I can't believe this yet. I know I cannot control my brother or family members. But I'm introducing them to these forums. If they dig around here some, they might see that there are stronger ways to deal with this situation - ways that might precipitate a more desirable outcome instead of dragging out more of the same for years.

I like There is a saying "In nature there is no punishment, only consequences." That applies to us as well as the addict.

Maybe they'll come to see that I just want my brother back. He was a great guy. He's a disaster now. I say "hide your jewelry", I'm the ass. I say "don't send money", I'm the ass. I say "he's a liar", I'm the ass. I back off and don't say anything, I'm the ass.

Those are my consequences. But it feels a lot like punishment.

I read your replies over and over. Thanks again

Oh Martin, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink and all that.

What your codependent family thinks or says does not define you.

(((Martin))) - Just recently, I took a trip with my dad, and he went through all the whines/complaints/and everything else about how he's being taken advantage of by my family (not me), how he's not loved, nor in love, with my stepmom but feels obligated to take care of her.

We've talked about codependency before, but he just doesn't get it. He's COMFORTABLE with his feelings, and no matter what I said to him (based on my codie recovery) had had a come-back of why he couldn't do whatever I suggested. An SR friend reminded me that even if we have all the answers, that doesn't mean others are ready to hear it.

She is also the one that pointed out that I have an "uncomfortable comfort zone". Getting dragged into stuff that I can't control or change (but think I can, because I have all the answers!), taking jobs where not much is expected of me because I'm too afraid to apply for better ones. This happened over time, time when I lost myself and who I was, because I was so focused on everyone else.

Your family may be the same way - we can get addicted to a person and their problems, just as much as we addicts get addicted to drugs/alcohol - I was addicted to both.

I didn't "get it" until I got miserable enough, came here, and found out I wasn't alone. I can say that I've been working on my dad all the years I've been in recovery and it's just recently that I realize he's just not at a place he can hear what I'm saying, or is willing to do anything to change.

I think it's in the Language of Letting Go, but there's a thing about how we've come to one side of the bridge (codie recovery) and we have loved ones on the other side (not in recovery). We want to go and bring/drag them to our side, but we just can't.

I think you're doing great, as far as you've come. I understand not being at the point where you can accept not being able to change/control others because most of us don't GET to that point until we've been repeatedly disappointed and just get to the point where we've had enough.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

We CAN affect chenge in others by changing ourselves. When a dynamic exists, one person changing CAN change the dynamic. It may not change in the way you intend it to or want it to, but it does affect change in others when we change ourselves.

One of the most important lessons (among many lessons) I have learned in dealing with other people and my addicted son is that it's really none of my business what anyone else thinks of me. If I'm taking care of myself and protecting my personal boundaries, it's ok for them to think anything they want to. I don't mean this in a narcissitc manner. I mean this is a "being gentle and loving with myself" kind of manner.

I hope your Mom does come here to SR and takes a little tour. There are many of us Moms here who understand the love she has for her sons. The worry. The fear. There is great comfort in knowing that others are carrying the burden of loving an addicted adult child but who are able to live their lives and find joy and serenity.

gentle hugs
ke