Forum OD freaked me out
 

So the whole situation on the forum last night with the OD episode; it was really difficult for me.

As some of you know, I walked in and found my BF unconscious from an OD just before xmas. It was a cocaine overdose, and he almost died because his heart kept stopping even after he was admitted to the hospital.

I remember being in shock at first; and then calling for help. I remember doing the things they told me to do while I listened on the phone… Mostly I remember praying to God that he didn’t die.

I’m struggling to understand, how feelings could change so drastically… could I ever stand there, look at him and contemplate that it might just be best for him and me….to just let him die?

And last night; I spoke a long time with a friend here from SR… asking what is wrong with a person that they would purposely use drugs and know they were risking their life? And I say purposely as I speak about my BF; because his DOC was cocaine, and I remembered last night how he told me that when using; he always kept Ativan, Valium, and Nitro Glycerin on hand because if you started to OD; and it didn’t take you immediately with a cardiac arrest, then probably you had time to stop the lesser problems such as seizures, or paranoid psychosis…

So today I see a post about addicts being like children, and counter argument that no they are adults who know what they are doing and even the State says so….
Addicts can’t say they are children and not responsible, but in my opinion, they are not rational adults that are capable of making reasonable decisions either. *Because who in their right mind would do what my BF did just for the high?

And the last thing I’m still struggling with is consequences…. Because everyone says an addict must suffer the consequences of their actions; and when they get low enough it is their only hope of seeking out their own recovery. So if you’re a spouse, or a parent… and you have the ability to prevent them from losing their home, their career, or keeping them out of jail…. You shouldn’t do it, because its not your place and keeps them from hitting bottom. Except I don’t think its true; not all the time. Some people get their a** saved; and maybe that is their bottom. I think it happens a lot.
My BF case again; his dad saved him numerous times…. Someone told me he is a codie and he knows it and he likes to be one….. possibly true, but if it wasn’t for him – BF would have suffered consequences that would have affected him the rest of his life; as it stands now – his life is damaged; but not destroyed. So I can’t accept that his dad was wrong in his actions.

Ok, Venting complete.

Hey, Kelley, hope you feel better now.

We are all here at various stages of recovery. Even those of us with a fair bit of recovery under our belt still have times where we need to work through what is happening in our life and to process our thoughts.

How one person posts on a thread may be quite different to how you see things. And how you post may connect with some and not fit with others. Some threads trigger some of us, and something quite different will trigger others.

It is often said here "take what you want and leave the rest". That's not a flippant message, it means to participate in threads that help you or where you feel you can help and skip the ones that trigger or that upset you for any reason.

We are over 90,000 members here and cannot possibly be all things to all people at all times. So it's up to you to be selective.

And it's up to me to send big hugs because I've been where you are and know the despair of watching an overdose, I know the pain of losing a loved one to addiction, and even after all these years I still have days where I am triggered something terrible.

So Hugs and Hugs because you sound like you could use them .

Thank you Ann for the huggs...

I actually think I need to think about these things. Its just difficult.
And I guess I actually did suffer my own trauma finding BF like that; and maybe I havent dealt with all those emotions fully. I think I need to work on exploring it now that some time has passed.

Its just hard reliving it in my mind.

And its Friday; your not supposed to be down close to end of day on Friday !

Of course you suffered trauma Kelley. We get so used to our life of darkness and insanity it begins to feel normal. We get so used to focusing all our attention on our addicted loved ones, that we don't notice how sick we are becoming ourselves.

I had to learn this too, I had to find some way to regain my balance and replace the chaos in my life with peace. I was darn close to being the one who died. When I realized how enmeshed I had become in my son's sickness, it scared the bejeepers out of me. I needed help as much as he did and I thank God that I found a meeting where others who had been where I was, could help me find my way again.

You will be okay, but don't underestimate the damage this is doing to you. You are so worth finding a better path.

Hugs

Just know you aren't alone and others do care. Don't give up on the forum. We can't all see thing exactly the same way considering we are in different places in our lives. I have thought these same thoughts....even after years, but my head tells me to stop "helping".

It's the fear of what will happen when we do that prevents us from doing that. I spent so much to keep my son from ruining his life. It's ruined anyway. I always thought my son would be the one who would be different. Well, he is still alive, but that's about it. Alive with no life.

Just do what you feel is best, keep reading the sticky posts and any other literature on the subject you can find. Also think about the consequences that YOU will face and if there are children in your future, the consequences THEY would face. Protect yourself.
I care.

I read this thread today and I regret that my experience set a nerve With you KellyF. My heart goes our to your trauma and pain. Hugs.

I am not an addict but my understanding is that the addict has a profoundly emotional relationship with the drug, the addict is deeply, lovingly bonded to the drug and to spending time with the drug and pursuing the drug and thinking about the drug and fondling the drug and embracing it with intense transcendent feelings of love.

Your bf loves his intimate drug experience with all his heart. He has emergency props on hand so he can immerse himself in his drug and maybe not die. But he is willing to die for it.

I think he is probably not willing to die for you. My understanding of addiction is that while in the disease the addict will sacrifice everyone, but not the drug.

What usually breaks up a love relationship is abuse. Painful, ongoing, shredding abuse.

So when the drug starts abusing the addict, when the high is gone and the devil has taken over, that is when the addict tries to break up with the drug.

When we enable the addict, we support that love relationship the addict has with the drug.

You were right to call 911. I would have done the same.

But changing his bonded, deeply emotional love for the drug, that you will not be able to do.

Place his destiny and yours in God's hands. Get well. The stories of your lives are still unfolding.

I will try to tell you my experience and maybe it will help you.

I am still trying to work through my feelings from my AM's overdose and attempted suicide that was almost a year ago. I didn't see it happened. I got a phone call that she was unresponsive and on the way to the hospital. For awhile, I didn't know whether she was alive or dead. It was a very scary experience. Some of my feelings were so extreme, that I wasn't able to feel them all at once. Also, I have fear that she will attempt it again.

In my mom's case, her caregiver alerted the authorities that my mom was not answering the phone/door. The police broke into the house, and the paramedics rescued her. She received treatment at an ER, and treatment at a psych facility. I believe, of course, that everyone who saved her did the right thing. I made lots of phone calls to the hospital to talk to her caregivers. I don't think that I overstepped my boundaries. This was an emergency, and she could not do these things for herself.

I draw the line at doing things for my AM that she could be doing for herself. I won't send her money. I won't give her medical advice about how much meds she should take. I won't be her counselor. I won't listen to her if she wants to indulge in negative thoughts. I will talk to her about positive things. I will send her cards on holidays. I will not bail her out of jail. I will attempt to commit her to a psych facility if she is being dangerous. I won't call her back just because she left me 5 messages in a minute. I will call 911 if I feel she is unsafe.

Those are the boundaries that I have worked out for myself when it comes to dealing with my AM. My boundaries could change at any moment. They are for myself and my sanity (not for her or to fix her).

I hope that helps.

I'd like to add that I'm sorry if my details about her OD trigger anybody. These posts obviously trigger me, too, because I'm still working through the feelings from this event.

They don't change drastically. They change one tiny chip at a time. You live through one episode, whatever it may be, and when it's over you think "ok, made it through that" and you believe that it's better. Then something else happens - lather, rinse, repeat. I sincerely hope you don't ever know what it's like to honestly not know what to do - to not know whether or not you should call the cops to have your ABF arrested, or to throw your AD out of the house. Because you know what? It sucks, and it's hard, and we don't get here overnight. When you get to that point, saving them again is not going to make them magically realize "oh, perhaps I should stop doing drugs! Huh."

I have to admit, I sort of resent the implication that if we would all just stand by our man, and believe really, really hard, everything would be better. I understand you're trying to think positively, and that's great, but I can't help but feel a little patronized. Not just in this post.

Which makes me realize something is going on with me, because why would I let an internet stranger make me feel bad about myself? So I better take a look and figure out what it is. So, thank you Kelley, for forcing me to take my own inventory.

(((Kelley))) - I'm sorry for the feelings all this has brought up, but I do think that there are times we NEED to think about stuff that triggers us (just my personal experience).

I am a codie, heading fast into codie-land as we speak, which is why I'm glued to SR. My codie-ness led me to want to escape..different things, crack being the drug that brought me to my knees.

I left the man I loved..he had no intention of quitting the crack. I saw him a while later at his mom's funeral (she was awesome and we loved each other). I wrote to him a few times when he was in jail (the ONLY time I could get hold of him). I shared how great recovery was, how I wished that he would seek it, but I turned him down when he asked for money (while promising me everything but the moon). I never heard from him again.

I was in the town where we used to live, looking up one of my former d-boys who would rather set himself on fire than sell me dope - he's proud of me, and he always told me "girl, you don't belong here".

I asked about him..some kid said he didn't know where he was. Asked about my ex and he said "he died a couple months ago". I later found out that not only was he still married (he had "proposed" to me several times) but he died of pneumonia. He was more concerned with sucking on a crack pipe than going to a doctor.

I was an RN for 12 years - had all kinds of certifications for ER, ICU, advanced life support. I know, however, without one shadow of a doubt that I couldn't have made him go to the dr. unless he was unconscious - he was an adult. Had I still been with him? I'd have been smoking crack. I know, without a doubt, that I would have called 911..despite losing my nursing career to addiction, I will always have a "nurse's heart" and gut feelings.

In my time of recovery, I've lost 3 people to the consequences of addiction. Heat broken? You bet. However, I know my limits.

Consequences? Yes, that is what got me into recovery. I'm still dealing with them, coming up on 5 years. I live with my dad/stepmom (she is an A, ACOA and every other acronym you can think of). I've found her passed out. I checked her breathing, her pulse and I woke her up. Since I've been on SR, though? I told her and my dad "if I find you passed out, I will check your breathing and pulse, and if it's okay? I will leave you where you lay". My dad, after a few times, started doing the same. I took pictures...try to deny THAT? She did.

I don't even know if my post makes sense, but I've been on both sides of the addiction fence. I'm having a hard time with the codie side as it is affecting both my dad and stepmom...and me. I'm clinging to SR as the lifeline I know it can be.

Right or wrong, we learn by experience. I've found that to be true whether you're the A, or the one who loves an A. Different people have different bottoms, and sadly, some of those bottoms are death. Today? I'm livid angry with my stepmom. I want to escape. Today? i know that's what led me down the path of addiction, and I'm clinging to SR as the lifeline I know it is.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Lonelywife,

Please dont regret your post yesterday; It is really a wonderous thing to have a forum like this available, especially in times of crisis. I read your prior thread before I submitted my thread; and I thought long and hard about even putting it out here; because I didnt want my comments to offend your feelings in any way.
I think Ann was correct when she mentioned trauma....I realize you have been through the OD experience among other things... time and time again. In fact, much of it in a very short period of time. So without a doubt; there has been no time for you to process your own feelings ... and then you get bombarded with another crisis. You were honest in your feelings; and you need to be.
Because that is what will help you sort through it all.

I am so relieved that your husband is going to survive this OD. I pray that something will make him want to change his life; stop the drugs & that he will seek the help that is readily availble to him.

I know the desire has to come from him... we cant force it.

So again, please dont have any regrets; your post did make me think about my personal experience, but obviously my feelings are not resolved or it would not have affected me so much. And now just look at all the wonderful feedback that has come from it; Ive been reading all of it; and ALWAYS there are comments that touch my heart and sink into my mind.

Wishing you the best.
Kel

Ann

From Day 1 - you have been an inspiration to me.

When I came to this forum right after BF OD - I didnt come to seek help or knowledge for myself; because at that time I wasnt even putting "my" feelings into the mix. It was all about "him"

But I quickly learned that mostly I had to worry about "me" just for the reason you stated.

Addiction is like quicksand to the codependant, and before they know it they are in too deep, being pulled down by the worries, fears, attempts to save their loved one. And they give up all the things that once strengthened their soul like friends, family, social activities, etc... Then they dont have the ability to pull themselves out; not without help.

I dont think Ive fallen in the quicksand yet; maybe dancing around it however.
And quite possibly if BF loses the stability he has going for him right now - I could slip in. So right now Im just trying to gain strength and learn, and I know I ask a lot of questions and throw doubt on a lot of things; and may drive some people mad* but truly Im just being honest with how I feel because I dont know of another way to do it.

Thank you so much Ann.
I feel comforted by everyones tonight.

:). I wasn't offended at all by your thread. I'm so happy not to feel alone in this situation and that we have this resource.

Washbe

I have been following your threads recently, and my heart goes out to you.
For you; as a 'mother' in this situation, I just am almost speechless as to what to say; because I know how your heart must break.

I have read about many of the things you did in an attempt to help your son; and you have went to endless limits. As a mom Im sure you have felt that is what you needed to do; despite the sacrifices you have had to endure as a result. I only wish that your son were able to show his appreciation to you.

My BF's dad; he has went to endless limits for his son also. I dont want anyone to get the wrong impression when I talk about consequences.... my BF did not stop using and seek help based on his dads actions to help him; protect him. Not at all.

In fact, BF had not seen his dad in a good year....when HE decided it was time to quit. His dad didnt walk out on him; he walked out on his dad.
This was also before I met him; so I am not taking any credit either.
BF told me the reason he stopped was because he realized he was going to die, and he decided that he wanted to live.

I appreciate so much your post; because I do know that you care. From all yoru threads it obvious that you are a very caring and loving person, a very caring and loving mom.

And yes, you make an excellent point about children. Honestly it concerns me; right now Im finishing grad school, and I want to focus on working after that fro a while....so yes, caution is a must... but also....some day I would like to have children and I would not want their lives to be filled with chaos and a father who was not present' in their lives. So I ponder this quite often.

Thank you for caring Washbe
Hugs
Kel

I thought it was dumb to hawk to family members, he could sell a million to addicts who need another "authority" to back up their use and abuse. "you should treat me like an infant, i am helpless against this disease." P-shaw! (another word should be there!)
Infuriating to say the least, and evil. Once they can deny responsibility, they will.
I should say I am an addict so I am speaking from my experience with my ex and me.

Good God!

Beth