Thank you all for posting your insight. I really do appreciate your wisdom and support.

Outtolunch,
You are right. The youth of today were not born spoiled, selfish and entitled. I blame myself.

Cynical,
Thank you for your wise words. I did give it a great deal of thought. You are right one does not have to do with the other. My children don't have any reason to trust me based not only on the decisions from the past year but for their entire life. I should have left my husband a long time ago. I am really living with that guilt on a daily basis. I feel like I cheated my children of a normal childhood.

My daughter was absolutely right the other day when she said I have no idea how she is feeling because my father was not an addict. My father is an amazing man. Although my dad has picked up the father role all this years as an involved and always present Poppy, it still isn't her father. :cries3: I do need to be more compassionate and understanding.

Suki,
I took notice to my bed sheets this morning. They don't even match in color but they are clean. LOL!

Thank you all so much for sharing, offerring guidance and support.

Hugs to you all!

Point well taken. In retrospect I see that I was only relating to the frustrated parent perspective part of it. On the flip side, I totally encouraged and allowed both my sons to vent to me, to express themselves freely, to disagree with me on issues, and they were especially encouraged to verbally express things they were angry about because I know that's sometimes difficult for teens (and sometimes males) to do. And yet with all this open, positive communication, this 'ok to vent', ok to speak freely about feelings, ok to listen to music that I didn't necessarily like but I told myself I was being "open minded", the one son who so freely expressed himself, who openly discussed with me whatever was on him mind, who loved to debate issues with me just for fun; and in good spirit; this son started using drugs at around 11 years old and progressed on to becoming an injection drug addict, and has been shooting up for the past 6 years or so. My other son, who communicated less, but was encouraged anyway, did not choose drugs.

So I don't know the answer. Saying he should get father of the year was probably a bit much. However I don't think him shooting that laptop is going to cause her to use drugs anymore than me encouraging my sons to express themselves and communicate caused one of mine to use drugs. It's an individual choice. :grouphug:

Blame and guilt always keep me stuck.

When it comes to forgiving myself, "Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed." Once I do that, I'm able to make amends with myself and anyone I have affected by my actions. The present and the future changes dramatically, in healthy ways I never could have imagined.

I hope and pray you'll forgive yourself very soon :grouphug: