That email would have had me in shock for days. Again, wow!

I havta say yes kids are spoiled these days. However, I have four spoiled kids and only one of them is a spoiled brat. The one who insists on drinking.

Suki: If I'd have rec'd an email like that from any of my offspring in response to something I bought for them, I'd have no sooner read that email than I'd have been in my car, on my way over to their apartment, snatched those sheets right off the bed, and taken them out the door without saying one darned word to the ungrateful little brats. Of course I have been through the wringer, a bit on edge, hormones bothering me lately.....

Awesome!!! Way to go, dad! He should get the Father of the Year Award! (This reminds me of a time, years back, when I considered shooting my ex-AH's big screen TV! but that's a story for another time.) :a213:

Kuan,

How would this guy get father of the year? What exactly did he teach his daughter? She apparently had a rant on her Facebook which she didn't expect to share with anyone but her friends; so then he has a rant and tries to embarass her while attempting to stifle his obvious anger. He then takes out a gun and shoots her computer to prove what point? That he is like King Kong?
Maybe this is why his daughter goes to Facebook to vent. She's a teenager; get over it. Let's hope she doesn't try to stifle her feelings with drugs.
And Miss Manners would also not approve.