When does supporting become enabling
 

This is only my second day on the site but I am so relieved to have joined because the jumble of questions and thoughts in my head are becoming clearer already.

I have been questioning how much of my behaviour had been 'enabling' my boyfriends crack addiction and if what I saw as help was in fact the opposite - thanks cynical one for helping find the conclusion – but what is helping?

I found out about 3 months ago about his habit and it's taken that long to come clean about the effects on me. I had walked around with a do's and don’ts list of 'when a loved one has a drug problem' in my bag and it was my mantra for a while. I learnt that heated responses, pleading, threats and bribe were not going to work.

For the first time he described his use as a problem and discussed some of the contributing factors but also accepting they are not excuses for his behaviour. I know that any action has to be his choice and he has decided he can quit cold turkey – I have to respect his choice and part of me hopes he isn’t just telling me what I want to hear On previously occasions he has been protective of his habit this time it feels different – how many times have you heard that??? He has asked to give him 3 months to prove himself and to get clean but without help from doctor/rehab/group I accept there will possibly be a lapse and I won’t show him that negative impression but I want to ensure I am strong and well informed if there is.

So on his choice he has given up his ATM card with me giving a small allowance each day, only renewing if there is evidence that he has spent the money – I don’t quiz him just I’m aware if there is fresh bread, newspaper etc and he works from home so his outgoings are small. I am therefore responsible for ensuring the basics like food and toiletries are in the house and ensuring his personal bills are paid but with his money. Clearly he doesn’t want the temptation of having access to money but if he asks for the card back do I have the right to refuse?

We make sure we talk everyday in a willing and non-threatening. I ensure that I am positive and supportive without letting go of the fact that the choices of how he lives are his responsibility and when he apologises for how things have been I ask him to accept that we can move forward not to forget what has led us to this point but also not to get bogged down with guilt.

Am I helping or enabling?

:c024:

IMHO.

He's putting the burden of responsibility on you. You didn't smoke crack so why are you shouldering the accounting burdens of his recovery, allowing out his money like hes a child. If you gave him too much money, or gave him his card back, he can then say "YOU gave me the money, i asked you not to!" and then its YOUR fault he relapsed (not really, but he'll say it). If he can say "well you didnt _____ so how can I _____", its not going to go well, and yes; its unhealthy.

Its his recovery. His responsibility. His decision.


Again, just my humble opinion.

Sounds to me like you ( instead of he) has taken on the full time responsibility for his sobriety and are playing warden. That's not recovery.

Thank you for your responses that's really helpful - I think I've just had a major realisation that I'm a co dependent.

On one hand I'm saying that I realise recovery has to be his choice but by becoming his keeper I am effectively removing all choice!

Do I just think the relationship is worth it because I'm a codie - I've got a lot more learning and alot more reading to do!:c029:

Thanks cynical one, I think I've just realised I've been an enabler in one way or another all my life - still life is not over yet I'm only middle aged I may be able to change - whichever way though it's refreshing to see things in black and white.

"Money handling" is a pretty common relapse prevention aspect. I have known a couple of people who are successful in their recovery. They asked someone to handle their money for them to prevent easy access to a major trigger for many crack addicts. For my ex, who is bi polar, the cash has always been a problem. Crack and bi polar issues exacerbate each other, cash is a trigger for each issue and an intensified problem when the two are combined. Someone in early recovery from such an intense addiction as crack can use every relapse prevention tool they can get...

NOW, having said that...

My ex had a therapist who recommended that I handle the cash of my ex. They had come up with this plan with the input of other people in recovery who had "cash handlers" (cash is a major trigger)...so I agreed. It was supposed to double as a transparency tool too...

It did NOT work. My therapist was appalled that his therapist had recommended ME to do it. While it may be a very good and useful idea to have someone in that role...it is usually NOT a good idea for the romantic partner who has any codependency tendencies. Handling the cash was a major trigger for me! ;) go figure....

It causes imbalance in the relationship and resentments. While it may be true that in many healthy and functioning relationships one person handles the banking and bills...in a relationship with addiction the cash handling has it's own specific character and identity!

The idea of a relapse prevention tool doesn't have to get tossed out...
but who does it is of extreme importance. It seems logical and convenient to do it as a partner...but woe... whoa betty!

stop policing! it's not your job and you are not responsible FOR him.....you may be responsible TO him as his girlfriend.....but being responsible TO someone is a choice. Being responsible FOR someone is better defined as ex.) being a parent to a small child Make sense?

Thanks for all your comments they make perfect sense and help to sort the jumble of thoughts.

The rights and wrongs yo-yo in my mind and I know that if you search hard enough you can always find a justification for an action or a second opinion to support the theory you most want to believe.

In most ways I always felt we had a fairly healthy relationship sharing different roles - he's better at housework and everyday I come home from work to a clean and tidy house, washing done odd repair jobs complete. I'm better at the money, sorting the bills etc and it seemed balanced. The majority of the time money in the house has always been there and remained safe just a few pound spent by him if needed outside the weekly shop. It's been about 3 occasions now when he has slipped and ok that has meant about £300 pounds over the last 3 months wasted in my opinion so if taking a little bit more of the responsibility at the moment helps is that wrong?

We nuture children because they are in a development stage and they need it - once we reach adulthood is that it? Do we never require further development - is that me being codependent again?

I feel I need to just practise a mantra that got me through a difficult period of illness in my life where I reminded myself that I cannot control the actions, thoughts, feelings and words of another - that way if his recovery stumbles or relapses I can make decisions based on what is best for me.

I know that I will definitely continue to visit and actively use this site as it helps to be reminded that we are not in this alone in any path in life, there is always help and guidance there if we chose to embrace it.

Warning! Do not do something for an addict they should be able to do for themselves. Enabling is helping someone along the path of destruction and you will go down with them. Find a support group, counseling, family, friends, and read others posts. The healing process from addictive codependent relationships is powerful and full of self-discovery. Welcome to YOUR recovery!

"We nuture children because they are in a development stage and they need it - once we reach adulthood is that it? Do we never require further development - is that me being codependent again?"

ceejay...the situation you are in is NOT at all like "nurturing a child"

the reason that people, who are caught up in the insanity of the disease of addiction, seek support, community and fellowship of fellow addicts (recovering) is that they typically NEED that support, accountability, understanding and guidance. it's called "experience, strength and hope"... if you have never been on the dark muddy, bumpy, maze-like, crevice ridden, cliff edged, path of addiction then your capacity to offer nurturance/guidance is severely limited. if you do not have the experience, strength and hope then your "guidance" will get you lost, if not headed right over the edge of the cliff. and when you are romantically involved your capacity to do read any sort of "map" or "method to nurture" is "distorted" meaning "affected" "biased" etc etc etc.

each curve of any downward curving path has the capacity to take you down farther

sponsors, fellowship, therapists, whatever...those who are involved in dealing with addiction, can offer the support that is needed with the detachment that is usually a requisite. if he is relying on you that is a giant red flag...because he isn't looking for the experience, strength and hope of people who have it...he is looking to you and you do NOT have it, correct?

the best you can do is keep gathering your own E,S, & H. what you gather will be for you. it will be wisdom about codependency, so that you have hope...for YOU.
anything you gather about addiction (and I gathered A LOT...enough to write a book actually) will not nurture him

addiction turns everything upside down and inside out
I would venture to guess that almost anything you do to "nurture" him is probably going to end up enabling him. addiction and codependency just work that way

keep coming back, keep gathering your own wisdom, the only thing you can do is take care of your self. just keep making the effort to refocus, and we are here to help YOU.

Supporting vs enabling. The definitions above can be mentally manipulated (I say this because I've done it....lol).

I read a saying recently that I'm trying to take a little more to heart these days....if two or more people tell me it's a horse, I need to buy a saddle.

I've enabled to a degree that most will never achieve (I'm not proud of that, it's simply true). The addict in my life is still using, living in his car (or somewhere...I really don't know). My point? You'll know eventually whether what you are doing is enabling or simply giving a helping hand. Time always reveals more.

gentle hugs
ke

The whole thing About helping vs enabling is also a bit confusing for me. I think there are grey areas myself....

The whole thing on money handling reminds me a bit of that movie The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Don't know if you saw that one. That was a very creepy dude.

I won't say don't do it; just use caution as you could be setting yourself up for resentment from him, and triggering something negative in you.

If my BF asked; I would probably do it for him; but then what would happen is I'd go on a wild shopping spree and he'd figure out pretty fast that he had to get his act together quick like. I don't think it would trigger me to obsess over what he spent money for, or what be wanted it for. And as long as there were other shared duties in the relationship; this wouldn't bother me.
Although it would be temporary I would assume while he was receiving some kind of treatment to help him learn to deal with his triggers.

I wish you the best whatever route you choose.

As an adult, it's my responsibility to decide if I need further development, and to provide that for myself. The same goes for my husband.

As part of a couple, I share responsibility with nurturing the relationship.

Ceejaysbag

My husband cut up his credit cards and debit card because money was a huge trigger…
He just then had to walk into bank to get cash, it never stopped him from using. Actually no safety net stopped him from using then. Now all of them are more valid and mean something and work as they should. And I respect his right to have whatever safety nets he needs. I sure have mine.

I don’t think anyone answered but if he asks for his card back give it to him in that instant minus any reaction you could think up. Just give it to him and let go.

It is impossible to balance a teeter-totter with only one person. It is impossible to balance a relationship with only one active participant. We can nurture each other but that is different than being a caretaker.

Thanks again for all the support and comments.

I was once in a very dark place in my life and I thought that I got through it on my own but when I look back there were many friends and family that had stood by me no matter what. I was very fortunate in my situation and have been on a straight line for a few years now. I saw the sign a few weeks ago that I could go back to that place and I'm determined not to so I thank you for your continued words as they are really helping.

Hmmm, I know therapists have recommended handing over the credit cards with gambling addictions.

I would think in the infancy of recovery maybe it is a good idea for him to hand over his cash and cards, but if he starts begging for them, and gives you a hard time…or it goes on too long. Maybe it isn’t the best idea.

Also, he should be doing other things like counseling, meetings etc… there are reasons why he turned to drugs, and he must deal with those.

I think his loner cold turkey plan is likely to fail. I might tell him you will hold the money, but he must get additional help, and the second he bugs you about it giving him money; the deal is off.

Just my opinion.

Thanks for the advice.

I will take this issue with the card day by day, I've discussed the not wanting to treat him like a card and he has said he feels this is the better way at the moment.

If he wants it back I will give it back without argument or judgement and hope that if this is because he wants to use that the lapse might lead him to seek other help but I know it has to be his choice.

I have seen a change in the way he views his DOC, now I know the cynics will say he is just telling me what I want to hear but it feels different so I want to treat it as different.

He is a person first and foremost and an addict second and that is the way I have to see it - I don't want to start referring to him as 'my addict' as then I am ignoring all the other things that he is - human, friend, artist, lover, funny, generous, etc.

Thanks as always to everyone who takes the time to comment - I wish you all a great day :c031: