Nooooooo contact
 

Working hard not to contact. There are things I want to say, I just started writing them in a letter (to NOT send)...

I keep stopping to think screw it, I might as well just text him.
I'm amazingly still learning things through this process, like he represents parts of me that I can relate to but never accepted in myself.

My mom compulsively tried to make me less creative, growing up she yelled at me for being "weird". My A is creative, most of you know thats how we met. I went out last night with some amazing creative ladies.
I had a blast! But I am really struggling lately to not just get a little nibble.
I just want to "be myself" as with him, I feel like everything is out on the table.

Uh I know this is stupid. Im not worried about not having a man or finding someone. It's like bigger than that. I know that I am having a hard time because as most codies feel, I feel like I'm cutting off part of myself.

There are just things I want to share with him. Places I saw last night that I know he'd like etc.

In a perfect world, these drugs don't have a hold on this person. My little stint led me to see him not using meth or crack but mostly just Ketamine...So comparatively he was less moody and
Crazed.

God I screwed myself so bad. I went from an objective phone call to get one whiff of him...and now I'm like begging crackhead.
Please tell me you're ready today.

I hate that he was really sweet. I do know how the dance goes. I wish I was over this. I just wish I could say but you're my best friend! Were supposed to be in this together, lol. What the heck get out of the darkness please before. Your brain is 100% nonrepairable.

I miss you my friend. I miss you so much. But all I can do is cry and keep going forward...

You are a very dramatic lady, as I suggested B/4 perhaps you can consider looking into a local theater group. You could apply your creative side and let your drama flow in a positive venue.

To me, you are wasting way too much of your creativity on a fantasy that will never cross over to reality.

Lol... :(

Interestingly enough, I always wanted to be an actress or musician. But every effort to develop that was shut down by my mom.
I used to begggggg to go to agencies.

Yeah I had so many creative ideas earlier today.
I feel like everytime I want to be creative I want to call him instead. Weird but after therapy today I thought hmmm maybe there's a
Connection there. Like I haven't even BEGUN to tap into myself, because up until now I've been unaware of the anxiety I feel just by showing up as myself...
So it's like better find a distraction. The creative crazies are coming on.. Can't do anything about that weird stuff better find someone to tend to...

"Can't do anything about that weird stuff better find someone to tend to... "

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

The only someone you need to tend to is ........YOU!

Yeah that was my moms voice. I was being sarcastic.
Ughhhhh it's breaking a compulsive habit is
Really f.ing hard. It's like trying to not swat a bug that's buzzing in your ear.

My therapist told me I need to start separating my voice from the voice I was
Conditioned to listen to, which happens to be my moms and her obsessive compulsive crazy a$$ fears etc.

This will be good. Im just going against the
Current a bit. I am on the edge of contacting though. Almost did last night, even when I was having fun. Isn't there a pill for this? Lol

Yes, there is a pill, a hard pill to swallow....it is called maturity. The process that takes us from an emotional IQ of 15 to that of our real calandar age.

Dolly your sass makes me laugh. Yeah yeah. But Pinnochio is a real boy!!!

"But Pinnochio is a real boy"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Just because he has a big **** doesn't mean he is a real grown up boy!

:lmao :lmao :lmao

Thanks Anvil. You made me cry.
It's embarrassing how emotionally charged it
Is to just working on being myself, by myself.

I did want to share it with him. So I can be like see? You can have good clean fun Detroit with creative ppl...Come with us to the other side of the bridge!
I know it's more about
Being able to do it on my own than him. Just wanted to strike out together...lol COdependent!

Its hard to explain in such short words, but I'm breaking a major mold...
I have to do this on my own. I really wanted him for the ride. I've been dragging him along, come on come with me...you have to.
Don't make me do this on my own. I can't! And just when I really needed to be brave again thats when I got back in it. Because I didn't want to have to keep climbing uphill by myself. Its no coincidence everytime I'm at a new phase of becoming more self-efficient I slide back into thinking I need him. Ugh yeah that stupid dream, it's so hard to let go for good because it was always the safe place to go to...and it was never even real, so it's not like anything changes with that. It's always there for you to believe in. Something like worship. Ew. Let's get out of diapers now and move onnnnnnn Jillian. I don't need someone to make the things I like okay. It's just so much more fun to share it with people who you know appreciate it too.

God I feel like a major headcase. Jeez I never expected all of this to happen when I broke NC. Just lock me up!

This is how it has to be. Im making my own strides.
And well, there are no pets allowed on this ride.

Lmao...o man the weekends are hard to contact.

Thanks for talking me down from the ledge.

Yeah I need major creative outlets asap. This fantasy is
Getting old. It's like a ******* soap opera in my head.
I have to really push myself to putt stuff out there.
I had a couple professors sit me down once and tell Kentish could tell I was holding back, censoring myself...

I need balls to the wall...just go to town. I was always envious of my A how he seemed so free in a way, how he did what he want, didn't apologize for it. If he wanted sleeves, he went out and got em. Pierce ur face like a pin cushion ? Okay done.

I had to hide. Or "play the game" as my
One professor said. I had to mask my true colors with an overcoat buttoned up
To the neck so no one could see all the bright colors underneath, and I could be just like everyone else.

He really was just a manifestation of the extreme parts of me I felt I had to shun. So hard to verbalize and come to terms with letting go.

From one drama queen to another... I feel your pain Mary. It is hard to let go. Even if we know it is what we gotta do.

You and me both NO CONTACT!!!

Lets inspire one another.

Ooh blue, I didnt no u went no contact!

God its stupid hard. Which is why you aren't supposed to break no contact!
Because before you no it ur on your knees on a saturday night, bargaining. Ya loose ur balance. Ididnt occur to me I'd have to let go all over again. I thoght he'd be dead or really out of his mind. But no he was functioning all too well enough to be able to say and do all the right things to wrap me back up into the
Dance.

How long has it been for you?

Lol...

Aww cynical. How long ago was that? That must have been really really hard in a lot of ways. Yeah ya no it's like we do unto them as we are desperately seeking to be treated by someone. Were there for them and that critical moment were hoping they will "repay" us for "all we've done" they never are.

Such a shame that our end of the seesaw never really goes up.

MGR I have nothing to add but this, You have a lovely way with words, fantastic expression, you seem a very talented lady!





Take care!

Thank you so very much!!
I needed to hear this. I am feeling so much better today. So glad I stuck it out :)

I just need lots of positive reinforcement for the things I like. And not from a drug addict, lol.

I will look into some classes etc today. I'm kinda brome though. So I might have to volunteer instead.

I had a codie relapse the other day and called my parents after work when I was in a lot of physical pain.

Big mistake. Talking to my dad went from bad to worse, and even worse with Mom so I got off the phone.

They can be so toxic to me, and yet I picked up that phone for positive reinforcement, like you were thinking of doing.

Ugh.

Thanks for sharing Free. That helped me make the connection even more. Ughhh that's what makes this so hard. We never got that so we have to do that for ourselves!

Were so brave and we deserve a pat on the back :)

There are no cookies and milk lol..that is unless we go find some ourselves