wow! is this the same Steve?

you sound so much clearer in your post, I almost didn't recognize you!

so, you said you met with her, what did you do together while visiting?

You are 44 Steve? How many more years are you prepared to waste thinking and worrying about her? The rest of your life? Do you not think you deserve some happiness yourself?

My XH is just like you describe your dad. The raging outbursts we had to live with was terrible and I saw what it did to my son's self-esteem. The feeling that he is not lovable and therefor seeking out relationships to prove it. It is so sad. I hope you will be able to get past this and realise just how much you are worth and how much more you deserve.

Can you appreciate that you are a nice man and spending the day with yourself is good stuff?

kiki- thanks, its still me. i am having more clarity. i did not meet with her, i probably meant that i wondered if anythnig would have been different if i did go visit her, but hte thing is she started using again only a month in to it, so i kept putting it off. i know if i went by then that nothing would have been different.

outtolunch- i am quite accustomed to spending days with myself. i have had LONG stretches between relationships and was just fine. but ever since i met this one, i have felt this strong pull that i am now trying to break. and i got used to her or the idea of her.

i know this is the best thing for me and that i will eventually get over her. 4 days of no contact. thats about hte longesdt we have ever gone. the difference this time is that she is with a new guy, who i think of as a kid and i dont know if she is getting clean or jsut doing the same thing. i have to guess its the same thing. so now it is time for me to unravel this mess. i cannot take credit for the no contact since she has not called and i have no way of reaching her. i like to think that i would not take the calls anyway. its crazy, like why would i call her when she ran off with someone else. clearly as everyone says -she doesnt care.

the past few months have been good in that the craziness was removed from my house. i am not good at letting the people i care about go. this was differnt than any other break up. maybe its that i became so enmeshed in her life that i cant separate the two. and i just realized that i assumed that she really felt as strongly as she did. a month ago i got a text late at night saying how purely she loved me and so on. part of me questioned it, but the bigger part of me believed it. i guess she only talked about our future together becasue she had no one else to play that fantasy with. well, now she does.

i dont expect to be feeling great and happy right now but i am glad i have not sunk into a terrible depression. forward. forward. forward

already i am realizing some things in this absence of her from my life. i do nto doubt that i loved and cared about her, but i guess i was holding on to a fantasy that never transpired and that i was ok with just holding on to the idea of a better future. somehow i was satisfied just sort of having her there in any capacity in the back of my mind. there was this security like i was niot alone. eh, i'll get used to it again.

I think the guppy reference was brilliant, my dear! :)

Well said! Per usual.

It's so true, they get you. That's just all I can say now as far addicts go.
They hook ya. Its amazing how good they are. It really is like a darwinistic parasite. They form these maladaptive ways of surviving and sucking the life out of whatever they need to just to keep breathing and getting high. Then they hurt ppl, then they feel guilty, then they use. Let's not try to wake the dead anymore. Are ya with me?

I know how you feel Steve. The dream never really goes away I don't think. I have noticed that for me, I believe in MYSELF and the possibilities of things that are good for me that may not even exist as options in my mind.

Because I know that I would signing up for the same drama to play out over and over, I choose to just trust that just maybe if I can make it through day by day...The whole somethings don't work out because something bigger is on the way.

I appreciated ur comment about maybe having a hard time letting go because you couldnt separate urself, that's how it is. Maybe we can stay with ourselves. Be aware of our discomfort, dont judge it, but allow it to be there like background noise almost until it fades away completely.

I know you can do it! If there are women on here that have let go of their children, you can too. But I think there are some things you need to do to facilitate that process. Expedite it, if ya will. Take the plunge! Really cut that cord. It does get easier. I made the mistake of exposing myself to a trigger.

In fact, I think I should bury that really soon in the ground somewhere...Anyway sorry... Hang in there!

But you're not alone. You have us! And I'm sure you have friends and family. Even if you have some friends you haven't talked to in a while because you were so wrapped up in her crap - I'll bet they are still around and more than willing to go out to dinner or the movies.

It does take a while to get used to being on your own again. Being in a relationship (good or bad) is a habit. You get used to seeing someone and talking to them all the time and/or living with them. You even get used to the drama and BS. So, when a relationship ends, there's a transition period where everything is weird and unfamiliar. Breaking a habit and learning new habits takes time. You can do it! Keep your head up and CHOOSE to have a good day!

well i just got the text i was expecting. it read- i moved again, sorry i havent called. everything is great as far as addiction goes, i met someone special, but that doesnt make you any less special. i love you and will try calling you later.

eh, no surprise there. i didn't reply. it may be upsetting to have the news verified, but i am not letting it bring me down. i expected this. i was prepared for it. there isa bit of relief, but it is still sad when something comes to an end. i wish i could see the future to see how long it lasts. i figured that with this one she would use that as motivation to get clean and change, but it is something i dont see lasting too long. if it does, thats great for her.

gee, its so great knowing i am special. so special that she takes right up with another. so special a couple weeks ago that she was forever committed to me. all words. i know her too well. i know that she rushes into things. she knows this guy for a week or so and knows he is special? she doesnt even know him nor does he know her. i dont want to see her fall back all the way into using again, if she really isnt now. i'd gladly give up the fantasy if that is what she needs to stay/get clean. but thats becasue i am a special guy.

i mean, what are the odds that she is or will stay off stuff? last week she was a fiend and now nothing. could she replace a drug with the idea of being in love with someone special the same as i replaced pot with her? i dont want her to remain messed up and i dont wantto take some twisted consolation that she'll not be able to make it. but at the same time i have this thought that i am mad that she is doing it now instead of when we were together. i have to keep in mind that it is more important for her to be clean than it is for me to be her bf. then i sarcastically note that gee aren't i special nive guy. i hate that sometimes.

a break up stings no matter what. at least i am not holding on to the fantasy. sure a part of me thinks that now she will get better and have a good life with this guy, but there is nothing to base it on. i have mentioned that i have partied and i hope i dont eventually trade her for that, i wont, its weird but the idea of it makes me sick anyway.

no contact is the best thing. but i know i will always wonder. i worry that i have been through this before with her back and forth and that i could be doomed to thinking about her the rest of my life. maybe that is jsut becasue this is fresh. life will go on. i am glad i have you all to sound-off to.

why haven't you put this in your control and blocked her ?

She is manipulating you. And you're letting her.

I know its hard. But I don't see you being able to let this go fully unless you block her. What is stopping you from doing it RIGHT NOW????

You'll get over it. I promise. :)

mgr- i cant block her because i dont know her number until now. i cant change my number becasue i have too many people that only have this number.

wwsd- i believe you


i dont hold any grudges. it is what it is. she pulled this stuff more than once but i kept taking her back. i realize i have/had a strong connection based on dysfunction, but i thoguht that since we both had that, we could grow together. just like she is planning now. its my fault for beleiving someone could change. the worst part is that i have the thoughts that NOW she will change and these two will live semi-happily ever after. it could be a month it could be 1-3 years, but a part of me is already awaiting the call that it didnt work. that is crazy. again, maybe its because its fresh. it is also weirdi to me that after so long of this, i now feel a loss. i really did hold on to something for security. something that inside made me feel i was involved with someone who really loved me. and as muchas i know not to focus on this, it burns me up that she would wantto leave me. hell, i am special! i make a great bf, despite all crap i have posted over the past year. im considerate, cool, funny, smart, charming, eclectic, ugh- now i have to shave and cut my hair. i cant imagine meeting someone while looking like a middle aged roadie for a washed up classic rock band.

it sucks because i liked having that feeling that we were together even though there was this distance and craziness. and now as i do things i fell alone. but i guess its better to hope for something real. god i sound like cinderella

i know that most would assume that she is still using or wont stay clean. i see her as using this new thing as a motivator, but i dont know that such a motivator likely would work. i know her history. iknow that more than liekly this hasa 3 moth to a year shelf life. i know i should care or be concerned. but i am not there yet. i am thankful i am not like i was last year. i'd be a mess if so. i guess there is jsut that feeling that what is so great about this 26 year old who she barely knows that is the push for her to get clean. as i questioned, maybe its substituting. well i gues ther are no answers.

forward. forward. forward

I'm sure there is a way to notify everyone worth notifying....

:headbange

:headbange

:headbange

I'm sad too, because I wish you'd get it.This is about taking a step to set yourself up for progress. The only reason I am pushing for this is because given where your head seems to be, I don't see you moving on unless you do so. I don't think its wise for me to comment anymore because I'm getting frustrated and I feel myself getting on a power trip trying make you get it!

Hang in there, and please let me know if you block her or change your number.

All the best!

believe me i get it. i'm done. the book is closed, locked, and the key is tossed. these are just thoughts that come as the situation played out. i'm not going back. i promise that.

believe me. this is about my issues and i see that. this is about my living the fantasy. i want a better life for myself. i not distraught or depressed. it was just a rush of thoughts. i really dont think there is magic there. it was just some thoughts. this isnt one of those crises things i experienced last year. i only care about my keeping on the right track. hell, i'm looking forward to getting back to myself. the past couple of weeks realyl made me see everything you guys have been saying. i feel it. i'm not sucked back in. tonight the phone is off. i dont even want the call. that last post may have coem out wrong.

gals believe me- i see her for what she is. i am accepting that. just as i accept that i deserve better. i mean really? a text? i am a worth a bit more than a text! i am staying clear of my doc.

"the worst part is that i have the thoughts that NOW she will change and these two will live semi-happily ever after. it could be a month it could be 1-3 years, but a part of me is already awaiting the call that it didnt work."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Don't you have anything else to do with your mind than to play "Let's Pretend" and analyze her every move?

Steve, I hate to break this to you...but....you a middle aged man, not a 16 year old boy.

I must say of all the threads I have posted on over the years yours continue to baffle me the most. Your mindset is so childish, so resistant to change.

You win, I give up!

yikes- please dont give up on me!!!!

i ask those questions and have those thoughts, but thats all they are. i know i've thought i was through be fore, but here is a BIG difference. up until now it was all about her. but recently, i have started to put me into the equation. since i have accepted what anvil and others so succinctly say- she doesnt love me, shes a parasite etc. i get that now. with accepting that, i have moved on to understand why have i accepted that, and why have i settled for so littel. its the sanme old story. some of us get used to the idea of being in a relationship. and yes i have been thinking i have been thinking like a teenager. why? becasue i figure there is some arrested development in me. my emotional stuff started when i was in grade school. i started smoking pot at 16 and did on and off until last year. something was stunted.

i realize i am a pain at times. believe me, i wouldnt want to hear me either. but this is how i am processing it. i have been doing stuff to help me. but maybe not as much as i should. i i know i have been a tough nut to crack, a special case if you will. but i know i have made progress. i know i am handling everything so much better than i would have last year. we have come to an end, so i need to process it.

i cant run around exclaiming joy right now, but i can at least accept it the best i can. i mean this is me, i feel to a fault. which in turn leads me to now analyzing that fault. what is that fault. apparently it runs deep and has been festering for a long long time.

whether you know it or not you all mean something to me because you all take the time to post and show more concern that my supposed gf. whether i get slammed or coddled and all in between, you take the time to say what you say and i am thankful.

this isa big change for me. to cut the ties.

Oh Steve.... 'you are special too'

Kind of a b&tchy and insensitive thing to send someone. What is so great about her again?

There is a long way to go from shooting cocaine and living the life she is living to a happy couple doing happy things.

She can't hold a job, drive a car, be responsible for anything. My cats have more responsibilities than this gal.

You did nothing wrong but care about someone who is only a shell of a person.